felix's daily adventures

I walked home this morning in the brisk late March wind and listened to some nice, relaxing music. I watched the sun rise and thought of summers passed.

Then I thought about how a day won’t pass in my life when the sun won’t rise. It was then I realized everything was going to turn out okay.

Even all the stupid ass things I wrote tonight, all my mistakes here and since passed, they’ve all contributed to the greater good. I have no regrets because all my little screw ups led to who I am now.

Curled up in a ball in the back of that red car speeding down the pike, I watched the streetlights and stars and made my decision.

Oh Saosin. Oh bloody stupid swollen lip [I thought better of it I'll have you know].

On the opposite side of everything I just wrote [I'm sitting away from home right now by the way. The sun is rising and I'd like nothing more than to be in the arms of one of two people. I'm feeling incredibly sick and confused. Sobering up sucks. I get twice and drunk for half as long as other people though. Kudos Jason for pointing THAT one out to me one night when I was drinking Everclear and discussing Pokemon and computers with him.] I can’t take on other’s emotional problems, dig?

I’ll be there helping and fighting like a good friend, someone who cares, should, but I can’t take the weight of the world on my shoulders. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to save themselves.

Something unexpected and probably icky is going to happen today. I’m an old fashioned little girl though and I take life at my pace. People who are obviously out for one thing from the get go are also immediately rejected at the get go. I’m sorry if my openess about my sexuality, my confidence, or the nature of my pictures throws you but let me tell you something; I’m not that girl and I never will be so don’t waste your time.

Chivalry is dead, which is okay because quite frankly I don’t care if my doors are opened for me and I purposely walk through puddles. I’m no feminist of any shit, but I’m highly independent. So while I don’t expect chivalrous amazing behavior, I do expect some common courtesy, decency, and a little respect. Honesty comes in before all that. I just want someone straight-forward with good intentions.

I’m sick of guys that talk to me just to get some. I see through your bullshit. If I don’t now, I will long before you get anywhere near this. As well, I don’t sleep around. I gotta be in a relatinoship with you and I basically better think you’re pretty damn special. I’ve slept with two guys in my life thusfar and I’m not out trying to break any records.

The stupid birds are chirping. I kind of wished I’d just stayed in my own bed in my room for the night. Not that I don’t love everyone who is/was here. I’m sick though and drinking wasn’t such a hot idea. I already had a fever, sore throat, congestion and a headache without adding my retarded piercing expedition to that. Thank God I don’t get hangovers. Really I didn’t drink much. The equivalent of two and a half shots of whiskey really [80 proof]. But shit got crazy no lie. My hands are covered in blood and my lips are stained. I’m a dumbass. It’s cool. I can admit to my mistakes.

Once we were done riding around and eating food at Waffle House, I sat on this bed and realized there was one thing I really wanted to do; play bass. Is that weird? I think so. And I don’t think this would be so long if I wasn’t the last one awake and sobering up and at a complete unloss of energy (ie I am still wide awake).

I don’t know what to do with myself. Not just right now, but in the long run of life too. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t know what to do about my heart. But actually, I can’t explain how, I know EXACTLY how things will turn out. I’m not sure if I accept them, but I have to I guess?

I wish I wasn’t sick. I always wish I wasn’t indecisive and fickle. I wish I could just let things go. Sometimes I wish I could think less with my heart and more with my head, but that’s not who I am. Really, I wish when I said I was amazing or gorgeous that I was saying it more because I truly beleived it and less because I was trying to convince myself while making the masses believe I’m super confident.

Internal battles. I’m not bitching about myself but at the same time I am. Usually, I just feel fucked up and kind of unsure but it’s not a bad thing. I can’t explain.

I wish my best friends were awake right now. One’s at a sleepover sleeping by now and one’s laying somewhere feeling ill and hopefully getting some very needed sleep.

I won’t tell anyone I’m home. Just go home and go to bed.

As well, my cat Caleb ran away last night and I’m worried shitless because it’s basically my fault.

I wish you’d come visit me. More so I wish you felt well so at least I could visit you. I wish one of us wasn’t feeling sad and disdainful of life at the moment. It’s selfish of me, but I wish you’d show up at my door or window unexpectedly like you did a time or two before and throw your arms around me, though I don’t think I’ll be crying or call you this time, and tell me you thought I could use someone or just tell me things would be okay. I wish I could come hold you and tell you things would be okay. I wish things would stop hurting and being confusing and just be okay.

I wish I did obsessive compulsive blog and hyper document my life. I wish I was better. I wish I could do my school work and get and keep a job. I feel like the biggest waste of existence sometimes. My room is a mess. I always think it’s so great because I always put everyone else first. But what am I doing with my life? Why can’t I take my own advice and get my shit together? Will I ever? I have serious doubts often. I’m ammotivated. I don’t care about school or money. I care about surviving and being with the ones I love and that’s it. I’m reckless and careless about myself.

I would lecture anyone to the ends of the earth about EVERYTHING and then go out and drink and think about going for a drive and stick sharp things into myself. What’s wrong with me that I can fill my heart with such love and devotion for everyone else and know all these great things about myself and still be such a waste?

I know I’m not ugly and people find me attractive. I know I’m intelligent. I know people think I’m fun to talk to and hang out with. I know people are more insanely attached to me than I know. If I know all this, why can’t I feel good? It’s almost an artificial, a chemical type confidence. It’s logically there, but emotionally, I don’t feel it a lot. That’s an inadequate explanation.

This is an inadequate post by a girl living an inadequate life. My words tonight will probably make eyes and stomaches everywhere roll in disgust and anger and disappointment and annoyance. I’m sorry for being such a pathetic excuse for life sometimes. I’m not sorry for who I am though and for loving myself despite these insane pitiful rants and attempts to reach out and control my life again.

I regret nothing. I am who I am, take it or leave.

But baby I hope you take it…

Your feet making their way out my door and the rest of your body following, a swish of air brushing against me on my bed when you close my door.

If I could, would I could, I would lay under my sheets tangled in your arms for the rest of my days pretending the world doesn’t exist.

I know the needle in my life disappoints you. I know my choice of friends makes you cringe. I know you shake your head and think I don’t get it and know I could be so much more. I know you know, and I love you for never giving up hope on me. And now it’s my turn and I’ll never give up on you.

The only thing you can do sometimes is be the best friend you can to somebody. Thom A. for the Haus taught me that tonight without realizing it. It’s true.

I will always stand up for you, with you, against you, whatever the cost.

I know that’s an odd thing to say but I’m sick, sad music is playing, and I’m a little drunk too.

But it doesn’t make that anymore true. I love you. No matter who comes into my life, what arms hold me at night, what lips crash into mine, what finger may one day put a ring on my finger, I think, at this point in life, I can honestly say that none of them will ever be you in my head, they’ll never stack up. No matter how perfect they are or how imperfect you are, no one can match up to in my hand, just stand in your light and cast a shadow temporarily in your direction.

You’ll always be in my heart. There’s not one soul on this planet half as astounding as you are and God do I wish you knew it, really knew it and really believed it. I wish you were happy. I miss your smile and that innocent happy look on your face and the bright spark in your glistening eyes. I miss the sound of your laughter.

I would kill to get all that back. I would kill to take your misery upon my own being, all your helpless despair. I wish so bad I could save you. I wish I could be your hero, your love, I wish you lived just a little bit for me.

But you call me best friend and not a day goes by that I don’t appreciate that. I may want more, but if this is all I can ever have, I can live with that too, as long as your in my life sharing your secrets with me. You have no idea how ridiculously happy it makes me that you can come and bitch at me about your life. You have no idea how much I love being that person, let alone being a girl too.

I know you don’t love me like that. Maybe you did before. Maybe you will again, but then again maybe you won’t. I don’t think I’m in love with you, I know.

It won’t hold me back. I can still feel that longing for others too. In fact, I feel it now tugging me in other directions. But I know in the end of all of it you’re the one I’ll always wind up laying around with at all hours on the night sighing and watching the stars.

I’m so drunk. I’ll regret tomorrow not making that private. I will. It makes me seem stuck, desperate, lonely, hung up, but none of that is it. They say you never truly get over your first love. That’s true. I’ll never get over mine. But it doesn’t mean I won’t love again, and more if my soul mate is still out there for me.

Let’s not lie. That whole thing was  directed to one individual and the end part about how I can sill love again was directed at one person. Sarah, grow some nuts.

I wrote this a long while ago and it reminded me of lately…

“Let my eyes turn black. Let the blood bleed from my veins, full of holes, bruises down my arms. Let me slip into a chemical wasteland over saturated with people who can’t deal with their lives without artificial aid. Let me be surrounded with junkies and burn outs and people to my left and my right whose eyes slide back into their skull and never return.”

It was that time in my life I got told not to do heroin. It was then that I was threatened and let my love of others take over me. More so, I let my love for someone control my actions again.

It’s one of the only times I don’t regret it.

And baby you’re still my favorite memory, the best faded picture in my drawer. <3

An interesting twist of fate, the one person that I never thought would give up hope on me or himself seems to have. Conversely, the person in our heads we were doubting hope in, well we were completely and totally wrong.

Just as things got bleak and I was giving in for the night to go get cake, Elisa IMed me, and long story short me and Steph went and got her and she stayed at my house last night. Actually, it was a really good time. Stories were told and compared and ironies shared. We found out there are still many things we can’t share around other people and generally had our own good, understood time like back in the day.

She left at 9:14 this morning. I’m assuming that’s when he mom got here but maybe not. She definitely slipped out and thought I was asleep. Silly girl.

Now Chelsea March is coming in town and I think perhaps I may see and/or hang out with said lovely.

The one person I would give my life to save, I can’t and you know what? I may honestly be done trying. Some things are too big for me and I think this may just be in  the hands of God now. Of course, He helps those who help themselves, and maybe that’s my biggest fear; I don’t know that I believe this kid’s doing all he can to help himself.

I’m going back to my roots. I’ve had all I needed all along. Why did I doubt it for so long?

Oh wilting charity flowers and empty pill bottles.

Just watch my wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving…

Angel, please don’t start.
You know you’ve always had my heart.
My gorgeous lover, please don’t stare.
There’s nothing for you here.

Hey babe, don’t point to me.
I’m nothing you wanna see.
Don’t run your fingers through my hair,
And please, stop standing there.

Don’t whisper sweet apologies.
Every word sounds like a eulogy.
Where once it was alive,
My angel, you let it die.

So don’t come around my bed.
Don’t recall what was said.
Don’t press your lips to mine.
This has yet to heal with time.

Or to hell with all the little lies,
And long live these odd sacred ties.
These aged ties to you that break and give,
Are the same that give me the will to live.

You never do what I expect.
I never expect the things you do.
You constantly let me down.
And yet I’m so in love with you.

[A small, random, poem that was ACTUALLY for once unprovoked. It started with the first two lines randomly penetrating my mind and my fingers were off tapping away. It’s not so great and I’m sure could use revising, but it felt good to write.]

Needles, studs, veins, cuts, colors, sites. What the fuck?

I bought cute underwears… blue with little stars. I shaved my legs and I’m making my hair brown sometime in the future. Like plain, nice, smooth, chocolate like, warm brown.

As for everything else, take a break from the noise? I never DO listen do I, except that I am momentarily. And I know, I know; falling in love out of nowhere really knocks one on their ass doesn’t it?

Everything is just as I knew it would be. Ugh, but seriously? Ew.

7:27 PM. March 28, 2008. Sarah concedes once again.

Seriously, why fight a pointless battle? I’m done wasting my energy. Where’s my skirt and my lighter? I’m going out.

First, forgive me for looking mildly chubby in this picture.

It wasn’t my Halloween costume for trick or treat [for that, I was a belly dancer and it was hella sexy]. Rather it was what I wore when the three of us pictured went to the Arts Haus Halloween dance party. [The Arts Haus ftw! It's fucking an epic place to be. And you're probably not cool enough to hang there outside of the shows they used to have in the basement. Don't feel bad. We can't all be me.]

ANYWAYS, this was a kid’s costume Steph modified the year before to be the nurse from Silent Hill. Hurrah! Picture? Not so great. But IRL I was hella sexy with mad cleave and lots of college guys trying to rape me in the loud, smoky, balloon filled front room of the Haus. EPIC!

I am unbreakable but it looks like I could sometime soon
And you are unreachable about as possible as me touching the moon

Cuz I’m alive…

Tonight I took off on a walk through town with no real goal or aim in mind. The lights on and around the parking garage caught my attention in the simple, elegant, industrial beauty contrasted against the ink black sky dotted by the moon shrouded in a dusty veil of clouds. I went up there just to sit and admire it for a while. I took my camera out to take a picture, then put it back and decided to take a mental snap shot. I want to sketch it out now though because I never want to forget the feeling of peace and tranquility that came from walking down the cold dark alley and seeing the moon beckon me up to watch it. The air was cool and crisp [a 40 degree night]. The stars weren’t out, not that you could’ve seen the tiny pin pricks of light with all the light pollution around here. Never the less, it was one of the most memorable night skies ever. And maybe it’s because it wasn’t a perfect night sky. Maybe it’s because it was a cold fucked up night with no stars. Maybe it’s because the skyline that called me up was edged with steel light posts and flickering bulbs and a large ugly concrete structure. Maybe it’s because the moon in all its glory was hiding broken under the clouds.

Part of life, acceptance, love, is finding beauty in imperfections. Standing in amongst the wreckage, taking solace in the simplicity of the smoke curling up. Tangled in mess, finding something small, unbroken, insignificant except it’s personal meaning.

Less than a year later, here we are.

Heather may be in Carlisle tomorrow.

Out of EVERYTHING said tonight, I can’t believe that is how I choose to start a blog post. Really Sarah?

But the rest, it doesn’t matter to the general public. The evening ended on a pleasant note. Not if I put deep thought into the events of NOW but if I can let that part go.

Whatever. I make no sense. =)

Uhm, hey nitwits, hiding from your emotions doesn’t prove ANYTHING good about you. Fucking accept whatever is in your heart and move on. So what if you’re hung up on someone who doesn’t like you back? Big deal. Deal with it and move on with your life.

My God, it is sooo good to be talking to Elisa again. I almost forgot how much I love it.

Fucking pathetic fuckers in this world. God damn. Get over yourselves. You’re nothing special.

Even if you ARE something special, you’re not so different either.

<3 Tabitha and Elisa. That’s it for today. The rest of you are douche bags. Have a nice life.

[In case you didn't get it yet, I really don't care what you think of me, or of yourself. Your perception of yourself is probably horribly distorted anyways. Take a good honest look in the mirror honey. You're pathetic.]

So, basically, funny story about my license…

They test you on your knowledge of car controls right? Well, the battery in MY car was dead, so no go on testing in the Chevy. No problemo because that thing’s a beasty. But the Buick was also still dead, so ugh-oh because the brakes in that damn van suck. So does the battery after headlights, which I forgot.

Anyways, she has me turn the car to “on” and switch on the headlights, and then my high-beams. Now this van is old and you can’t see the little blue indicator light in the day when you turn the high-beams on. No problem REALLY because why the FUCK would you be using your high beams during the day anyways? But this lady wanted to SEE HIGH BEAMS NOW RAWR.

So she stood in the front of the van. “On. Off. On. Off.” We played this game a little too long. I got the car started to parallel park, and won at that, and then the car wouldn’t start again.

THAT’S JUST MY FUCKING LUCK DAMNIT.

Sooo now I get to reschedule. But I guess it’s not the end of the world, but seriously what a fuckin’ buzzkill.

Having an hour and a half of sleep before your license test is great. Waking up and having the first thing your mother do be bitch at you because God forbid you get your license without a job when she was the one who told you not to get one till you could drive is great. Getting bitched at about your parallel parking when you were taught by a careless blind woman is great.

Then to have her come down after all that… “I brought you some juice.” I’M REALLY NOT FUCKING HUNGRY, THIRSTY, ANYTHING BUT EXTREMELY STRESSED ANYMORE KTHNX. I HAVE ALREADY CRIED MORE THIS MORNING THAN I HAVE IN THE PAST WEEK ALL BUT. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

I have not been kidding when I said I NEED to get out of this house. Just 3 more weeks…. 3 weeks and I can be out of state. And until then, I’m still really trying to make the best of things.

This morning, I’m depressed, anxious and feeling quite abandoned. It’s a lovely feeling really…

Leaving in 15 minutes. Hopefully, an hour from now, I will be a licensed driver.

I can’t believe that back in the day I had doubts, or that I ever thought I wasn’t pretty. I was so gorgeous then. Not that I’m not now. I guess I should appreciate how I look more.

I want to grow my hair out and make it a cholatey brown again. It suited me and it looked good. I kind of miss the wide starry eyed days… No piercings, minimal eyeliner, and blissful innocence.

As well, my insanity is caused by overanalyzation and  insecurities I have decided. Mostly, it’s because I’m afraid people have changed their minds and not bothered to tell me.

That, and I’m 17. If a psychotic day here and there isn’t expected, then you’re just stupid honestly.

Worst than being used is knowing it and letting it happen.

That’s not who I am. But it’s exactly who I am. I’m the girl that let herself be captured and wound around someone’s finger only to be dropped off into the abyss, that girl that clings to a thread and dances to any whim to keep the tie from being severed.

I’m not even blind anymore. I know it’s a short short fall, one from which I would arise, dust off my jeans, and recover from.

So why am I so scared of it? Why can’t I just let this go? Why let myself be lied to, used? Why do I believe that’s true sometimes and other times believe that I’m being paranoid?

What’s wrong with me?

To beta-test WoW you have to live in SoCal. Fuck me in the ass. I was built to love, not work… Oh and so much for getting to bed by midnight since I gotta be up before 7…

fleurenplastique (1:21:30 AM): fuck working.
fleurenplastique (1:21:35 AM): i was built to love not work
Drunk0nShadowsx3 (1:21:45 AM): me too
Drunk0nShadowsx3 (1:21:50 AM): but I HAVE to stay at this job
fleurenplastique (1:22:09 AM): lets be stripper drug dealers.
Drunk0nShadowsx3 (1:22:31 AM): not so sure about drug dealer part but I WOULD be a stripper haha
fleurenplastique (1:23:02 AM): lol ok u strip ill deal the drugs
Drunk0nShadowsx3 (1:23:13 AM): ok!
Drunk0nShadowsx3 (1:23:13 AM): lmao
Drunk0nShadowsx3 (1:23:19 AM): this is kinda sad
Drunk0nShadowsx3 (1:23:25 AM): bc I’m serious

…Well… I wouldn’t strip… But seriously, I would deal drugs. Oh so sue me. Fuck you. I’ll just go win the lottery. THAT’LL show you.

PS: That’s Tabitha who I’m going to live with in Attalla [Alabama] sometime before summer (not sure when because April and May are PSSA-y and prom-y and inconvenient).

Actually, fuck school and I’m not going to prom anyways. Why don’t I just spend TWO MONTHS there? -.- Sheesh.

I’m beat. Why am I still fucking awake? [Because someone got obsessed with Jet basslines and Interpol basslines and went a little CRAZY with the learning stuff SARAH. My fingers are starting to get little hard spots that will eventually turn into callouses.]

Ugh oh… Do I sing or play bass? ^o^ <–internal conflict face

*bashes head into wall* The next few years are going to be long and stupid aren’t they? Well foo. I’m gonna need lots of drugs and music and ice cream and money. I.E. I’m gonna get a job, and probably say fuck you to school.

*sigh* “Sarah you could do soo much more with yourself.”

Yeah… I could. But I just wanna play and sing music and be with the ones I love. I want to more than survive. I do want to prevail, but not career wise. That’s not important.

You only get one life. The things I love matter most to me.

Science, knowledge, Tabitha, Jason, bass, guitar, singing.

I wanna string theory proven. I wanna learn everything I could ever be curious about. I always want Tabitha and Jason in my life. I wanna be an astounding bass player (I don’t have years. I have to prove myself. I started late.). I wanna keep playing guitar too. I know I’ll never not sing.

In my own sick twisted way I want to thank you. You made me compliment myself when it was way to hard to take.

Life has meaning now.

[I'm gonna learn how to play bass and THEN I'm going to be a bass player. ASDF OMG ONE ONE ONE. Excitement.]

Well if THAT’S how we’re going to play, then let the games begin.

I’ll be DAMNED if anyone’s gonna get away with being a dick to me right now. I’m not everyone’s fucking whatever of convenience be it because you want sex, drugs or just a place to chill. We’re playing by my rules again get it?

I’m sick of all you tool bags. Go to hell.

By the way, don’t hang up on me. That’s not the way to get what you want.

Maybe other females enjoy being treated like dirt, but in when it comes to me, it just makes me resent you.