Archive for February, 2007

will someone please tell me i’m okay…

Too much stress and confusion and people who don’t give a damn. It sucks.

Oh bother. Please just shoot me.

This is a nice shade of nail polish.

I hate my mother right now.

Oh fuck. Why does she have to know?

I’m 16. I can’t always be the responsible one. I can’t always be the grown up.

I don’t wanna listen to my mom and dad talk about their marriage problems. I don’t wanna be in charge of everything. I don’t wanna be the sweet one everyone can turn to. I mean I do, but it’s kinda hard anymore.

I feel like there’s all this weight on me and who cares about what happens to me anymore?

It’s so easy for everyone to just turn the other cheek or think about themselves.

I’ve been thinking about everyone else and now that I’ve finally spoken out, finally said something about my lack of being able to do anything anymore, it’s not enough suddenly. I’m inadequate. Obsolete.

If I’m not there for people, they stop caring.

Sorry I’m human. Sorry I need someone to turn to once in a while.

Mostly, it just hurts that all these people that “love” me or that are my “real friends” don’t actually give a damn as long as they get theirs.

-edit-

I also don’t know that I have faith in much of anything anymore. It’s hard to have any hope or faith sometimes. I’ve tried.I will continue to try.

But I’m only human. And in light of recent things that have happened, and things that I’ve begged for that haven’t, I dunno how strong I can keep my faith.

I can’t try for everyone forever when they only care about is themselves.

What am I supposed to do…

I was talking to a calorie counting friend of mine yesterday in art class. Together we concluded (or should I say she did because I don’t know the calories of anything… except now I know 2 tbsp of peanut butter is 190) that Thursday I ate approximately 2500 calories. =] That’s how much I usually eat and my bmi is STILL only 16.1 (okay so that part’s bad).

Yesterday, based on my own knowledge and the fact that I eat pretty much the same thing all the time, I had about 350 calories. =[

My body cannot handle this anymore.

Last night I feel asleep a little after midnight. Woke up at 2:55 and felt bad because I thought I missed Jason’s call. So I called him and he was still awake. So then I eventually fell back asleep and woke up at 5:55 this time certain I missed his call. So I called him again… and he was asleep.

After yesterday, after last night/morning thing, and everything… I just dunno about anything. I dunno what to believe. I dunno what I’m supposed to think. I’ve always just taken his word for stuff, and he’s lied to me. I can’t stand that, but I’ve always given him the benefit of the doubt anyways and trusted him. But apparently last night wasn’t the first time he’s tried to hide something from me (maybe everyone else isn’t surprised but I believed him so stfu). So now I dunno what I should think anymore.

This really sucks.

at the age of five she slit her wrists

I’ve never been good enough and I never will be.

I’ve never been good enough for anyone or anything. I can’t do anything right.

I think to everyone I’m just that kid with the issues that’s okay to talk to sometimes, but mostly you don’t wanna get close to.

I don’t blame them.

I just wanna get the hehll out of here. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore.

I’m not confident. I don’t think I’m any of the things people that say they like me say I am.

I’ve done it. I’ve alienated everyone. Congratulations to myself for fucking up everything forever for myself and everyone around me.

I hate today. I almost cried 5 times. I got lectured (by more than my mom). And just… what a terrible terrible day.

Rather than be depresed I’ll listen to more The Unseen? Oh… Okay this is Hot Rod Circuit. My bad.

I can’t wait for summer…. And Saturday?

i’m no superman

Le nouveau ordinateur? C’est fin! Et l’ordinateur est magnifique!

Who am I kidding… I don’t spell French well.

Cept maybe c’est la vie.

Schw/e.

Showa showa jelly time.

…wtf…

The past two days have been incredibly long ranging from depression to having a really fun time and just… stuff.

I slept over at Carrie’s last night and her mom had me play guitar for someone on the phone? Aha. I love Carrie’s mom. So then I came home. And I changed my ear rings 12 thousand times. Got dressed up. Went to a wedding. Saw a kid I went to elementary school with (at a wedding with like 20 people…). Saw a woman I haven’t seen for almost 16 years. =] And a picture of her son who’s almost 18 and has long dyed pink hair (knew there was a reason we were friends when we were babies).

Anyways she’s an awesome lady. =] My mom ministered. I took pictures. Everyone told me I looked lovely (which I did).

You know, I never get dressed up (never get a chance to is more like it). It was nice. I looked v. v. good and it was a radtastic ego boost.

Mmmmm…. Fuck snow. And this weekend.

And not talking to people for most of the first 3 out of a 5 day weekend…

Everything’s been good but things surrounding this and that worries me but I seem to be the only one out of an entire crowd that cares about that. And similarly… Well why get into that mess. It’s been ruining my days though.

Today is the first day in around a month that I haven’t cried.

But I think that’s about to change anyways, so nevermind.

I should’ve just gotten smashed at the wedding. At least then I could have had one good day…

the truth is worse than anything i could bring myself to do to you

Man… seriously… ick.

Not one day has gone by in the past month that I haven’t cried at least once (but I don’t think it’s been just once any day).

And there’s something else really serious on my mind but I can’t really talk about it.

There’s a lot of ice and snow but I’ve been sitting in my house doing nothing. Well, not all of the time, but a lot of it. I’m not tired anymore or hungry. I feel fine physically but mentally I’m a fucking wreck.

The worst part is even when I’m at my lowest, I keep crying over stupid stuff I’d usually get like mad at. And when I’m heartbroken I can’t bring myself to do anything but think.

And I hate the thinking part. So I stopped doing that too cause when I do I cry.

I was up till after 4 in the morning night before last and I woke up at 8. Last night I was up laying in bed. Just laying there trying to concentrate on the stupid music playing through my speakers.

The worst thing is, even though I’ve done my usual bitching and ranting there’s been stuff on my mind that I haven’t breathed a word about and it’s that stuff that’s fucking with me.

But I’ve had to hold my tongue. Because when I don’t worse things seem to happen.

Above all, I feel like I’ve just lost control again. I was two minutes a hair band short of buying bleach and turquoise hair dye yesterday (amongst other things).

I’m not even depressed. I’m not tired and I don’t feel like just existing or anything.

I feel like there’s something in my head somewhere that’s trying to come out and it’s stuck. Well, I guess that’s a bad way to put it. It’s more like, I feel like my thoughts all have a common bond or a tie but I’m just not able to put the connection together.

I’m fucking crazy.

I’m pissed off. I’m bored. And lazy. I want my computers.

I want things to go back to normal but they’re not gonna for a long ass time (if they ever even do).

I don’t see life getting any brighter for a long ass fucking time.

And everytime I think I finally caught a break and like someone has finally realized that they should stop yo-yo-ing me back and forth, happy sad, up and down, it ends up being untrue.

I can’t catch a break. There’s too much working against me. I really dunno if I can fight against this any longer.

I don’t even have anything real to say to anyone anymore.

Like someone sucked the life out of me.

And now my leg’s asleep and I have to go cut some hair. So excuse me while I give my life temporary purpose.

I would like my best friends back now please.

Will you come visit me in jail when I murder my mother?
Aww… I knew you would.

Yes… The insane woman formerly called mom is out in the kitchen slamming her fists into our washer and/or dryer. Lovely really. And screaming something about having PMS and not messing with her. I’m a girl. Yes, PMS makes you cranky, but you still can’t use it as an excuse.

Wanna talk about provoking people…. Ugh. The humanity.

[I feel dramatic today.]

On a happier note, the list of bands playing Warped Tour as of now is out. =] Coheed & Cambria is playing the whole tour. =D But The Academy Is… isn’t on the list (yet?). Either way it’s a pretty amazing line up.

Alkaline Trio is playing part of it. Cute Is What We Aim For is playing. Bayside. Bad Religion. Cooler people than that. However I find it hard to think with my sister playing her stupid fucking video games two feet away from me.

Seriously, I’m gonna throw myself out a window (and into a snow bank!).

Wedding tomorrow. Oh joy. Oh joy. Can you not feel the excitement just oozing out of your computer screen because it’s just overflowing from me.

-.- Sarcasm.

It’s good.

And some days you really just wanna jump in the car and roll down the windows and drive far far away and never look back…

I loathe this day with an absolute passion.

Fuck today. Fuck today. Fuckkkkk today. =[

I hate it when certain people think I’m mad at them when in reality I’m not but they keep yelling and being mad anyways even when I’m telling them that I’m not mad. …and then it just kinda hurts.

If it was up to me, I wouldn’t interact with most of you ever.

Of all the things you could blog about, you choose that. Over and done with now or not….

Happy v-day to you too.

oh eff

Got off school early. Not gonna have school tomorrow. Might sleepover at Laura’s house Wednesday night? Probably sleepover at Carrie’s house Friday night. Wedding Saturday. And maybe a show thing? I have to decide. Probably no school tomorrow. But the dreaded v-day *insert music from horror flick here*. And a girl in the Camphillish area of possible interest. =]

The afternoon ended on a bad note, but the evening was all right.

 If you’re gonna bitch at me for almost nothing and freak out at me, well go ahead and do it then. If you no longer wanna do anything just cause you love me and you know it’ll save me grief, well fine. But I’ll tell you right now that there’s no way in hell I’m letting myself be walked over. You haven’t yet. You haven’t ever. But if you start I’m not gonna put up with it. I love you, but not enough to let you take advantage of me.

I don’t care what you do from here. It’s up to you.

Uhm so started my anti-biotics. Got  lecture. Lonely. Tired. Horrible fever dreams. Want some peaches really bad.

Ergh…. =[

OMG.

No but really I hate computers and keyboards and cold and inhalers. My mom’s solution? “Go jog around the block!” In this weather? Me thinks not…

So I’m afraid of my inhaler. Laugh. Ahaha. I am. I was afraid of my Flonase too. Speaking of which…

Ewww corticosteroids gag. And there’s sulfuric acid dot something in albuterol sulfate. Mmhmms! And no CFC’s! Ahhhhahahaha medicalesque jargain…

Mmm Scrubs is on. I have a lab report to write, an english essay outline and a mini essay for my AP english application.

I’m off!

Oh but first…

THE COLTS KICKED THE BEARS ASSES!

In.Your.Face.
…..s…….

=]

I lied.

oh no not me i never lost control

Fun fact: For about a month when I was in the ninth grade I was addicted to Nyquill (well as addicted to it as one can be… more of a mental thing really. But we all know how easily I become psychologically dependent on stuff no matter how bad it hurts, or in this case tastes). Anyone out there who was ever really addicted to something is glaring daggers at me right now, but I almost never take nyquill anymore for that reason. I was two, mybe three times since that period. One of those being tonight. The shit tastes horrible, but that’s never stopped the urge to down half the bottle at once rather than 2 TBSP. Yeah…

Someday, take nyquill and listen to David Bowie. Specifically The Man Who Sold the World.

My computer is being ghy. I’m finally tiredesque. Nyquill makes you feel warm when you drink it and if you’re me kicks in in under 20 minutes. Whoooo.

It also gives me the urge to dance half naked in front of mirrors and move my torso a lot. I have such a cute stomach and it’s even cuter when it’s pulling a belly dancer. And things in my hall are making noises. And when you type d next to p like this dp it looks like a slant… to me…

complete bullshit

Apparently liberals don’t like God because we can’t handle having competition and we think we’re God? Uhm… I think not.

I’m the most liberal person I know. I’m pro gay marriage, pro choice, pro legalizing marijuana, pro flag burning, pro have your own damn opinion and be a fucking individual. And I’m really spiritual.

So everyone can just shut the fuck up.

Mmhmm. The new Windows Vista is out. My opinion is just to stay out of it… At least for the next few months. Personally I won’t be upgrading until… well almost next year at the earliest. XP still works just fine. And I really hate the “sleek” look of Vista. I like old blocky Windows.

I like old school linux too but it’s a bitch to run. Speaking of which linux AND XP are going on the computer I’m building later tonight. So take that.

PS: The problem with the laptop? The whatchamawhoosit arced and fried parts of my motherboard.

I wish I was more computer/electrical shit fluent. Oh sigh.

The good news? Writescribe! AHHH cheering for me. That’s exciting. And 120GB harddrive. Not a lot, but better than what I’ve had the past few years. And it’s mine mine all mine. Fresh clean start.

Mmm I love the smell of new computer parts. =]

–I’m so lame.–

Snow? I hope. A day off of school would rock.

PS again CYLC wants me. But tuition for the 6 days is like $1,338 I think? Somewhere around $1300. So I might not be able to go. =[ But I really really want to…

Anybody wanna help me out? Yeah I thought not… It’s really a suckfest though since I never got to go to New Zealand (sp…. I’m so bad at it…) or Italy with… that other program. Sure this is just DC. Sure it’s like a 3 hour drive away.

But I want it! I want it! I want it! **hissy fit**

Bah humbug at your face.