I don’t know what to do anymore. I spend my Saturday night crying, then getting better, going out with the girls, only to spend the rest of the night with someone I care for deeply with alcohol poisoning puking half in a bucket, half on me, and asking me what the fuck I wanted every time I tried to rouse him from an unconscious state. They wanted to leave him asleep on his back before he’d had a chance to puke so I made two of his friends help me sit him up and get him to puke and later another one to help me flip him on his side in case he puked again in his sleep.

My heart was broken. Not only by that action but that we’d been in a fight before I’d seen him like that and because of allegations that he’d kissed another girl when I wasn’t there. That’s still something no one is sure of. After promising me he wouldn’t get drunk and flirt with other girls, it’s something that still makes me tear up and get sick at my stomach to think about.

The next morning when I finally heard from him, it wasn’t a remorseful apologetic person who felt bad he may have kissed another girl and over what he did. Rather, it was anger. Through me crying and choking and gasping for air, there was anger. That possibly hurt more than anything else. There was also the wondering over whether or not to work things out.

As far as I know most of the misdirected still drunk anger has been set aside, but the debate about pushing on with things is still hanging in the air, and not on my end of things.

However in a twist of events over the course of typing this, said person is on his way here, so I guess it’s time to go prepare for the worst.

Yes, in the recent year or so passed I have much neglected this blog with the exception of times with Dave on his laptop when typing was more comfortable than curling up awkwardly on my bed with my desktop’s keyboard. By the way, why do I use my right pinky when typing but I always have my left one up? Awkward? Who cares.

As one may predict, I have my own laptop again. A toshiba this time. So far the satellite is kicking my old inspiron’s ass.

I don’t have much to say now… Probably won’t for a while. But I’d like to get back into the habit of blogging. Mostly as a a means of getting rid of all the awkward things piled up around my brain. There’s a lot of clutter to get out but I have two papers and college apps and personalizing of this laptop and cleaning and ten hundred other things to do first. It’s pretty bad how much work is piling up around me and how much keeps getting put off.

I don’t wanna think about it.

I can’t help but notice, well, a lot of things. Most of which I’ve noticed before but which now I feel like writing about because I feel like I should be writing and it’s my blog and I can do what I want with it free from feeling like I have to write well or cohesively. It’s for me. Not for the masses. [Although, let's face it, I DO love people reading my blogs and writings. Even when they're stupid I like feeling like I've somehow influenced someone or become a source they could somehow relate to or even just someone they could suddenly look at and think "well... things could be worse. I could be Sarah".]

First off I don’t understand girls who continuously date douche bags or who feel incomplete outside of a relationship. You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. I don’t care who you are. If you can’t accept who you are at your core and what not, then no, so-and-so isn’t your life and your heart. They’re just a vice to prove to yourself that you’re not as bad as you feel. I’m not saying that’s a terrible thing because I think most of us end up doing/feeling that at some point but you have to learn from it and learn to be comfortable on your own. If me and and Dylan broke up it would suck but not because I was single. [I know what I mean...]

Next, I would like to spend some time maybe not away from Pennsylvania but away from the area and most of the people. I would like a clean slate. A fresh start. Something new. I would really like to visit Alex this summer. Even if it’s only for a few days or a week or whatever it’d be nice to get away. Plus I know I’d miss the shit out of everyone and life back home so maybe then when I came back I wouldn’t be so full of loathing for my toxic home environment I spend so much time bitching about.

If I wasn’t so much of a homesick pussy I’d probably wait til next school year and peace out for a year to start over in Nebraska. If I wasn’t terrified of not being able to come back or losing people here. I would miss a lot of people. I would miss Dylan. I guess I have a definite plan for if we break up. Ahaha… -.-

Next order of business. I never fail to be shocked at the amount of crazy insane girly paranoid shit I can tell Dylan. I always almost have to hold my breath and I always anticipate something about not being so serious about things cause we’re young or about not being worried or something. And I always get told I’m cute or I’m human or whatever I said wasn’t weird. Everything I went through the past few years feeling like I had once been insane for I’m suddenly being told is okay. Not only is it all okay. Oh no. Apparently I’m some super cool super human awesome chick or something.

So all the time I spent sitting around beating up on myself or feeling like I was slipping and wasn’t half as good as I used to be… Nope. Apparently there’s someone out there I still impress despite my tendency to not be in school and the state of my grades right now and my tendency to shirk responsibilities and how I had no job for, like, EVER in large part out of sheer stubbornness.

Like that all wasn’t enough. I mean there certainly exist other people out there who think I’m pretty awesome in spite of my bold and glaring flaws. But Dylan is kind of like the coolest person ever in my eyes. He’s stupid smart and good at art things and mathy science things. He’s responsible and funny and selfless and amazing and he thinks all those good things about ME. I don’t know that I’ll ever FULLY wrap my head around that one…

I always wanted to be the cool girl friend. I wanted to be the girl who dated a guy and his friends would just say or think or whatever it boys do damn, I wish that was my girlfriend or I wish my girl friend was like that. When I thought that was what I was the first time around I couldn’t have been further from the truth [probably literally].

But now things are different. I kind of feel silly with every pang of jealousy I get, no matter how small, but if I bring it up I’m never ostracized for it. It’s normal. Sometimes I snap too or get bitchy but there are always apologies floating around and Dylan and I are both people who are good at seeing from both sides of the fence. Not to mention I actually know Dylan loves me. There aren’t doubts there. I know he’d never try to hurt me. We’re both just human.

I keep stopping writing for long periods of time. Between the end of that paragraph and this a good 15 minutes at LEAST has elapsed.

This whole post seems pointless now. I’ve suddenly lost my love for it.

At the same time something somewhere just made me smile and I’m pretty sure that completely halted whatever was trying to make my motivation melt back into non-existence…

I’m too scattered right now. It’s like 6:40 am. A year ago shit was super fucked and I thought it was all just dandy. Now for as much stress and bullshit as there can be I know I’m on the right path with things with options spread out at my feet once again.

So I got set back a year. Maybe everyone else is just being thrown into life prematurely.

Suck my dick society.

Self righteous self sacrifice scares some people. Everyone’s got a loud enough mouth when there are no consequences but perhaps true merit of character is shown when there ARE serious reactions for the action of speaking out.

Anyone can give any topic some good lip service and talk smack like they’re gonna do shit. If you’re gonna talk, I say back it up. And I don’t mean if you’re gonna insult someone blahblah petty teenage bullshit. I mean if you feel strongly or passionately about something don’t let anyone insult or beat that down. Stand up for your convictions if you have to. Stop being such cowards.

I might get a black eye today defending my mom. Maybe nothing. Who knows? All I know is that my alcoholic depressed father’s been a belligerent idiot all day and making my mom cry when she’s done nothing [and if you know me you know my mom pisses me off a lot and deserves the truth and yelled at sometimes but none of these]. I’ve gotten threats. Apparently legally being an adult means he can raise a hand to me again.

Well let him. I’m not afraid of his threats. His insults and comparing me to my perfect sisters doesn’t really bother me too much anymore. Okay so that’s not true. At all [says the girl who starts crying and realizes it DOES bother her...]. But I’m not afraid of HIM. He doesn’t scare me and I’ll be damned if anyone’s ever gonna intimidate me into not standing up for what I believe in and for the people I love. Maybe I’m brave or maybe I’m just a fool. But I’m a passionate little whatever I am and I’m not backing down.

Life is good. I guess that’s why feeling stressed out or down doesn’t make sense to me right now. Or it didn’t until I stopped picking things apart, dissecting, blaming different general reasons. It was all a lot more simple than that.

Ponder, for a moment, the phrase “creature of habit”. It conjures up all different things for different people. For some people it’s an image of stuffy boring people locked in to schedules and fixed lives day in and day out. For me, it’s… Well it’s me.

I need SOME structure in my life. [Not need but I don't feel like I'm accomplishing much without some format there.] But I also need freedom. At the same time I like patterns but not exact patterns. More like scatter plots. I am happiest when my life is a scatter plot. I can find my line of best fit and trust that most things will coast along side it without too much deviation, but at the same time constantly changing its position on the graph, moving up or down and left or right. [Analogies...]

Lately things in my life aren’t scatter plotting correctly. They’re not even sine curving or parabola-ing. I’m not even sure that they’re on my part of the graph anymore. Things are shooting off in to infinity.

A lot of it is good. Good ideas. New plans like for our backyard patio, putting a pond in to my garden, building forts, road trips, and getting things done. Other stuff is getting better. And some of it isn’t good. Yin and yang. Good and evil. Light and dark. Balance. Moving on…

Despite the good out-weighing the evil [I haven't given it any extensive thought yet but I'm fairly certain the good things are out-numbering the bad by a fair amount] it’s still a lot of changes. Change is the only constant in life which, I think, if part of why I like when little things are constantly re-tweaking themselves in tiny ways few other people notice. But when big things come, even if they’re good things, they feel overwhelming. I start to feel like I’m spiraling out of control and I’ll never get anything done which makes it a lot harder to start.

I feel out of balance. I’m a libra, a scale. If you don’t believe in astrology, that’s fine, but it doesn’t change the fact that I seek balance in my life [even though that balance isn't necessarily a 50-50 split or along the same contrasting lines as for other people, like work and play are]. All the changing stuff leaves me grasping on to the fragments of unchanged things or of the past and choking the life out of it.

It’s hard for me not to fixated a little and obsess a little and fret and fuss right now. This used to be how I lived day to day anyways back when I was a high strung angst monster. Now I’m laid back and I’ve changed a lot but this… I don’t know. The way things are now is new in its own rite.

I feel like I’ve lost my anchor. I’m having trouble finding something to hold on to. The things I think I do have increasingly feel like they’re slipping away and so I’m sitting around with ridiculous hopes and expectations and reaching out for reassurance that these things I depend on and that I think I know are true aren’t going to leave.

O ye of little faith. I know. I have no business questioning half of what my mind has been on their respective levels.

I guess everyone… No. I guess I like having reassurance once in a while. I like hearing things are the way I perceive them. I like being told it’s gonna be okay [but only when the person saying it means it... I don't like lies].

Maybe that’s why I’m flakey lately one minute and then overly girly and clingy and odd the next. Callous defense mechanism to reaching out in the most estrogen driven, annoying and destructive of ways. I don’t wanna do that and lose what I have. That’s how stuff like that happens. At the same time I’m finding it hard to let go and just keep faith in these things I think I know.

I’m trying though and constantly reminding myself of the little good things that can’t be wrong like the fact that is IS spring, or the fact that my crocuses are poking their heads up through the dead grass.

Maybe most other things are sort of sketchy and unknown. Stuff that felt certain, emotions, people… It’s all starting to feel foreign and strange and wrong. The cynical part of my brain is trying to insert itself there and cut me off from depending on anyone or anything I know and the conscious part is reaching out to everyone to hold on to bonds my inner cynacist [too bad that's not a real word] won’t be able to break through.

It sounds crazy and schitzy and maybe, just maybe, it is. On the other hand maybe I’m not the only person who feels like that.

Nothing little is over rated. It’s that whole “no act of kindness, no matter how small, goes unnoticed” thing coming in to play.

I don’t know about the rest of the human race but most of my favorite memories or happiest little moments were just small things. Little cutesy considerate things. The kind of things that no one ever thinks twice about. They make all the difference. Thoughtful stuff.

I’m one to talk about any of that considering how thoughtless I’ve felt off and on lately. And probably been too. So maybe little things only mean anything to me. But sometimes those are the only things I’ve got to hold on to in my head and in my heart when things like spring and the flowers just aren’t quite enough.

That’s often bitter sweet but it’s getting better every day. Eventually this will all settle out into a pattern again. Spring is here. The circumstances of my life are better than they have been for a long time in the ways most important to me. Sooner or later all of that has to pan back out into that constant puddle of obnoxious joy my life was before.

Even my optimism sounds forced.

I just want a better handle on what’s real, and on who’s real, and on what’s here, and on what I can count on.

Truth be told, I think you’re too sane and oriented for me.

I’m not going to tell you this though. Someday when I’ve fazed you out, maybe you’ll get the picture. But you’ll probably just think I’m a bitch.

That’s okay. I am.

Hate can spurn from about two hundred gagillion different things. One of them is jealousy. I know plenty of people who don’t like me. In many cases it’s just because I’m this random weird outspoken hippie chick with a blatant disregard for all things conventional. In most other cases it’s minor dislike often in acquaintances or casual friends. It is in those cases that it comes from jealousy.

It’s with good reason though. I’m not artificially pretty. I actually have good looks. You know the kind I mean… Skinny but with hips and a figure. Tan skin. Dark hair and eyes. Good bone structure. Adorable little smile dimples. Everything I do is basically, like, the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. You can’t see me and think “ew” [well... maybe if I'm in rare form... emphasis on rare]. And if you look on with contempt and disgust… Hello green monster of envy. How nice of you to join us!

Moving on. I’m smart. Not like oh-my-God-I-can-spell-most-words-correctly-without-MSWord-correcting-me smart but like I’m basically a genius smart. Yes I have altered and fried my brains a lot but guess what fuckers? Studies show brain cells DO regenerate. Suck on that one critics and skeptics of the world. I can’t be stopped even by my own poor decisions and chemical bodily warfare. I’m invincible. [I've probably just jinxed myself...]

I’m fun. Yes I swear and bitch and I’m sarcastic and make no mistake, I WILL beat up on you. I don’t care who you are. I will pick, fuss, scrap, slap, whatever. It’s in my blood. But when it comes down to it I’m almost always a good fucking time. I don’t care if you’re laughing with me or at me, you’re gonna be smiling. Everything about me screams little and cute and people are attracted to that. Oh yeah. I’ve got charisma and spunk built in with my appearance. I don’t even have to have a good personality.

And yet I do. A great one. A magnificent one. Bueno mucho blah blah awesome excellent. Fucking amazing. There is a reason I have Jesus status. The bad things about me are pretty much limited to PMS, SAD, laziness and infrequent co-dependent tendencies. Beyond that, nope. I’ve even managed to beat that little bastard fondly known as bipolar disorder [cyclothymia but no one knows what that is] into the ground sans drugs. You try doing that. For 18 years. You tell me how easy it is kay? [It's not. I'm really JUST THAT win.]

I took SATs today and was surprised by how easy they were. But now it’s midnight and I can’t sleep and I smell like cigarette smoke and to be 100% honest it’s simply too cold to go out walking. The only real stress on my mind is that I would like to have a job [hmm... well what the fuck else is new?]. That’s not ENTIRELY true…

But I really feel like I’m slowly digging in to the dirt and finding the roots of Sarah again. Just like my damn crocuses… Sun comes out. Temperatures spike up. BAM! Sarah’s back in action baby.

I have survived another turbulent and angst filled winter in cold as balls Pennsylvania. I’ve even held on to this new relationship through it all. [I hate being involved in winter. I'm always bitter, depressed, clingy and moody. It really makes keeping things from crashing and burning a challenge where, normally, I do nothing but exist and carry about life as usual.]

Might have something to do with actually being in love again. Who knows? I know I see a pattern developing and it’s the same one that wove itself into the fabric of my life before. But it started differently and the variables aren’t the same. Hopefully it doesn’t end in the same stitch. Que sera sera. Everything happens for a reason. For now, I’m not worrying about it. I’m simply hoping that with groundations coming to a close, spring arriving, and boy having fun adventures with his buds to look forward to, well, both of us can be in better moods. All of this off and on moody stuff is really getting old. So is the weather.

And the fact that all of our visits for the past, like, month and a week have been limited to laying around or sitting in cars for short bursts of time doesn’t help. Relationships can’t live in that sort of boring stale environment. Especially this one. It’s based around freaky coincidences, hate, love, and largely random trips and adventures and what not. We do random things. They’re always completely stupid and always completely fun [but I'm pretty damn sure only to us...]. This laying around being stuck thing is boring and corrosive.

Three more days til groundation termination. Cross your fingers and toes. Six days til spring. 55 more days of school.

Summer days, drunken nights, and one red couch in a basement nearly twenty miles from here. [And a kiddy pool. That's kind of the most important part. And the fort too. Yeah...] The first three months of any year don’t count to me. The mood and tone are set come April. Why? I don’t know but it seems to be more of an apex in the advance of years than any New Year’s Eve ever is. This year April will be good. I know there will be a time or two that will make me cringe or crumple my face in disgust and/or aggravation but over all I can’t see anything but blue skies and smiles ahead [especially with the travesties of the past 2 and half months at its back in contrast].

I can feel the uneven spots in my shirt sleeve where it had to be mended. It’s just as pressing, annoying, crushing, and distracting and the obvious tension and unrest growing in the air. Cut it with a knife or poke it with your mental finger of curiosity. To some sense, it’s tangible. Guaranteed. But yin and yang. The world balances itself out. The rest of the year isn’t capable of being anything but orgasmic. I can’t quite say how yet, and even I have become a skeptic, but I still have faith that one way or another, it’ll come through for me.

Time will tell. Until then, we wait it out with synthetic good-times and lots of sex to pass the time. Wait… Did I just recap 2009 up until now in two actions? Hmm… Theory.

This is a response I got to the blog I posted on January 17th.

“this is fucking GAY nobody wants to hear about this shit
damn
i was expecting some lsd talk or something fuck
go trip some cid and get layed”

APPARENTLY I can’t title my own blog posts what I want and apparently I’m a virgin again and not practically a nympho. Gosh. Learn something new everyday I suppose.

Newsflash: 1: If you’re gonna go spouting your negative bullshit all over the internet and insult ME at least have the balls to leave your real name and not something as stupid as “fuck”.
2: You don’t even know me so why the hell do you care? When you started reading and it obviously wasn’t about LSD there’s a simple solution; hit the back button or close your browser. But really, you wasted your time reading that whole thing and then typing out a comment about it? And you’re going to insult me? Right… And I’m the one being insulted here.

This is MY blog. I will blog about whatever the hell I want. If it doesn’t suit you, ugh duh, don’t read it. But don’t come around and waste your time reading stuff just to react like an asshole and leave some inane comment about it. No shit no one wants to read it. No one wants to read most of what I put here. I don’t write here to appease the masses. I write here for me you dumb-ass piece of shit.

If you want entertained go waste your time playing with yourself or something. Don’t both people like me who really don’t care to here your immature ridiculous bullshit.

And the word is “laid” you incompetent ass. Go out and educate yourself. And for the love of God, don’t procreate.

Go out and get laid… Jesus Christ. What a stupid piece of shit… Cause I never get laid… Fuck anyways.

lol lol lol lol lol

I love life.

It’s funny looking back over old blog posts from circa 6 months ago. I wrote about feelings of inadequacy and needing to fix my life and would I ever do that. I wrote about being in love and how I would always love my first love.

Here I sit now simply sighing and shaking my head at my former self. It seems my writings had a bigger impact on my subconscious than I’d realized.

I DID pull my “shit” together and set my life back on track. I’m actively looking for a job, I’m back in school [and doing pretty well I might add], I’ve got my license, and my relationship with my mom has finally been mended. There’s really few secrets and everything has drastically improved in those respects.

And that first love I would never get over? Well check that off my list. And that falling in love again part? The part that I was always sort of skeptical about? Check that off too.

See, okay, let’s start by saying that this blog is a minimally censored glimpse into my mind. That being said, I’m a little fucked up and just coming into the afternoon after a pretty great night. Bearing these things in mind, I feel like being a girl and so I’m just gonna go for it.

So I met this kid, though how and when neither one of us seems to recall. We started talking and conversation just came easily and freely. He won me over easily with The Shins and string theory and we started hanging out. The thing about that was that every time we would hang out we would have fun and I would just feel comfortable around him.

So we ended up dating. So here’s this kid who I’m still astounded even started to like me let alone love me and not to sound too cliche, and Lord help me I’m about to, but he’s everything I could ever ask for and more.

He doesn’t have weird jealousy or insecurity issues. He’s not controlling. He’s intelligent. He knows nerdy things AND art things so I can talk to him about everything from theoretical physics to philosophy to painters. He plays bass, and a mean bass at that. We can jam, even though I can’t really jam; he puts up with it with a smile somehow. He can write. I don’t think I’ve told him that, but I’ve read it and… Well yeah. We can play fight and be total dicks but we’re… how exactly did he put it…. the “closet romantic couple” which is totally true. We always manage to make everything fun, no matter what. We’re both laid back.

And he’s responsible, which is good for me cause that’s something I’m still working on being better at. He’s one of the most genuinely good caring people I know. That sounds cheesey too but it’s true. He’s always doing things for other people and taking them into consideration, including me. He listens to me talk and bitch about everything and then lets me sleep on him and put his arm to sleep.

But I love waking up on him or next to him or being woken up by him. I love spending time with him just bullshitting or doing whatever it is we decide to do. I love our nerdy little inside jokes and plans. I love the weird coincidences about things from our childhoods or skipping school or, well, the fact that we met and know each other. And I love that I’m the first girl he’s ever loved and I love saying “I love you” and meaning it again.

I love the feeling of falling in love. That’s one of the most girly things I have said in a while, but it’s true. Especially because it’s not that “omg we’re teenagers and we need to be with someone to be happy so let’s say I love you and convince ourselves we do” kind of love. It’s that talked about real life “you just know” kind of love. It’s just there and it feels really amazing.

This is the first kid I’ve dated I’ve had zero problems with. Everything about him I love. I love his little jew curls and his eyes cause they’re gorgeous. I love kissing him. I love the way he approaches life and the things he knows he just has to do. I love the way he’ll drive 60 miles just to take me to his house and bring me home and drive back later. I can’t even fathom it. And I love how he’ll wake up at 4:30 am just so I can stay over the night before.

I love his piercings and his taste in music. I love that he likes to bring me out and “show me off” [that's just awesome]. I love… everything. I really do. And it’s still just crazy for me to believe that he would love me. Don’t get me wrong, I love who I am and everything, but I can’t believe that he actually enjoys listening to me talk and enjoys all my crazy what I consider to be annoying things and doesn’t mind all my little crazy quirks. I never thought he’d be interested in me let alone that we would date and he would love me.

It’s completely girly. This all is and when I look back at it I’ll probably just sigh and roll my eyes at myself, but I’m in that mood so why not.

I love Dylan. I’m not afraid to say that and really I’m starting not to be so afraid of it either. Things are good right now and all we ever experience is right now. That’s what Dylan told me last night and it’s completely true. No one knows about the future so I’m not gonna worry about it.

Right now, I’m flying high and feeling good. Everything keeps getting better. The trend hasn’t stopped for months. On one hand, I’m waiting for it too. On the other hand, after the childhood and young teen/adult life I had, I think this upward trend for life is deserved.

I always said things would go well for me when I was older. I think that’s just starting now. Everything seems to find a way to work out for itself despite the odds and on top of that I have the best boyfriend, well, in existence. I’m pretty convinced of that. And I love him. And I love life. And it’s all amazing.

I have no way to close this nicely. It’s all been choppy and scattered anyways [I'm not in most coherent or eloquent of mind states at the moment].

I love everything.