Archive for January, 2007

you’re skin and bones I’m a nervous wreck

God so last night… man that was interesting.

And today after school. Yeah.

So my courses? AP English, AP US government and politics, Geo. Environmental option III, pre-calc (or math analysis… that one’s up in the air right now… and if I start working next month and it’s offered I’m taking pre-calc in the summer), psychology, gym (ew), and AP stat. maybe. And MUN? (not that it’s a class) And maybe… well not mentioning that just yet. =]

Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.

On the bright side, my box got a silver key in scholastic which I dunno… I mean it’s cool, but I still never thought it was amazing. Everything I write or create that I love everyone thinks is mediocre and everything I don’t like so much they adore. WTF losers.

Hm… So you’re being a bitch, you’re a slut, you’re a liar and fake, you’re a dimwit, you have 10 different faces, you’ve changed too much, you’re too chill, you’re too uptight, you’re too shady, you’re too charming and manipulative, you’re too burnt out, you’re too falling through the cracksesque, you’re too quiet, you don’t work up to your full potential.

YOU ALL FUCKING SUCK.

Indeed.

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So my computer is fucked up again. I took apart the keyboard and fixed the down key but now the “n” is fucked up. Pain in my ass.

On the bright side I totally convinced my French teacher to review twice for the test AND to play a game at the end of class instead of bookwork. I believe the conversation went something like…

Monique (that’s me): Mr. Helman can we play zut for the last six minutes?
Mr. Helman: Well I dunno… I kinda had something planned. (all of this in his very weird smiley way)
::But Mr. Helman anything we do in the next 6 minutes none of us are gonna remember. And we all did really good on that vocab quiz… or at least I did and I speak for everyone.
::Well, okay it would be good review of our numbers.

Hook, line, and sinker. I’m amazing?

Next order of business, Karl Marx was such a weird guy. I hate capitalism. I hate communism. I hate socialism. I’m forming my own system of government… thing.

I understand chem. I hate gym (well… long story =] ).

Mushroom chairs fit two small people. Grammar’s a breeze. I have no homework and my book for english is short.

Why am I so depressed?

I’m sure by the time I get home from school it’ll be back to normal but for now my internet is running like it did on my laptop which is sooo nice. =] I adore it.

In other news, Jason is a horrible mean telegraph clicky thing. And it’s not nice to make your girlfriend worry. Never nice to do that.

And I don’t care what your reasons were, you didn’t want me there or you would’ve put me there… Did you not want a certain group of people to know about me?

Say… people you only talk to online? Like a certain “m” someone?

But I’m not mad… Just confused.

And now there’s people IN the car so I’m off to school…

fascist nation

Next year’s courses: AP English, Pre-Calculus, Civics, Geo. Environmental, Psychology, Honors French, PE, some random art class. Yes it’s 8. Yes it’s right.

Plus Shakespeare, c.s. hours for civics and probably NHS *crosses fingers*, and maybe MUN (but maybe not).

So I got wireless on my desktop but it sucks. =[ I want my laptop back.

I forgot how much I love soad.

Yesterday day sucked by night was okay/good.

Today day was good/okay and this evening bites. Same with lunch. 2 out of 8 people? You’re all getting shanked tomorrow…

Bastards. How many of you were really sick anyways…

I hate getting the urge to do something good but being in like 1st period or something so by the time I get home or get the chance to do it, the urge is gone and I just wanna be lazy.

And fuck course selections.

Let’s see if I can sort this out… AP English, PE and whatever goes with that (nothing? that would be nice…), Civics, Geo. Environmental, Psychology and past that I dunno. I kinda wanna take Honors French. I wanna take music theory I. I should take a math class… I should talk to someone who knows what they’re talking about, so I think I’ll schedule something with the school counselors (call me lame or whatever, but they know what they’re talking about as far as credits and course selections and college applications and transcripts go).

I have orange soda, no laptop, and no homework… Sighing.

So here’s the deal with la laptop… thing. Apparently the power jack in the back was loose so my dad resautered the damn thing. But there was still some problem with the voltage levels or something to that affect. Apparently there’s also a problem with my power cable. So we’re getting a new one of those. I also possibly friend my processor or my power supply or motherboard? So that’s not cool… I’m kinda unhappy about that whole string of discoveries and occurences.

So the earliest I get my laptop back is probably Friday. Possibly sooner if my dad finds some miracle little issue and fixes it… But not holding my breath. I was hoping that would be today but I came home to find that he never went to work in the first place which is not what I really wanted to find.

So school’s been a drag… No snow days or delays yet which is gettin me down. In a 24 hour period of time I ate a scoop of gelato… And that was it. I’m getting sick off and on from the stress and I’m not sleeping (or eating obv.) right so really truly something’s gotta give.

Around my house everyone seems to be getting pissed off at me for no reason and I say that because I really stay out of everyone’s way but I’m always at their disposal if they need me… so wtf.

I have math homework and chemistry so I oughta go do that or something…. I feel sick, greasy, confused, and stressed.

Ever wanted to crawl under a rock and sleep for a month or so? I do.

I have a plan that involves the circumstances of things not improving sometime in the next 2 weeks, give or take a few days. I don’t want those circumstances, but if they arise, I’m throwing some essentials in a backpack and taking off for a couple of days. I’ll be back no worries. But I’m not putting up with this forever.

So who feels like an adventure?

Morning… ergh afternoon…

So I dunno if you’re suffering me withdrawal but I’m suddenly drawing and being artsy like a maniac and sounding like a xerox of someone else in my blog posts… I need my laptop, music, and own little boxed in culture… IE my laptop…

However the problem is probably figured out (dear God help me…) and if I’m gonna start having any luck at all it’ll be tomorrow… School will be good and my laptop will be fixed. Keep your fingers crossed because without my laptop my days are long, draggy and laggy and I’m slowing losing my mind.

Although I suppose now I’m losing it faster than I was before… Whatever.

iPods suck. Broken laptops suck.

JANUARY FUCKING SUCKS.

So I’m supposed to be on here to do schoolwork… Bakc to the grindstone…

So for the very few of you slash none of you that read this and not my myspace or xanga, here’s your annoucement. My laptop power supply is dead. It sucks very much and my internet is like pretty much gone until further notice.

It sucks… It sucks a wholeeee lot. I’ll live.

Without my nightime noise and music and pictures…. God this is gonna be a long undefined amount of time.

PS My mom has lost it…. 0.o

he seems impervious to my threats and that annoys me.

“We’re emotionally unavailable and that’s probably why they[women] hate us[men]!”

Aha! Someone finally gets a piece of the puzzle! Kudos.

If he keeps this up, I’m gonna have to hit him…

Sometimes you just have to be there for people.  When will men get that?

I love you all for trying. The flowers and candy is really sweet. Every girl loves getting flowers, but not because you screwed up and you don’t know how to apologize any other way. Every girl (and believe me on this one) loves chocolate (we need it. a scientific study would probably prove me right) but not because you can’t bring yourself to actually say I love you.

Little things are best. You can buy a girl  a car, new shoes, and lots of diamonds. But the girls that favor that over a genuine apology, or a text message with a frowny face? They aren’t worth your time because they’re just shallow.

Don’t get me wrong, you shouldn’t thing a girl is a bitch just because she smiles if you give her a ring. But if that’s all that saves your relationship in times of trouble you’ve got a problem.

But Fidel Castro has an artificial anus? I wonder if that’s true…

Why do more of you read my feed than just looking at the blog in normal fashion? Ahhh I don’t get it… I think feed is soo annoying.

But really… honestly… why?

this is why i shouldn’t be left home alone

Cut, color, clarity, carat weight. Yes, the 4 C’s to  buying diamons (damn pop ups when I go to check my email). So what’s the problem right?

Diamonds themselves are the problem. Don’t get me wrong, they’re really pretty. My diamond and white gold ring is my favorite in the world. But diamonds shouldn’t be  as casual as people make them. Seriously, if you just want some big shiny ear rings why don’t you just get CZ instead of diamond? (CZ = cubic zirconium(sp) aka lab made diamonds)

Diamons should be saved for engagement, wedding, or promise rings. And maybe like anniversary presents. Or some very special occasion. But if you  just want a present for a regular birthday or a run of the mill Christmas or everyday wear why wouldn’t you just get cubic zirconium.

Yeah wow and 5 minutes later…. TV is distracting lemme tell you what… Yeah.

overdramatics and tummy aches

Scary as hell, it’s still pretty fun to be so nerve wracked you shake (at least when it’s not out of fear, it’s just the aftershake [hehe not shock… didn’t do that on purpose btw] ). But this tummy ache sucks and so does stress. And last night most def… Would like to block that one from memory tyvm.

So I fell asleep a little before midnight, didn’t set me alarm (oops) and woke up 5 minutes later (huge deal obv.). And then decided my throat hurts (sureeeeee it does) and I’m staying home from school sick (cough taking a sick day to destress and work on other homework and make up gym class monday instead cough).

I’m a damn good actress though. My mom is pretty sure my throat even looks red (it’s fine folks… if you didn’t get it yet I’m staying home so I don’t overload my brain and go psycho on your nice CHS attending asses).

Sooo that’s that. I thought I found Jason’s Mg ribbon, but apparently it’s not so I’m not entirely sure what it is? ….wellwhatever… Tbh, in my house there’s always screws and scraps of metal lying around. The metal is just usually more wirey than strippy, but with my sister in communicado with my dad (ah look what I just typed… I’m a silly noob…) and my dad being him it’s possible it’s Amy’s or something. Who knows.

Anyways, I’m going back to bed. Good night.

Less than a day ago in the same breath that I used to rant about you being a jerk for this or that I would’ve gone on about how you were such a sweet goofball and I knew you were dedicated like me to keeping things going.

And I was sure you were because you told me to hold on to you. You told me we’d make this work. And when you saw me cry you told me you felt bad and you would make it all better. And I believed you because I always do.

I never once would have guessed what was on your mind. You said the opposite of what you were thinking and threw me for a curve. Congratulations. You were right. I don’t always know what’s going on in your head.

You wanna know what I do know? I know that I’ve changed who I am and what I will or won’t do for you. I’ve broken rules I made about relationships for you. I’ve lied for you, been grounded for you, gotten F’s  for you.

You know what else I know? I know you’ve put up with a lot of crap from me (that goes both ways though and you know  that too). I know you’ve put aside homework and chores for me. You’ve been late home and lectured because of me and whatever’s going on in your head that you don’t wanna share about me with me. You’ve made changes to the way you are the things you will and won’t put up with.

But did I react rashly? In all honesty, would you not have been taken back if I said to you what you said to me? You fall apart if you think I’m going to. It’s true. Now I don’t know what to think.

Truth? I’m  always as straight forward with you as I possibly can be without hurting you or making you feel bad, which I apparently accomplish time and time again anyways because I never say the right thing. Apparently all I do is nag and whine. Apparently I’m just controlling. So did you mean all those things you said about me being good to you? Or did you mean all those things about me all but wrecking your life? Did you mean it when you said you wanted forever and you’d do what it took? Or are you just going to give up on me  like you keep asking me not to do to you?

The truth? I promised you I wouldn’t give up on you, and I meant it. So long as their is air in my lungs and I don’t completely mentally snap I will give you that whatever numbered chance if you want it. And I’ll keep trying to change and not snap and not be selfish. I can’t make promises about changing over night but you know that. I can only what I can humanly do which could probably be more, but I’m trying right now and that’s all  I can  do. I can’t give you more than I have.

I can’t say if you mean the things about me being happy. I can’t say if you mean the things about when I cry. I can’t say much of anything anymore because you’ve flipped my whole world upside down.

So I guess  there isn’t anything to say that you haven’t heard which is that there’s nothing you could do to make me not love you or not think it was worth it… not worth every tear or every time my heart skips a beat. All the confusion in my head, it’s always come down  to being worth it and all this time you were thinking about throwing it away.

Which leaves me to ask how the hell did I not know… Why did I think everything was fine?

I feel like just about the stupidest person ever right now. I dunno how I didn’t see it. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I  don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I don’t know what  to do anymore. What to say. Where the line is. What to and not to do.

I’ve always left my phone on for you and my door open to you. You always know where to find me at all times for the rare occasion when you actually feel like  talking to me about something big that’s on your mind (like the other night). I can’t do more for you than I  can humanly do. But to keep doing my best for  you, I need to know that your with me. I can’t make sacrifices and give things up only to find out you wanted to drop out of it anyways. If I’m gonna give it my all, we both have to. Cause we have to have each other to fall back on. You said it yourself, when stuff gets hard we just have to hold onto each other. But I can’t make you hold on to me, and I’m not gonna cling to you if you don’t want me there.

But most of all, I love you.

Did I make you nervous?
Did I ask  for too much?
Was I not deserving?

One of these days
I won’t be afraid.

You’re an asshole.

I don’t take back anything I said.

You’re being ajerk.

I’m sorry if this is upsetting. I’m sorry if this offends you. I’m sorry if you think I’ve been starting fights. I’m sorry you think I always have to be right.

I’m also sorry that you keep telling me you’re trying  to so hard but you can’t swallow your pride. I’m sorry you tell me you’re having a stress day so I try to watch myself and not say anything to you. I’m sorry you can’t do the same. I’m sorry that you tell me you’ll do whatever it takes, but whatever it takes is a simple thing you can’t manage.

I’m sorry I sound like a bitch here because I know I do. The fact that you slammed that door and yelled at me and made me cry is no excuse. But maybe it helps explain my current mood.

Or maybe not. I wonder if you ever understood anyways.

my day just got better because

I found out that even though it’ll be a stretch (like the 98 in my next two marking periods of chem?) CMU is actually in my range. =] I need to do some more e.c.’s (not a problem since I have some of those planned and probably NHS and FHS if I decide not to drop French… v. slight possibility) and probably bring up my math grade (ew). But I mean, I dunno. The point is if I pick up my act again I can actually do this and my heart is kinda set on it now.

Wish me luck… I’ll get back to you senior year.

Ravish is a very amazing word.

PS I’m sick of you breaking promises to me. And I don’t like that today I let this one really go and you snapped at me over the things I always say and do. And then yell at me when I was trying to help you and tell me ten different things.

There is literally a huge drop of blood jumping off my elbow.

Today. -.-

People are gross and stupid.

My body is gross and stupid.

My skin was never good, so okay. Whatever. I deal. My hair? I killed it dying it. C’est la vie! My legs? The lack of shaving is my fault.

New stuff: Asthma doctor next month, dentist for teeth pulling and retained by next year, knee brace now cause of my probably juv. arthritis,  and actual reading glasses? Okay I don’t have to have the glasses, but they help. I can walk without the brace but ow. I can keep my teeth crooked but I want a pretty smile. And the asthma has to be taken care of finally…

Now homework. Blah life.

Here come the bombs.

Life is over.

We don’t charge extra touching fees
So touch me please.

[and if you want you can follow us into rehab]

do you belong to a song?

Are you drunk? Have you been drinking?

But please don’t give up dear walls.
Don’t let the ceiling fall.
When you belong to a song
salty eyes you  belong.

Grim violin…

 But please don’t give up dear you…

Do please believe however naive…

Yes. What a stupid waste of a three day weekend. What a perfect waste of my time and nerves.

So no more science fair. Yeah, it actually does suck. But I’m supposed to practically do my little sister’s? Stupid. This coming week? Really stupid. *dies* This week I thought the pressure was off but it’s on still… And this lack of project? It should be a relief right cause one less thing to worry over? Oh I think not….

There’s too much on my mind. Homework. Grades. Futures. Projects. (ew 2) Weekend plans. Stupid weeks. Lack of sleep. Fights and arguments and uncomfortability. Instability. Unsureness. Confusion. Frustration. I wanna pour my head out and fill it up with sand and spend the rest of my days lying in this bed with all that I love (save one).

And my spacebar is being annoyingly spastic. Everything is very upsetting and unsettling.

And not in the longest time have I ever so much wanted to curl up with my kitty at the end of my bed or by my head  or  be a little kid  and be like 3 and able to make my mom sit with me till I fell asleep. And never so badly have I wished you were here to hold me till I fell  asleep, away from all the things outside this little room that bother me and make me cry. Never so much have I wanted that feeling of it being all right, but it left with you out that door.

I’m being emo. Why is it taking you 20 minutes to get home….

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