Have you ever watched the Gilmore Girls?
Even if you haven’t I have an interesting parallel for you…
So the performance is tonight. I was nervous, but I suddenly have this feeling like I’m just gonna be better than half the people. Not everyone cause there’s waaay better actors and actresses than me. I’m not even great. But I’m good.
And I glow.
So I finally figured it out… The only way to come close to perfect is to put yourself out of your priorities or whatever. But, well, the thing is if we’re not all at least a tad selfish then we die and stuff. Course we all FORGET that when we ask other people to make it all about us.
See… Nothings fair which pisses me off because it’s totally possible for it to be… Just hard.
And… I dunno. I’m noticing things. I’ve decided I really can’t hide behind my mental things. I mean… I try not to but let’s face it… I do. I’ve also decided that my anxiety thing isn’t half as bad as I thought. I was pretty fine as a kid. I’ve always performed gracefully under stress… Till the shit with my mom and the financial and medical instability that continued for 4 years (and is still going on). I haven’t had a stable moment since and, yes, that was a fucking traumatizing incident.
Lemme tell you what… Taking care of my two little sisters, getting them to school everyday, keeping up the house, and keeping spirits up (my dad’s included who wouldn’t go to work which was the begining of all our really bad financial times… Just in time for when I need money… thanks life…)… That’s all hard. I have my dad telling me she’s not coming back and me convincing my sister’s otherwise and me having panic attacks. I tried to go to dad once… While I was sitting there having a SEVERE panic attack (I thought I was having a heart attack and a nervous breakdown all at once) he started talking about how this was how things would be from now on.
Lovely. But that’s all not the point.
Jason brought it up like 2 nights ago or something… Post traumatic stress disorder. Which makes a lot more sense than my anxiety issues suddenly being super severe. I’ve always gotten stomach aches. My mom did too when she was my age and younger. That I have. But I think I have the other one too. ESPECIALLY since I’ve had no real, stable time to cope with it.
I seem nutty and insane but I only am a little. Teenagers are nutty by nature. Hormones and such wonderful inventions. But mostly I’m over dramatic and a worrier and other things that make life hard. And probably cyclothymic which doesn’t help.
I hate how I always ask people to conform to things. (Well I really don’t so often or with many people at all though…) Yeah, I can be selfish. We all can. But I take people into consideration in almost everything I do and feel selfish saying “I wish they’d do the same!” cause the only one I ever seem to say that to is random whoever reads stuff I write and Jason, who does or at least tries to but is thoughtless and stressed and has his own shit to deal with.
I’m still too hard on him. I know it. But then I get upset and well yeah… But still I manage to get soo mad when he does the same thing.
Well, Jason you’re sleeping so here you go… You get my thoughts now. (So I really really hope you read this….) I think you were right about the cooling off before we talk thing… I dunno why we don’t do it. We’re just idiots I suppose. And I’m sorry for never letting you sleep and what not. I know you wouldn’t have said it if you weren’t pissed or whatever but that doesn’t make it untrue. It’s selfish of me to ask you to stay on the phone just so I can get to sleep after we get off though when you’re tired. I dunno. I just hate if I let you just go cause I can’t sleep then is disrupts my sleep then I’m in a bad mood at you when I wake up and you don’t know why and it’s a mess.
Not making excuses here… Just explaining. But you knew why. And I know me not sleeping doesn’t seem like a big thing to you but I’m usually in bed asleep by 11. And I get up at 6. And I usually, well lately, do go to bed after we get off the phone, so I’m getting the same amount of sleep as you sorta kinda.
And I have something else to say about what you said, but not on here. So just remind me to tell you something else about us fighting and about Monday. Well… nah I won’t say it. I just don’t wanna forget. Well okay so fine… Why is it that everyone’s parents can seem to do nothing but fight and be together but when we do it we consider it horribles and ourselves stupid? I mean if married people that have practice at this whole relation of seriousness thing fight then why shouldn’t we? I mean, we’re pretty close as far as relationships go so it’s kinda normal. And I mean people don’t just get a divorce just because someone always pisses someone else off so why should we let that be an excuse for… Monday? So it’s not the same and we aren’t like bound together by anything that official but still… That’s my thought and it stands. And I think it’s a damn good thought. And true. So get back to me ’specially ’bout this one.
The rest of you… I dunno. I’m too tired to keep writing. I haven’t eaten all evening… WTF… I was gonna though? Points me.
