Archive for November, 2006

Have you ever watched the Gilmore Girls?

Even if you haven’t I have an interesting parallel for you…

So the performance is tonight. I was nervous, but I suddenly have this feeling like I’m just gonna be better than half the people. Not everyone cause there’s waaay better actors and actresses than me. I’m not even great. But I’m good.

And I glow.

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So I finally figured it out… The only way to come close to perfect is to put yourself out of your priorities or whatever. But, well, the thing is if we’re not all at least a tad selfish then we die and stuff. Course we all FORGET that when we ask other people to make it all about us.

See… Nothings fair which pisses me off because it’s totally possible for it to be… Just hard.

And… I dunno. I’m noticing things. I’ve decided I really can’t hide behind my mental things. I mean… I try not to but let’s face it… I do. I’ve also decided that my anxiety thing isn’t half as bad as I thought. I was pretty fine as a kid. I’ve always performed gracefully under stress… Till the shit with my mom and the financial and medical instability that continued for 4 years (and is still going on). I haven’t had a stable moment since and, yes, that was a fucking traumatizing incident.

Lemme tell you what… Taking care of my two little sisters, getting them to school everyday, keeping up the house, and keeping spirits up (my dad’s included who wouldn’t go to work which was the begining of all our really bad financial times… Just in time for when I need money… thanks life…)… That’s all hard. I have my dad telling me she’s not coming back and me convincing my sister’s otherwise and me having panic attacks. I tried to go to dad once… While I was sitting there having a SEVERE panic attack (I thought I was having a heart attack and a nervous breakdown all at once) he started talking about how this was how things would be from now on.

Lovely. But that’s all not the point.

Jason brought it up like 2 nights ago or something… Post traumatic stress disorder. Which makes a lot more sense than my anxiety issues suddenly being super severe. I’ve always gotten stomach aches. My mom did too when she was my age and younger. That I have. But I think I have the other one too. ESPECIALLY since I’ve had no real, stable time to cope with it.

I seem nutty and insane but I only am a little. Teenagers are nutty by nature. Hormones and such wonderful inventions. But mostly I’m over dramatic and a worrier and other things that make life hard. And probably cyclothymic which doesn’t help.

I hate how I always ask people to conform to things. (Well I really don’t so often or with many people at all though…) Yeah, I can be selfish. We all can. But I take people into consideration in almost everything I do and feel selfish saying “I wish they’d do the same!” cause the only one I ever seem to say that to is random whoever reads stuff I write and Jason, who does or at least tries to but is thoughtless and stressed and has his own shit to deal with.

I’m still too hard on him. I know it. But then I get upset and well yeah… But still I manage to get soo mad when he does the same thing.

Well, Jason you’re sleeping so here you go… You get my thoughts now. (So I really really hope you read this….) I think you were right about the cooling off before we talk thing… I dunno why we don’t do it. We’re just idiots I suppose. And I’m sorry for never letting you sleep and what not. I know you wouldn’t have said it if you weren’t pissed or whatever but that doesn’t make it untrue. It’s selfish of me to ask you to stay on the phone just so I can get to sleep after we get off though when you’re tired. I dunno. I just hate if I let you just go cause I can’t sleep then is disrupts my sleep then I’m in a bad mood at you when I wake up and you don’t know why and it’s a mess.

Not making excuses here… Just explaining. But you knew why. And I know me not sleeping doesn’t seem like a big thing to you but I’m usually in bed asleep by 11. And I get up at 6. And I usually, well lately, do go to bed after we get off the phone, so I’m getting the same amount of sleep as you sorta kinda.

And I have something else to say about what you said, but not on here. So just remind me to tell you something else about us fighting and about Monday. Well… nah I won’t say it. I just don’t wanna forget. Well okay so fine… Why is it that everyone’s parents can seem to do nothing but fight and be together but when we do it we consider it horribles and ourselves stupid? I mean if married people that have practice at this whole relation of seriousness thing fight then why shouldn’t we? I mean, we’re pretty close as far as relationships go so it’s kinda normal. And I mean people don’t just get a divorce just because someone always pisses someone else off so why should we let that be an excuse for… Monday? So it’s not the same and we aren’t like bound together by anything that official but still… That’s my thought and it stands. And I think it’s a damn good thought. And true. So get back to me ‘specially ’bout this one.

The rest of you… I dunno. I’m too tired to keep writing. I haven’t eaten all evening… WTF… I was gonna though? Points me.

It’s gonna bother me all day that my nails are wet now and will get fucked up and are like, 1/8 not painted on my right hand.

But if I do something now they’ll DEF. get totally screwed over.

My black nailpolish is dead. I’m unhappy. I would like more. Sharpie don’t cut it for me.

my early apology

Yes. I’m under loads of stress. I’m getting random ass severe head aches, migraines, chest pains and stomach aches (chest pains not helped by the fluid gathering in my lungs… I feel like I’m getting pneumonia again so let’s all hope I’m not. And yes, I’ve had it 6 times, I know what pneumonia feels like.). All of this is stress related (cept the maybe pneumonia which is from me not eating or sleeping right and being out in bad weather and from my immune system being weakened… which is from stress… so okay it’s all stress related by proxy).

The jist of it chances are you’ll all say something normal to me this week that will rub me the wrong way and send me into a rage and make me yell and be a bitch at you. Please don’t take it personally, and for the love of God, if you know what’s good for you (and me), swallow your pride and don’t yell back. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I would be eternally greatful if you could do this for me.

I’m not sleeping or eating right right now and I’m under an immense amount of stress. I keep having these severe ass mini meltdowns. My lack of sleep and my blood sugar being all roller coastery are going to make life interesting. So just bear with me here and sorry in advance.

(I wonder if it’s bear or bare or some other zany ass spelling?)

Honestly, I’m seriously sick of people for whom the world will bend on command putting themselves first.

Tonight I’m seriously too stressed for this… All things considered it could be worse but just ugh.

Firstly, there’s a certain someone who, you know, it would be nice if they mentioned that they WEREN’T doing stuff tonight rather than just let me think I was rushing them around for time… Yeah thanks for telling me that…

And then there’s my dad… King of the fucking world. May my entire family bend to his will. Okay so it’s a night tonight where we both get home at 6. (Him at 6, me after since I walk.)

And we both gotta get a shower. I wait till fucking 8:30… Partially out of laziness and partially because you’d think two and a half hours would be enough time for him to shower when he knows I need to cause I do it everynight (this is not a new thing here). But nope. He hasn’t had his shower and until he does I can’t take one despite the fact that once it hits 9 I’m basically banned from taking a shower that night (God knows why…). And seriously for him the day ends at 6. For me? No. I have fucking homework and bullshit to do.

And Jason’s pissed or something on top of all of it because I can’t just call him back at 10 if he wants to call me. Well despite what he may think uhm I like to have time to talk to him on the phone and I don’t just sit up all night like he must think. And yes I have a stupid queer ass phone curfew and no I can’t just keep using the other phone because I’m being seriously threatened with my phone being removed from my room.

So wtf… World, I’m sorry I can’t conform to your time constraints and your will (even though, call me crazy, but in this case I really don’t think I’m being unreasonable am I?).

I’m soo sick of having to bend and work around everyone else’s schedule. Duh, it’s gonna happen. But just once can’t someone take consideration of things I have to get done and work around me? Is that really so fucking much to ask? And is it so much to ask to know what’s going on with people? Like seriously is it too much for me to wanna know when Jason’s not doing something he normally does?

Hey, I really don’t think so.

I’m sick… I’m sick from being in the cold and from stress. I haven’t slept right or eaten right in days. I keep getting these severe and random headahes out of nowhere and stomach pains. I think it’s what was wrong this morning. My lung thing? That’s real sick. Everything else is because I am beyond my limits right now…

My break… There was like one part that wasn’t stressful. One part that was relaxing… And why can’t I ever chill out?

There’s too much to do. I can’t EVER get it all done. There’s not enough time and I swear I’m gonna land myself in the hospital trying. I’m seriously just gonna have a nervous breakdown.

Yes… It’s either going to be insanely calm or extremely dramatic.

I’m either going to kick my door an insane amount of times and rip things off my walls and punch them and cry and scream and thrash and pull my hair out, or I’m just going to sit down with a dazed look and start breathing funny and shaking and making little noises and it’ll just escalate till I’m like having a spaz attack or something.

Tonight… Tonight sent me over the edge. I’m seriously just freaking out right about now. My head is pounding and I can’t get one damn thought straight and I don’t know what to do and I’m going crazy… Literally or something.

All right… So I have to finish my writing, fix up my xanga (no not all of these are like HAVE to things but if I don’t do them they’ll bug me), fix my computers (still….), talk to mom about Friday and something else, take a shower… Stuff stuff too much fucking stuff…

I have to know things. So do me a favor and would everyone fucking stop waiting until the last minute to fucking tell me things are going on and what you’re planning on doing?!?!

I hate loathe despise changing things at the last minute because you fucking absent minded twits can’t keep a thought straight long enough to tell me when something’s going on that I should know about. And that applies to a fucking lot of people! I don’t like doing things last minute. That’s stupid. If I can remember to tell you guys shit, at least do me the in return. Fucking christ it’s not a lot to ask!

Sorry if I’m being a bitch but damnit I’m sick of being the only one that gives a damn. I keep track of everything. It’s a task I do with pleasure cause I like to be informed about people I care about. The other half of that is selfish because, yes, I plan EVERYTHING (almost) ahead because I’m just like that.

Selfish, selfless… You pick. I’m finally taking my shower (fucking 5 minutes to 9… What the fuck….).

EEEP!

In four hours my blog will be “temporarily unavilable” while database maintenance is performed?!?!

Okay the dashboard… but close enough… I think that means I can’t update. =[

Anyways the point of this is that uhm I went back to Xanga. =]

Which makes me happier than I thought. Cause I wasn’t like “no must break xanga addiction!”. It was more like “this is boring I quit”. But now I’m back and it’s pretty cool.

Now I need to take a shower and come back and do homework and fix up my xanga and bitch on here about my hectic week and omg do you know how redundant it is to put things on here AND myspace AND xanga now? >.< *dies*

Find my xanga. Be my friend on myspace. Read my blog.

Get immersed in my life. It’s soo worth it.

By the way, I found out I’m stupid for looking at my feed stats because who views shit in RSS? So I found the actual blog stats and people read this. I’m impressed. Two thumbs up guys! Love. =]

secure them in their dreamland…

Off school since Tuesday and NOW we have to go back? Why not tomorrow? (or never…)

So I have gym today and Shakespeare till 6. Rawr ergh… Then tomorrow is Shakespeare till 6 again. Then Thursday is performance night (you don’t have to ask because after last year you KNOW I have stage fright all to hell and back thgskld).

The Friday is gym. Hey but what’s going on this weekend?

…This is peculiar… I usually know these things…

What’s with the me getting on wordpress and finding all these settings changed or completely gone? WTF people that run wordpress?

Makes me sad… Very sad…

I have a tummy ache and a headache REALLY bad and my chest is tight. I want my stupid fish.

Ew have you ever eaten like fishsticks? Why are they sooo gross anyways… Not cool.

I love him. I do. More than anything. He means the world and more to me. And I hope he never forgets that even when I’m a bitch and even when things get rough.

Things haven’t been so great lately, but they’re getting better. Especially after today.

Today was rough… I gotta ease up some… See there’s the girls that complain about every little thing and drive their boyfriends away. Then there’s girls that have ten thousand and almost never say something so they just randomly break up with their boyfriends someday. I wanna be somewhere in the middle. But I have pride and a fear of being walked on (like I was by a certain ex boyfriend who needs not be mentioned). I need to chill that. It’s hard. It’s always gonna be hard for me… Least till I grow up some. (Yeah THAT’LL really happen…)

I don’t want a day like today to EVER come again. That was scary as hell to me. I thought I was gonna lose the one thing I hold closest to me…

Yeah, some of what I heard kinda hurt… But it was all true. =/

We’re two very different people on the outside but we’re a lot the same too. But we have different priorities and values I guess… Which makes it hard to work around each other sometimes. But I think know we can do it.

I want things to work. And we all know when I want something, damnit, I get it. I’m too stubborn to let this not work for any longer. I would tell fate just to try to beat me but then it would make something bad happen.

I guess whatever’s gonna happen is gonna happen. I can’t change that. Everything happens for a reason. Today included? I’m not sure how, but it’s all part of the grand scheme of things. And nothing ever happens that is beyond your absolute abilitiy to handle.

Two things I believe whole-heartedly. But I don’t wanna test the latter of the two on this. I refuse. So let’s not even bother testing the limits… See since I’m irrational I get pushed to edge REALLY easily and get upset, but my limits are farther out than his are. He’s on the edge, and his limit is getting pushed over it (well a little more than that because I know I’ve driven him over the edge before). See, I hit rock bottom, but till the earth splits open and swallows me up and I die I’m gonna hold on.

I could be completely wrong, but I don’t think so.

“What’s best.” That’s a peculiar phrase when you think about it…

Random “fun” fact: I pull my eyelashes out when I’m stressed out. Like right now. It’s a dreadful habit.

I’ll always be with you. Even if it’s just my spirit. I’ll never leave your side. Not ever. I promise.

Man. I was an amazing writer with amazingly sadistic plot twists.

WTF? It’s after 2:30 and I’m sitting up reading old shit I wrote… W and T and F to self…

But damnit I wrote really sweet sappy romantic stuff… I guess that’s what happened to the nice in me yeah?

Back in the days when I was a stupid anime fag and I was dating Connor Gibson (which I only know because it was in my profile GAG ME PLEASE) this is some of what I had to put in my profile… Laugh. I did. Well okay… Actually I agree with the part that goes “musician without too much regard for what other people think”. That’s it though. And YES, I copy pasted this from where it was and edited nothing. Everything in parenthesis was there to begin with.

“Okay, so I’m a fourteen year old rebel-wihtout-a-cause, ex-cutter, authoress, musician without too much regard for what other people think. I’m basically a hard to handle problem child punk ass little bitch. . What can I say?

Time forrandom quotes from yours truly, Sarah theTwisted.

“Moron.”

“Don’t (insert command here) or I’ll kill you.”

“Fag” (Okay this isn’t cause I’m against gays or lesbians… I just use it a lot)

“Fuck you.”

“That’s NOT how I meant it!”

“It’s not bad music.”

“My momIS a psychotic bitch.”

“Lol.” (Don’t we all use THAT one…)

“Yeah… sure. Whatever.”

“Leave me the fuck alone.”

“Demon, I hate you.”

“Ikinda wish I was dead.”

“You’re violent.”

“Get lost.”

“I’m SOO sorry.” (Which contradicts my philosophy in life of living with no regrets… But I’m usually apologizing for other peopel so it’s okay.)”

Ahem well okay that’s the end of the copy pastedness… But scary right? I used to be waaaaay more emo than I am now believe it or not… I was a very angsty emo little anime fag… Geezuse…. >.<

Trans Siberian Orchestra makes me smile.

So let’s see… The Adventures of Sarah Vs. The Computers…

So first I had to battle the shitty way in which Compaq designs it’s case and arranges it’s hardware. I had to rip the plastic casing off the fucking front just to slide the god damn CD drive out which has stupid little things on the side. Stupidest piece of shit I’ve ever seen… And btw the hard drive is in a little pocket in the front laying vertically. Yeah… That’s dumb. [Hey it’s The Josephine Love Letter!] But I got that all taken care of. Step Two: Burn a DVD with part of my music library to start transfering just under {I had 3 paragraphs past this tpyed that my computer just deleted for no reason and THAT pisses me off to no end… just throwing that out there} 15GBs of music to my other computer.

Well I guess I used to wrong Roxio setting because it broke my files all up and was stupid at me. Okay gay. So I go back and reburned it. Take it to my computer and it decides to be spastic and not read my DVD. So then I proceed to try to network my laptop to my computer. My and two phone lines and the internet and command prompts and things not working. I think I kinda knew all along what I was doing wouldn’t work but I kept going anyways (here is where I let you call me a dumbass because I kinda was). So okay fine. I decide to install Roxio in case it’s a software problem and not a problem with my drive.

So the key doesn’t work. -.- I go to a key site and THAT doesn’t work. Okay so I try to install WinDVD which goes over horribly since it needs a key and the case is lost. So I go back to the site. Well next thing you know there’s bubbles popping up at me going “AHH CRITICAL SYSTEM ERRORS OMG YOU’RE COMPUTERS GOING TO DIE BECAUSE JESUS DOESN’T LOVE YOU!” and I was like “AH OMFG WTF?”.

Actually I paced back and forth saying fuck progressively louder and louder for about two minutes jumping and spazzing included before I called Jason to spaz. Well so I went on for an hour and half trying to install things on this laptop here and watching the bubble come up again and again and open programs without my consent. Then I was like “why don’t I just do a sys restore?'”. I honestly didn’t figure it’d help any considering the nature of my problem.

Yeah well that process took about 3 minutes total and fixed the problem… I know wtf…

Then I got DVD something or another on the other computer and it STILL won’t read my DVD.

So about 12:30 rolled around about 50 minutes ago. That’s when I quit for the night.

3 pm – 12:30 am… 9 and a half hours of computer hell.

I’ll be so glad when this is all over… I hate technology.

They’re hanging mistletoe. They kiss. Why that looks so unique. Inspired. They’re gathering around to hear a story. Roasting chestnuts on a fire. What’s this? In here. They’ve got a little tree. How queer. And who would ever think. And why? They’re covering it with tiny little things. They’ve got electric lights on strings. And there’s a smile on everyone. So now correct me if I’m wrong. This looks like fun! This looks like fun! Oh could it be I got my wish? What’s this?

It’s 1:25 am and I should go to bed because I have to get up at 8. But do you think I’m going to bed? (I’ll give you a hint.. the answers no.)

Holy begeezus.

My music is amazing. My not laptop computer (of whose better name I can’t quite remember) has a spastic hard drive.

Things aren’t looking good in iPod land.

In the words of Karen, just shoot me.

It’s 3:10 am. And why am I awake again? Don’t ask…

I’m exceptionally miserable… I mean much more than usual… Like right when I thought things were okay… They’re not. Maybe they never will be. And I can’t keep doing this. I was so happy damnit. Everything was fine and I was in a great mood and everything was good. And now just look at things… Why is this all such a mess? I seriously can’t do this… It’s tearing me apart inside. And let that sound emo. I don’t really care how anything sounds right now.

It’s Sunday. This break has been a disaster… So much for… everything.

Why was the happiest time I had this break the time when I was half an hour drive away and couldn’t talk to him? It’s not supposed to be like that…

And everything just got worse…

what the hell am I supposed to do anyways? Rearrange everything to see him?

Seriously, if he’s busy he gets mad at me for trying to see him… But as soon as I go anywhere he wants to know when I’ll be home and what not… The same as I ask of him… So wtf?

I’ve been HAPPY about seeing Carrie and Chelsea and Laura the past chunk of time. I mean… One was out of need to be away from here…

I don’t really know what to say about anything. I can’t say much of anything without sounding emo, but hell why not? I’m depressed. So let me sound emo then.

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

Correction:

Replace all “Sarah”s with “Liam” mmkays?

It has to be. So deal.

OMGSH.

So seriously the bonfire was pretty cool. First me, Liz, Carrie and Michelle sat in a circle and sang stupid song. Then me and Carrie and Liz got belted together and stood there for an hour singing and rotating and got yelled at. Oh geeze that fun sucking woman. (Call me a bitch. I am.)

Ehm me and Carrie convinced Jason to make us hot dogs. Ehehe. Yay us! And uhm we went in the woods. Me and Carrie died some. And we all (Nate, Liz, me, Jason, Wes, Michelle and Carrie) took Carrie home and chilled in her house for a tad. I love Carrie’s house and her incredible pettable mother.

And man I looked so cute today. Oh rawr. And my PJ’s are sexyful. (God I’m in an amazing mood and so completely full of myself!)

So back to bonfire… I actually played guitar around people (that never happens because I honestly don’t think I’m very good). Tonight I was really good. I surprised me. I was thrilled by it. Accoustic guitars are easy to play now for some reason…

Hm… I burned my knees for the sake of playing a Pink Floyd song. It was worth it.

Spent the last like hour just laying around with Jason which I’m supposing was good as I haven’t seen him for like 3 days or something silly? Okay a little less than that. I exagerate a lot of times in my life. And can’t spell exaggerate. Two g’s? Oh I dunno.

Ahaha. G’s… And homies. Oh wow. I’m amazing.

There’s this kid on myspace that tells me I’m cute all the time. I like attention.

Wes tickled my leg. It was bizarre. And uhm… hm…

I dunno… I smell like burning wood and that’s gotta be like the best smell in the entire universe.

So… I should go like eat or do something? Beats Sarah. Ooh you wanna beat Sarah don’t you?

WTF self…

possibly the only evidence (besides DNA) that Amy is my sister

“If you don’t like it, pretend you never read it and move on with your lives.” – Amy

Hm… Now what sarcastic and something writer does that sound like? ME!

Awww my sister’s really cool on the internet (to me).

5:25 am

Jason freaken Smith I hope you’re reading this because there was just a kid on the Disney Channel with a shirt like your pretty green one and it made my eyes go 0.0 and such.

…In other news I’m watching Lilo and Stitch and Jake Long is on it and that makes me wanna fall in a hole and die.

WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL UP?!

Oh yeah. I stayed up past being tired. I’m wide awake again.

Or maybe it was the food… *shrugs*

well THIS literally made my night

I’m in love with The Academy Is… now. AND best yet…

1] I obviously lied about this being Jack White. It’s William Beckett. Yes, I’m stupid. But by the time I saw this video I mean… Well he used to have short hair and so yeah… From far away it’s an easy mistake! …It still kinda looks like Jack to me…

2] See the pretty one in the very front with the ripped shirt and the yummy shaggy hair (shaggy hair = the sexiest thing invented by the Gods of hair)? That’s William Beckett.

He’s only 21.

We could be friends.

In case you didn’t figure it out, it’s very early in the morning and I’m starving, exhausted slash tired slash half asleep and therefore psychotic (obv.) and very dehydrated. That has nothing to do with anything; just thought I’d throw it in.

But how cool would it be if I somehow magically befriended William Beckett?

I must be dreaming. Wake up, Jack. This isn’t fair.

“Teenagers scare the living shit out of me. They could care less.” – MCR. OOh yay. The Black Parade isn’t alllll bad (just a lot).

I called Jason two hours ago. It made me go from my very good and Christmassy mood to unhappy.

I went for a walk and it was cold. I didn’t bother to put anything on over my beater and just wore sandals.

Yeah… I didn’t get far.

My room is all decked out for Christmas.

I found Sunny Boo’s little prayer thing and his collar. It made me cry. I miss my kitty boo a lot. I love my Patch, don’t get me wrong. And I love the other kitties. I even love Chase [even though I can’t bring her inside =( that makes me sad]. But none of them will EVER be ANYTHING like Sunny (even though Chase is really snuggly and sweet ❤ ).

I miss my kitty most around holidays (well and when I’m sad). Me and Sunny used to chill with the Christmas lights and he used to try to eat my tree and the real tree and the ornaments.

This is Patch’s third Christmas. He likes to bite and scratch me and climb the tree and knock it over three times…

My Christmas lights blink, but it’s kinda getting annoying at me. I wanna take the blinky light out… But I’m too lazy.

I’m hungry and bored and maybe a little tiny bit tired. But I have new music and I wanna watch The Nightmare Before Christmas tomorrow. It’d make me happy.

For now, I suppose I’m gonna go find something to do or maybe sleep.

I kinda wanna make cinna-cocoa coffee. It’s super fab.

I changed my name to Liam. Thought you’d wanna know.

And William Beckett is amazing. And so is The Academy Is…

Me and CC are going to Warped Tour ’07. Fucking right. I’m excited.

CC and Liam go see William Beckett (hopefully TAI will be there) with [insert name of whoever takes us slash goes with us here] and scream like littler girls than they are.

Amazing.

I’m REALLY going now though… Ta-ta.

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