felix's daily adventures

Yeah things are pretty weird right now. I guess I’m not so much upset or depressed right now as I am just plain old sad… I guess it just kinda of dawned on me how right on that line things are… And how far away from that I wanna be. I don’t like that it’s a possibility or even a thought in anyone’s head.

I don’t like that this is such an unbearable thing. But what little pride I had and want for things to be one way, they’re both diminishing rapidly. I dunno how much I’d get hurt just letting things go and being merely depressed but trying to let it go… I keep trying so hard to do that but I mean I don’t like to get hurt… Who does? It makes you snap and yell back and fight which is terribly awful and bad.

I was talking to Danny tonight about things. And when I brought that up all he said was “that just wouldn’t be right. you two are together in my eyes” which is a good thing… Yes I would say that’s a good thing to be said.

I don’t know that it helps anything, but it kinda made me feel like there’s gotta be some hope. If someone else thinks that things are supposed to work out (indirectly… together means things work out) then, well, it’s just good to have that reinforcement? I guess it’s that outsider perspective.

I guess the end is that if we both want it bad enough things will get better… It’s just a matter of waiting out the storm (to take the same advice I gave my cousin).

“No matter how hard the storm gets I will stand by my friends and hold my love until it passes. Even when we are blinded by the storm, the knowledge that somebody is near us and their voice alone will guide us through it. ” -my cousin

And I’ll love that quote for as long as I live because it’s true. It might be hard on everyone, but if you really love someone(s) [hehe someones] then you get through it together.

I’ve been through tough stuff before this. I know I can do it… I just wonder about him and whether or not he’ll be able to not give up on me. I hope he can deal with it because to be completely honest I might be a bitch to him most of the time and over react and be whiny and demanding and apparently a shitty girlfriend but you aren’t comfortable being mean to people if you aren’t close to them or don’t love them (or maybe that’s just me). And familiarity breeds contempt and all that.

I’m closer to him than I am to probably anyone else and I’m not going to give this up. I hope he really meant all the times he said he’d keep me. I wanna be kept.

I’m having mood swings out the yin yang and being very upset lately. I keep trying to find things to make me happy. Lately I’ve been playing my guitar a lot. I also enjoyed writing my exposition in english (so much in fact that I extended it into an entire story). I’ve been drawing and what not mostly in art class. That’s been a catharsis big time.

So I guess I’ll just keep trying to do artsy stuff… This is rough and tough and hard but I can do it if I really really really try.

 I’m not even sure if I’m in this alone or not anymore… And it’s tearing me apart…

Sooo here’s the thing… I’m too stupid to figure out that I wanted to do track and missed the physical and am def. not going to my asshole family doctor. So I’m going to run on my own (maybe). But I do think I’m gonna go to open studio. Yay for Sarah…

I swear to God…. I try to talk to my mom about one thing and she just brings up all these bad things I hadn’t even thought of… Geeze, I was feeling fine and now I really feel bad.

I’m very aware of this that and the other thing… You thrust it in my face all the time.

I’m 16 and damnit I’m not supposed to have to worry about these sorts of things.

You know what I would like? I would like for everything to be okay. I would like to get a job and take care of some of my own things. I would like to not have to worry about my future. But according to my dear mother not worrying is not an option. That’s just lovely. Mmmm… I really need to write and draw. And I mostly want right now to go sit in my art class with my little scraffitto (sp?) tool and my slab of clay and sketch into it. And I wanna paint more and I wanna glaze my box. And stuff.

Too much stress… I’m very seriously looking into indoor track this winter. Running again would be absolutely amazing. And I think I might start staying Thursday for open studio. I kinda wanna do that art clubby thing…. Too late I think but I can still do open studio. I’m almost def. gonna take S&C II next year since I’m dropping French. Yeah…

So that’ll be it then. Next year I think is when you start NHS. So it’ll be AP English and NHS and art thing and cross country and skalespeare again and maybe Pandora’s box but probably not cause it’s Thursdays. And wouldn’t it be cool if I was on the school paper? I don’t even know how that works…

Well this year I think I’ll run and start being an open studio regular. And I thought about swimming for like 2 seconds… But ew.

And my grades should come up… And science fair… And figuring out what to uhm oh yeah do with the rest of my life…Mmm.

You know, to be honest, I’ve been thinking more and more lately what it’d be like if I was a teacher… Teacher’s don’t get paid much but I’d be better off financially than I am now for sure… I couldn’t live on that salary though. Meh. But I’d love to teach an art course. Man, how awesome… Just spend the day around art supplies and creativity and oh my wow.

I’m just going to wait and hope one of my friends get rich…. Get rich guys.