felix's daily adventures

Suddenly I feel like I’ve been put in a box and pushed to the back of the closet. I scream and scream to be heard or seen or used again but no one can hear me. Meanwhile all the other toys are mad because I’m an intruder so they yell and shout.

I don’t know what I mean. Maybe it’s just today. Today I feel very… ganged up on and unwanted, even though that’s a horribly juvenile way to put my emotions and it isn’t entirely accurate.

It’s weird. I can understand everyone’s intentions, suspicions, over-reactions, but I also find myself having more trouble understanding why they haven’t themselves realized that they’re being irrational.

Being logical and mechanical and all understanding isn’t all it’s cracked up to be [I only mean all understanding in that I'm almost never confused by situations anymore, not all knowing as in some super omniscient being who has life in the palm of her hand or something equally stupid]. In fact, even though I understand many situations, I just feel empty and kind of lonely because not enough other people can understand a given situation.

I had the thought once… What happens when you transcend the plains of thinking that everyone around you are on? There’s no one there. It’s empty. You are alone.

It’s not that other people in the world don’t think this way; it’s simply that I’m mentally in a place that most of my friends aren’t at, or maybe have passed, or maybe some of them are here with me, but there’s something keeping us apart.

I don’t know really. It’s probably just me having a bad day. Boo.

You’re just a waste of a song. You’re a simple regret. 
I thought I knew who you were, but watch how fast I forget. 
You wore your prettiest dress, but there’s a mess in your head.
They say old habits die hard. I say they’re better off dead,
cause you were bitter and cold, but still you burned me alive.
You held the match to my skin and poured the fuel on the fire. 
You’re not my favorite mistake. You’re just a simple regret. 
I though I knew who you were, but watch how fast and watch how well I forget. 

It’s too late to play the good guy. It’s too late to play the good guy now. 
It’s too late to play the good guy. Goodbye. 

Here’s the final bullet to put our love to death. 
Our days are never coming back. 
I know it’s you that can’t forget. Bang, bang. Shoot, shoot. 
There’s a freight train coming to force your head in check. 
Our love is never coming back.
I know it’s you. I can forget our love forever ending.

There’s a freight train coming to force your head in check. Our love is never coming back.

She’s just like him…

Yo quiero tus tuercas. Me mucho gusto! ;]

We bite and scratch and scream all night! It’s the grooviest thing. It’s the perfect dream.

I adore anything with any degree of antiquity. I just decided that.

I will try to never let you down, that’s for certain, but maybe it’s time I make the same promise to myself.

But I’m good enough for me; apparently I’m not good enough for a lot of other people out there. And that’s stupid because I know I’m good enough and I can’t stand feeling like I’m not.

I don’t think it’s that I don’t feel like I’m good enough… I think it’s that I don’t understand why or how I’m not and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I don’t like feeling lost and helpless.

There’s not another Sarah in here. I didn’t get lost then come back or any bullshit like that. There’s who I was, who I became, and who I am now. That’s that. I wish my mom could accept that this is just who I am. It’s not a mask. I wasn’t lost. I’m not now. I’m not misguided. I make some bad choices. I’m a lot more apathetic towards life than I was before. I tried to let go a little to destress and realized how little I cared, how little I had to care, how little it changed life but how much it did change my stress and happiness levels.

I wish I could explain that without sounding like I think I’m a tough guy and without sounding like I’m being like “I don’t care anything omg apathy and me are so cool”. That’s not it at all. I still care about all the wrong things, but I care about everything less. Yes, I’m happier than ever before, but that might not be why, and I don’t like that I don’t care as much.

Why is it okay to yell at me for being 17 and having gone through this life and not being perfect and fucking up but it’s not okay to say anything negative about my dad? Why is he allowed to be the provider for a family of 5, be 50 years old, and be an unemployed alcoholic but it’s not okay for me to be having a tough year and a rougher time getting my shit straight? Damnit at least I’m making plans and really TRYING. I don’t know why I’m overwhelmed so easily or why it makes me just shut down and not know where to start. I don’t know how to change that but I’m trying damnit. I’m fucking trying. I can’t DO any more than what I can do [if that makes sense].

I know I could technically do more, if you wanna talk quite literally about abilities, but I’m not up for pushing myself over another edge and being insane. I’d rather progress slowly and be happy than get everything done on a deadline and be miserable. If that’s such a crime, fine. So be it.

I’m 17. I don’t have life figured out, no where close. I fuck up a lot and make mistakes. But I’m not a bad person and I’m sick of people thinking I am and treating me like shit.

Fuck you. I deserve so much better than the way I let people treat me most of the time. I really try to be selfless and be there for people and put them ahead of me. But then once in a while I fail to do something or I’m unable to do a favor or something and people get mad? Nah. Fuck that.

I mean, hey, if you wanna look at me and just see my flaws and the mistakes I’ve made and the bad moods I get in sometimes, and just see the negative, go ahead. Judge me.

But no one person is all good or all bad. We both have divinity and evil in us. We all fuck up and we all do great things. People are dynamic. Time for everyone to open their eyes and stop making snap decisions based on one mistake or action of a person. Time for everyone to stop basing the present on the past. Time for everyone to stop trying to change people and to stop thinking no one can ever change.

*sigh* Fuckkkkk meeee. Some days I just wanna punch life in the mouth.

Nothing makes sense logically right now. But reality is so much better than what logically makes sense so I don’t even care. I’m in a complete fog, but it’s intoxicating. As well, Carrie Barnhart only has one myspace blog post and everyone needs to read it. <3

On to today. I woke up with a sore throat and thusly slept most of the day [I got up at 2:46 pm]. My mom was pissed. She’s being a cunt lately though so whatever.

I got to talk to Jake and that was mostly good. Eh… I heard some interesting funny nonsense. I ended up calling J-Delp and texting Connor who called me. We were bored as shit and I thought it was cold out so he ended up just kind of showing up at my house with airsoft nonsense and Mt. Dew which was about the most epic thing that had happened up until then. He made a cat toy too but that was weird.

Then my sister freaked out cause I tried to shoot her with the gun and said something to my mom who gets weird about WATER guns, so of course she didn’t take it well. Then she freaked out at me and said today was a sick day cause I didn’t go to school and basically kicked Connor out. [I told you, she's being a cunt lately.]

So then like an hour later I went to Steph’s. Justin Delp ended up coming over again. He contributed $2 to our cupcake fund for NO APPARENT REASON except unexplainable love then promptly left. So then Connor called me and was like “well it was 1 am and I was bored”. Steph wanted him to come get cupcakes with us but he couldn’t so we went ourselves.

The cupcakes were epic. Ravioli-O’s were made epic by Steph and eaten and yum omfg.

Just… A good day.

April two years ago was good and bad but mostly good. April last year was good and bad but really mostly horribly awful. April this year has been exceptionally epic. I’m like fucking euphoric.

I wish I could bottle this feeling forever. Even though it’s got a little confusion and conflict and some being pissed off and wanting to box up some people and throw them off a bridge into mid-day traffic, it’s still amazing.

As well, all these gorgeous boys keep popping out of the wood work lately. Funnier yet? Most of them play bass. WHY IS THAT?! Jason plays bass. Caleb played bass. Ben the amazing cuteness plays bass. Both the pretty Joseph’s play bass. Dylan plays bass. I know I’m missing someone else… But seriously? What the fuck. -.-

I’m such a sucker for musicians [usually].

As well wtf with my favorite people? They’re almost all aries, geminis, sagitariuses [excuse my lack of proper spelling... I think that's wrong], or cancers. I also have a good friend or two from my neighboring signs though [virgo and scorpio].

I bet that’s why I love April. I’m a libra. October and April are my months. <3

2008 has been so epic so far.

But now I need to go find my cat and go to sleep. Seriously, where the fuck is Isabel?

Grow up, please.

On another note, most epic weekend EVER. Period. I’ma post some pictures I think… in this post even! [Though first I'm getting on myspace, no lie.] I are at Steph’s using her wireless internetz. Pwned.

Plus J-Delpsta[r] came out and bought us Sheetz and hit a rabbit [but the rabbit jumped in front of us frrealz].

Pictures… yes yes yes. [click for full size]

That’s my eye and the tattoo it had. It looks strange in this picture. [eyeliner + the manual setting on my camera that doesn't actually let you adjust things manually = this peculiar nonsense. At least my eye is a pretty color. Kinda matches my hair...]

Carrie, me, Abby, and Sarah. <3 BOTB @ CHS.

These some crunk hoes. I like dem.

Pretty in purple, lovelies.

And that’s how Sarah finished the amaretto.

Erin. :]

Or they can change to full size halfway through… 0.o. But I want dat.

This is Teddy. He’s trying to find his cigs, but I’m hiding dem.

Cory Hahn takes pictures.

She’s sweet as hell. <3 Like forrealz.

Since the pouring rain and soaked trampoline didn’t make me wet enough, Connor sprayed me with the squirty thing on the sink. That was an interesting sleepover.

We’re cute. She’s got Fresca. Ew Fresca. =0

Carrie’s a chink. Justin and I are unobservant.

This was either after Twelfth Night or after AVP2 with Hambone, Caleb, Adam and Heather. IDK.

Cute as shit butterfly.

Cuter than shit shiny peacock.

Animal Farm all up on my tummy. ;]

My mom wakes up in… now. Time to get home. Oops. =0!!!

Oh noes. And I’m still all wet from my shower.

Three years doesn’t feel like forever once they’ve passed. Strange how incredibly much people can change and stay the same, isn’t it?

Thursday night everything was clear. Friday night is when the dust started to kick up and by 8:30 this morning I was lost in a fog, wading in an ocean black as night whose waters revealed no bottom, whose depth was unknown.

It’s like someone took these personalities and traits and ideas and took them away from their original owner and reassigned them. Why is everyone acting so topsy turvy lately?

My mom noticed the brush burn ony my shoulder, not me. I told Connor he shouldn’t drag me.

First and foremost let me just say ow. I fucking hurt. Seriously, my calves, my thights, all of my arms, my wrists are a bit swollen, my poor bruised left ribsies, my back and all those little nonsense wounds from the airsoft guns nevermind the minor concussion I’m assuming I have. Totally worth it though.

Friday night was battle of the bands then Steph’s party which I can’t even begin to describe [mostly because I'm too tired to type it all out]. Me and Carrie went to the diner with Justin and Chelsea then Saturday. Then Amani and then Connor’s house. I stayed at Gibson’s last night. Trampoline and tickling nonsense. And Connor showed me how to play Diablo. Let me just say Warcrack is way better. And Dave has a new car that rocks shit. And people at Wal Mart are retarded.

Remind me to jump on here later and recount specifics. I’m so dead tired and sore atm.

“Do you think he’s like schizophrenic or something?” “No. He’s bipolar. Like definitely. Shows all the classic signs.” “Hmmmm!”

My conversations with Justin Delp are always fun in their own special way.

BATTLE OF THE BANDS IS TONIGHT YOU CRAZY MOFOS AND THEN PARTY PARTY PARTY! HELL YES! I’M FUCKING STOKED AS HELL FOR THIS WEEKEND! FUCKKKKKKK YES!

I’m just a little bit happy.

But fuck this weather. GET HOT AGAIN.

Find me tonight. I’ll be the cute one jumping up and down in a blue tee shirt. And I’ll probably be screaming obscenities or “helpful suggestions”. :]

I’m back.

If wanting the good life is such a crime,
Lord then throw me away! 

It’s funny… People throw around the idea of tossing themselves off of rooftops in sarcasm all the time. But how often does anyone really mean it? How often do they truly think of falling through air and crashing into the ground below?

That kind of pain must be about unbearable… Maybe unbearable isn’t what I mean. Maybe what I mean is that it would just be extreme and probably hard to imagine without having been in some extreme full body pain before.

Sometimes I get news, like today, and it just sends these waves of senseless stress through me. It’s like I can feel the tension building up in my spine and the muscles between my shoulder blades. I don’t feel numb but I do feel like breaking something… Like exerting or experiencing some extreme force to break whatever’s moving in over me.

It’s a different lack of emotion than I was talking about last night. It’s kind of like being in shock but not because whatever triggers it is never unbelievable or horrific. It’s just something like “Sarah, later this afternoon, we need to sit down and have a talk. Okay kiddo?”. I can’t stand that.

That makes me wanna pitch myself off my porch.

I’d survive. It’d hurt like hell. I would regret it. It’s just that feeling…

Boo this week. Be tomorrow night RIGHT NOW plzkthnxbai.

My other computer is still fucked up by the way. Now that it’s in my father’s hands again… Well… Who knows… -.-

I take that back. It’s not a sadness or an emptiness or even a lack of happiness. It’s not even quite a lack. It’s all there, but there’s some key catalyst missing. I don’t know how I feel because for some reason my brain and it’s electrical and chemical components have conspired to go into lockdown and leave me with a void to suck in things and process them logically, but feel nothing.

Were it that life sucked in my eyes I would love this. However as I tend to spend the majority of my time as of late being happy, this is an unwelcome occurence. I feel rather mechanical, inhuman almost, but at the same time not. I don’t feel nothing because I don’t feel the absense of anything. I don’t plain not feel because I know I still have the capacity to.

I can think of scenarios, analyze life at it’s current state, and know exactly how I should or would feel were my feelings not frozen. It’s frustrating.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just tired. Once the weather gets warm time just flies. These past two and a half weeks have actually just been pretty weird. Kind of a haze, a blur of insignificance. Fun things have happened and good times had but it all just seems like a choppy black and white film.

Something is electric. It’s April and this has been the best year ever but I know there’s so much stranger, wilder, better to come. Maybe it’ll just take ejection from this day to day mundane routine, although frequently and usually daily at least interrupted by amazing times had with friends and minor outings like the Springfest nonsense, to jolt me back into myself. I do feel like a shell right now. I need something to help pour me back into myself. Big things are coming…

But this song… I stumbled across the lyrics, though I don’t remember how, freshmen yearish and didn’t download the song till like a year later. Now it’s stuck in my head. It’s a stupid Bright Eyes song I barely listen to anymore, but music is art and feeling. Since it’s stuck in my head which lacks feeling, I will post it. It’s the only shred of anyone’s emotions I’m clinging to right now, even though it’s odd and cynical and I’m feeling far from that.

Mostly, if anything, I’m just sleepy and I can taste ammonia which is strange considering the lack of adderall…

First with your hands and then with your mouth
A downpour of sweat, damp cotton clouds
I was a fool, you were my friend
We made it happen
You took off your clothes, left on the light
You stood there so brave
You used to be shy
Each feature improved, each movement refined and eyes like a showroom
Now they are spreading out the blankets on the beach
That weatherman is a liar
He said it would be raining but it’s clear and blue as far as I can see

Left by the lamp, right next to the bed, 
on a cartoon cat pad she scratched with a pen,
“Everything is as it’s always been. 
This never happened.
Don’t take it too bad it is nothing you did.
It’s just once something dies you can’t make it live.
You’re a beautiful boy.
You’re a sweet little kid but I am a woman.“
So I laid back down and wrapped myself up in the sheet
And I must have looked like a ghost ’cause something frightened me
and since then I’ve been so good at vanishing

Now I do as I please and lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won’t be me
I should probably feel cheap but I just feel free…
and a little bit empty
No, it isn’t so hard to get close to me
There will be no arguments
We will always agree
And I’ll try and be kind when I ask you to leave
We’ll both take it easy
But if you stay too long inside my memory,
I will trap you in a song tied to a melody
and I will keep you there so you can’t bother me

So why has so much sadness suddenly manifested itself among so many of us? And why can we suddenly not identify the cause?

I know it’s gotta be radiating from me lately. It’s strange… There’s no reason at all I should feel down, but somehow the happy just isn’t there right now.

It’ll come back. Maybe it’s just an off week. I don’t know but I don’t like it any better. =/

So firstly, Zach Baldwin-Way is my hero. The music behind Twelfth Night was fabulous. And the play itself? I didn’t know if Hench could top The Tempest but she did, or at the least was on par with it. And Logan hiding behind house plants and Jason being a drunk and Josh in leather and Anna being amazing as usual. Oh my tits. Amazing.

Plus afterwards I got to see… everyone? Nate, Wes, Becca, Kirsten, Thomas, Nick, Ian, Logan, Josh, Jeremy, Michelle, Logan’s little brother, Billy… I don’t even know. Fabulous gaggles of people [who all got taller].

Did I mention I love Springfest? Adore even?

Twist & Shout – Ima Robot
Here Come the Bombs – Ima Robot
Love\’s a Boombox – Ima Robot
Dynomite – Ima Robot
I\’m a Bitch for You – Ima Robot

You’re everything I want. You’re more than that. You’re exactly what I’ve always needed. But you’re so bad, almost illegal even. Dangerous. I could get addicted to you. I could spend my life a slave to your power, falling to my knees, crying out in agony over you. But you make me do what I should. You keep me smiling and dancing. You inspire me. Delivered from divine hands, you course through my veins replacing stagnant blood with life.

You’re perfect. You don’t want me to lose or gain weight. You don’t care if I do my hair or have my eyeliner on just so. You think I’m pretty enough and smart enough. You don’t criticize me. You’re always there when things go wrong ready to send an electrical shock through my fingertips and spine and bring summer back to the snow.

You scrape angst off the edges of my mind like radiation eating away at cancer. You’re the catalyst which causes my ideas to fourish in the dark. You’re the coffee to my caffeine addiction. You could replace anyone, everyone else in my life, and I’m betting I would neither notice nor care.

You make my heart beat faster. I never want to sleep again. I never wanna stop. And that’s exactly why you could be the death of me.

I’m terrified of you. You’re nonchalant view on life is terrifying. While I love you, you love others. You could go out and replace me. You don’t care if I live or die. I know you’re using me, but I suppose that’s okay. I’m kind of only using you too.

Life. Boys. Pills. Alcohol. White lights. Hospital gowns. Daggers. Life. Police. Danger. Flames. Lipgloss. Straight jackets. Sins. Tragedy. Agony. Ecstasy. William Shakespeare. Wrists. Hearts. Eyeliner. Life.

Shut my mind off to the richs on sin. I’m a bitch for you.
Love’s a boomboxpill box. Turn the fader.
You sell it. You buy it. You’re dying to try it.
If you want, you can follow us into rehab.
Sex. Passion. Drugs. Fashion.
D-R-U-G-S leave no one alive.
Give me some lust. Give me some disdain.
What’s happening to me? I’m crazier now than I’ve ever been.
What’s holding you down? Hey!
What’s keeping you on the ground?
I’m floating away! Hey! Hey!
You make me twist and sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shout.
Sharpen my fangs.
Sinking your teeth into my neck.
I could give a fuck.

Ima Robot… Photography… What a weird post… What a weird day… What a weird life.

It’s funny… I just wrote a huge amazing post and ended up making it private.

Life’s a funny thing. Reality changes. People change. Perceptions change. I don’t know. I’m all typed out.

I went to Caleb’s last night. We went out and he got a movie and his random black neighbor drove us to Adam’s where Caleb, Adam, Hambone, Heather and I watched AVP2. Adam and Hambone played some Mario on the Wii too.

That shit’s like one huge acid trip.

I have nothing good to post anymore. A-S-D-F.

Rim rim shallabim mother fuckers.

For the past 3 hours or so this storm has basically been in the same place. Actually, more so, the cell causing the storms today is probably just huge.

Anyways! Whatever’s going on with my other computer [that's right, I come to you again tonight from my laptop which, while I hate in general, I do love typing from] it was making the internet unbearably slow. AIM is working just fine again though.

*sigh* Tomorrow [because today I came home and decided to just do nothing cause I can] I shove a Windows disc in there and run the repair console. If that doesn’t work, we hang my hard drive in the other computer and manually delete this bullshit. I mean damn computer. Don’t be a bitch.

At any rate… The party for Steph at Sarah and Dan May’s was last night. THAT was… interesting? Spin the bottle and 90’s music and that closet and a bonfire and warcraft oh my! We got home and made food and did nothing. We watched SLC Punk. I was not impressed.

Today we woke up and IT WAS FUCKING RAINING. -.- Soo all our tanning and bridge plans were botched. We made food and watched Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

I came home, ate more food, and mostly just hung around my room watching the rain [my room which I cleaned a little bit two days ago and am doing more on tomorrow hell yeahs to me]. Then I watched Mystery Diagnosis on Discovery Health. And now I’m about to get some ice cream and watch Fight Club. :]

By the way, I’ve decided blond boys aren’t absolutely my favorite. Well, not necessarily at any rate. Ditto with the whole liking lanky guys bit. I decided I really like guys with muscular arms and definition of some sort [but not SUPER muscley because that's gross]. But I still like the long hair. But I’ve adjusted…

Like… I don’t know… I just don’t know. Time to get out of Carlisle and meet my soul mate. Whoever he is, I’m guessing he’s not in this town.

….Cough…. On another note though…d

I’m giving you four songs from the limited library on my laptop. One is a Pink Floyd song which I may have posted once before but I don’t care because it’s amazing. The next is a song that is my alternative ring tone [and none of this "omg Anti-Flag sucks go Black Flag" bullshit from ANY of you. I'm entitled to my nonsense, and Black Flag sucks my nuts anyways]. The third is a song by my personal hero Andrew McMahon. It’s not horribly happy but I like it. The last one is, admittedly, a whiney song I haven’t listened to for a few months but I saw it in the folder when I was uploading songs so I included it.

The long thing after the songs is a bulletin Tabitha Michelle Hoffman [my best friend ever] posted on myspace last night entitled “a little message to Sarah Elizabeth Eckrich =]”.

Enjoy.

Childhood\’s End by Pink Floyd
Turncoat – Anti-Flag
I Need You – Andrew McMahon
I Wrote This Song – Making April [lol. It's April now. Knee-slapper.]

Bulletin from Tabitha:

I love you. so much. you just don’t even know. well I’m sure you do, but still.

I really don’t know what I’d do without you, you’re the only friend I have that I never have to second guess.

I KNOW you’re my best friend and you always will be.

I know you’d never be fake to me.

I know you’d never do anything to hurt me.

geez, I’d seriously go insane or die or something without you in my life.

I wish more people were like you, you’re the most amazing person I know.

no one will ever compare to you or even come close to you.

I seriously cannot wait til you come down here, it’ll be the highlight of my year. for serious.

and geez, I SO cannot wait til I move up there.

that will be the high light of my LIFE.

but I miss you so much, it sucks that I work all the time now and I never have time to really talk to you anymore.

it kinda makes me feel bad…just know that if you REALLY need me, I will make time for you.

even if its 3 AM and I have to get up at 7 to get ready for work, I’ll stay up and try to help in any way I can.

you’re my best friend forever and always.

I love you more than life.
<3
=]

Another song which spawned a screen name long long ago [The Rx is wrong which came from the song Destination Anywhere by Sugarcult].

Tonight I go spend the night with my Zbeth Anne and her boyfriend and his sister and whoever is at this chick’s party. Not to mention a bonfire. I will be making videos and taking pictures out that ass. I’m excited. I’m such a party child. F’serious. And Sunday when I come home my amazing baby sister shall have things for me to possess. Squeee yay and such.

Now I must go discuss some shady business matters with family members. 0.o

I WAS RAISED BY SUCH WARPED PEOPLE! =0

There’s some sort of nasty malware in the registry of my computer that I’m having a bitch of a time getting rid of. All my peer to peer nonsense [like limewire] opens itself. My computer clicks [that's part of my anti-virus software though soo I shouldn't complain]. And I mean everything runs fine still, or it DID, till today when AIM didn’t open and I was like WHAT THE FUCK and now I am very pissed. And to think, this all started because I broke paint shop pro losing the palette or something. -.-

Plus I fell asleep last night waiting for people while this scan was going on and I had disconnected the internet. And just, well, tits. This bites.

But c’est la vie. It’ll all work itself out. And if not, Jason’s due over here sometime in the next few nights [I think] and I’ll ask him to look at it.

Or maybe I’ll just hit my operating system with a screw driver.

Ahhh I wish more people got that. =’(

At any rate, time to take a shower, eat more brownies, sketch some nonsense, maybe play a little warcrack… Who knows?

TGIF TGIF TGIF OMG ONE ONE ONE ONE [I love my life. And I love me.]

because this guy did it better than The Beatles