Archive for May, 2007

please kill me…

…before I go ninja on this house and kill everyone in it and burn it to the ground.

I think I need a nap. Major.

and ill be damned if i am going out

Sooo Joseph came over last night. We went on 81 for like… a minute… literally. We saw Steph and Kyle walking and that was funness. We went to Wal Mart and got some glow sticks (Jojo danced and these guys in the cars near us obv. thought he was the shit somehow…). Then we went to the diner and got coffee and gravy fries (at 1 in the morning…). Then we went to go see Cliff at work. On the way there was a nerve wracking incident (not anything major. ask me about it IRL or over AIM and I’ll tell you). Then we saw Cliff. Then we went to Lindner (sp?) Park to swing. Came home. Read tarot cars (Jo did). He left at 4. I went to sleep. Got up at 11. Now I’m a tad tired but it’s all good.

I’m thinking about getting a tattoo possibly as soon as Friday. (I know a guy who knows some guys.) And if that worked out my tattoo would cost me $20-30 dollars (more if I want colors… try $10 per color). If I do I’m getting “Amor Vincit Omnia” on my wrist.

I probably won’t anytime really soon. But maybe summer. Like before I go to a rave which I also intend on doing.

This summer will be good. This year has been good. And everything is going my way. =]

PS: Phish and The Beatles make EVERYTHING better!!!!!! =] no lie.

apple? what??

So last night was just… Oh wow. Fun times.

Today I woke up and was like oh shit self and went back to bed. Then I got up the whole way, did shit for like half an hour and then went to Jason’s to say happy birthday and give him his “presents”. They were… interesting.

So then we ate lunch. Nate, Eugene and Jason went to jam. I stayed at their house. Jess and Rachael wanted to show me their room again so we went upstairs for a bit. Then we went on a bike ride. Then it rained and we were out for a bit. Then Jess, Rachael, Michael and I made a cool t-shirt (I promised I’d wear it Tuesday so I will).

Sooo then Jason arrived back and took a nap. Jess and I made coffee for tired Nate. Wes, Nate and I went for a walk. Met up with Carrie. Came home. Woke up Jason. Then we chilled. And then life was just fun.

So I’m in a great mood and overall I thought it was a very good day. =] And John Smith is just the most adorable thing in the world. He makes me smile hardcore.

Soo I hope everyone else had a good day and Jason I hope you’re birthday ended up good and un-boring despite my inability to do things and my stupid laughing.

As long as I don’t think right now, or even if I do, I just love the world. =]

but i cant take it anymore

But I can for the low low price of you doing this!

http://www.testriffic.com/friendtest/3537921

❤ ❤ ❤

=D =] =P

and my world is just a string of songs

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other
Forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation
Oh, we’re not worthy
When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It’s the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

Cause I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar

Proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar, yeah

Well let me tell you this, I am shamelessly self-involved
I spend hours in front of the mirror, making my hair elegantly disheveled
I worry about how this album will sell
Because I believe it will determine the amount of sex I will have in the future
I self medicate with drugs and alcohol to treat my extreme social anxiety

You are a faker (admit it)
You are a fraud (admit it)
Yeah, you’re living a lie (hey) living a lie (hey) you’re life is living a lie
You don’t impress me (admit it)
You don’t intimidate me (admit it)
Why don’t you bow down, get on the ground, walk this fucking plank (yeah!)

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah (what do you..)

Proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my..
Guitar, guitar go!

I drift drift drift drift drift yeah
I drift drift drift drift drift yeah oh

And I am done with this
I wanna taste the breeze of every great city
My car and my guitar
My car and my guitar
So you’ll come to be, made of these, urges unfulfilled
Oh no no no no no
When I’m dead I’ll rest
When I’m dead I’ll rest lay still
When I’m dead I’ll rest, I’ll rest

-Say Anything: Admit It

Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but what has happened to love

Got me writing lyrics on postcards
Then in the evenings looking at stars
But the brightest of the planets is Mars
What has happened to love

So I will opt for the big white limo
Vanity fairgrounds and rebel angels
Can’t be trusted with feathers so hollow
Heaven’s invention, steel eyed vampires of love
You see over me, I’ll never know
What you’ve shown to other eyes

Go or go ahead and surprise me
Say you’ve lead the way to a mirage
Go or go ahead and just try me

Nowhere’s now here smelling of junipers
Fell off the hay bales, I’m over the rainbows
But oh Medusa kiss me and crucify
This unholy notion of the mythic powers of love
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying 

-Rufus Wainwright: Go or Go Ahead

When I watch you, wanna do you, right where you’re standing yea
Right on the foyer on this dark day right in plain view oh yea
Of the whole ghetto, the boot-stomped meadows, but we ignore that yea
You’re lovely baby, this war is crazy, I won’t let you down oh no no
I won’t let them take you, won’t let them take you hell no oh no
I won’t let them take you, won’t let them take you hell no no
No oh no no no

And when our city vast and shitty falls to the Axis, yea
They’ll search the buildings collect gold fillings wallets and rings, oh yea
But Miss Black Eyeliner you’d look finer with each day in hiding oh yea
Beneath the wormwood, oooh love me so good
They won’t hear us screw away,

Today I’ll make you say

No I won’t let them take you, won’t let them take you hell no no
Oh no I won’t let them take you, won’t let them take you hell no no

Our Treblinkah is alive with the glory of love
Treblinkah, alive with the glory of love yea
(Ok speed it up now)

Should they catch us and dispatch us to those separate work camps yea
I’ll dream about you I will not doubt you with the passing of time
Should they kill me your love will fill me as warm as the bullets, yea
I’ll know my purpose this war was worth this I won’t let you down no i wont no i wont no i wont

(Alive, Alive, alive with love alive with love)
Hell no, no oh no, I won’t let them take you, won’t let them take you hell no no no No

-Say Anything: Alive With the Glory of Love

copy pasted from xanga [im lazy]

i’m sorry for the person i became. i’m sorry that it took so long for me to change.

First, my life has taken a rather abrupt lane switch (in the grand scheme of things). Merged, so to speak, into the fast lane I always looked longingly at but never seemed to have to nerve to hit and the gas and cross into. And sure, well there’s a far more dangerous route I could take, I’d rather be ballsy than flat out dangerous.

Last night (which has nothing to do with that ^ by the way) was awful. So Carrie and I were writing in front of the house with sidewalk chalk. And as a joke, one I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, I wrote “Carrie is a lesbian” on top of our wall. Keep in mind that that wall IS out property and not borough property so me writing on it with chalk isn’t graffiti.

My parents flipped out. My neighbors said something about it and so first my dad came down and flipped about which one of my friends had defaced our house (my friends wouldn’t do that without me being there). Then my mom came down and freaked about me cleaning it up. And I wasn’t sure why she was getting so worked up when I wasn’t arguing or yelling or anything. So I said “I’m not trying to be like… I mean I understand why you want me to go do it and everything and I will I just don’t get why you’re getting so worked up over this”. At which point she said, and this would be it word for word because I will never in my life forget being told this, “If I have to put a robe on and come down here, so help me God Sarah I will kill you”.

Now we all know my mother isn’t going to kill me, but it was hard to swallow none the less. I say that as a joke all the time to everyone. (I said something like that to Nate in gym yesterday and Mrs. Kline told Jason? That’s totally off subject but it just amused the hell out of me and slightly confused me. She really is a cool lady sometimes.) But when my mom said it her eyes were huge and she looked serious and just… I lost it. Seriously.

So I went out with a hose and cleaned it off. And I was pissed. I went back upstairs to tell them it was done cause they told me too. So my dad starts yelling about how he can’t believe how fucking stupid I am to not see that there is something wrong with what I did. He tells me I’m an embarrassment and he’s appalled at me. He told me that I thought that since I came from a poor family there was no point in trying and I’d given up. He said I’d never be anything. I wouldn’t ever have that life because I don’t try at all. He told me I believe the world is just bleak and cold and so that’s what I’d become. Just a bitter, mean person with no respect for anyone. He told me I needed to spend some time at home reexamining myself. I needed to look in a mirror. And then he said “fuck you” and told me I was shit and I’d never be anything or get anywhere in my life. Meanwhile my mom is sitting there yelling (at the same time mind you) about how I’m so stupid and so ignorant. About how I’ve fucked up things I don’t even know in the past 2 years and made everyone else miserable with my actions.

Needless to say last night was rough. I knew my parents didn’t pay at lot of attention cause if they did I wouldn’t get away with half the stuff I do. But I had no idea how bad it was.

I got told I gave up just because I’ve sarcastically made the comment “yeah I’d rather have a life and slightly less than perfect grades than spend my life buried in books”. I don’t try? Then how the hell do I have 101% in honors chemistry? How the fuck do I have the grades I have? I’m not denying that I could try harder. I’m just saying I put a lot of effort into this year. I’m out of all my finals but math which I also try in. Just math… I dunno. Algebra and formulas have always been my weak point. It’s just the truth. But either way I do try.

Everyone that knows me also knows (I hope) that I’ve never thought being poor was gonna hold me back. Sure I’ve had my days when I’m depressed and I’ve been like oh now I’ll never get anywhere and why am I trying but that’s not my general mindset. I’ve always intended on going to college and making something out of my life and breaking free of my monetary chains. So that hurt.

I also don’t believe the world is bleak. Have I not said how amazing my friends are and how great life can be and how things are gonna get better? I have my days. Everyone does. But my general outlook on life is that everyone has some good in them. I wouldn’t always give everyone and everything ten thousand chances if I didn’t. I believe anything can work if you try hard enough and anyone can be good if given the right chance and the right push forward. And I’d like to think I’m not just a cold heartless bitch. I’d like to think I’m there for my friends when they need me and I’m a caring person. I always put my friends before everything else in my life and I hope you all know that. (I’m not gonna lie; I called Jason last night when all of this happen for many reasons but one of them was definitely that I know he knows how much second chances and friends and all that silly stuff matters to me.)

Now the self reexamination thing… That one… I dunno. Do any of you have any idea how much time I spend sitting around picking myself apart because of all the flaws I have? How much I wanna change things about myself? How far I’ve actually come since last year and how much farther I have to go and how everyday I try to be this person I wanna be and how frustrated I am at how slowly it’s going and how hard it is to change? I’m trying SO hard to make things better about myself that I can. I’m only human and I know I have my flaws and I know what they are. I’m always trying to be better. And there are times when I slip up BIG TIME. People don’t change over night but I am trying soo fucking hard. And I think damn few people realize it. And that’s okay. People don’t realy need to know that I guess. As long as when it crosses people’s mind the person I’ve been versus the person I am and the person I’m becoming are different. But it’s not apparently. And that hurts. A lot.

So I guess I wasn’t kidding when I said no one in my house pays any attention to me. I hoped I was exaggerating a little too. I figured I just got away with stuff because I’m smart. But apparently that’s not it. Apparently I’ve just fallen through the metaphorical cracks in my family. My sisters are being babied and told it’s okay that one of my sisters started the year with straight A’s and now is in jeopardy of failing 2 classes. And me? It’s the end of the world for me to write “lesbian” on the wall, our property, as a joke.

I know I have it worse than a lot of people but I’m not looking for people to go “poor Sarah. Let’s treat her different” cause please don’t. This, I guess, is just part of the reason why maybe I’m a little insane and less mentally and emotionally stable than I could be. But even that part is getting better.

Personally, after all the things I’ve been through in life with my family and because of my family, I’m proud of myself for only having what flaws I do and for correcting them. I take pride in my self respect and self discipline and all the faith I actually have in myself. I’m proud of what I can pull myself through on my own. And I’m just generally happy with the person that I am.

Perfect? No where near. But always getting better, always striving for the best, and never losing hope for more than a day at a time. (And we all have out moments.)

And someday the world is gonna open their eyes and realize what an amazing person I really am. I’ll make something of my life and show you all. Cause no matter what life throws at me, I make it out stronger than before. I don’t always wanna be strong maybe, but I can be and I will be.

PS. My grandfather’s been sick off and on since last summer. But now he’s got a fever and he’s really sick and on top of everything I’m worried that he might not come out of this one… So if you could keep him a good thought it’d be appreciated.

You know, I may be strong, but most days I just don’t wanna be here and I don’t know who to turn to or what I’m gonna do. And no matter what I’ll be fine, I just wonder. (It’s useless because I can’t control of change any of it.)

You might think I’m losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics…

’cause I don’t want you to know where I am
’cause then you’ll see my heart
In the saddest state it’s ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That’s exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it’s the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.
I’m sorry for the person I became.
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to be sure I never become that way again
’cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

Who I am hates who I’ve been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
cause who I’ve been only ever made me…

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to be sure I never become that way again
’cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

I was 6 days off? Maybe. Or something. Whatever. Rambling.

Boys are the most unobservant creatures on the planet.

let’s be honest

I’m a loser. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Yes. I take pride in not being a part of the A&F, generic, corporate market, pop culture, manufactured generation.

Not to say I don’t like popular things, or A&F (I’m more partial to AE and Hollister but uhm let’s not start on that…). I just don’t let trends rule my life.

My mom told me I’m not emotionally stable enough to drive. I laughed at her.

[For those of you just tuning in, let me recap…

-my mom is bipolar

-my father’s an alcoholic

-my sister is a lesbian

-my other sister is (probably) schizophrenic

That’s right… Belive it or not I’m the normal one.]

Whatever. I bitch too much (at least it’s more in writing than IRL).

what exactly are you trying to pull?

This school year wreaked havoc on us all. Even my boys are having mood swings like whoa. More than me even (which is scary because I am the queen of over-reacting and teen angst).

Anyways I’m out in less than an hour. I’m def. excited to see Kenzie again. =]

I’m not gonna be out for long though. But Nate might come over, so I might end up up late anyways.

Whatevs. Life’s short and I’m too young to sleep it away.

God… I’m fucking ecstatic. I’m so full of happy and I don’t really know why. Things are kinda ick right now and I blew it. And yet as long as I put almost no thought into that (it’s hard to explain) I’m on top of the world.

What the fux Sarah… Gosh.

who do you think you are?

Officially I’m losing my mind. Don’t let me touch the phone.

you say you want a revolution…

Why is it so fucking hard to download Beatles songs anyways? Gosh.

Well I’m finally back from Gardeners (sorry people I blew off last night… even though that was only like three people).

Hm… Yes… So life is looking different future wise than it was a week ago. My my my.

Today I’m feeling rather mellow and pensive but at the same time a little on edge. I guess that’ll pass.

I feel a little more like me and more comfortable in my own skin with every passing day. Today I’m like… suspended… somewhere between alright and totally not so much.

So I dunno how I feel. Ask me again later.

nothing but a princess’ life for me

Black kitty is biting my fingers while I type. He’s very attention whorey.

Carrie’s in Aaron’s room sleeping still I do believe.

Hmmm. I dunno. My eye’s a little itchy and now black kitty is laying on the keyboard and now he’s chasing the letters on the screen while I type them. Awwww. =]

I woke up this morning and that feeling was totally gone and that kinda scares me but I kinda like it but I kinda think it’s wearing off.

too many puppies

Carrie and I were listening to Primus and that song and it made me think of Animal Farm. Soooo is it about the puppies that were abducted in that book and turned into cold blooded Snowball chasing out machines? The world may never know…

1984 is way better. And I think I’m gonna read Brave New World. Plus Fahrenheit 451 for AP over summer and something else.

Carrie and I have basement exploring, eating and piercing to do now. Uhm bye and stuff.

coin operated boy

Wrap my arms around him and pretend…

Nate and Mary both hurt my naval ring today. Sad face. Carrie and Liz drew on me. Michelle and I swapped a story via text while standing five feet from each other. Carrie and I ate ten thousand pancake chocolate chip cookies (Jessica used pancake mix instead of flour). I retaught Mary how to dance and Irish dance too. Hm… What else?

I dunno?

I’m exempt from every final but math which means I equal done with doing any school work for the year so SUCK ME CUNT BAGS.

And I got a new xanga and drew ALL over my fucking walls last night (Nate came over and we had a “party” in my tree). It’s amazingness.

So free time equals amazing right now. Let’s make plans.

die, die, my darling

You better find somebody to love.

I love how people, including my, rant about liars and then lie their asses off.

I’m not telling the complete truth to anyone. =] The end.

wouldn’t trade anything. you’re still my everything. don’t worry, i’ll catch you.

I wouldn’t trade anything for my memories and photographs and music with ridiculous connotations attached.

Some of them hurts and some of them make me cry over lost and broken friendships and lost loves and broken hearts and bad times, but happiness in life doesn’t exist without pain.

You take the good and the bad and you get life. Voila. And stuff.

Dear did you know that people love each other just like we do? Just like they do.

Dear did you know you’re all I asked for so hold on to me, hold on with me here.

Eisley. Indeed.  I felt the need to quote that. It’s a pretty song.

I like the rain. It’s been a shitty day but I think I’m a better person already. And I’m feeling all right despite the bad feelings in my stomach.

all that we needed

If you could come clean about everything
it would be easy for me to be sorry.
If you could see all the possibilities
we might not still be standing where we started.

Oh, no.
Don’t let me go for this,
don’t let me go for this.

I might be a fool, but you might be one too.
Maybe we’re all that we needed.
Two wrongs don’t make a right,
but I don’t care tonight.
Maybe we’re all that we needed

You could say we were just a big mistake.
I think it’s worth making,
worth repeating.
I would say good things come to those who wait.
I would say anything if you’d believe it.

Oh, no.
Don’t let me go for this,
don’t let me go for this.

I might be a fool, but you might be one too.
Maybe we’re all that we needed.
Two wrongs don’t make a right,
but I don’t care tonight.
Maybe we’re all that we needed.

Maybe we’re perfectly not meant to be,
Or more alike than we’re willing to see
.
Maybe we’re not meant to not disagree.
Maybe we’re crazy, baby.

If you could come clean about everything
it would be easy for me to be sorry.
if you could see all the possibilities
we might not still be standing where we started.

Oh, no.
Don’t let me go for this,
don’t let me go for this.

I might be a fool, but you might be one too.
Maybe we’re all that we needed.
Two wrongs don’t make a right,
but I don’t care tonight.
Maybe we’re all that we needed.

I don’t care tonight.
Maybe we’re all that we needed.

I don’t care tonight.
Maybe we’re all that we needed

[The Plain White T’s are catchy as hell. I’ve loved this song since I got the CD last year. I just started listening to them again though.]

Something out there where love is your only friend…

We are the ones that will make you feel better.
Someone to spear when love is the only end and
we are the ones that will make you feel better.

<3RHCP

Stadium Arcadium is filled with memories.

but that’s okay… they’re just afraid of change

Blind Melon makes me feel good.

I put on my xanga things about today (sorry blog for the neglect… I get moody about my blogs maybe?).

Anyways little things annoy me but not so much today or anymore.

See, I’m learning to let things go or just keep them to myself and it’s making life more pleasant. Plus I don’t need this constant revalidation of what I believe. I know what I know and I don’t need anyone to confirm my beliefs. =] And that’s that.

I’m funny. I’m smart. I’m at least pretty. I’m light-hearted (more and more like the old Sarah every day and adoring it kthnx). I’m learning to be easy going again. I’m being more responsible and taking control.

There’s finally a little more balance in my life. Even if tomorrow sucks, I’m gonna hold on to today and tonight and this feeling that everything is sorted out and I’m taking charge and controlling my future.

I’m living for me and doing the “me” thing and it’s great. My phone is always ringing with people calling or texting and I’m always busy with people hanging out and I love it. I’m a social butterfly and a music addict and a thrill seeker and a sneak-out-of-my-house-er and a girl who’s finally returning to her old amazing glory and what not.

I can’t say I can complain right now. I could but I’m far more enjoying blocking out the negative and drinking in the love. I’m surrounded by so many great people. =]

Ahhh…. My girls and my boys. =]

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