felix's daily adventures

Everyone seems to have lost themselves to drugs lately. Some have just lost themselves.

The holidays have brought people back together though. Even I’ve talked to some old friends (Chelsea, Jason, Nate, to be named especially).

2008 is going to be a better year. Everyone’s growing up past immaturity and lying and bullshit more and more each day, which I am personally VERY thankful for. At the same time, watching everyone suddenly completely change can be hard… Or maybe that’s just me.

I get very emotionally invested in people. And then get sentimental. Fact is if both parties aren’t in the mood to hear something sincere and heartfelt and long thought out, they are words falling on deaf ears and a waste of time.

WoW is fun. It’s addictive. But it’s not all encompassing. I couldn’t play WoW for hours on end like everyone else. I couldn’t give up my life. I lack that kind of passion in my life. But maybe it’s just because I haven’t found my “thing” yet. I will someday.

Looking back over 2007 has made me nostalgic and sad but happy (bittersweet is the word I believe I am looking for). I changed a lot this year. I hate who I was even 6 months ago. Even in the past 2 months I’ve grown.

I mellowed out. I calmed down. I disengaged myself. Hopefully these changes have been for the better.

There are some things (okay a lot of things) that I miss. But everything is for the better right now, I think. And I’m leaving my fate in the hands of God still (and I’m not afraid to say it… fancy that!).

That’s the other thing. Not to sound all Jesus freak hyper Christian, because I am not, but I find solace in religion and in having God actively in my life again. Say what you want about religion and your faith… I’m not trying to push mine on anyone and I expect the same courtesy from you all.

I got a cross for Christmas. My mom bought it for me. It’s white gold with a diamond and it’s the exact same one she bought me when I was 13 before she was institutionalized that I lost shortly after. I thought it was odd that I had lost that cross, and a lot of my faith despite REALLY discovering God at that time in my life, and then getting the exact same cross this year after finding my faith again in Catholicism and attending my old church (and seeing Jack, Joni and Dave who were big parts of my life growing up) and giving it another shot in my life.

Mostly now I hang out with my friends, I play WoW, and I play guitar. I’ve been writing and drawing more. I’ve been genuinely happy 97% of life (we all have our down days). It’s a good feeling.

I’m secure. I’m sane (that one took a while eh kiddos?). I’m still crazy and weird. I still do whatever. But now I run around with bed head and no make up and pajamas (life at 17 should be comfortable… comfort > appearance).

I have a terrible caffeine addiction developed, however. *gulp* Oh bother…

Also, little tid-bit that I’ve spent time discussing with Caleb fairly recently that popped into my head tonight; what they say about never getting over your first love is true. But that doesn’t mean you don’t move on. You can love someone and not in a lover sort of way, I guess is what I mean.

For instance, I think Jason has done a lot of low, scumbag things in his day (like lying and stringing me along) but I also recognize that people make mistakes and I’m a handful. I’m always gonna love him and have a place in my heart for him, but not in the way that I used to. It’s more like I think if I ran into 10 years from now, we could still sit down and laugh and have a good conversation (if he was a talker  that is…. he’s more of a play bass and do nerdy things alone type still last time I checked).

Speaking of which, for the record, I am quite content with my current relationship. I feel like I shouldn’t gush like a 13 year old girl, but it really does make me that happy. He comes to see me almost everyday. We watch movies and play video games and play fight and have fun. He’s a sweetheart when he wants to be (this is to VERY few people). He’s not afraid to ask for help (that’s a + to the male race for all you guys out there keeping score) and he seems to remember stupid random little details about things which I think is adorable.

And some nights we just lay here and talk for hours about EVERYTHING. It’s ridiculous. But there never seems to be enough time. I miss him days I don’t see him, and I’ve been told it’s a mutual feeling. Mostly, he’s a good person and he makes me feel good about myself and he makes me happy. I can’t say I know how this one will end up. I don’t know yet. It’s too soon to say (well obviously…). But Caleb is the type of person I found myself getting close to quickly and being really comfortable around.

Connor, Jason and Caleb all have some very similar character traits (good attributes, random little things, flaws). The skater, the musician and the dorky sorta nerdy in a weird way one. (Remind me to think of a better label for Caleb…)

Anyways, the last point I want to make to you is about cupcakes. They have frosting and are very good when made correctly. Few things actually surpass the cupcake. And why do I tell you this? My little cousin made amazing cupcakes and I just ate one…

I got art supplies out the ass.

…I can’t will myself to smile in emoticon form at the moment but rest assured, I’m smiling here. Art supplies… December…

This Christmas went better than last year. I’m happy I guess. I dunno what to write really… I had a point a few moments ago…

I got some very good non-material presents too… Serenity. Happiness. Satisfaction. The food was good.

I have to be miss sappy sentimental for a moment. It has come to my attention that anyone who has had any sort of surgery or pain or ailment and then takes painkillers become insta-nice. This means for Christmas I got an very unexpected IM from Jason. Why is this news? Well, it’s not. But I won’t say I don’t miss back in the day when we were just friends and things were simple. And now that we’ve barely spoken, or at least for today, we had a good, real conversation.

I appreciated it. It was a good Christmas present.

So is having my music and knowing my dad’s gonna finish my computer for me. So really is Caleb coming over. Not that this doesn’t happen most days anyways, but it’s a good end to a day, ya know?

First 12 hours of Christmas: Church service, Joni, Jack, Dave, Christmas lights, Caleb, WoW, Hollister perfume, more WoW, beef jerky in my stocking, comfy fucking pajamas, art supplies, the same cross I had and lost when I was 13 (which, yes, I take as a bit of a sign), group, level 10, too much Mt. Dew.

Things I didn’t miss from being born at the begining of the 90’s and not before: I saw the Sign and Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls.

That’s right stupid 80’s born kiddos. I missed NOTHING about the first few years of the 90’s. If you remember it, so do I.

Eat me. =]

…ungrateful spiteful little cunts….

Joni was at church. Jack and Dave were at church. Hell Rachel Wampler was at church.

I forewent mass to go to the old church and it warmed my heart. I almost cried.

MERRY CHRISTMAS MOTHERFUCKERS!

[btw, that's not the best thing to yell right after church service... People get angry...]

And I can say it now, and I didn’t before for reasons that need explained to someone else before the general public, but I have a new boything. And I’m quite content.

PARTY!!! I dunno where or how good but damn am I happy to get the fuck out of the house.

Happy Festivus jerk-offs.

And have a substance filled new year. *snear*

I JUST started playing WoW circa an hour ago.

Level 1 Undead Mage ftl.

Level 2 Night Elf Druid? FTW!

Horde > Alliance

But I can’t be a Blood Elf until I get Burning Crusade, and my Night Elf is better than my fucking Undead. And I started in a friendlier place where shit isn’t constantly ATTACKING ME!

WoW… FTW.

And now a list of completely random facts and observations and sub-lists just for the hell of it. Inspiration courtesy reading old blog posts. So let’s start on a cynical note that is reminiscent of old Sarah…

1: 99% of the world is comprised of immature assholes. Grow the fuck up. We all have our crosses to bear.

2: The size of a problem you have is in relation to past experiences, not the starving children in Africa. But it’s important to know that it could always be worse and count your blessings. The only easy way to do this is to look back at what you used to bitch about. Example: I bitched last year about finances. Now no one in my family has worked since April, we’re living on 522$ a month (give or take a few dollars?) and about to get slapped with fines I do believe. But I’m happier with life now than I was then as well. It’s about perspective gents.

3: To create a sub-list, a few random words and phrases that life is to me right now: summer nights, shooting stars, drunken nights, movies, lazy days, good friends who make good company, unexpected surprises, human dynamics, hope, living, happiness, love, laughter, running, sunsets, getting in trouble, trying new and stupid things, truth, self realizations, South Park, Scrubs, weird little old people, unusual small worldy circumstances, WoW.

4: The White Stripes are pretty bangin’. Just a thought…

5: Why is it ALWAYS the nerds?

6: Music IS life.

7: Since when or more so why is porch monkey a racial slur? Stupid Clerks II…

8: I’m hungry but not in an I wanna eat way.

9: Shopping tomorrow? Christmas ornaments? Why is it Friday and I haven’t talked to Liz all week?

10: Cleaning… MUST HAPPEN!

11: Oranges…

12: “Ugh if I went to the diner Warcraft would be coming WITH me… and the laptop. I get wireless there.” “Oh God…”

13: Elizabeth.

14: CEB. CC. Cara.

15: Twiggy little Judas Priest listening to bastard and Ryan having that CD.

16: Harland’s coffee with the princh of cinnamon or what the fuck ever that I REALLY miss.

17: Long haired pre jail Jojo.

18: Hyper activity at Wal Mart that I’ve convieniently forgotten? Oh Collin…

19: “I don’t wanna be a sheep. Ba baa baaa ba!”

20: Nostalgia. Pictures. Stories. Back in the day. FUCKING DIAMONDS AND RUST!

21: “You are such a child.” And… “Fuck. No shut up. I’m gonna make this work.”

22: Warcraft.

23: Warcrack.

24: WoW.

25: STUPID FUCKING GAME PIECE OF NONSENSE!

26: Wikipedia-ing Island in the Sun to figure out what memorable movie it was, apparently, in.

27: Playing guitar until your fingers bleed.

28: Cool words like cataclysm, fling, copacetic (I can’t spell without Firefox’s help… I’m sorry), temptation, smirk, wry, coy, egotistical, vanity, philosophical, metaphorical, nooblet, irrelevant, rather, misconception, perception, slut, galavant, skank, harlot, harlequin, shimmy, crackle, sizzle, click, all phrases that are non-cliche and descriptive ex core, cliche, anythingXcore, grindcore, scenester, trash, hoodrat, faery, glitter, SHINY!

29: Finding out you’ve been two degrees away from someone for years now. Glad I’m not the only one who noticed.

30: Drunk revelations of other people being told to me.

31: Explanations of questions I’ve never wanted to ask. Amusing and amazing explanations as well.

32: CHRISTMAS BITCH!

42: Douglas Addams (it’s two letters or something weird…) and The Hitchhiker’s Guide and all you hoopy froods out there. (And the ballsy ones who would drink pangallactic gargleblasters… Or whatever…)

43: My blog. My rules. My putting number out of sequence.

44: Me leaving numbers our ALL TOGETHER!

45: Feeling bad about 44…

46: 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41.

47: The end.

My intentions for today have been shot. I got up at a quarter to three (yesterday afternoon nat.). I made chocolate chip cookies. Then Chelsea Mez. came over to get help with a school thing. While she was still here Caleb came by (or should I say got here as this is a very normal thing?) and left not terribly long ago (like half an hour ago).

Rather than clean or be productive I ended up just watching TV and showing off pictures and listening to and exchanging stories and what not.

It’s funny how long 5 minutes can be and in comparison how short like almost 10 hours can seem.

…I spend waaay more time with Caleb per night than I thought I did, but even at Adam’s I always saw all the boys for, like, 7-8 hours a night.

Hm… Go figure. But after short 11 hour days, I don’t suppose this should surprise me.

The stories just continue though, and it never gets old. And I really do enjoy that.

And this song.

But considering it’s gone from constant and blatant misery, I’ll say this is an improvement, save for the danger part. But that has temporarily been revoked.

Something about being smiled at and called beautiful I suppose… Along with other things.

I’m content. I can fall asleep happily. Just when I’m getting worried, and it’s the end of the line, where others have failed time and time again you manage to magically pull through. That’s what counts.

I adore it.

I was reading through old posts (still am… I haven’t gotten through October 2006 yet honestly…) and found something interesting.

It was me musing about how everyone tells you to plan for your future CONSTANTLY and my question was when in life do we stop planning and reflect on what we’ve accomplished and just stop and BREATHE before moving on?

That time for me is NOW. I have no job. I’m not yet enrolled in my courses (system was down… ghey much?). And I’m not worried about any of it. I enjoy sleeping all day (sometimes) and spending weekends with my girlies. I enjoy my mess. I enjoy doing WHATEVER and being basically carefree.

I’m happy being alone FINALLY. After reading all these old posts, I’m happy to not be an obsessive clingy over-analyzing psycho bitch and I’m happy not to be over concerned with Jason. But realing this I also realize that I haven’t thought about him or talked to him for a while. I DO miss the friendship we had, but all good things in time. And if we’re supposed to rekindle that friendship, we will. If not, I learned a lot from him and grew as a person. And one day the memories I have of the two of us won’t be so much bittersweet as they’ll just make me laugh.

It’s 5 days till Christmas and I’m TRULY happy now. Despite the dark things happening around me in life, despite the threat of death and people in truly horrible positions, despite fines and lack of money and an anniversary coming up that marks my father as the lazy alcoholic bastard he is, none of it matters. I have a smile on my face. I can be 5 and squeal about how comfy these damn jammies are. I can be little and cute and a skinny fatty.

I can watch a fat guy in leather (Clerks II ftw?) that I wasn’t warned about and then lay around and listen to stories from back in the days for hours. Then I can get on my laptop and write until I pass out from exhaustion. Sleep, wake up, repeat.

I hate December and the fact that I’ve lost touch with people, but my gift for reading them is still intact and some seperation has proved to be good.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I love everyone.

I keep not being able to sleep more than a few hours at a shot and having nightmares all involving people I know. The LATEST involving Elisa, Elisa’s mom, my adopted grandmother, Carrie, Carrie’s mom, a random cab drive in a building that looked like one that I can’t recall from my childhood but that really exists, Nate, and some random Catholic guy I met once. And the president of Dickinson who, in my mind apparently, is a thin nerdy guy who really has no balls.

In the past they’ve involved some CRAZY ASS things, too. It’s all getting weird. But maybe weirder yet is that the normal cast of my dreams has disappeared. I used to see people like Chelsea, Connor, Jason, Tabitha, etc. in my dreams. I had one the other day that had Bobby, a rollercoaster, Caleb, Hambone, Ryan and Lisa.

Do I understand? No. But it’s okay.

Josh called me yesterday and I missed the call. =[ Sean must've said something to him about seeing me Monday night. And I scraped my elbow's at Cory's house last night. -.- Today the hour or so I've been up has thusfar sucked.

I had a mini-nightmare last night about not getting anything WoW related for Christmas since I went out last night and got caught. I woke up though and everyone was all hugs and what not [mostly because some really fucked up shit is currently going on in and around my family...].

I am worried about people spending their time an hour and a half away and more so their family. I wish I could say more, cause I’d love to vent about this one. But contrary to popular belief even I know when to keep my mouth shut.

Props to me for reopening old wouds with that one… I suck.

I know that you’ll miss me cause I’m never ever ever coming home…

My dad had STP. Myself has George Clinton. The weather appears to be not so bad. I’m pressing my mother DAILY  about my permit. My computer needs to be done NOW. I need a new iPod and a capo and… shit I forgot… Oh yeah! Cards for WoW.

Buahahaha! This whole not being at school thing is going wonderfully. Alalalalala. =]

We all DO run through life too fast don’t we? Or sleep too much of it away. Spend too many of our waking hours throwing piles of scattered white circles in our mouthes and falling into a state of disillusion for 14 more hours.

For some reason we let our pain and the memories of the past hold us back. There’s nothing wrong with reminiscing and even getting teary about it sometimes but in the end we just have to move forward and trust that what’s meant to be will and everything will work out for the best.

The problem with that is that in order for THAT to happen you have to believe your EXACT ONE TRUE destiny is already laid before you.

I think the choices we make still through in loops that allow us to edit our futures… My fear is fucking that up.

Well we both know what memories can bring. They bring diamonds and rust…

The same applies to the opposite sex.

Tonight an interesting and surprising encounter took place. And ended far better than expected?

My head and heart are always at war, but at the same time… People grow and change as do circumstances.

Thank God for The White Stripes, caffeinated beverages, video games, and good friends who make good company.

So I was reading over my older blog posts recently and went back to finish just now. The name Jason happens to be mentioned an obnoxious amount of times soo I had to go back and make a desperate and failing attempt to find something. So instead I just went with what I could. I found very amusing old accounts and various lyrics and random phrases from your and my favorite insane hippie stoner bassist. And I found this one which, yes, may or may not have made me think of the good times and tear up a bit (I’m a girl).

“There was music, dancing, cake, all that good stuff. By the way, dancing with Sarah is hella fun. So we really don’t ACTUALLY know what we’re doing, but WTF ever; we’re having fun so STFU. :-p Ahhh she’s such a hoopy frood…”

I miss the days of not being a psycho bitch.

Wondering “what if” is completely normal and I’m gonna not lie and say it doesn’t still happen sometimes.

I’m very happy as is, don’t get me wrong. Things are a lot more casual and easy. And the loss of THAT relationship mellowed me waaay the fuck out. Which isn’t to say I’m not still high strung because I am, but I can handle it.

I still miss back in the day, but some of us choose not to rub it in others’ faces. (That one was directed in an opposite direction.)

Ta-da? Ignore the lack of 8 in 2008 in the credits as well as the poorly synced music in the third credit screen in the begining and how Sympathy for the Devil starts a second and a half late and the lack of credit to the songs I used in the credit. Also, the attempt at part of Soulja Boy should NOT under ANY circumstances be taken seriously (really none of this should…) and I don’t have Crank That on a CD to put on this computer which is why Cyclone is used.

 Without further adieu…

I’m going to start a religion centered around cold & flu and pain medications. The metaphorical blood of Christ will alternate between Robitussin and Nyquil and the metaphorical body will be a rotation of a variety of pills. And on holidays we’ll all get hopped up on methadone and watch crazy movies and blast otherwise obnoxious music and dance around all big and look like Californians on meth in music videos and we’ll cause great mayhem as well.

Hallelujah!

Maybe we’re perfectly not meant to be
or more alike than we’re willing to see.
Maybe we’re not meant to not disagree.
Maybe we’re crazy, crazy…

[The Plain White Ts]

Don’t let me go for this.

I’m going to learn once and for all not only to roll with the punches but to not be over analytical and/or begrudging about it as well. Oh God… This might turn out very ugly loves… 

And on another note, Three Dog Night has reminded me of Eli which reminds me of the frustration that is what the fuck ever was before him… I can’t remember who I was hooking up with between breaking up with Jason and hooking up with Eli but it was a boy or two… I know at least one but I can’t remember who…

This is gonna drive me mad…

I found the pictures from Liz’s homecoming… And with them a few from the football game the night before. I remembered all that vodka we put in the orange juice we chugged before the stupid dance and standing at her bedroom window with her fan on reverse smoking. I remember the balloons being pretty colors. I remember going to the pizza place in Plainfield and taking stupid pictures.

Then I found one of me looking very spacy and wistful but hopeful. My eyes are bright and my hands are holding my head up. I’m grinning like an idiot. And why?

I wanted to see Justin. And I did all right… But things were quite different. He kissed me the night before. And don’t get me wrong, it was a great kiss, interrupted only by the fact that Tuesday was coming back and I could hardly let her stumble around in the dark (and trip on us?). So why do I bring this up?

Turns out loverboy had a girlfriend, an ugly freshmen at that (I’m mean but it’s the truth). And I was completely avoided at homecoming. After so much random shit too… A lot of fun times to be totally honest about it. And stupid phone calls.

He was a smart kid. He was adorable. He played guitar well. He dealt with me at my sickest earlier this fall.

He acted like a jerk, but I kinda miss that kid.

I hate this other secret. It feels more like Saturday than Friday. My sister his the video games from me. Kanye West isn’t cutting it. I got my $17.50 an hour job back.

*beats head repeatedly into wall* Did I mention December severely depresses me?