Archive for June, 2007

The one and only place I trust myself being honest is typing on my computer but no one reads this either so it’s okay.

I feel like shit. I feel like everything’s fucked up. I feel like no matter what I do I can’t do the right thing or make anything right with anybody. And now there’s like 3 people I’m no longer speaking to that I’d really rather be speaking to in all honesty.

Nate lied. I understand why but it was kinda a hard pill to swallow last night sitting in the car making the realization that something I thought up while not… quite myself let’s say, could very well be (and probably is) true. It fucking sucks.

*insert elongated sigh here*

But I guess all that’s left to do is eat, clean, read, play with my new pets, and wait…and wait…and wait… Did I ever tell anyone how much I hate the waiting game?

I’ve discovered something; when something is wrong, girls want attention and to make it better soon and guys want space first which is why us females annoy males so fucking much. Well, there are always exceptions. I, however, choose to be all to cliche about it.

Christ, I swear… Everyone thinks I’m crazy. *sigh* It’s fifth grade all over again… There goes my self esteem…


thank you

You saved me.

btw… This one is addressed to Jason who probably won’t even see this:

If you wanna go out with her or start a relationship with her, why don’t you just grow some stones and ask her out.

Smoke filled room
conversations slow
leave me alone by the radio

TwnSupra7 (10:48:18 PM): how did i create it?
XOchemicalxhell (10:48:35 PM): because its ur self pity making u go “i wish i has a gf”
XOchemicalxhell (10:48:43 PM): when u cud just count ur blessings

I know I’m supposed to be working on being a better person, but I find myself lately pissed at people who don’t realize how much they’ve got. I bitch a lot, yeah but I count my blessings daily so every other self pitying angsty teen can stfu.

oh for the love of hell….

TwnSupra7 (10:23:59 PM): hey
XOchemicalxhell (10:24:02 PM): hey
XOchemicalxhell (10:24:03 PM): ssup
TwnSupra7 (10:24:07 PM): nm u

XOchemicalxhell (10:24:14 PM): nothing realllyyy
TwnSupra7 (10:24:24 PM): can u make ur font bigger/

XOchemicalxhell (10:24:34 PM): better?
TwnSupra7 (10:24:44 PM): alot

XOchemicalxhell (10:25:00 PM): so im up to favebooking lo
XOchemicalxhell (10:25:03 PM): lol*
TwnSupra7 (10:26:19 PM): favebooking?

XOchemicalxhell (10:26:25 PM): facebooking*
XOchemicalxhell (10:26:26 PM): sry
TwnSupra7 (10:26:38 PM): was that mean?

XOchemicalxhell (10:26:45 PM): on facebook
TwnSupra7 (10:27:22 PM): im confused hun

XOchemicalxhell (10:27:58 PM): im on facebook
TwnSupra7 (10:28:08 PM): w/e that means

XOchemicalxhell (10:28:54 PM): like the website
XOchemicalxhell (10:28:55 PM): ?
TwnSupra7 (10:29:24 PM): no idea wat that is..never heard of it

XOchemicalxhell (10:30:03 PM): google it
TwnSupra7 (10:30:38 PM): is it for only hot girls or something, like u??

XOchemicalxhell (10:31:06 PM): no
TwnSupra7 (10:31:44 PM): well ur hot

XOchemicalxhell (10:32:07 PM): well thank u but that has nothing to do with facebook
TwnSupra7 (10:32:12 PM): ok

TwnSupra7 (10:32:13 PM): sry?

XOchemicalxhell (10:32:22 PM): y
TwnSupra7 (10:32:26 PM): why wat

TwnSupra7 (10:32:28 PM): am i sry?

TwnSupra7 (10:32:30 PM): for sayin ur hot

XOchemicalxhell (10:33:34 PM): u dont have to apologize for that
XOchemicalxhell (10:33:43 PM): im sitting here in guys clothes for anyone to say that is a pick me up
TwnSupra7 (10:36:39 PM): u like wearing guy clothes?

XOchemicalxhell (10:37:10 PM): no. i got soaked today and my ex’s house was halfway between where i was and my house so stoppd in and asked him to lend me some clothes
TwnSupra7 (10:37:26 PM): oh

TwnSupra7 (10:37:29 PM): ok?

XOchemicalxhell (10:37:48 PM): i didnt feel like walking home soaked i changed and crashed at his house till the rain stopped
TwnSupra7 (10:38:25 PM): i needa find a gf

XOchemicalxhell (10:39:05 PM): y
TwnSupra7 (10:39:15 PM): why not..i hate being alone

XOchemicalxhell (10:39:50 PM): well u have friends dont u?
TwnSupra7 (10:40:05 PM): friends arnt like a gf

XOchemicalxhell (10:40:44 PM): imaware
XOchemicalxhell (10:40:58 PM): but no one “needs” a bf or a gf and looking is the worst way to find out
TwnSupra7 (10:41:37 PM): yes i kno..i just want someone that cares about me for me

XOchemicalxhell (10:42:11 PM): …ur friends?
TwnSupra7 (10:42:32 PM): u dont understand

XOchemicalxhell (10:43:15 PM): i get SOO fucking sick of people like u thinkin that no one understands
XOchemicalxhell (10:43:20 PM): god like the rest of us dont get fucking lonley
TwnSupra7 (10:43:24 PM): u dont understand wat i mean

XOchemicalxhell (10:43:30 PM): and yes having a bf or gf is different than having friends
TwnSupra7 (10:43:37 PM): ok then dont bitch at me

XOchemicalxhell (10:43:44 PM): but sometimes u have to stop being an asshole and just accept that theyre are people out there that love us
XOchemicalxhell (10:44:04 PM): and im only bitching at u for being an angsty asshole and telling ME i dont fucking understand thats bullshit
XOchemicalxhell (10:44:12 PM): so dont act like u dont deserve this
TwnSupra7 (10:45:04 PM): well im not being anything..i was just tryin to explain to you..that i want someone to hold and tell my problems to and have them around when i need them, like my ex was

XOchemicalxhell (10:45:45 PM): well i understand that. but people sitting around feeling sorry for themselves wishing they had that back does nothing but make u miserable. seriously.
XOchemicalxhell (10:46:01 PM): stop dwelling on the bad and be happy u have friends who love u at least and trust that the right girl will come along
XOchemicalxhell (10:46:18 PM): dont dwell on it tho or go “ugh i neeed a gf” because thats really just sad
TwnSupra7 (10:46:45 PM): yea im a loser, and im fuckin pissed off thanks for makin it worse,

XOchemicalxhell (10:47:25 PM): your welcome. dont come to me looking for pity when ur problem is one u created urself and when i barely even kno you.

So take that asshole. I’m sick of internet guys hitting on me. This is a kid who goes to Boiling Springs who used to just flirt with me and call me hun and hopefully this capped that off. Damn.

And now a list of random things Sarah likes:

m&m’s commercials
Lust for Life by Iggy Pop
youtube videos
the fact that I have 70 Phish songs on my iPod
the fact that at least half of my friends don’t know who the fuck that is
warm nights
cool names
riding in cars
the woods
light night randomness
thin cameras
toe nail polish
tan lines
big sunglasses
antique jewelry
hand made anklets
hair dye
interesting shirts
inside jokes
accidental puns
glass bottles
using ctrl c and ctrl v instead of right click copy and paste
cute underwear
key chains
paints (and painting)
over stuffed couches
Egyptian cotton
blogging (and blogs)
Christmas lights
that feeling when EVERYTHING is right
when my iPod plays the perfect set of songs
my iPod
my cell phone
ear rings
Candita (stuffed pink monkey) and Rufus (stuffed puppy)
little chill puppy (the puppy that will get a real name and be my real puppy when I’m back from vaca)
using words like vaca
battle scars
trying to grow out my nails
sleeping all day
walking home as the sun rises
staying up all night with people (like Liz)
the catalysts for staying up for long periods of time
sparkly lipgloss
song lyrics
picture frames
weighing 87 pounds [no more, no less please]
peanut butter from the jar
random cell phone calls
colored hair ties
good smelling shampoo
things said in Latin, Italian or French
my stomach
shaggy hair
piercing people
colored socks
good music (old, indie, underground, etc.)
cool screen names
animated cursors
random strings of numbers (passwords and PIN numbers…)
jumping on things
duct tape
taking pictures
wasting time
mint flavored dental floss
clicky top pens
chocolate coins
cute bed sheets
glow in the dark stars
learning stuff (only stuff that vaguely interests me)
getting good test scores and grades without trying
ring tones
pajamas (PJ pants)
over-sized shirts
my Hail Mary coin (I take it everywhere.)
my white gold and diamond ring with the inscription
doing nice, creative things for people
unconditional love

changing for people

is stupid.

I’m sick of people that want me to do this or change that. They’re fucking everywhere trying to tell me what to do. And look, to be honest, if I wanted your advice I’d ask for it. And yes, if I’ve done something to offend, point it out. By all means… But don’t act fucking superior about it, like you’re God Almighty or something. Because until you are you have no right to judge me.

I know I have things I need to change and I’m working on them. And until then all this negative energy and talking down isn’t helping anyone. You really want me to change and help me, why don’t you support the positive choices I make and acknowledge that I’m trying rather than pick apart every little mistake I make. I’m tired of it. That’s not what being a fucking friend is, get it?

When you love someone (and friends DO love each other if they’re really friends bone heads) you want what’s best for THEM (i.e. not you). Love is being unselfish and swallowing your pride and being forgiving no matter what the offense. It’s supporting someone no matter what it means to you. It’s trust. It’s loving, whether they love you back or not. Love shouldn’t fucking be conditional.

Here is a list of people I will always love and be there for no matter what: Chelsea, Chelsea, Carrie, Carrie, Steph, Jason, Nate, Justin, Liz, Katie, and possibly a few more people I’ve failed to mention.

That being said I’m going to go watch Legally Blonde and clean. But before I go I leave you with my anthem for today (seems to change with my mood yes?).

Yes, it’s a cliche The Fray song. So shoot me. I like it.

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth

But that’s how it’s got to be
It’s coming down to nothing more than apathy
I’d rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who’s still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind

Let’s rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that’s disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I’m becoming the part that don’t last
I’m losing you and its effortless

Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won’t let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind

Thank you and good night cunt monkeys.

oh that slut…

Worried? No. Vaguely angered? Indeed. Letting it get to me? Ha! Hardly.

Let’s face it; most of the prissy little tramps in this town haven’t got a thing on me nor are they after the same things I am. They all dress in fucking little tube tops that let there chub show and short little skirts so you can watch their thighs jiggle.

I don’t need that. I can walk up to you with no make up, my hair thrown back in some messy thing, flip flops, jeans and a stupid old tee shirt and still look better than the majority of them.

Admit it; I’m not Keira Knightley (she’s just too fucking gorgeous), but I’m pretty. I have the best stomach around. And my new half blond locks are pretty cute.

Every part of me is little, cute, toned and perfectly tanned now that it’s summer.¬† You all know if you caught a glimpse of me in my shades and my new navy blue and white polka dot bikini laying out with that mist of tanning oil making me all shiny and perfect, you’d be jealous [or turned on].

Maybe I’m annoying and insane, but that doesn’t make me any less fucking adorable. And besides, you know you want the navel ring

I’ll have new pictures probably night. Be on the look out ladies and gents. TTFN

why do i care about that again?

Oh yes… I don’t. Fuckheads…

I’m trying to give people the benefit of the doubt from now on despite second guessing them. Everyone’s true colors shine through eventually anyways and when it comes down to the wire is when it really counts, not stupid insignificant things.

Life tests you. I’m determined not to fail [anymore].

whatever tomorrow brings ill be there

Would I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?

I am in such a fucked up mood…

Instead of believing that you must choose between your head and your heart, forge a new path between the extremes to include both.

Universal truth. People’s heads and hearts have been at war with each other since the dawn of time, fighting between what should be and what we want to be and what’s worth what and what sort of nonsense that all is.

I’ve come to find the best thing to do is follow your instincts but with caution i.e. using your head to make sure you’re not just being impulsive and stupid (even trying this method will not always prevent you from doing something stupid and impulsive that you know in the back of your mind will turn out badly). And pray.

The only problem comes when you pray, because the whole be careful what you wish for comes into play. And even if you really listen for an answer, you may be met with another riddle or with something that seems utterly impossible.

It’s easier to not try but it’s still easier to try, which makes sense to maybe more people than I’m giving anyone credit for. But by the way, the most frustrating thing in the world is when things change for no reason. I hate being good with someone one day and not the next and it’s happened 4 times with four different people in the last 2 days and it frustrates the fuck out of me.¬† Seriously, I wish I knew what was going on. And if it’s about some of you calling me while I was at Liz’s, sorry that I was there and couldn’t talk to you for a long time or see you (this was a problem several times the past few days). It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t given the choice under normal circumstances (i.e. not me out with a friend already).

Life went from amazingly simple to horribly wrong. I just wanna sleep.

I don’t care. [I’m a liar.]

I accidentally set my hand on fire. It hurt. And I burnt two of my fingers. That hurt too.

This is what happens when I’m bored. Mmm blah. Silly bones should call me and come chill.

I can’t pretend my heart isn’t broken and beating out of my chest right now. I can’t pretend that the only reason I’m out 24/7 isn’t because I can’t be alone. I can’t pretend I don’t wanna throw myself down on my bed and cry to some whiney emo band on my iPod.

I’m at my most creative when I feel like my life is falling apart.

It’s not, however, a price I pay voluntarily and it is hardly worth it.

Up until the end
I’ll try to reconcile again
And wonder if we could’ve been friends.
But please don’t pretend
that this whole time
I didn’t know exactly what I was doing.

I dunno what that is. I needed to be in stanzas.

I finally did it though. I accomplished what I set out to do months ago; rid you of me. I was just bringing you down and I couldn’t bring myself to do it or to hurt you. But I kept being selfish and things got dragged out. But now you’ll never forgive me and even if I wanna be selfish I can’t. You’ll never care again and you’ll never love me again and it’s better off that way.

But I wasn’t lying or trying to create hassle when I said I’d always love you and care about you (some of those fights were, I’ll admit, unplanned and unexpected. Of course, that’s only lately because when we were together I always secretly hoped it’d get better and I could abandon my plan). I want you to be happy. Apparently the only way that’s possible is if I fade out of the picture.

That sucks. It sucks and it hurts. Even when you were an ass, and it really hurt, it was for the best perhaps.

I dunno. I feel like I can’t even be real anymore because it’s wrong. It’s wrong for me to care about you or have any feelings for you. It’s wrong for me to keep trying. Everything I think is wrong and I’m crazy and pathetic.

I know in my head it’s wrong, but why does it still feel right in my heart?

I can’t clean anymore. I can’t deal with the mess. I can’t look at the writing and the pictures anymore. I can’t cover it up or take them out of the frames. I can’t read that shit anymore. I can’t burn the paper or delete the files. I can’t think about this anymore. I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t listen to Phish or The Beatles or Neutral Milk Hotel or Pink Floyd. Farmhouse and Abbey Road have been in my CD player on repeat all weekend and Wish You Were Here was the tape we got Evan to play in his car. I can’t play those songs on the guitar. My dad thought it would be fun to teach me Funk #49. I can’t look at a bass. I really wanna learn how to play it. I don’t wanna be fucked up. I obviously can’t stick with anything though can I?

My life seems like one huge contradiction filled with late nights and things that I oppose and lies that I ignore. I close my ears and my eyes to the world around me. I’ve created my own reality. And there I like to stay until I hear the phone ring and my fantasy cracks and shatters around me.

So that’s what I really do when I get depressed. I lay between those three walls on that bed with the music on really loud. Sometimes I close my eyes but usually I don’t. I think about things. I draw things. I bawl. I tear holes in the lace in my curtains. I pull my split ends apart. I paint my nails. I set things on fire (and almost burn my house down). I download music. I play on photo shop. I’ll do anything not to lay there and think of things. Anything not to be alone with the thoughts in my head. The same thoughts that make me insane. Those nights I slam down the phone and something was just so horribly wrong and I sit criss crossed with the music up loud and all the lights on cause I can’t move at all, even to turn them off. And I let it go. I cry uncontrollably and loudly and and dig my nails into my palms and my fingers and rip and dig at my skin and those lace curtains and hit the wall and fracture my middle finger (which hurts less than kicking the door and breaking my toe).

And then it just goes away. I sit there calmly with the music. I turn out the light. I pull the covers over my shoulders and turn to face the wall. I mouth or whisper or mumble the words, probably to a Phish song because I can distinctly remember the last night I did this when Strange Design was playing and I was freaking out and I mumbled the chorus through tears that were slipping out of my eyes slowly and silently.

Breathe out a sigh and decide I don’t have the heart to pray that night because some nights I feel like God’s got his headphones on and a magazine and is too busy for me. And it’s okay. Because that abandonment and that loneliness is familiar and that empty, ragged, torn, defeated feeling exhausts me. So I draw the curtain back and change the song and sigh when I roll my iPod thing to the part of Echoes (by Pink Floyd) that I want to hear. And I just hear it and look out at the stars and the dark tree line. And sink back into my pillow and close my eyes. And sleep takes me (aided sleep in general but not last time).

No one used to know I’d freak out like that. I used to not before I grew up and got fucked up. Before I realized the world wasn’t a nice place and everyone lies. Before I realized that, apparently, love doesn’t mean anything and emotions don’t matter (that’s the side of things I don’t think I believe).

Before my mom said if she didn’t have kids her and my dad would be divorced. Before my dad said he didn’t believe in divorce and that was that. So they’re together and miserable. Before my mom got really sick. Before I had to lead. Before I had to yell at my parents for not paying bills or for having late taxes. Before I had to be the grown up.

I can do it. I can do it with a smile too. And avoid the break down. But it’s hard to be strong and I’m sick of it. I just wanna sink back into a pool of warm water and melt into nonexistence for a time. Or fall off a bridge backwards into water and just feels myself sink down. Just that feeling of relief. Not death. Relief. (Don’t take that the wrong way. I’m not suicidal. I’m just depressed as hell and thinking falling into midday traffic wouldn’t be so bad.)

It’s everything. It’s everything not working. It’s how it was gonna. And we were young and naive and knew not what we were saying. We were foolish to talk and muse about a future that I think, deep down, neither one of us believed wouldn’t come and then both believed¬† that it just wouldn’t. And now my best friend is… is having trouble or too much stress and just doesn’t care about much of anything. And worries me. And I feel like I’m going to lose him. And that connection that we had is already fading fast and I’m trying to hold on because I don’t want the old days and my old friends gone.

But they’re already slipping away. Everyday I notice the aspects of my new life creeping in and filling up the cracks and the empty space. And the transitional period is here because I’ve noticed it. It’s a slow time. It’s a time when I’m feeling far more introverted than usual. And I wanna talk but I don’t. And I have everything to say but want to say nothing or feel I can say nothing.

I’m completely insane. But at the same time, for all the things I’ve come to know and all the flaws I’ve realized in myself, I’m more normal than most and sane in a chaotic sense.

It’s hard to explain and I feel like no one will understand the mechanics in my head anywhere near the way I do. I don’t think correctly or in a very logical fashion. I don’t behave logically. I conduct myself either too maturely or not with enough maturity. Forgiveness when I should be standing up and telling it like it is and spite and maliciousness when I should be shrugging things off.

Basically, I know how it should be and how it shouldn’t be. I hate the way it shouldn’t be. And somehow I manage to act that way everytime anyways. And I try to change it. And it’s getting better.

But despite that everything makes me feel like I’m retrogressing and slipping backwards just because my tongue and my lips form the words I meant to keep between my ears. And everyone lives while I feel like my heart’s stopped (I mean that in a literal sense. I get these chest pains and shallow breathing and worry the fuck out of myself.). And this all perplexes me beyond believe. I could spend hours here typing and having faux epiphanies of one sort or another and explain things that one day everyone else will realize and go “I’ve heard this before somewhere” or say the things that others have lived and realize and so they shake their heads and say simply “I told her so” which they always say anyways.

Oh I smile. Oh I laugh. Oh I joke and enjoy my life most of the time. But some days the sky outside is gray and the day is slow. The phone only rings 3 times and the line is full of static. The music sounds hollow and everyone feels distant. And I get the feeling like all my realistic fantasies about life getting better are wrong. They probably aren’t though because somehow I’m always right (or on the right path) good or bad. And sometimes it’s inexplicable. And it kills.

Maybe I’m a closet introvert. I love people. I love to talk about my ideas. But there’s a side of me that would rather sit alone, isolated, with a handful of CDs and a dark room for the rest of eternity.

I think there’s something wrong with me.

There’ve been times when I wander
And times when I don’t
Concepts I’ll ponder
And concepts I won’t ever see
God isn’t one of these
Former or latter
Which did you think I meant
It doesn’t matter to me

Bug, It doesn’t matter

(Don’t need it)

Bug, It doesn’t matter

(Don’t need it)

Bug, it doesn’t matter

(Thoughts faded)

Bug, it doesn’t matter


Gold in my hand
In a country pool
Standing and waving
The rain, wind on the runway
Spending or saving
Credit or debt
Which did you think I meant
Nothing I see can be taken from me

How you go on living when I feel like dying perplexes me.

It’s sounding like quite a nice idea right about now to jump off of a bridge into midday traffic. For now I think I’ll stick to attempting to scale my trellis and get up on my roof.

I’ll let you know how it turns out.