felix's daily adventures

I guess they say that when you stop fighting it, time really is on your side. I don’t know that I can believe that though.

Despite my mom trying to be sunny about it, I’ve seen my grandfather in the hospital and truth be told I can’t say I know that he’s coming home this time. I don’t. For the first time in my life, I’m unsure that he’ll come back. That’s why I’ve been living here in the living room.

As far as knowing things will be okay, I think it’s mostly because that’s just how I’ve chosen to live now, believing the best of situations and of life. Yet here I sit, in front of my laptop, next to my cat, two phones, remote, notebook, pen and pscyhology book, on the floor, thoughtful as hell about everything.

Why do I suddenly feel so small and out of control again? Is it because the evening is at hand, I can’t reach some of my best friends, and one of them has betrayed me? Is it because that’s made me a bit more pessimistic this evening and made me jump off the denial train? I’m assuming so. For now at least…

It’s a bizarre feeling… I know how things should be, I know what I should do, but I’m suddenly having trouble doing it again. I was doing well, better than well. Doing what I should was just coming naturally. I felt good. Alive. Genuine. All month. But for the past week and half or so everything’s just felt like it’s falling apart. I truly hate that feeling.

I’m not depressed. I’m not upset. I’m trying to be hopeful and I know things will be okay, and yet it still doesn’t make me feel any better. I can’t help thinking about how my relationship with my mom is. Can’t help but think of the broken friendship I’m dealing with at the moment. Having trouble dealing with just how human some people are that I held in such high regard for so long and how people I looked down on have risen up.

I’ve felt lately like my dad was out to ruin my life. Projection? Maybe. Because he’s had over a year since he was laid off and his life is still in shambles. I hit a wall, struggled, and overcame [is that even a fucking word? I'm tired...]. And I still am. Jealously? I don’t know. Paranoia I thought, so I talked to my mom about it. All she could say to me was “I’m sorry your dad is unleashing all of his hate on you and I’m sorry he’s trying to make your life more difficult. I wish you didn’t have to deal with it.” My mom says this. Because she’s not my parent too and has no say in my life and no ability to challenge anything my dad says or ignore him when he plays puppet master during our fights.

My family is not a family. We are related by blood and bonded by love. Beyond that, we are dysfunctional. We are not a unit. We all do our own thing. I hate it. I can’t change it. In times of family crisis especially, just how much we are all not unified shows. Like my grandfather going into the hospital and me finding out in Philly from my little sister’s youth leader and my sister initially thinking nothing was wrong, or telling me that, and me later finding out she witnessed him having a seizure and my mom calling 911. Or my mom not giving my the number to reach my baby sister after her accident.

Everything was going so good… Why do I feel like it’s so wrong lately?

For some reason even though my luck’s been down lately and it’s supposed to be tough going for a while yet, I feel like things are going to get a lot better again. I’ve been in a bit of a rut, thinking more than doing and things being unhappy, like my sister’s accident and my grandpa being in the hospital [he might come back as early as next Monday though which is good because he had a series of grand mal siezures and a stroke].

I don’t know… Isabel isn’t acting weird suddenly and I have good friends and just a good feeling. Logically, everything in my head I think may be unlikely and such, but I don’t know. I feel like things are just going to get okay, even though I thought I knew that before too and it’s been wrong?

I haven’t blogged much lately. I’ve been extremely busy. Good things, bad things, mostly being out of the house with friends things. I don’t knowwwwww. And now noises.

I guess I don’t really have super significant things to say because I’ve said them all to people already. That or they’re personal and really I just don’t feel like the world needs my “significance”. Maybe it’s just a warm weather thing. I’d love to have the urge to cram my “infinite wisdom” down everyone’s throats via blog posts, but I just don’t anymore. Everything I care about right now has no place here in the public eye [I have actually written a handful of private posts because I don't care to forget ANYTHING but not as much as I should've definitely].

I wish I could write freely, but I can’t. Big things are happening though. Count on it. =]

&& the way the sunlight plays upon her hair♥

hazelnut cappuccino [starbucks on the interstate]

i can see that you got other plans for tonight, but i don’t really care

But really, could you ever love a face like this?

While in Philly today with Justin I got a call telling me my grandfather had been taken to the hospital. I wasn’t too worried until we were leaving and the youth director from my sister’s church, Micki, called me and said my mom needed me to come home and to the hospital. Long story short my grandfather had a series of seizures and no one knows why and now he’s in the ICU. Fucking great.

I hate to be negative… I really do. But the past two weeks have been nearly insufferable thus far. Amazing things but really terrible things too…

The bus accident on route 15 today? My sister was in it. My mom called me while I was in Justin Delp’s bathroom having my hair styled and straightened. She told me the bus flipped. She didn’t know much else. She wouldn’t give me the number to contact Amy. The afternoon was fucked up. Once in Linglestown after the second time my mom called we almost all went to the Gettysburgh Hospital to pick her up but then we didn’t. Rather, I went to Connor’s and cried all over him. He comforted me. Hells bells I even called Jason bawling. He was really concerned too both for my well being and my sister’s.

Thank God the dramatics of tonight are over. Tomorrow, Amy is staying home with me. YES.

Thought I would share with you some of the music that makes my car rides a little more fun, my school work a little easier to bear, and life a little more colorful. Enjoy lovelies.

Cartel – Wonderwall
Gym Class Heroes – Good Vibrations
The Veronicas – 4ever <3
Guster – Amsterdam <3
Metro Station – Kelsey
My American Heart – California Love<3
Royskopp – Remind Me
Taylor Swift – Our Song
The Kooks – She Moves in Her Own Way<3
I Monster – Daydream in Blue
The Kaiser Chiefs – Ruby<3
Say Anything – People Like You Are Why People Like Me Exist 

Go ahead and sparkle, even if it hurts.
Oh I’ll sparkle, but I don’t hurt anymore.

PS: The world is wavy and blurry. I can’t stop smiling. I feel very peaceful and very connected.
However, I almost threw up on my way out of the diner. Motion isn’t such a good thing right now.
As well, I find myself a bit itchy and fairly restless. By fairly, I mean EXTREMELY so.
I think I’ll just sit here and listen to music… =] (That’s more of a sheepish cute smile IRL.)
Justin Delp agrees with me on this one; Erin Gibson is a BAMF and a hero among [wo]men.

AND, last, and possibly least but I don’t care, pictures from last night.
[Yes, they are silly as hell and not so good but I do not fucking careee!] 

Yes, I am learning to rock my hair cut. I think I like it better UNSTYLED. Score.

Blurry. Me in the parking lot of Giant in M-burg waiting for Justin to come back. LEOPOLD! I fucking adore Justin Delp’s care with all of my little being. PS I look hot in green.

Myspace face. Terrible picture. But it’s adds some sort of sad humor to life.

Tonight was perfect in every way imaginable. Well, probably not. Probably not the best time EVER either. But it feels that way. I woke up at 8:30 PM. I called people. Ended up out on a drive with Justin Delp [what else is new?]. He bought me Sheetz and an energy drink. We picked up Erin Gibson and drove around. Then he had to run home quick and pretend  to be home so I chilled in his car in his driveway for about 15 minutes. Then we ran to Wal Mart to see Cory and his friend Chris. Then we drove around for another 20 minutes. We had been supposed to go back to Erin’s but she said she was gonna sleep.

So Connor texted me to find out if we were coming over so we ended up going over anyways to see a movie. Then Erin was still awake. After like, almost an hour, Connor, Erin, Justin, Brady [the Gibson's amazing dog] and I went to Giant for drinks. Then Erin wanted to drive the BMW around so we drove for like 2 and a half hours. Justin let me ride out the sun roof again and Connor decided to join me so we did that and froze to death. We played music and talked and it was great.

Unfortunately when we got back Connor and Erin’s madre was pretty pissed so Justin and I took off. We went to the diner briefly. But then I felt REALLY bad suddenly and went to sit in the car while Justin paid for our sodas. He came back out and we drove around for another hour and like 15 minutes. We got more drinks at Giant in Mechanicsburg. Eventually we turned the music off ENTIRELY because we were just talking about life.

Which reminds me that I talked for 5 hours on the phone with Lauren last night about life as well. Lauren and Justin and Connor are 3 of my favorite people to just talk about life with. Lauren and Justin are two people I also trust highly. And seriously, Justin is someone I completely trust with anything no matter what. I’m glad I’ve been friends with him for so long.

And now song lyrics because this song is quite good. It’s called Amsterdam by a band called Guster.
[And after this I lay down for two hours before starting a day of errand running, school work, and hanging out later with Justin and supposedly Erin again. Life... 2008... Everything... I'm just so calm and far beyond happy right now. Serene. Peaceful. Wavy. Connected. Free.]

I threw away your greatest hits
You left them here the day you split
Your bass guitar and shaggs CD
Well they don’t mean that much to me right now
I’m going through your things
These days, I’m changing all my strings
I’m gonna write you a letter
I’m gonna write you a book
I wanna see your reaction
I wanna see how it looks
From way up on your cloud
Where you’ve been hiding out
Are you getting somewhere?
Or did you get lost in Amsterdam?
You won’t get too far from me
believing everything you read
You’re wasted in the great unknown
and I am getting ready to dispose
of all your vintage clothes
Your drugs and every secret code
I’m gonna write you a letter
I’m gonna write you a book
I wanna see your reaction
I wanna see how it looks
From way up on your cloud
Where you’ve been hiding out
Are you getting somewhere?
Or did you get lost in Amsterdam?
From your red balloon you were
a super high tech jet fighter
Floating over planet earth
Come back down here, I’ll show you where it hurts
Take this bitter pill
Is it easy to swallow?
I’m gonna write you a letter
I’m gonna write you a book
I wanna see your reaction
I wanna see how it looks
From way up on your cloud
You’re never coming down
Are you getting somewhere?
Or did you get lost in Amsterdam?

Love The Shins. Love other music. Gonna make a list of stuff I need to download on here because I’m not home. I am at Carrie’s on her computer because people who aren’t me require more than several hours of sleep per every few days… -.-

Metro Station
RX Bandits
Amsterdam – Guster
Stokholm Syndrome – Yo La Tengo
Name No. 5 – Elliott Smith
Cary Brothers
She Moves in Her Own Way – The Kooks

It might be raining, but I see nothing but blue skies today. :]
The Shins are really quite an amazing band. I rather adore them.
I don’t care how 12 years old it is; I’m super excited for tonight.
[Yes, I am going skating over going to prom and I couldn't be happier.]
I feel kind of bad for telling Connor I’d come wake him up then falling asleep.
On the other hand, that’s what I did the last 2 times I was supposed to wake him up too…
I think it’s cute when people try to get to me. The only people that insult me:
A: want some form of attention or are doing so for ulterior motives
B: are fundamentally just Caleb or Connor [or Ryan sometimes] and just fuck with me because we’re friends.

I don’t think this has a point really. I think I’m excited to go skating and I’m excited about life and I love my friends [although I am pretty sure I pissed Caleb off last night... but if I apologize, he'll get over it]. I love how people who I didn’t get along with or wouldn’t have in the past have changed and I have changed in the past year or more in such a manner that we are friends now [like Liz, Steph, Caleb, Connor, possibly more?].

I also like the control I have over my state of mind. I love that things don’t bother me anymore and if they do it’s never for more than 15 minutes to half an hour. I love that I can rationalize things and pull forward with life. I love that I  can understand it when my friends bitch about their lives and how nothing good is going on and how stressed they are and how I can empathize but how I can also honestly say that that isn’t how I feel anymore and it’s not how I live my life.

Being out of school in some respects has been harder than being in school. The schoolwork itself is incredibly different and it’s been much harder for me to keep a normal schedule [except when I was allowed to be nocturnal because then I was always awake and then asleep at the same times]. However, I don’t regret any of it because  for the first time in my life I can look back at the past six months [I've been out of school for 6 months and 1 day by the way] and honestly say that I’ve been happy instead of miserable.

I mean of course I’ve had good days and bad days but no one’s life is perfect. The fact that even when I had spells of bad times, the fact that I just remember everything as good, it means the world to me.

I’m not miserable anymore.
It’s the best feeling in the fucking world.

Why am I going to stay up another night in a row? Why am I going to clean and get my school work done by like 9:15 am? Why?

“You should come wake me up.”

Once again with the walking across town in the rain.
Why? I’m not sure. But it’s better than being here I think…

A little taste of ‘08. Parties. Friends. People literally ROFL-ing. Amazing?
I hope it provides you some mild form of amusement, but then again, if it doesn’t, I really don’t care.
Oh, and by the way, hitting that little button with the arrows pointing outwards from the corners? Yes, the one that makes the video run in a larger player which, yes, will come up as a pop up God forbid… Well it’s a good button to click on.

from about:Tabs posted with vodpod

Kaiser Chiefs – Ruby [just fucking epic and catchy]
Head Automatica – Beating Heart Baby [recently made a come back, but it's old]
Flogging Molly – Rebels of the Sacred Heart [it's no Shipping Up to Boston, but it's not the Dropkick Murphys either soo...]
AFI – The Leaving Song [a slight taste of emo OMG YOU MIGHT DIE]
Savage – Swing [spring '08 anthem]
I Monster – Daydream in Blue  [yes, from the AT&T commercials. heck yes]

“Hey… We’re going to Ohio. With baseball bats.”
Bitches shouldn’t steal Steph Ronzio’s clothes.
She’s about to track a bitch down and get ‘er.

Go, Steph Norbert, go!

We had shitty ass days. But then we went to Billy Martin’s house and he’s sweet and ticklish. Then we went and visited James McNatt at his work for like 2 and a half hours [and I took part of his car with me]. Then Billy “Ballin’” [not Boyd] Bollinger came in. Then pizza. Then home home home.

Thursdays rock my cock.

AND I get to open a bank account without my parents’ names on it or them having access to it. I’m not telling them till after I do it. I’m fucking excited as HELL!

Jimmy McNiggy rocks my cock too.

Tomorrow is a new day. I kind of got most of the way over my icster feelings and someone said to me “yeah well you’ll get back to the way you were soon enough so just don’t worry” and that’s totally true. Today was an off day. It was JUST an off day. It was just more off than most of my other off days generally speaking.

Little Carrie is coming over tomorrow. Life will right itself once again. June and July will be epic. I feeeeeel it.

I hate the month of May. What a fail month [except May 24 =D ].

I woke up today for the first time in months depressed and feeling exceptionally hopeless about life in general. A day when I’d like to drink myself into oblivion, but rather will do my school work and then sit here because the schedule on which I must do school work is in direct conflict with school for Steph.

Lovely. Peachy. I really hate everything today. I won’t lie.

“I think he kinda wanted my nuts…
“No. Really? Three things…”
“Well I’m kind of oblivious to people wanting my nuts…”
“Okay then I have FOUR things to tell you.”
“Okay. Shoot.”
“One: You have no nuts. Two: A lot of people want your nuts.”
“That I don’t have apparently.”
“Three: You are oblivious to this. Even though I believe I even used the phrase “I want to stick my penis in you but not that badly” on the drive up. Four: Hambone said to me tonight “I believe he’s taken a shining to the little one”.”

Oh lawl. Parties at Adam’s. And Ryan. Ryan is my favorite. But today Connor takes the cake for being my hero…
“Well, the first thing I ever wanted to be was a priest.”

LAWL. Where have I heard that before?

I feel bipolar today. My environment was bipolar today. I wore far too much eye liner today. Today I did what I do everyday; had a day basically free from anything problematic and ended up sitting up late wishing I was talking to people because for no apparent I’m in a bad mood.

Fuck this.

Except, oh yeah, it kinda sorta does. Today it’s gorgeous out and my mother decides to take her bad morning out on me. She also came to wake me up telling me it was 4:30 in the afternoon. It was 9:45. Apparently waking up at 9 or 10 in the morning being okay actually means I should really be up before 9 and if not 9 at the latest or I’m going to hell.

Four hours of school work? How about four hours of shut the fuck up bitch.

God damnit… I’m in one of those moods today. Stay out of my way. It’s for your own good.
[I'm obviously not going to physically or purposefully hurt you, but never the less...]

Sometimes you’re just not okay.

I have a low tolerance for bullshit. That’s what that was all about.

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Fuck I’m in a fog… Oh sheesh…

There is nothing I need
except the function to breathe
But I’m not really fussed
Doesn’t matter to me

Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby
Do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya
Now why ya do it, do it, to me
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby

Due to lack of interest
Tomorrow is canceled
Let the clocks be reset
And the pendulums held

Cause there’s nothing at all
Except the space in-between
Finding out what you’re called
And repeating your name

Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby
Do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya
Now why ya do it, do it, to me
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby

Could it be, could it be
That you’re joking with me
And you don’t really see you and me?

No woman no cry. :]

Oh you know it, bby.
I’ve never been happier. 

Pizza. Half black olives, half onions, all extra cheese and mushrooms. 128 B Street. Shallow Hal. Russel Stover truffles. Vitamin water. Driving a BMW illegally in the rain at 2 am [while listening to Something Corporate and the soothing voice and melodies of one Andrew McMahon]. Pseudo yoga in a freshly light blue painted room on a ridiculously velvet smooth L couch. Texting random strangers at 3:00 am. Adorable boys on facebook. Stalking and roofies. Drummers singing My American Heart. Ridiculous 40 degree weather in May with rain. Ex-boyfriends who have sisters that I adore. Beat up Chevys that are for the win. Notebooks with polaroid photographs of last year. Pen doodles. Elegant corpse [or whatever the fuck that amazing game was]. Red Hot Chili Peppers at 6:09 AM. Singing along [badly] to music that only I can hear [headphones]. Promises of nicer weather and New Jersey. Being an artist. The Carlisle Diner. My life in the year 2008.

I couldn’t ask for anything more than this perfection.