but maybe i’m just losing my mind

I don’t know what to do anymore. I spend my Saturday night crying, then getting better, going out with the girls, only to spend the rest of the night with someone I care for deeply with alcohol poisoning puking half in a bucket, half on me, and asking me what the fuck I wanted every time I tried to rouse him from an unconscious state. They wanted to leave him asleep on his back before he’d had a chance to puke so I made two of his friends help me sit him up and get him to puke and later another one to help me flip him on his side in case he puked again in his sleep.

My heart was broken. Not only by that action but that we’d been in a fight before I’d seen him like that and because of allegations that he’d kissed another girl when I wasn’t there. That’s still something no one is sure of. After promising me he wouldn’t get drunk and flirt with other girls, it’s something that still makes me tear up and get sick at my stomach to think about.

The next morning when I finally heard from him, it wasn’t a remorseful apologetic person who felt bad he may have kissed another girl and over what he did. Rather, it was anger. Through me crying and choking and gasping for air, there was anger. That possibly hurt more than anything else. There was also the wondering over whether or not to work things out.

As far as I know most of the misdirected still drunk anger has been set aside, but the debate about pushing on with things is still hanging in the air, and not on my end of things.

However in a twist of events over the course of typing this, said person is on his way here, so I guess it’s time to go prepare for the worst.

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neglect?

Yes, in the recent year or so passed I have much neglected this blog with the exception of times with Dave on his laptop when typing was more comfortable than curling up awkwardly on my bed with my desktop’s keyboard. By the way, why do I use my right pinky when typing but I always have my left one up? Awkward? Who cares.

As one may predict, I have my own laptop again. A toshiba this time. So far the satellite is kicking my old inspiron’s ass.

I don’t have much to say now… Probably won’t for a while. But I’d like to get back into the habit of blogging. Mostly as a a means of getting rid of all the awkward things piled up around my brain. There’s a lot of clutter to get out but I have two papers and college apps and personalizing of this laptop and cleaning and ten hundred other things to do first. It’s pretty bad how much work is piling up around me and how much keeps getting put off.

I don’t wanna think about it.

a long string of meaningless words and phrases

I can’t help but notice, well, a lot of things. Most of which I’ve noticed before but which now I feel like writing about because I feel like I should be writing and it’s my blog and I can do what I want with it free from feeling like I have to write well or cohesively. It’s for me. Not for the masses. [Although, let’s face it, I DO love people reading my blogs and writings. Even when they’re stupid I like feeling like I’ve somehow influenced someone or become a source they could somehow relate to or even just someone they could suddenly look at and think “well… things could be worse. I could be Sarah”.]

First off I don’t understand girls who continuously date douche bags or who feel incomplete outside of a relationship. You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. I don’t care who you are. If you can’t accept who you are at your core and what not, then no, so-and-so isn’t your life and your heart. They’re just a vice to prove to yourself that you’re not as bad as you feel. I’m not saying that’s a terrible thing because I think most of us end up doing/feeling that at some point but you have to learn from it and learn to be comfortable on your own. If me and and Dylan broke up it would suck but not because I was single. [I know what I mean…]

Next, I would like to spend some time maybe not away from Pennsylvania but away from the area and most of the people. I would like a clean slate. A fresh start. Something new. I would really like to visit Alex this summer. Even if it’s only for a few days or a week or whatever it’d be nice to get away. Plus I know I’d miss the shit out of everyone and life back home so maybe then when I came back I wouldn’t be so full of loathing for my toxic home environment I spend so much time bitching about.

If I wasn’t so much of a homesick pussy I’d probably wait til next school year and peace out for a year to start over in Nebraska. If I wasn’t terrified of not being able to come back or losing people here. I would miss a lot of people. I would miss Dylan. I guess I have a definite plan for if we break up. Ahaha… -.-

Next order of business. I never fail to be shocked at the amount of crazy insane girly paranoid shit I can tell Dylan. I always almost have to hold my breath and I always anticipate something about not being so serious about things cause we’re young or about not being worried or something. And I always get told I’m cute or I’m human or whatever I said wasn’t weird. Everything I went through the past few years feeling like I had once been insane for I’m suddenly being told is okay. Not only is it all okay. Oh no. Apparently I’m some super cool super human awesome chick or something.

So all the time I spent sitting around beating up on myself or feeling like I was slipping and wasn’t half as good as I used to be… Nope. Apparently there’s someone out there I still impress despite my tendency to not be in school and the state of my grades right now and my tendency to shirk responsibilities and how I had no job for, like, EVER in large part out of sheer stubbornness.

Like that all wasn’t enough. I mean there certainly exist other people out there who think I’m pretty awesome in spite of my bold and glaring flaws. But Dylan is kind of like the coolest person ever in my eyes. He’s stupid smart and good at art things and mathy science things. He’s responsible and funny and selfless and amazing and he thinks all those good things about ME. I don’t know that I’ll ever FULLY wrap my head around that one…

I always wanted to be the cool girl friend. I wanted to be the girl who dated a guy and his friends would just say or think or whatever it boys do damn, I wish that was my girlfriend or I wish my girl friend was like that. When I thought that was what I was the first time around I couldn’t have been further from the truth [probably literally].

But now things are different. I kind of feel silly with every pang of jealousy I get, no matter how small, but if I bring it up I’m never ostracized for it. It’s normal. Sometimes I snap too or get bitchy but there are always apologies floating around and Dylan and I are both people who are good at seeing from both sides of the fence. Not to mention I actually know Dylan loves me. There aren’t doubts there. I know he’d never try to hurt me. We’re both just human.

I keep stopping writing for long periods of time. Between the end of that paragraph and this a good 15 minutes at LEAST has elapsed.

This whole post seems pointless now. I’ve suddenly lost my love for it.

At the same time something somewhere just made me smile and I’m pretty sure that completely halted whatever was trying to make my motivation melt back into non-existence…

I’m too scattered right now. It’s like 6:40 am. A year ago shit was super fucked and I thought it was all just dandy. Now for as much stress and bullshit as there can be I know I’m on the right path with things with options spread out at my feet once again.

So I got set back a year. Maybe everyone else is just being thrown into life prematurely.

Suck my dick society.

kissing the lipless

Self righteous self sacrifice scares some people. Everyone’s got a loud enough mouth when there are no consequences but perhaps true merit of character is shown when there ARE serious reactions for the action of speaking out.

Anyone can give any topic some good lip service and talk smack like they’re gonna do shit. If you’re gonna talk, I say back it up. And I don’t mean if you’re gonna insult someone blahblah petty teenage bullshit. I mean if you feel strongly or passionately about something don’t let anyone insult or beat that down. Stand up for your convictions if you have to. Stop being such cowards.

I might get a black eye today defending my mom. Maybe nothing. Who knows? All I know is that my alcoholic depressed father’s been a belligerent idiot all day and making my mom cry when she’s done nothing [and if you know me you know my mom pisses me off a lot and deserves the truth and yelled at sometimes but none of these]. I’ve gotten threats. Apparently legally being an adult means he can raise a hand to me again.

Well let him. I’m not afraid of his threats. His insults and comparing me to my perfect sisters doesn’t really bother me too much anymore. Okay so that’s not true. At all [says the girl who starts crying and realizes it DOES bother her…]. But I’m not afraid of HIM. He doesn’t scare me and I’ll be damned if anyone’s ever gonna intimidate me into not standing up for what I believe in and for the people I love. Maybe I’m brave or maybe I’m just a fool. But I’m a passionate little whatever I am and I’m not backing down.

surrender your worst intentions

Life is good. I guess that’s why feeling stressed out or down doesn’t make sense to me right now. Or it didn’t until I stopped picking things apart, dissecting, blaming different general reasons. It was all a lot more simple than that.

Ponder, for a moment, the phrase “creature of habit”. It conjures up all different things for different people. For some people it’s an image of stuffy boring people locked in to schedules and fixed lives day in and day out. For me, it’s… Well it’s me.

I need SOME structure in my life. [Not need but I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing much without some format there.] But I also need freedom. At the same time I like patterns but not exact patterns. More like scatter plots. I am happiest when my life is a scatter plot. I can find my line of best fit and trust that most things will coast along side it without too much deviation, but at the same time constantly changing its position on the graph, moving up or down and left or right. [Analogies…]

Lately things in my life aren’t scatter plotting correctly. They’re not even sine curving or parabola-ing. I’m not even sure that they’re on my part of the graph anymore. Things are shooting off in to infinity.

A lot of it is good. Good ideas. New plans like for our backyard patio, putting a pond in to my garden, building forts, road trips, and getting things done. Other stuff is getting better. And some of it isn’t good. Yin and yang. Good and evil. Light and dark. Balance. Moving on…

Despite the good out-weighing the evil [I haven’t given it any extensive thought yet but I’m fairly certain the good things are out-numbering the bad by a fair amount] it’s still a lot of changes. Change is the only constant in life which, I think, if part of why I like when little things are constantly re-tweaking themselves in tiny ways few other people notice. But when big things come, even if they’re good things, they feel overwhelming. I start to feel like I’m spiraling out of control and I’ll never get anything done which makes it a lot harder to start.

I feel out of balance. I’m a libra, a scale. If you don’t believe in astrology, that’s fine, but it doesn’t change the fact that I seek balance in my life [even though that balance isn’t necessarily a 50-50 split or along the same contrasting lines as for other people, like work and play are]. All the changing stuff leaves me grasping on to the fragments of unchanged things or of the past and choking the life out of it.

It’s hard for me not to fixated a little and obsess a little and fret and fuss right now. This used to be how I lived day to day anyways back when I was a high strung angst monster. Now I’m laid back and I’ve changed a lot but this… I don’t know. The way things are now is new in its own rite.

I feel like I’ve lost my anchor. I’m having trouble finding something to hold on to. The things I think I do have increasingly feel like they’re slipping away and so I’m sitting around with ridiculous hopes and expectations and reaching out for reassurance that these things I depend on and that I think I know are true aren’t going to leave.

O ye of little faith. I know. I have no business questioning half of what my mind has been on their respective levels.

I guess everyone… No. I guess I like having reassurance once in a while. I like hearing things are the way I perceive them. I like being told it’s gonna be okay [but only when the person saying it means it… I don’t like lies].

Maybe that’s why I’m flakey lately one minute and then overly girly and clingy and odd the next. Callous defense mechanism to reaching out in the most estrogen driven, annoying and destructive of ways. I don’t wanna do that and lose what I have. That’s how stuff like that happens. At the same time I’m finding it hard to let go and just keep faith in these things I think I know.

I’m trying though and constantly reminding myself of the little good things that can’t be wrong like the fact that is IS spring, or the fact that my crocuses are poking their heads up through the dead grass.

Maybe most other things are sort of sketchy and unknown. Stuff that felt certain, emotions, people… It’s all starting to feel foreign and strange and wrong. The cynical part of my brain is trying to insert itself there and cut me off from depending on anyone or anything I know and the conscious part is reaching out to everyone to hold on to bonds my inner cynacist [too bad that’s not a real word] won’t be able to break through.

It sounds crazy and schitzy and maybe, just maybe, it is. On the other hand maybe I’m not the only person who feels like that.

Nothing little is over rated. It’s that whole “no act of kindness, no matter how small, goes unnoticed” thing coming in to play.

I don’t know about the rest of the human race but most of my favorite memories or happiest little moments were just small things. Little cutesy considerate things. The kind of things that no one ever thinks twice about. They make all the difference. Thoughtful stuff.

I’m one to talk about any of that considering how thoughtless I’ve felt off and on lately. And probably been too. So maybe little things only mean anything to me. But sometimes those are the only things I’ve got to hold on to in my head and in my heart when things like spring and the flowers just aren’t quite enough.

That’s often bitter sweet but it’s getting better every day. Eventually this will all settle out into a pattern again. Spring is here. The circumstances of my life are better than they have been for a long time in the ways most important to me. Sooner or later all of that has to pan back out into that constant puddle of obnoxious joy my life was before.

Even my optimism sounds forced.

I just want a better handle on what’s real, and on who’s real, and on what’s here, and on what I can count on.

smile bright, sunshine.

Truth be told, I think you’re too sane and oriented for me.

I’m not going to tell you this though. Someday when I’ve fazed you out, maybe you’ll get the picture. But you’ll probably just think I’m a bitch.

That’s okay. I am.

if i were you i’d hate me too

Hate can spurn from about two hundred gagillion different things. One of them is jealousy. I know plenty of people who don’t like me. In many cases it’s just because I’m this random weird outspoken hippie chick with a blatant disregard for all things conventional. In most other cases it’s minor dislike often in acquaintances or casual friends. It is in those cases that it comes from jealousy.

It’s with good reason though. I’m not artificially pretty. I actually have good looks. You know the kind I mean… Skinny but with hips and a figure. Tan skin. Dark hair and eyes. Good bone structure. Adorable little smile dimples. Everything I do is basically, like, the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. You can’t see me and think “ew” [well… maybe if I’m in rare form… emphasis on rare]. And if you look on with contempt and disgust… Hello green monster of envy. How nice of you to join us!

Moving on. I’m smart. Not like oh-my-God-I-can-spell-most-words-correctly-without-MSWord-correcting-me smart but like I’m basically a genius smart. Yes I have altered and fried my brains a lot but guess what fuckers? Studies show brain cells DO regenerate. Suck on that one critics and skeptics of the world. I can’t be stopped even by my own poor decisions and chemical bodily warfare. I’m invincible. [I’ve probably just jinxed myself…]

I’m fun. Yes I swear and bitch and I’m sarcastic and make no mistake, I WILL beat up on you. I don’t care who you are. I will pick, fuss, scrap, slap, whatever. It’s in my blood. But when it comes down to it I’m almost always a good fucking time. I don’t care if you’re laughing with me or at me, you’re gonna be smiling. Everything about me screams little and cute and people are attracted to that. Oh yeah. I’ve got charisma and spunk built in with my appearance. I don’t even have to have a good personality.

And yet I do. A great one. A magnificent one. Bueno mucho blah blah awesome excellent. Fucking amazing. There is a reason I have Jesus status. The bad things about me are pretty much limited to PMS, SAD, laziness and infrequent co-dependent tendencies. Beyond that, nope. I’ve even managed to beat that little bastard fondly known as bipolar disorder [cyclothymia but no one knows what that is] into the ground sans drugs. You try doing that. For 18 years. You tell me how easy it is kay? [It’s not. I’m really JUST THAT win.]

I took SATs today and was surprised by how easy they were. But now it’s midnight and I can’t sleep and I smell like cigarette smoke and to be 100% honest it’s simply too cold to go out walking. The only real stress on my mind is that I would like to have a job [hmm… well what the fuck else is new?]. That’s not ENTIRELY true…

But I really feel like I’m slowly digging in to the dirt and finding the roots of Sarah again. Just like my damn crocuses… Sun comes out. Temperatures spike up. BAM! Sarah’s back in action baby.

I have survived another turbulent and angst filled winter in cold as balls Pennsylvania. I’ve even held on to this new relationship through it all. [I hate being involved in winter. I’m always bitter, depressed, clingy and moody. It really makes keeping things from crashing and burning a challenge where, normally, I do nothing but exist and carry about life as usual.]

Might have something to do with actually being in love again. Who knows? I know I see a pattern developing and it’s the same one that wove itself into the fabric of my life before. But it started differently and the variables aren’t the same. Hopefully it doesn’t end in the same stitch. Que sera sera. Everything happens for a reason. For now, I’m not worrying about it. I’m simply hoping that with groundations coming to a close, spring arriving, and boy having fun adventures with his buds to look forward to, well, both of us can be in better moods. All of this off and on moody stuff is really getting old. So is the weather.

And the fact that all of our visits for the past, like, month and a week have been limited to laying around or sitting in cars for short bursts of time doesn’t help. Relationships can’t live in that sort of boring stale environment. Especially this one. It’s based around freaky coincidences, hate, love, and largely random trips and adventures and what not. We do random things. They’re always completely stupid and always completely fun [but I’m pretty damn sure only to us…]. This laying around being stuck thing is boring and corrosive.

Three more days til groundation termination. Cross your fingers and toes. Six days til spring. 55 more days of school.

Summer days, drunken nights, and one red couch in a basement nearly twenty miles from here. [And a kiddy pool. That’s kind of the most important part. And the fort too. Yeah…] The first three months of any year don’t count to me. The mood and tone are set come April. Why? I don’t know but it seems to be more of an apex in the advance of years than any New Year’s Eve ever is. This year April will be good. I know there will be a time or two that will make me cringe or crumple my face in disgust and/or aggravation but over all I can’t see anything but blue skies and smiles ahead [especially with the travesties of the past 2 and half months at its back in contrast].

I can feel the uneven spots in my shirt sleeve where it had to be mended. It’s just as pressing, annoying, crushing, and distracting and the obvious tension and unrest growing in the air. Cut it with a knife or poke it with your mental finger of curiosity. To some sense, it’s tangible. Guaranteed. But yin and yang. The world balances itself out. The rest of the year isn’t capable of being anything but orgasmic. I can’t quite say how yet, and even I have become a skeptic, but I still have faith that one way or another, it’ll come through for me.

Time will tell. Until then, we wait it out with synthetic good-times and lots of sex to pass the time. Wait… Did I just recap 2009 up until now in two actions? Hmm… Theory.

january 17th

This is a response I got to the blog I posted on January 17th.

“this is fucking GAY nobody wants to hear about this shit
damn
i was expecting some lsd talk or something fuck
go trip some cid and get layed”

APPARENTLY I can’t title my own blog posts what I want and apparently I’m a virgin again and not practically a nympho. Gosh. Learn something new everyday I suppose.

Newsflash: 1: If you’re gonna go spouting your negative bullshit all over the internet and insult ME at least have the balls to leave your real name and not something as stupid as “fuck”.
2: You don’t even know me so why the hell do you care? When you started reading and it obviously wasn’t about LSD there’s a simple solution; hit the back button or close your browser. But really, you wasted your time reading that whole thing and then typing out a comment about it? And you’re going to insult me? Right… And I’m the one being insulted here.

This is MY blog. I will blog about whatever the hell I want. If it doesn’t suit you, ugh duh, don’t read it. But don’t come around and waste your time reading stuff just to react like an asshole and leave some inane comment about it. No shit no one wants to read it. No one wants to read most of what I put here. I don’t write here to appease the masses. I write here for me you dumb-ass piece of shit.

If you want entertained go waste your time playing with yourself or something. Don’t both people like me who really don’t care to here your immature ridiculous bullshit.

And the word is “laid” you incompetent ass. Go out and educate yourself. And for the love of God, don’t procreate.

Go out and get laid… Jesus Christ. What a stupid piece of shit… Cause I never get laid… Fuck anyways.

masturbation causes cancer?

lol lol lol lol lol

I love life.

yellow sunshine LSD

It’s funny looking back over old blog posts from circa 6 months ago. I wrote about feelings of inadequacy and needing to fix my life and would I ever do that. I wrote about being in love and how I would always love my first love.

Here I sit now simply sighing and shaking my head at my former self. It seems my writings had a bigger impact on my subconscious than I’d realized.

I DID pull my “shit” together and set my life back on track. I’m actively looking for a job, I’m back in school [and doing pretty well I might add], I’ve got my license, and my relationship with my mom has finally been mended. There’s really few secrets and everything has drastically improved in those respects.

And that first love I would never get over? Well check that off my list. And that falling in love again part? The part that I was always sort of skeptical about? Check that off too.

See, okay, let’s start by saying that this blog is a minimally censored glimpse into my mind. That being said, I’m a little fucked up and just coming into the afternoon after a pretty great night. Bearing these things in mind, I feel like being a girl and so I’m just gonna go for it.

So I met this kid, though how and when neither one of us seems to recall. We started talking and conversation just came easily and freely. He won me over easily with The Shins and string theory and we started hanging out. The thing about that was that every time we would hang out we would have fun and I would just feel comfortable around him.

So we ended up dating. So here’s this kid who I’m still astounded even started to like me let alone love me and not to sound too cliche, and Lord help me I’m about to, but he’s everything I could ever ask for and more.

He doesn’t have weird jealousy or insecurity issues. He’s not controlling. He’s intelligent. He knows nerdy things AND art things so I can talk to him about everything from theoretical physics to philosophy to painters. He plays bass, and a mean bass at that. We can jam, even though I can’t really jam; he puts up with it with a smile somehow. He can write. I don’t think I’ve told him that, but I’ve read it and… Well yeah. We can play fight and be total dicks but we’re… how exactly did he put it…. the “closet romantic couple” which is totally true. We always manage to make everything fun, no matter what. We’re both laid back.

And he’s responsible, which is good for me cause that’s something I’m still working on being better at. He’s one of the most genuinely good caring people I know. That sounds cheesey too but it’s true. He’s always doing things for other people and taking them into consideration, including me. He listens to me talk and bitch about everything and then lets me sleep on him and put his arm to sleep.

But I love waking up on him or next to him or being woken up by him. I love spending time with him just bullshitting or doing whatever it is we decide to do. I love our nerdy little inside jokes and plans. I love the weird coincidences about things from our childhoods or skipping school or, well, the fact that we met and know each other. And I love that I’m the first girl he’s ever loved and I love saying “I love you” and meaning it again.

I love the feeling of falling in love. That’s one of the most girly things I have said in a while, but it’s true. Especially because it’s not that “omg we’re teenagers and we need to be with someone to be happy so let’s say I love you and convince ourselves we do” kind of love. It’s that talked about real life “you just know” kind of love. It’s just there and it feels really amazing.

This is the first kid I’ve dated I’ve had zero problems with. Everything about him I love. I love his little jew curls and his eyes cause they’re gorgeous. I love kissing him. I love the way he approaches life and the things he knows he just has to do. I love the way he’ll drive 60 miles just to take me to his house and bring me home and drive back later. I can’t even fathom it. And I love how he’ll wake up at 4:30 am just so I can stay over the night before.

I love his piercings and his taste in music. I love that he likes to bring me out and “show me off” [that’s just awesome]. I love… everything. I really do. And it’s still just crazy for me to believe that he would love me. Don’t get me wrong, I love who I am and everything, but I can’t believe that he actually enjoys listening to me talk and enjoys all my crazy what I consider to be annoying things and doesn’t mind all my little crazy quirks. I never thought he’d be interested in me let alone that we would date and he would love me.

It’s completely girly. This all is and when I look back at it I’ll probably just sigh and roll my eyes at myself, but I’m in that mood so why not.

I love Dylan. I’m not afraid to say that and really I’m starting not to be so afraid of it either. Things are good right now and all we ever experience is right now. That’s what Dylan told me last night and it’s completely true. No one knows about the future so I’m not gonna worry about it.

Right now, I’m flying high and feeling good. Everything keeps getting better. The trend hasn’t stopped for months. On one hand, I’m waiting for it too. On the other hand, after the childhood and young teen/adult life I had, I think this upward trend for life is deserved.

I always said things would go well for me when I was older. I think that’s just starting now. Everything seems to find a way to work out for itself despite the odds and on top of that I have the best boyfriend, well, in existence. I’m pretty convinced of that. And I love him. And I love life. And it’s all amazing.

I have no way to close this nicely. It’s all been choppy and scattered anyways [I’m not in most coherent or eloquent of mind states at the moment].

I love everything. 🙂

“That’s why it’s time for New Year’s Eve and getting trashed in good company and passing out on the floor at some obscene hour with the sun already strolling across the 2009 sky.”

Well New Year’s Eve wasn’t quite that, but I think I like the way it went better anyways. That whole not drinking thing I was talking about on Christmas? Well that went out the door the next night [score] and found me in the company of some fabulous Newville kids who are fun to party with. [Not to mention running down hills, being out in the middle of the night barefoot in a t-shirt and holey jeans and passing out and nonsense…] So that was a good night.

The following week was a haze of events. Little Carrie came in and stayed with me. The next day we went to the mall with Megan, Jesse and Dylan. Megan needed an oil change, Sears sucks… The result? Being stranded at the mall for hours and everyone being tired and cranky. [Or maybe just me? I was tired and cranky so to me so was everyone else…]

Got a little sleep. Saw Dylan the next day and did… Well nothing really. Much at least. We went up to some rocks and blah blah everyone else would find it boring and frankly the whole “aw we watched the sunset on a mountain” thing is too girly for me to bring myself to write about. It was cold, but it was pretty. And fun.

Then Chelsea came over to stay the night for her 18th birthday, as it was that day. We went out for Chinese food, then to the mall, then I got her to drive on the highway for the first time and we went to Centralia [almost]. [Sidenote: I really need to get there…]

Slept for a whopping 3 hours that night [/facepalm]. Took my car to the shop in the morning. Blah. Got to get the Buick back though, which sort of made life. 😀

Didn’t party on New Year’s Eve [we covered this] but I did get my girly way and got to be with boy thing. We got to drink too [champagne shouldn’t be as for the win as it is] and watch cool movies and all that nonsense. Then the next day, we went to Mordor and found some fun ice and the realization was made that there doesn’t need to be horse and buggy parking at Blockbuster because AMISH PEOPLE DON’T WATCH MOVIES OR PLAY VIDEO GAMES! /facepalm. Then more rocks and the pretty stuff and what not.

Then I got home, and chilled, then went to hang out with Dara. We watched three movies. [The last one, Old Boy, was amazing.] Then we called up Justin, and broke out the Jack. Ended up getting party mix, pizza, cheesecake, Jesse, herb, and more drinky drink. The night wasn’t as wild as it could’ve been but we put the book of Mormon to new and good use. [Including watching Justin eat it. -.-]

2009 so far has had one great day and one painfully boring day. Never the less, the whole break has been spectacular and I’m looking forward to this year.

[It’s hard to be emotional, deep or enthusiastic right now. Somehow, I’m still tired, and I’m kind of bored, and I kind of want to just eat junk food and watch TV… But not.]

BLAH. And I gave Dylan a nosebleed. I think that’s a great note to end on. 😀

slowly… oh so very slowly…

What makes Christmas? Asking for wine and receiving it. Warm… Who the hell’s bright idea was it to drink wine at room temperature? FUCK that.

So New Year’s Eve… I’ve been pretty good at keeping my substance abuses to a once or twice a week thing since going back to school [uhm… okay sometimes…] and I haven’t been drinking AT ALL. That needs to change…

Time to watch fireworks drunk again! Too bad Elisa’s gonna be in Rhode Island. [We’ll be together in spirit… You can’t separate us 100%. We ARE, after all, one completely bonded inconceivable ball of evil disguised as little and cute. And we get away with everything.]

I’m in a strange mood. This summer… Hopefully within 6 months… It’s supposed to find me on the West Coast exploring the life I don’t need to see to know I’d fall in love with. This slow small town east coast bullshit… It was a good way not to grow up too fast and to develop some morals and strong convictions. I know where I stand now, though. And within the next 2 year I’ve gotta pull it all together and head out and do something with my life. Not because I have to… I want to. I’ve been slacking off and laying back my whole life. It’s time to go push myself to do… something. Anything. I’ve gotta put myself out there and do something though. To hell with the rest of it.

Everyone’s helped carry me this far. It’s time I got out on my own. Someday that may mean leaving everyone behind for a while. If it comes to that, I guess most of this was in vain.

I feel like there’s got to be to it than this though… The constant cycle… Work, drugs, rinse, repeat. What about change and perspective and revolutions? What about transcendentalism?

I would be content to go find a little field surrounded by woods where I could grow my own food and no one could find me. I would spend my days writing words no one would read and dealing with the fact that I can’t force my thoughts on the world. I would draw stupid things and burn them later in drunken fits, and I’d learn to brew some killer shit. I’d take music books and my instruments and spend the rest of days alone surrounded by art and my own love for it.

That’d work for maybe a month. Then I’d get lonely. Let’s face it; I live for people. And I have the best in my life. The most fun, the brightest, the most caring and giving. You can argue it all you want. I know we have our collective flaws. We’re mostly displaced 60’s kids stuck in the 21st century with our own emotional diseases and self defense mechanisms and blatant flaws that we’re blind to. But when it comes down to it, damnit, we’re trying.

We think to much for our own good. That’s why it’s time for New Year’s Eve and getting trashed in good company and passing out on the floor at some obscene hour with the sun already strolling across the 2009 sky.

I wish I wasn’t so pensive in winter. It’s not a bad thing. It just gets annoying after a while. I start to drive me crazy. Then I blog which in turn drives me crazy until months later.

Pointless things mean so much more anyways. Bother…

socially posh is just a way to be an elegant catastrophe

1: Someone was a dick-head today. To sum things up, I was catching shit because I’m outspoken, I’m not little and giggly and tinny, I’m a complete smart-ass, I’m sarcastic as shit, and, oh yeah, I act like a male.

Well no shit Sherlock. Welcome to Sarah. I CAN dress all cutesy and act lady like and feminine and cutesy, but what’s the point? That’s not me. It never will be. Sometimes I dress up and do my hair. I wear eyeliner basically 24/7. Sometimes I still get emotional and girly. That’s the extent of it. If you don’t like it, exit my life. No one’s forcing you to be part of anything Sarah related, dig?

You’re free to go as you please, but if you do, don’t expect to just be able to come back any time.

2: I WAS CHANGING IT TO APPLY TO THE CURRENT SITUATION SARAH! (I missed Jake Casey!)

3: When I ignore you persistently, there’s a reason for it. Disrespect on that level flies from no one. I’m sorry. Believe me when I say I wish it could be else. I feel kind of like someone ripped a chunk of me off (as opposed to before when it was damaged but at least it was still there). But my despair at the situation is hardly enough to make me forgive you or reconsider my decision. There’s unconditional love, and there’s being walked on. I’ll never be able to deny that I care about you, but it doesn’t mean I have to let you in my life anymore.

4: Karate chop nooblets. I really need to fight someone [play fight. we all know I’m non-violent.] like right now.

5: Tattoo and/or piercing over break. After the car gets inspected. PLEASE! I’m really fucking excited?

6: I’m anti-social lately. If this applies to you and I’ve ignored you, consider this your sort of apology. It’s all you’ll be getting.

7: Something long about awkward situations, how I used to let myself be walked all over, and how now I have self esteem.

8: Sarah who doesn’t believe in sleep has been sleeping. A lot. I hate it. I’ve decided there’s a reason I stopped sleeping. Life is far better at night.

it’s not over unless you let it break you.

There was an incident tonight I don’t care to go into. The jist of it is that it was bad, brought up some of my harshest childhood memories, and I think as brought about the end of a friendship basically.

But this isn’t about that. That story isn’t for the internet and I’m not here to throw a pity party for myself. I’m actually here to be a total girl, which I may facepalm about and regret somewhat later. Time will tell. For now I just need to get as many thoughts down in five minutes as possible, then play asleep so mom can come wake me up.

Basically the incident tonight made me first think of my first love and how he has changed and isn’t at all who he used to be. I realized I don’t even have much interest in talking to him or seeing him anymore [especially after tonight]. It also made me think of boyfriends I’ve had who have been very into the ‘hey let me pressure you to have sex early on and frequently’ as well as the many douchebags I know who just want in my pants and try often to get there.

I think in particular though of my first love and of my most recent ex. The first kid I ever loved turned into someone totally different. My most recent ex still would like to sleep with me. And my friends [oops, I’m not supposed to know about that]. Both in recent months have spent time trying to get in my pants.

Now, hey, I’m no prude. I like sex as much as anyone else, I’m not gonna lie. But there’s something about expecting it or having it be a planned thing that makes it not fun. Not to mention then if something happens and you don’t feel like it, the other party gets all pissy. Sure, they’ll say it’s fine but they usually don’t mean it. I’m not an idiot.

So I’m laying in bed trying to catch a nap thinking about all of that and about how tonight went not cutely and how I was just upset. And believe me, I was upset tonight. I really wished there was a way I could’ve summoned Elisa to me with my mind powers or something and had her here to talk to. That girl is an amazing person. She’s realistic about things, but is really good at seeing both sides of any situation. She’s like me in that sense and also in that she and I both always tell stories how they happened; if we look like the bad guy, so be it. We’re not around to judge each other.

But I’m getting off track here big time.

So naturally my next thought progressed into the kid I am dating now. [Oh here we go with the Sarah is high and going to rant like a female thing. Apologies in advance. You’ve been warned…]

So basically, I don’t even know where I start with this kid. I’m not sure exactly how or when or why we started talking. I just know that we did. We talked about music and about drugs and about life. Then we didn’t talk for a while. Natural progression of talking to someone online and never on the phone or hanging out with them IRL.

Then when I dated my most recent ex I used  to come home from school and just forward to talking to the kid I’m dating now cause I’d always end up in a good mood again after fighting with my stupid boyfriend.

So eventually we ended up hanging out. First time was a football game where it rained a lot and was lame. [Cause I know everyone cares about the progression of things soo much. My blog. Fuck off.] But when we left my friend Liz just turned to me [well once we were to her house] and said “so you two were flirting a lot” and I shrugged because I didn’t think it was a big deal really. She suggested him having a thing for me and I kind of laughed it off. I recalled what she had t old me sometime before about him “being a player” as she so eloquently put it. [Back in spring. Don’t ask how the whole conversation came up. It involves my bizarre attraction to long haired bassists.]

Anyways, one thing leading to another and we’re dating. [I should note that the one things and the another things were all fun though. And cute according to Justin. Fuck it… Names make life easier. Justin thinks Dylan is the sweetest thing ever and thinks we’re super cute. I think Justin is insane, but he’s my best friend so whatever floats his boat.]

On to Sarah being a girl. /swallows… pride? fear? male tendencies?

(I feel the need to throw in me missing mom coming downstairs and her coming to wake me up and me saying I woke up at 5 cause I went to bed early early and her believing it and being retardedly pleasant to me.)

So here’s the thing about Dylan. Things? Whatever. 

A: He’s younger than me. This no longer bothers me. Age is a number. I taught people that and now someone fed me my own lesson.
B: He’s not a jealous person. He doesn’t freak out when I talk to my ex boyfriends. After the last one, this is refreshing.
C: He doesn’t criticize me for my stupid mistakes and he doesn’t make fun of me for my half amazing but half shitty taste in music. He deals with it. Again, post last one, REALLY FUCKING NICE.
D: He doesn’t think I’m going to fuck random people if I get drunk. He doesn’t care if I got get drunk or do drugs or party and have a good time. This should be a given in a relationship. I didn’t have this in the last one though. Big problem.
E: I don’t know if the feeling is mutual [but I think and hope so] but I love his mom. His whole family really. I love going to his house. His mom is like a real human being. She swears occasionally and is always in pajamas by the time I leave [always… out of the 2 times I’ve been there. /facepalm]. But you can tell she’s well educated and she’s a real classy lady. His stepdad I’ve only met once, but he seemed pretty cool. Then there’s his little brothers… The oldest little one reminds me of Dylan. Like, a mini Dylan really. And has already decided to love me based on giving him X and Y bands [long story]. Well, he loved me for like 30 seconds. Whatever. The middle younger brother is just a riot. He acts like a kid  in that awkward stage between trying to figure out what he can and can’t get away with. Why do I make that connection… I’m not sure. Back to track. His youngest brother is 2 and I’ve decided he’s the next Jesus. Seriously, I adore this kid. He just makes me smile. So the whole family is cool and I’m just like comfortable being over there, which is a feeling I don’t have with a lot of my friends’ houses let alone someone I’ve dated. Another welcome change.
F: He’s not one of those acts nice to you but is a dick to you around his friend types. I’ve had that in probably half of my relationships and I hate it. The other half have been guys who just ALWAYS wanna be all over me and it’s just not acceptable. But I feel like in this case there’s this happy medium. Like, he’s not ashamed to obviously be my boyfriend in front of people. Holding hands and arms around one another and such little things as that. It’s one of the stupidest girliest things for me to point out, but when I’m comfortable with some, I love physical affection. /shrugs. I am female. This is proof…
G: He’s smart. I mean, this kid is REALLY smart. And likes string theory. And I think that alone is enough to make me drool and go all starry eyed and girly.
H: He doesn’t  have a set music genre. Most everyone I’ve dated has been into all metal and rock or all old music or all blue grass, etc. They’re incapable of breaking free from that label and just listening to what they like. That’s what I do. That’s what Dylan does. That works out well because he listens to a lot of metal and stuff that isn’t my cup of tea and I listen to a lot of poppy bullshit that he’d probably rather stab himself in the ear with a paper clip than listen to. But we can find this happy medium in stuff like Primus, The Shins, Dispatch, Radiohead, etc. Stuff last boy was too “hardcore” to listen to and first love thing would just criticize constantly.
I: He’s cute. There. I said it. He’s cute. Suck my dick…
J: I think he probably surpasses me in overall responsibleness and maturity in some ways. I’m a lazy slacker and procrastinator. I get done what I have to but usually just barely. Here’s this kid who just kind of does what he’s gotta do and carries on with life. I feel like that’s a good thing to have in my life.
K: He’s fun. We can go do stuff or just lay around and we’re always having fun. 

I could keep listing things but I’m feeling like too much of a stupid girl carrying on with this. Really. I can’t. I’m too not serious. And it’s just too weird typing this all out when I don’t think I’ve told him any/most of this. I don’t know that I would. Right away. I don’t know… I’m not much of a gusher unless it’s with Justin or Elisa. Then we’re always gushing about how great/great friends we are.

But meh. After tonight, I feel like an idiot. And in general I feel like I’m inadequate as a friend lately and probably as a girlfriend too. Like, a lot of my friends have been neglected lately. It sucks. The one thing I’m supposed to have to give to people is my time, my love and my advice, none of which I’ve had for most of my friends lately and I feel awful about it.

Then there’s the girlfriend aspect. I’m goofy. I’m not often serious because I still have that fear of attachment. I feel like once I start getting serious I’ll end up hurt, but I don’t think I have to be serious for that. I can act as goofy as I like, but this here and my thoughts tonight were a dose of seriousness. The undeniable fact is that I really like Dylan and whether I act serious and mention that to HIM ever or not doesn’t change the fact that it’ true. And that kind of scares me.

See, with Craig, I think there was an initial attraction but I didn’t really know him well and once we were dating he started acting differently and taking advantage of that fact. Little things got blown up and he acted like we were going to get married or something. [Which is ridiculous cause we’re both young and cause I’ll probably never get married.] With Dylan while we were never super close before, we talked. I knew him more than I knew Craig. I knew that he was a good person, which he is. And here’s the thing; especially after events with Jason of the past and again of tonight, I’m terrified of dating someone and like loving them or falling in love with them cause I’m terrified of the same thing happening. I know I can’t let that stop me cause that’s stupid.

See, I don’t date people if I think off the bat it’s gonna be a waste of time, except this one time. I date people because I’m pretty sure I could be in a long term like REAL relationship with them. I don’t wanna say I date because I’m looking for a lifetime soulmate or some shit, but I mean that’s kind of part of dating really. It’s to find that person that you like fall in love in love with and spend your life with. Maybe not for everyone. Maybe that’s just me…

But there aren’t these weird initial doubts with Dylan there were with like Caleb or Craig. There aren’t weird family stigmas. No big problems. Actually, nothing I’d change. I like him for who is his, like, completely.

So, that’s just it. I mean, I like him. A lot. I haven’t even been dating him that long [not that I didn’t like before… well duh]. Liking someone this much… It can lead to other emotions see and that can be a great thing or a really complicated terrifying thing.

I still think it’s goofy to be like this age and find someone you love and you’re sure you wanna be with or whatever. It just doesn’t happen. So how can we even say we love someone? How can we love someone? And yet we do. And especially me. When I like someone, I really like them. I may be a cynic, but I’m also a romantic. But a realist too. So what if this relationship went on for a while [well I’m hoping it will obv.] and I end up loving this kid? And what if it’s not the other way? See, that’s probably what would happen. That’s my luck.

Like I said, I’m not sitting here right now in a relationship looking for a soul mate. I’m not stupid. I know kids my age don’t [ok VERY RARELY] find someone they wanna marry [permanently I should say…]. They don’t find who they wanna spend the rest of their lives with. But how do you love someone and not wanna spend your life with them? People like Justin who I love as friends I always want in my life. It’s kind of a similar concept.

I have all these fears about attachment, basically, that I shouldn’t have. I worry about those fears and then I worry that either having them will hold me back or ignoring them and throwing myself into things will turn out badly.

It’s touch and go though and I’m really not who I used to be. I’m not jealous anymore and I’m not clingy. So maybe, just maybe, I could let myself just fall full force into something and just let my emotions turn into whatever they turn into.

Maybe that’s all I can do. Otherwise, it’s really just lying to myself, which isn’t what I’m about.

…I could’ve finished my DEAR project or my AIDs packet or something else or ALL of it in these past few hours. Instead, I talked to Dave, sent Sarah a stupidly long message, did a survey, and wrote this, which is pointless because all of it that matters I’m probably just gonna say today [speed… yay?]. It is 6:38 and I am sitting here on my bed in the dark in pajama bottoms and a sports bra. I still have to do that DEAR project and AIDs pack [HAVE to] and get myself presentable for school. [Damn not being allowed to wear pajama pants! I may do it anyways…]

I should stop talking and just do. Oh fuck… Leave it up to me to have free time and spend it pointlessly.

But hey, it’s quirks like that that make me so lovable… Right?

the lonely embrace of winter

I don’t know exactly what it is about this season that makes it so depressing and empty, but, at least for me, there’s something.

It could be the lingering cold; the temperatures that plummet so low that you never fully thaw out from being exposed to them. Even indoors wrapped in the snuggest thickest sweaters or hiding under mountains of blankets, that frigid sensation still nibbles at some part of you deep down. That little part that yearns for summer…

More than that, I think it’s the lack of sun. That whole chemistry vitamin D thing comes into effect in a big way. Not to mention that the cold always seems just a little more bearable with the sun out. Once it’s night time that whole cold and stars and black expansive wide sky thing is just cliche in a nearly crippling way.

Whatever it is about winter, it leaves me in a horribly cynical, narcissistic, and depressed mood. Really, winter is the one time of year I should give in to the psychological demand from my brain for xanax and my bipolar medicine. [I’ve refused to be medicated for my neurological bullshit my whole life.] But I won’t give in to those just for winter either. I’m self-destructively stubborn. I am okay with this fact.

I’m not really okay with feeling like crap most of the time once cold weather seats itself firmly in my little northeastern atlantic climactic region, but I suppose I’ll just deal with it.

Probably by bitching a lot and compulsively blogging…

Hi WordPress. You’re favorite preachy teen angst queen is back.
/facepalm…

but i swear i’m not a cynic

I was on the phone with a friend of mine. She asked me what song I was listening to [that movie The Wedding Singer or whatever is on]. When I told her started laughing and talking about weddings and how she wouldn’t hire a wedding singer; she’d probably have a band and blah blah blah. So I told her there was a pretty decent chance I was never getting married. She was surprised almost to the point of outrage. And of course after long discussions I feel compelled to blog, so here I am.

Here’s the thing about female and weddings… The stereotypical female, which we all know I am not, has this fantasy wedding idea. They think of the venue, their dress, their song, all that shit. It’s perfect, in their heads. But big things like that just don’t go perfectly. SOMETHING, no matter how small, is going to go wrong at your wedding. Mark my words! That’s a promise I make to everyone that I will take to my grave.

Now if you’re chill, this doesn’t matter cause you just roll with whatever happens. Stereotypical female? Over-reactive, over-emotional, and nit picky about EVERYTHING. So what do you have? Wedding drama. Fabulous! And then it’s just “not what you had in your head /sadface”.

I’d almost prefer to skip the hassle, but that’s not part of why I may not get married. That’s just related to my lack of enthusiasm towards them. Don’t get me wrong, I think marriage in and of itself is a beautiful thing, just like love. But both have been bastardized by this sub-human at times culture we’ve wrapped ourselves up in full of lies and teens eager to “be in love” and fucking corruption and gold digging whores and pre-numps and HOLY FUCK SHIT.

I’ve never had a dream dress or dream wedding. In fact, closest I ever came to envisioning my own wedding as a young child was to decide my dress wouldn’t be pure white because I’m tan as fuck and it would have intricate beading and some lace accents, which I still think would be pretty if I could have my ideal. [I’ve never had an actual design in mind though… I rather hate dresses. I have broad shoulders for a girl and no boobs so I tend to shy away from the damn things.] When I was older I thought about weddings a little when I realized most Catholics marry in churches, and then again when I told this naive kid I dated that if I got married, it would probably be in a church. [I don’t know that that’s really true. I think I just wanted to dissuade him from thinking about us getting married.]

So many marriages end in divorce. I don’t think this is because marriage is stupid. It’s because people are in a rush to get married, as if being married makes your love more real. It doesn’t. In fact, it’s really a legal thing [religious for some I suppose…. but in that case you REALLY shouldn’t be jumping into marriage]. It takes years to get to know someone well enough to know that you could marry someone and be in a successful non-divorce ending in marriage. I believe you can fall in love with someone before that time, but not know you could marry them. [I think there are, tragically enough, also people out there who can fall in love but never be married successfully. Successfully = happy and without being divorced.]

If I’m going to marry someone I’m going to know that I love them, I’m IN love with them, and I could live with them for the rest of my life happily with them being happy too. That’s the only circumstance under which I will ever be married. Once I’m married I’m going to stay married. If I get divorced, that’s it. I’m joining the peace corps. or something. And if I fall in love again, so be it, but I won’t be married.

You don’t have to agree with my beliefs though. No one does. I know I come off as a cynic. I feel like at this point in life I almost have to be, to an extent, to filter out all the teenaged rose colored views on love and marriage and believing they are, or even myself is, in love or something. We’re young. We know SOO little about anything and nothing about being married or living with that person we think we could never live without out.

So forgive what seems like a truly cynical view. I’m all for marriage and love. I’m a romantic even, in my own way. I’m just… Very realistic.

So I may never be married, but that’s okay. Finding true love is the second most important thing in my life and only because it’s possible something else out there would make me happier. As long as I can live happy and die happy man… That’s all I care about.

[That’s why true musicians have it easy. True musicians put music before most things, and ALWAYS girlfriends. I would know… I date basically strictly musicians. And I respect that. They’ll always have their music to make them happy. In fact, I envy it. I wish I could be that passionate about playing music, but at this point in my life, I’m not that passionate about anything.]

i always get my way

I do I do. Even though SOMETIMES I do something stupid [like, say, this summer for example?]. And sometimes bad things happen, like me getting sick, that don’t necessarily contradict my will.

I hate school too, by the way. [I know you were wondering.]

oh shit! we’re still in maryland aren’t we?

Justin, aka my adopted brother, picked me up at 10:30 pm and returned me home at 3:30 am. What did we fill those 5 hours with? I’ll tell you…

We drove to Sheetz for water [Justin likes to be amusing and so he bought us evians] then got high. We drove into Holly and out route 94 [I think?] south and onwards and onwards….

Long stories short we went to Maryland and through into Virginia then back up to DC and back home. Only stops we made? A 7-11 in Thurmont and a Sheetz on the way back near the Mason-Dixon line. Then again at Sheetz on the pike in Carlisle before I got dropped off.

We talked a lot and came to a lot of amazing realizations. We also decided we rock. And such. And being alive is amazing. Mostly for us because we’re both good people who find beauty in strange and small things. And cause we can sit in his little BMW and drive to Virginia in the middle of the night for no reason singing along to Michelle Branch and Phish and Better Than Ezra and ridiculous shit.

Justin is my best friend without a doubt. I’ve known him for twelve years. We’ve never liked each other and we’re closer to each other than probably anyone else. Period. It’s pretty cool.

When we hit Pennsylvania we stopped in the middle of the highway since there was no traffic to take a picture of the sign. It was fun. Then right after we got off onto the two lane part of 94 16 or so miles outside of Carlisle Justin turns to me and says “you feel like driving?”

The answer was no. I was high. But he’d been driving for hours and obviously didn’t feel like driving so I drove Leopold [that’s the little 130i BMW’s name] into Holly and down that stupid road into Boiling Springs except we turned down Zion Road or what the shit ever and then onto Petersburg and across and up and to Claremont and Harmony Hall and to Sheetz blah blah blah.

We switched drivers again when Justin got gas and then we went through the car wash. TRI-COLOR FOAM IS AMAZING!

So now here I sit. I have to put some finishing touches on my room. Then I shall paint. Then I shall drive somewhere [maybe]. Need a shower too…

I can’t believe it’s the last two days of break. I’ve gotten no work done and I’m so not done having an amazing time. I’ve loved this break. To death. The whole thing, basically, has been one great thing. I’ve had awesome times with amazing people and I got my room cleaned finally.

Life has been on the upswing ever since I decided to go back to school and started trying to be a more responsible person. It’s truly paid off. Things just keep getting better. I keep waiting for that trent to end and life to be mediocre or bad, but it hasn’t. Sure I have the occasional bad day/experience but who doesn’t?

I know I’m finally living life right and I feel amazing. Always. I’ve never been this happy in my entire life. And for what reason? Because I’m me and I’m alive. That’s it. I’m just always happy. Fucking A man…

I kinda feel bad for the rest of humanity because I know most of them will never know this true simple happiness. They’ll just know bitterness working for survival and sure some good times, but they’ll mostly be worriers and fretters and stressed out.

I wish I could share this feeling with the world. Forever.

the immature ranty post

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I hate you. You are acting like a miserable fucking cunt. I cannot believe that after everything and all that “I’m so proud of you” bullshit you would get THIS mad at me and tell me I can’t admit when I make a mistake after YOU cancelled my plans with my sister. I may have made plans to see Twilight with Carrie last night but I TOLD you I would still go with Amy and you told me I wasn’t allowed. And that was fine then cause she was gonna find someone else to go with her. So I made other plans. But today when she can’t find someone else it’s all my fault and I blew her off even though I said yesterday I’d still go and said today I’d cancel my plans and go with her.

FUCK YOU YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH.

And yes, ranting like this is very immature. But it’s also the reason I’m typing it and not saying any of it to you. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

I haven’t been this mad at someone for almost a full month. Last time I was this pissed ties were permanently severed so I guess it’s a good thing you’re my mom.

You’re also lucky the car is still parked outside and I can control my actions. Some of us can keep our tempers under control though to those things and situations they don’t pertain to. I’m not gonna take off just because I’m pissed but I’m not talking to you either until I get an apology unless I have to. Will I probably retract that decision? Yes. Is it immature? Yes. Am I going to talk to you anymore today? Probably not.

Fucking bitch… I’m so mad right now…

here’s to sharing “secrets”

And continuing to hide the truth.
Cheers.

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