Archive for December, 2006

PS: Fuck you.

And anyone that gets on my nerves tonight is getting backhanded. Don’t believe me?

Believe it. Given they have to get on my nerves a lot for that to happen I’m must less patient today. I’m running on few hours of sleep as I was up all night doing math homework and NOT sleeping.

So don’t try any fancy stuff tonight. You’ll regret it.

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To my few loyal readers: Happy New Year!!! =]

And thanks for reading my mindless dribble and ranting over the last few months.

I have no idea who you are (except you Jason… sometimes) but you rock never the less.

Now, if you’ll kindly excuse me, I have a party to be attending… It doesn’t start for a while, but I don’t do fashionably late. I do be before everyone else even thinks of double checking their mascara in the mirror. By the way, I don’t wear mascara.

Aw, hell, I have time for a list of resolutions. So how bout I make one. Seriously, this is quite off the top of my head.

New Year’s Resolutions 2007:

-take more responsibility for things
-make school work a priority
-spend more time with my friends
-stop being so controlling

…Okay this is a gay fucking list. I might as well tell you now. Oops nevermind. There’s the cell! Bye!

“Like omg you never replied to my message?” “You never comment me.” “Comment my pics!!!” “pc4pc”

I’m sooo sick of comment whores on myspace. I mean, yeah, it’s not like I’ve never been like “new pics. comment!” but I’m not one to post 20 bulletins about the same 2 fucking pictures. Nor do I care whether or not you comment me or message me or respond. Look at this thing. I don’t even know that anyone reads this. But that hasn’t stopped me from using it. You don’t see me going “omg comment my blog?” because COMMENTS AREN’T IMPORTANT.

Christ… It’s 3 am and I’m not even tired… This sucks.

Let’s play what did Sarah eat today. Today Sarah ate half a cinnamon bun, 2 Reese’s cups, 2 pieces of chocolate with caramel and some weird little nut. Oh and juice. Who can forget juice and water. -.- It took me until almost 1 am to make some food that was worth eating… two pieces of chicken.

Onto another note…

Don’t you ever fucking understimate me again.

I’m just a great actress. And you only know half the fucking story.

Don’t make assumptions. You’re wrong. Dead fucking wrong.

People piss me off sometimes you know… But there’s a secret reason for that.

mesh and lace; fishnets and malice; such grace

And why is everything here so fucked up…

I feel like dirt, so I hope everyone’s happy.

I’m not an idiot. I should’ve figured this out a long time ago…

I’m completely right.

I need to get away from here. I need to find my brother. Or Kevin. Or Kelly. Or Livy… I miss Livy sooo much right now. She was like an older sister to me. Olivia, where ever you are, Oregon or otherwise, I miss you and I love you.

Rachel’s gone. Olivia’s gone. Brandy’s gone. Both of them. Danielle’s gone.

Yeah well… Someday…. Someday it’s gonna happen. Just like… Doesn’t matter to you. You don’t need to know. No one needs to know but me. No one will ever know but me. Right… Wrong… Right… Left… Wrong… Right. Mmmm…

I’ll be alone dancing. You know it baby. Rain keeps falling down. Will you recognize me? Call my name or walk on by? Rain keeps falling down, down, down. I’ll be alone. Dancing. You know it baby.

She sets the summer sun on fire.

I miss the beaches. I miss ferris wheels and vanilla soft serve. I miss french fries with too much salt and seagulls. I miss the cold salty breeze at 8 oclock and the sunset. I miss the arcade. I miss the long streets and the alleys that connect and confuse the hell out of me. I miss the archways and the cobblestones. I miss the little hidden corner store with all the knick knacks. I miss the white stone steps with the bent black rail that got perfectly warm in the day. I miss the tiny parking lot with the little bushes. I miss that stupid house with the bay windows and the sun room. I miss that stupid frilly white dog and the parrot. I miss Leonora and Sarah and Bunky and Pete. I miss the XL-7. I miss the little red toyota too.

I miss old what’s-her-name. I miss hammocks and baseball fields. I miss buses that pulled right up to the school. I miss checkers at approximately 3:20 pm every day. I miss dominos. I miss mock trials featuring 11 year olds. I miss kick ball and wall ball and that big stupid map. I miss studying the works of Van Gough and Monet. I miss haunted houses. I miss candy. I miss shin kicking! And that fucking retarded gray blue wall.

I miss fudge in a pink box. I miss sweet sour multi-colored fishies. I miss the stupid roof top pool. The one with the glass roof that looked out over the horizon… And you could see a line of evergreens on the horizon. The sky was gray and then it rained but it was okay because it sounded great on the glass roof. The pool was warm. The door that led to the stairs was heavy and metal and had one of those push handle. I was 4 I do believe when we stayed there. But I remember it better than anything else.

I wanna get the fuck out of here. I wanna run down the beach again. I wanna chat with the locals and be allowed out late enough for the haunted house to open up. I wanna go sit in that stupid little bar with the yellow windows again. I wanna walk down the boardwalk barefoot and in just my bikini until someone catches me and makes me cover up. I wanna sit under the boardwalk with my friends. I wanna skate down the sidewalks and around the fountain in the square.

God I miss the beach. I miss elementary school. I miss the thousands of Canadian coins that are on the ground in New York. I miss the horses. I miss the stupid boat that goes up to where the three rivers meet. And saying the one with the M that I can’t spell. I miss escalators and Mister Roger’s life sized neighborhood.

If I could go back, maybe I would. I had my complaints but at the end of the day I could sit on the bench at the boardwalk, or in the car with a CD in watching the sun set, or walking home throwing snowballs at old friends, or sit in a pool and go to sleep on the floor, or eat a grilled dinner by the pool, go for a swim while the sun sets, and crash in the room with my friends and the curtains wide open.

I need to vacation again and I’ll be damned if I’m not gonna go this year. I’ll find a way. I’m getting out again though. I’m gonna be that girl again. I need to be her again.

Silver white winters don’t always melt into spring.

[Sometimes there’s just a break in the winter frost… A warm snap. A common mistake if you’re me.]

wouldn’t you love somebody to love?

iPod on shuffle are rad.

Mannnnn I was supposed to be gone by now…. I’m sooo fucking bored. Rawr… Phone call time.

she puts on her make up the same way she did yesterday; everythings the same

So honestly… Wtf is wrong with me? Why is this such a big thing for me?

Oh yeah, because that said that.

I realize none of this makes sense to any of you. And if you think you know what I mean, you’re wrong because I haven’t told anyone. It’s not anything bad I mean. It’s just a personal thought? I suppose. Or feeling? One of those sorts of things.

I was psyched about this until recently when I realized I was being an idiot for it. And realized how wrong I am. And just… That’s gonna fall apart. That is too but that has nothing to do with this (by the way, no, I’m talking about relationships between people here… just thought I should clarify before you go making assumptions…).

…how the fuck is this even supposed to work? Has everyone gone stark raving fucking mad?

Obv. I mean it’s not like this is gonna… Well I shouldn’t say that but… Well that doesn’t matter (you must be quite confused by now…).

Don’t waste your time on me… [too much blink…]

Maybe babbling kinda sorta but my head is in ten different places. I have this gay ass mandelbrot thing, a room to clean, a sore ankle, a swollen foot, and this extreme urge to go out and skate…. and it’s fucking 12:30 am… So wtf self? Everything is going so stupid…

Seriously, I miss last year so much. Being a stupid freshman rocked. We were annoying and dramatic and stupid. But we weren’t nearly as cliquish or bitchy to each other. We were dramatic in stupid ways that we could laugh about. And now we can’t.

When did we all change into such fuckheads? [That’s my new insult btw… Watch for it. Coming to a hallway near you. Or something.] {Gah why is there Pink Floyd playing through my speakers?}

So little sleep again tonight? It’s looking that way right now. But since I’m too tired to do anything constructive I’ll probably go to bed.

…or call Justin… but probably go to bed. ….or play guitar…. Oops… Someone didn’t get their… Oh wait I actually DID get an odd hour in today. Fucking right cunts.

Fuck is one of my favorite words. FYI. It rocks. I rock. (Iran. Lmao Nate Smith rocks.)

I have The Nightmare Before Christmas on DVD. I wanna watch it now. The question is where the fuck did I put it..

Or maybe I’ll sit up and play Mario kart.

Boys are so dumb… -.- I hate penii. Lesbonic dance part II… coming to an AIM conversation near you.

But not to you. Unless you are Michelle.

don’t worry i’ll catch you…

Straight from xanga. PS: So like I’m talking to Michelle and I haven’t for a while and I talked to Nate for 4 hours last night. And both of these things are good.

And now what I wrote on la xang de bang. =] le francais mes amis!

If you know me, then you know that I’m a pretty awesome person.
[You also know that I’m an emotional wreck and a basket case.]
If you know me, you know that I try really hard to please everyone.
[Myself included, cause I can be a self-absorbed bitch.]
If  you know me, you know I try not to play myself off as the victim.
[And I probably do it more than I even realize. Sorry. Honestly.]
If you know me, you know I’ve matured a lot over the last year.
[And made a lot of ugly realizations about how flawed I really am.]
If you know me, you know I’m a smart person who recognizes her flaws.
[But doesn’t always do everything to fix them. Or try to change.]
You probably know I’m pretty opionated and don’t care what people think.
[Except like most people, yeah I do to an extent.]
You know I think talking about people behind their back is bullshit.
[And that I do the same damn thing like we all fucking do. Admit it.]
You know I have a lot of good advice and explanations for things.
[That I don’t always follow and that don’t change how I feel in the same situations.]
You know that I’ll answer my phone for anyone at 3 am. That’s what friends are for.
[You also know that I have a habit of calling and waking people at 3 am.]

When I say things, they’re for real. I’m only human though like the rest of you. I can give great advice or say insightful things sometimes, but I have real trouble controlling my emotions are how I feel about things that go on in my life. It’s really hard for me to understand stuff sometimes and not just get upset about it. I’m trying to be a better person, but everything comes in due time my friends.

People don’t change over night, and outside of my emotional instability, I’m really not so bad. I get upset and jealous over the stupidest little thing [on the flip side do I get any credit at all for recognizing I do these things and admitting to them?]. I’ve gathered some wisdome and maturity in my 16 years, but there’s a lot I still don’t understand and a lotta stuff I don’t know and a lotta things I don’t do that are signs of immaturity in  me still.

I know. You don’t have to tell me. I have a lot of character flaws. It’s true. Don’t try to tell me I’m awesome. I know I’m awesome. I’m pretty fucking amazing. Well, maybe not amazing, but most def. awesome. I’m smart, if you don’t think I’m pretty at the very very least I’m def. not ugly, I don’t just own a guitar… I play one too, and the same goes for my skateboard (albeit neither well). I value my friends over like everything. I have an appreciation for the music I don’t like, and I like a lot of music. I don’t care if you like it or not.

I’m rad. There’s no denying it. But my radness and friendship comes with a burden; my psychotic side. The side of me that could probably be better, and continues to get that way over time, but for now is shaky and insane. Not like truly crazy of course, but more emotional than most people. And it’s true. And it’s not cool. But we’re all dealt hands in life we don’t like, and that’s one of mine. No one else likes it either.

We all make sacrifices for each other though and most of us will get better at it… We will if we’re any sort of decent human being at the least.

I know… I barely use xanga anymore and then suddenly here’s this longwinded rant. (Long time no see right?)

Well, I got 4 hours of sleep last night and had a very interesting night. It ended with me calling Nate and him calling me back and us being on the phone for almost 4 hours and talking about a shitload of stuff. And so… Yeah. That’s all the explanation you need, since I’m not obligated to give you one anyways. I’m just nice like that.

Don’t look back. You can never look back…

Ouch. My stomach hurts. My chest hurts. I don’t like this happening.

Everything else I can work around you told me.

If working around means yelling at me and leaving me like this twice in one week. And I do mean leaving. I find it hard to believe that anyone that loved someone could possibly just leave them like this. Am I wrong for feeling like that?

I wonder if Justin’s still awake…

It’s inevitable. (I might not be able to spell either.) Does the “s” mean “is” or “was”?
Or maybe it’s both.

Maybe I’m sick of the way things work, but can’t seem to find anything to break this ridiculous cycle.

You think you got the answer? I got ten bucks says your dead wrong.

God… And lastly, I got woke up by someone calling my old phone four fucking times. And then my new phone. Yeah, like after you’ve woken me up and then called my old phone 4 times when you had my new number I’m gonna answer when you call the new one.

Dream on… Damnit. Not cool.

Christmas wasn’t a TOTAL bust afterall… But now it’s 8:30 and the next few hours are gonna drag on and on and onnnn….

Where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

This is turning out to be such a shitty Christmas. Seriously, I feel like crap.

Jason’s a stiff. (as in dead)

Snowman suicide is fucking hilarious.

this is the highlight of my day

Last year I really wanted one thing for Christmas. Last year I was looking forward to Christmas.

I don’t even remember Christmas day from last year. I have no idea what I got. Not surprising.

Pretty much the last few Christmas’s are blocked from my memory… I bet I know why.

Wanna know my secret?

I’d give anything to be 5 again… To be innocent. To have soft features and little hands. To spin around in the snow without a care in the world. For everything to be simple again…

I don’t even have any Christmas spirit. I’ve spent the last 2 days and an evening depressed and crying and wishing Christmas was just over with. I hate that it is this way.

Wake up. Think fast. No sleep. No excuses.

Fact: I hate cherries. A lot. This one went in the trash.

5:14 am… Bedtime… Soon…

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