[Dog-Eared Page - The Matches!!!]
So I was thinking about life and thinking about how I can’t think of anything to look forward to. And then… I dunno life is short. But it occured to me just how much of mine is spread out in front of me. And what am I going to do with it? Oh yeah, work.
I wanna be free. I wanna make my own choices daily on what to or not to do. Who to or not to see. I want out of the this locked down life.
I guess the first step is to be more responsible. I always start things and I never finish them. Well no more. I really really wanna not be a procrastinator. I wanna focus my energies in the right places… Allocate this and that to this and that not just that and that other thing too. (THAT was coherent and logical… really.)
First things first, I gotta follow through on my job thing. I mean… It’s not so much that I haven’t been trying to as I haven’t nagged enough? I dunno… that’s kinda out of my hands at this point. Second things, school work. No more sitting up till midnight doing homework. I gotta start getting enough sleep. And fit my shower in there somewhere… I need one tonight but oh look it’s 9:30. Fuck that shit. And the science fair… I really REALLY gotta follow through with that (which coincidently means I have some things to look at tonight thdkjsl).
I’m completely very depressed and stressed out to the max. right now, but I’m holding it all together nicely I do believe. Except maybe my little shaking almost hyperventilating episode today. Meh, c’est la vie. I’ve yet to do the one thing I’ve been desiring to do for two weeks. Restraining myself. That’s taken a lot more self control than I ever thought I had.
Courage. Responsibleness. Wisdom. Honesty. Strength.
Yes, no, kinda, usually, somewhat.
1 out of 5 isn’t bad. By the way, those are what I’m calling my 5 key traits to life… Well for anyone really.
I gotta find a way to get this all under control because since June everything’s been spinning out of whack. Time everything comes into (or gets forced into) synch.
I pray for 4 things everynight; forgiveness, the wisdom to know what to do, the courage to do it and the strength to get through it and anything else thrown at me. I too often forget my own life philosophy.
It has 3 parts.
-Everything happens for a reason.
-If it’s meant to be it’ll be.
-God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. (Which goes hand in hand with “it’ll all work out in the end”.)
These 3 philosophies got me through some TOUGH times. But I forget them.
Today in my english class we did an activity. We were all asked to look through our purses, backpacks, wallets, etc. to find things we always carried around. I found nothing with a great story.
I have a water bottle because I’ve carried one with me ever since the day that my mom got her job as a teacher’s aid at Crestview back in the fourth grade. It’s become more of a security thing really. There’s more to it than that, but it doesn’t matter. {sidenote: why is my spacebar being gay at me?}
I have my iPod because I can’t be anywhere without my music. I have my cellphone because… I dunno. I just do.
Then I came to my keys. I don’t need them to get in my house cause the back door is always unlocked and if it’s not then I can just break into my front door. It’s the keychains that have more value. There’s one that’s a stressy thing from Hello Kitty. There’s a keychain from the Holocaust museum in DC. There’s one from the Pittsburgh zoo. And the only other recallable one is the serenity prayer. I have that one there more on purpose than the others for certain.
I’m not so into organized religion. But I’m very spiritual and I have a lot of faith in God and heaven and what not. Not so much humanity but that’s beside the point… I’ve hit an exceptionally rough patch. Things don’t have to get worse (please don’t!) but it’ll be a few years at least until they’re okay (unless we win the lottery between now and then). And I don’t like to think from here on in they’ll get better and better because then the let down if there’s a bad day is all the worse.
For now I need to do this science fair thing and go to bed. I wish my spacebar worked without me smacking it between every word.
Damnit, add tear apart laptop to my to do list (the one that never seems to get any shorter).
