felix's daily adventures

I’m gonna run away to some place awesome. And I really just don’t care anymore. Emotions have no place in the real world. And I sit here typing this with a smile on my face. Why? Because I’m free. Fuck people. Fuck you. Fuck your achievements and everything you’ve worked so hard for. You haven’t changed the world and everything you’ve done isn’t gonna matter when you’re dead. And all the connections and mental connotations you have are just pulling you down aren’t they?

Maybe this will turn me shallow and cynical. But since what I do won’t matter when I’m dead why shouldn’t I live while I still can? I should. That’s the answer. And yes, certainly, I, being me, cannot completely block off all my emotions. I have my favored people I’d like to party with and die with. I have a  desire to have someone at my side, a significant other, for what may be my self destructive path.

But I would do fine sitting on a roof all night with my guitar too. I wrote a bangin’ song two nights ago when I was up all night miserable. It’s a terribly sad thing with lots of plucking strings. It came from my SOUL bitch, and it sounds like fucking ecstasy.

And how this is Weezer baffles me because it sounds NOTHING like them. Jesus Christ…

I’ll never be your monkey wrench.

My tonsils are so swollen they’re almost touching. I had a dream that Laura and I murdered someone. I have apparently done something horribly wrong. My arm really hurts where they took my blood. I’m not ALLOWED to walk anywhere for a long time because my doctor thinks I’ll rupture an organ. I’m sore, sick, and tired.

The good news is if you promise not to kiss me or touch things I’ve eaten or drank off of, I won’t be contagious to you! (I’m getting desperate for company. I think just because I need some cheering up.)

Sorry for bitching so much lately. Simply put, I’m feeling very ill, kinda down, and very betrayed…

I suppose I’ve got a knack for ruining relationships. At least that’s the feeling I’m starting to get…

What the fuck ever. This is why I just stay detached emotionally from people now. There are now very few people that can actually have some bearing on my feelings. And you know what? That’s just fine with me.

Ugh, sorry… I’ll be fine. I AM fine. I just needed to vent. It’s unfair to punish me when I didn’t do anything.

Then again, I was on benzos, so I may have said or done something. I really don’t remember. But I remember the rest of Monday night, so question mark I suppose.

I have the weirdest sensation of de-ja-vu. Insert sick to your stomach emoticon here.

30 minutes til I leave. I’m not gonna lie, doctors make me INCREDIBLY nervous. Especially mine. Especially my mom being in the room and all that “do you do drugs” “do you have sex” talk that I consistently lie about. But it’s been a while since I’ve done any drugs. And as far as the sex thing goes, it’s not like I’m out slutting it up. I mean seriously, I’m not like that. So why don’t I just say something? Well, my mom doesn’t really like my boyfriend so much and would go making assumptions before I had a chance to explain. *sigh* And I don’t like disappointing people.

Curse being sick and curse week days. I’m feeling very alone lately. That’s just the truth. I haven’t visited with anyone outside my family since Monday night. =/ I’m very much an extrovert. And right now, a sad sick extrovert.

I think I’m going to the doctor in a few hours and then, of course, to get blood work. Hopefully they can give me some sort of anti-inflamatory and/or analgesic and/or something with codeine so that I can sleep more (as if I’m not sleeping all but a few hours of the day away anyways). I only have the energy to type now because I can lay with my head propped up on a pillow and type without seeing the keyboard (my internet obsession finally pays off).

I tried to sit and read last night. I don’t even have the energy to concentrate and do that. And now I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, just stating the bizarre facts. This is sort of my own personal log anyways and if I wanna track my illness I’ll be damned if I’m not going to.

I have random muscle stiffness in my thighs and shoulders. My organs are (I believe) inflamed. Last night I had a weird stabbing pain, well more like someone pressing really hard on a bruise, but it hurt. I have an on and off again fever. My glands are swollen and my throat hurts. I have a cough sometimes, and my head is stuffed up and I sleep a lot.

And for once, whatever illness has taken me, I can barely force myself to eat. After having had the flu and pneumonia so many times, this is highly unusual. In the last 24 hours I’ve eaten two pudding cups, and two of those cans of diced peaches that are only a quarter or a fifth of what normal sized canned fruit is. (Excuse my grammar. It’s really hard to concentrate and I’m exhausted.)

I’m worried about me. And blood work. It’s not such a big deal, but Amy’s right; needles are needles whether they’re adding to you or taking away.

Don’t get mono. It’s miserable.

Not anymore (okay maybe a little once in a while).

I’ve been looking up old friends and old memories lately. Every cup of coffee, every chord progression, every rain, every finger ever interlaced with another, every kiss, every smile, every car ride driven by unlicensed persons, every summer night, every fire, every cigarette, every song, every cloud of smoke, every time anyone said “I love you” and anytime I melted.

Tonight I will read, shower, and decorate a shoe box in which to keep small trinkets and letters (I have one such box, but it’s full). I will also listen to old songs, and sigh a lot, and allow myself to feel bitter sweet feelings again and remember things I pushed out of my mind.

I will reflect on my past, my mistakes, and my heroes. I will probably cry. I will go to sleep, and wait for the weekend to come. Life will start rolling again. I’m just in a bit of a lull right now… Seeking excitement and danger?

But I have to be careful… I’m sick. This is not aiding my current situation. -.-

 Good news and bad news…

The good news is I got my vacation pictures back and found two that were too cute not to share (see below).

The bad news is some very bad things happened today. On top of that, I have an inflamed spleen, swollen glands, a sore throat, malaise and and on and off fever. Yes, folks… It would appear I have mono. I feel like shit and I’m very unhappy. -.-

But that’s kind of a lie, because I’m still smiling and things really aren’t so bad, ya know? But I am kinda lonely and I know the perfect person to cheer me up. *hint hint nudge nudge say no more say no more*

Now vacation pictures. Oh, and anyone who’s seen Caleb lately, lemme know. I seem to have misplaced him… *shrugs*

Balcony of our hotel.

Bahama Mama’s, before our boat ride.

More later maybe. I need another nap. =/

Sing me something
soft, sad and delicate
or loud and out of key;
sing me anything.

The throat thing has yet to disipate, my fever returned, my glands have been swollen for almost 3 weeks straight, and I’m tired out the ass (sleep 15 hours, be awake for like 8 and then sleep again for a few hours). My mom thinks I have mono. I think I’m going to the doctor soon (I hope).

Really, I hope I don’t have mono.

More than that, I don’t care. I’m happy. =D I don’t feel well, I’m a little tired, I’m kinda worried about things and a little lonely. But over whelming happy. I can’t put an excuse behind it, any logic, any time I’m looking forward to, exactly.

Caleb took off Monday evening; picked his stuff up and left my room without saying a word, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. *shrugs* I still need to clean and do school work and now I have things to mail to my wonderful Tabitha and I’m supposed to FINALLY get my vacation pictures back.

Lalalalalalala… My mind on my money and my money on my mind. (In my case this means nothing, I’m spacing out.)

That’s a lie. I’ve got something of an X rated thing going on in my head right now… [Hey, you all knew I'd grow up some time. Just because I choose not to go into detail about my sex life... *shrugs*]

Sigh. Oh 5:30 in the moring… I wish you were Monday night…

Insomnia results in frequent and meaningless blog posts stemming from the reincarnation of a blog addiction.

It also results in abnormal articulation the likes of which make one sound genius to the average street lurker, but insane to anyone else with an IQ over 120…. Give or take.

Insanity can not be conquered, only tamed. Its dormancy is disturbed by sleep deprivation.

Really, I’m just bored and I want my damn vacation pictures. Is that so much to ask?! :’(

I’ve been told this is a terrible replacement for emailing pictures. Lol! I’m sorry aol is blocked now, oh far away friend of mine. But now I can share my face with the random faces who stare at my blog too!

Hell if I know where my blog visits come from. I know they come daily; the stats tell me that.

And the rest? ….You tricky little bastards spying on my life. *wags finger*

That’s my stomach. LUCKY CHARMS TIME!

(My God life is good.)

Now I’m Darth Vader. Once was beat but now it’s later.
Love’s a boombox. Turn to fader. Love.
I’m in love again. Dooo doo doo dooo.

And now some pictures from the “lost” months of my life, for your personal viewing enjoyment.
[And I know you'll enjoy them. It's me after all... Conceited > no self esteem.]

(The not obviously photoshopped pictures have only been resized. Any bad skin? Whatever. I keeps it real now.)

 <– Obviously photoshopped.

 Pajamas of winter. Pre sunset throw up hair. -.-     Sunset throw up hair. -.- But the snow was pretty!

 Night I went to my head with a pair of scissors and came out with the hair I have today. I love it, by the way.

 Sarah combines an emo belt with a skirt to become some weird scenester super hero! (In my head of course… giggle grin)

 Again, love this hair cut. Therefore pictures.

 Cute slightly riske picture was necesary. For my adoring fans. SWAK!

 Very bright light and a very odd and confused face?

 You see me acting weird. I see skin imperfections.

 And here I show you, scowling for some reason, part of the wreath that was on my front door this Christmas.

 Any and all cute wears off once I sleep in whatever clothes and make up I was in…

  Bright light and weird camera angles fix everything.

 Look who’s adorable even though she’s making a weird face and has bed head and raccoon eyes! Awww… (Kinda creepy actually. But since everyone always only posts good pictures of themselves, I figure why not post the not so good ones too?)

 Cole the snow woman.

The end.

I wasted an hour doing this somehow… Know I need some breakfast and a trash bag. *sigh* And school work is today… Damnit all. I want coffee suddenly…

A brief list:

- virtual bubblewrap
- coloring books (the program paint is included with this as in plain old paper and crayons, sharpies, etc.)
- music from back in the day (old rock n’ roll and anything psychadelic)
- pizza, and various other foods
- the graphics on Windows Media Player, Winamp, or iTunes
- Youtube (Google Video too, but the results aren’t as good.)
- various disney movies
- colorful and/or shiny beads or other small objects

But don’t take it from me; find out for yourself.

*sings* It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small, small world!

…Actually, the world is rather large. Cheez It’s are pretty small though.

Everything in life in a part of the puzzle we’ll never solve, but would life to be able to see as clearly as possible.

Kids with glasses have it twice as hard…

I can do the math in my head or on paper. It will come out the same every time. This is more complex math than I’ve handled before. I think I’ve got the answer though. The problem is I can’t fully grasp the damn concept. So I don’t know if I’ve correctly interpreted the facts. If I have, I have the answer. If not, the variables could all, or even just a few, be changed and the end result could also dramatically change.

Math hurts. But I’m good at it. I know one way to make sure I get the right answer. Go to the math master.

we all wanna change the world. 

Don’t you know it’s gonna be all right?

—It’s better to go down easy. When I’m stuck in this spin, look at the shape that I’m in. It’s pulling me down, but I’m enjoying the view.—

If you’re starting to crash it’s better to go down easy.

…we all shine on.

But what’s most important at this stage in my life is me. Me wants to clean my room, repaint my nails, get my vaca pics back, and take a nice long cat nap.

How do you interpret things? How much control do you believe you have versus fate? Do you believe in fate? Do you believe in God? Will He give you a sign? Is there a right and a wrong or just different paths that will lead you different places after all?

Many choise in life are irreversible. They all alter you.

I have trouble with choices sometimes more than others. We all do.

But I know, I don’t know how I know but I do, that things are going up from here. Life is going to keep getting better for me. By this time next year, anything bad that has hindered me will be a distant, fading, sour memory. Life will be better.

I believe this without a shadow of a doubt. Okay, maybe a shadow, but it’s not deturring my hope.

You have to take a break from the euphoria of life once in a while and stand back and inspect the damage too. Otherwise, it’s called bottling your emotions. Mine come out of my fingers as blood on guitar strings occasionally, but usally just as the words I type or write. Sometimes still as small tears. But I don’t bawl anymore. I don’t sob. I just let a few tears out now and then, when appropriate, and it feels right.

Do any of you have any idea how frustrating it is to waste so much time scouring the internet for something you know, without a shadow of doubt, exists in cyber space but unable to find it? And having the knowledge that the URL is cleverly hidden, possibly deleted, on the computer your little sister broke and has since failed to attempt to fix, but has probably delted many things on?

INFINITELY FRUSTRATING!

You have the answer to my little conundrum, which I can’t even spell, and you’re not going to give it to me are you?

Ugh. You’re driving me insane.

New York I love you, but you’re bringing me down.

New York I love you, but you’re freaking my out.
There’s a ton of the twist, but we’re fresh out of shout.

New York I love you, but you’re bringing me down.
Like a death of the heart, Jesus where do I start?
But you’re still the one pool where I’d happily drown.

Maybe I’m wrong and maybe you’re right.
Maybe you’re right and maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe you’re right and just maybe I’m wrong.

For goodness sake! I got the hippy hippy shake!

Superstitious has the catchiest bassline anywhere.

Fluffhead was a man with a horrible disease.
Could not find no cure.

His eyes were clear and pure but his mind was so derranged…

And what about Fee?

This is the story of the Hurricane.

I’m cold as cold as cold can be, be.
I wanna swim away but don’t know how.

Let the rain come down.

Karma police, arrest this man.
He talk in maths. He buzzes like a fridge.
He’s like a detuned radio.

Karma police, arrest this girl.
Her Hitler hairdo is making me feel ill.

This is what you’ll get when you mess with us.

George Clinton?! Where? *drool*

“Obviously Trey Anastasio loves me. The song’s called Mozambique. Ring any bells?” “No.” “Oh that’s right… You never went to school with me.”

Ooh child, things are gonna get easier.
Ooh child, things will be brighter.

I know that you’re the right girl.

Right face, wrong time. 
She’s sweet, but I don’t wanna fall in love.
Too late, so deep.
Better run cause I don’t wanna fall in love.

Love is not an option.

I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes…

She was an American girl!

Why can’t Dropkick Murphys have more than 2 songs I can regularly stand? Forrealsies…

Sam Winston would disown me for that one up there. ^ Anyone with even a wee bit o’ Irish in ‘em have MUCHO pride.

Boys don’t cry.

If I could tell you the things, people more or less, Grace and I ended up having in common. 0.o

MUSIC A.D.D! [Brought to you tonight by the following:]

New York I Love You – LCD Soundsystem

Hippy Hippy Shake – The Beatles

Superstitious – Stevie Wonder

Fluffhead – Phish

Fluffhead reminding me of Fee, also by Phish.

That reminding me of Hurricane by Bob Dylan as covered by Phish in my iTunes library.

Swim Away by Blue October.

Karma Police by Radiohead.

Play the Funky Music White Boy and of course George Clinton, Parliament Funkadelic and KC and the Sunshine Band.

Spin by Trey Anastasio coming on my iTunes and reminding me of a conversation with a friend not long ago about how wonderful I thought it was that he had a song called Mozambique as, for a very brief period in life, that was my nickname.

Ooh Child by Phish. =D Great song by the way.

 I Don’t Wanna Fall in Love by She Wants Revenge.

Pepper by Butthole Surfers, which has been replaced as my favorite by them by Dracula From Houston and Summer in the City. =D Another great band, but with such an awkward name…

Tom Petty, obv.

Shipping Up to Boston by Dropkick Murphys.

Dropkick Murphys and my indirect insult to them, or maybe it was somewhat direct… cough…. , reminding me of Sam Winston and Caleb and Waldo and Britany and how everyone Irish I know has hardcore Irish pride.

Boys Don’t Cry by The Cure.

The Cure being associated with Grace Henry in my head, who I have more in common with than I thought apparently. Details can be gone into upon further demand of knowledge only.

And not Eisley, Something Corporate, Rilo Kiley, or Shiny Toy Guns somehow. Primus was in there somewhere, but The Ballad of Buckethead didn’t pique my interest as much this evening.

Throw Rise Against, All Time Low, Vampire Weekend, and Ima Robot in there too please. Love’s a Boombox just didn’t come on, but I saw it. And Dinosaur Jr. came on several times, invoking memories of Dinosaur Senior.

And of course, Punk Rock Princess. And the Jack’s Mannequin song about amphetamines.

And now the Dropkick Murphys are somehow on again. -.- Damnit….

On the other hand, you can’t save people by preaching. (I can’t save people by preaching.)
You can’t change people. You can’t bring them back. (I can’t hold on to memories and try to reincarnate better times.)

Maybe what I thought I wanted isn’t what I wanted after all.
Or maybe I wanted what I wanted because I thought it wasn’t was it was.

*beats head into wall*

Thank God for my guitar. Major chords magically intertwined with minor chords, fifth chords, various assorted other chords, to create melodies that stir the deepest emotions.

Music brings people to life and invokes emotion in even the most bitter.

It moves you forward in life. It makes you cry. It reminds you that you’re never alone in your feeling.

If I were to lose everyone in my life right now, I’d take my guitar and go sit in a cabin up in the woods for the rest of my life, and I’d miss everyone I love, and write ballads of sadness and loneliness and incorporate my memories and I’d cry, but ultimately, I’d be happy.

Music is life. Somewhere in my highschool years, with friends and relationships, I managed to keep loving music, but stop making it. I shut it out.

Forgive me, music. Let’s start over. I’ll make it work this time.