Archive for July, 2007

these go to 11

And that’s what was bothering me at 5 o’clock this morning when I couldn’t sleep.

I fell asleep around 9 today and got up at 6. =] And then it stormed. And then the power went out. But that’s okay cause blueberry candles. =] Mmmm.

Lastly, you can’t help someone who doesn’t it. And you can’t always make people understand. That’s why in life you just roll with the punches

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When I saw him walking yesterday it freaked me the fuck out but I think it wasn’t what I thought it was after all. And then I had a dream about him. Him isn’t who you think it is. Him is someone I’ve actually never mentioned on her before and probably never will again because it’s insignificant. It was just an interesting opener really.

It’s interesting how people I had faith in, then lost it, have recently come back into my life and showed me the side of themselves that I always knew deep down existed but lost hope in years ago.

And there’s new friends too.

There’s also people who keep cycling in and out but overall are always there.

There’s old Chelsea and new Chelsea and Katie for example. There’s my newer friends like Elisa and Liz and Brian. There’s old Carrie and new Carrie. There’s people like Alex that I just never expected to be that kind of friend to me and people like Connor that really keep surprising me every time I talk to them.

I smell pork chops though and I think I need to go make some…

come on sweet catastrophe…

One day all the cards fall in line in such a swift and startling manner that it makes you draw your breath in sharply. There’s no specifics and no answers yet to the questions burning holes in your mind, but something tells you everything is as you always thought it would be.

You don’t know when or where or why or how long; you just know before you die all will work out as you first saw it.

I can’t explain this to anyone now and I never will be. I’ll simply be able to sigh, smile and nod accordingly when the little things play out.

I know. Everything. All of it. Just not the tiny details that could settle me.

I’m quite unsettled and jittery lately. Peace comes not even with sleep anymore. Peace comes never. I’m always on guard.

But I know what’s going to happen with my life almost exactly in an odd way and I know what I’m going to do and I know that I don’t have to worry about it because someone’s set it up to fall into place for me.

I am Sarah Eckrich and as long as I keep who I am closest to my heart no one can take anything from me. Dead cereal.

This summer so highly confuses me. But it’s been good too.

Last night was interesting but I don’t think all involved parties want it talked about so I’ll just leave it at interesting and scary and holy hell and what not.

I ended up at Connor’s at 4 in the morning watching almost the rest of Almost Famous with him and Nick. Then they took me home around 5 (ps riding on handle bars of a bike can hurt).

So I need a shower hardcore and uhm… Yeah.

you know i really really like you

Oh because I’m totally the blind one that doesn’t see when she’s being used.

Puhlease. I use people. Not the other way around. And I don’t do that much.

Mmmm… Time to get out while I still have time…

On another note looks like Carrie and I are either hitting Pittsburgh for Warped Tour or Camden, NJ since Philly was canceled. *Sad Face*

Yes. Time for a new ear piercing and to go hang with the other Carrie.

The pink is also fading hardcore. It’s upsetting. Guess I’m on my way to all my hair being black.

I just changed my mind about piercing my ear. I’m just gonna go play more solitaire.

I hung out last night with Liz, Brian, Erin and Cory. It was pretty much mellow fun all in all. We watched half of Almost Famous at Erin’s and now I wanna see the rest. Foo.

So today I’m just hanging with me. Sitting around. Being lazy. (Day – lazy. Night – activity.)

But I have a feeling this placid settled time in my life shall soon be interrupted but I think it’s gonna be by a good thing so I’m feeling pretty damn good.

People disappoint me, but I’m fine. Chemicals disappoint me, but I’ll be okay. My family let me down, but it’s all right. And everyone changed into mostly what I hoped no one would ever be, but it’s gonna work out.

I stopped calling people and making an effort. I’m sick of being let down. I think I gave up behind my own back. I feel kind of empty and hollow like nothing will suffice anytime soon. But I might know why.

Chemicals and substances are great and all but I’m pretty much sick of them and the drama they cause.

My family… Let’s not go there. And let’s leave the people changing thing alone too.

This past weekend was good but fucked up. Everyone surprised me either by doing something good or something bad when I expected the opposite out of them. Everyone I barely talked to opened up and we had fun times and everyone I was close to got shady and sketchy.

The exception to this is Elisa and Steph. Elisa DID surprise me but in a normal way.

I feel… Peculiar. There’s a few things I really wanna say but I can’t… not to anyone. I just have to keep my mouth shut and when I think about it I freak out and cry and it’s the only thing that makes me do that right now. Why? I’ve gone back to bottling things up.

It’s not healthy.

Tonight… I don’t know how tonight will go. I don’t feel much like going out. But I am. I don’t feel much like doing anything but I will.

I think this is depression in the truest sense… It’s not being sad or crying a lot. It’s apathy and giving up and truly not caring because I really don’t. There used to even be a select few things even at my most apathetic I cared about and now I don’t and it bothers me.

When did I become this empty thing?

But that’s just it… I’m not. But I can’t be open anymore. I can’t unbottle.

I’m not sure what’s gonna happen yet… But I don’t think it’ll be pretty.

I’m scared. I’m nervous. I’m confused. I hate it.

little scenester bitch

That’s what I feel like lately what with my converse and hardcore music and hair and bandannas and star shirt. But surprisingly I’m embracing my slight vague scene-ness. It doesn’t bother me. I love The Academy Is… and The Almost and I’m excited to go hear people with little musical talent play emo indie post hardcore whatever the fuck nonsense at Warped Tour.

I can’t say I dislike who I am. Lately the only problem I’ve had with me is that the new Interpol CD got me down and I called Jason and then was all argh at myself for being annoying to people again. (I’ve gotten out of the habit of calling people when I’m in a bad mood… or really calling people much at all save maybe Liz and Elisa and Steph.)

I’ve had issueses before. I still do. I still have things I need to change. But generally speaking I’m back to two years ago minus my insecurities. This means I’m drawing again, my room is a mess, I’m not annoying people as much with my shit (which has a downside that I care to not think about right now), I can’t fall asleep at night because my mind races out of control, I’m okay with turning Inuyasha and other anime shit on TV when Alex is on the phone talking about it, and I’m probably gonna start playing video games again including my plan to purchase and play Guild Wars at some point in the hopefully near future.

I like to get wet. I like to get messy. I like to wrestle and hang out with guys. I like to drink. I like to scream and be loud. I like to go for walks at night for the hell of it. I like to smoke. I like to drink soda. I like to sing at the top of my lungs. I like to play guitar. I like to fix computers and car stereos. I like to wear bandannas on my head. I like to paint my nails black and pink. I like to dye my hair. I like to wear eyeliner sometimes. I like my pajamas. I like to sleep in till 3 in the afternoon.

I like to be so rowdy and running around like that I fall and get scraped and bruised and scarred. I like to skate (try). I like to be sweaty and “gross”. I don’t mind hugging sweaty people (pheromones… yum). I like to swear.

I’m not proper or lady like when given a choice. But I can be. And that’s why I rock.

PS: As much as I feel like this makes me sound conceited and egotistical, I’m not either of those. I’m a really caring person actually. I’m forgiving and sweet.

Just more reasons why I rock.

I like Elisa’s short and sweet version as well though…  “You’re smart, you’re sexy and you’ve got a great personality. Who wouldn’t love you?” =]

fuuuuuuuck

Last night was fun times. So let’s see what I can tell you (aka what I remember).

First of all, ow. I kinda don’t feel so good. I kinda wanna go back to sleep. I’m kinda nauseous and head achey. C’est la vie. I guess I deserve it.

So first there were feather on the fan. Then Elisa got to Steph’s. So Steph, me, Elisa and Nick were sitting around kinda sorta maybe drinking. And it was fun times.

We mostly just ran around a lot and stumbled and danced and yelled and such. And everyone was all over everyone else. It was chaos. Cell phone’s were lost. Pictures were taken. I dunno man… Wildness.

My right leg is killing me today, especially my ankle. Elisa is still at Steph’s. Nick is lost somewhere. My room is more trashed than it was before (courtesy Connor and his lack of being able to sit still and not mess with my shit). I’m more trashed than I was before.

I have a cute little Abercrombie and Fitch mini skirt so now I need to go take a bath and wash away all the water gun fight and drunk night grime and such.

Aw I love you guys so much. What fun.

I almost forgot the part where Adam, Gnome, Hambone, guy whose name I can’t spell and other guy whose name I don’t know came by and I ran out on the sidewalk and was an Indian.

And the part where Elisa told me something that… settled me.

NOW I’m off.

I’m being immature. I ran away from home. I’m at Steph’s. I hung out with Liz today cause she slept over last night and we had an after dark water fight at Steph’s with her and Liz and me and Billy and Brian and Jesse Banks and it was cool. Then I hung out with Connor today then Nick.

Connor left Steph’s. I got caught leaving which is why I’m here.

I’m with Nick and Steph and Elisa and Nick is sick and Elisa is awesome and Steph is sexy and we’re all slightly… not in right mind.

I love the world.

And Erin stopped by too. The end.

DR1NKdxfcvbnm

gfehj skgv biskufg,cb

Steph’s turn: zzzzzzzzzzzcocks

elisa’s trun: i amcoo sool,,

i’m going to puke

You can’t just go and erase all my memories like that. It’s not right. It’s just not fair. I really can’t believe you’d do that. And the sickening thing is that it didn’t happen before and it did now and I can’t believe it and I can’t understand it and just… I feel like throwing up hardcore.

It was nothing personal. Or maybe it was. But that image is locked in my head and when I went back to it it was gone and it’s all your fault.

I know I’m not making any sense but I don’t even remember the conversation that sparked that.

Every time I see the number 11 now I’m going to vomit. I feel… well now I feel emo because I’ve gone and written all of that. But I have an angsty side, I’m not gonna lie.

You can’t just erase your entire life. No one can. You can’t hide from your past.

And you have no right to take mine away from me.

I know everyone’s very confused right now but I don’t wish to explain. I DO wish to know the secrets of summer (sorry… song moment… Jack’s Mannequin).

I guess it’s times like these when you find out who your real friends are… And I’ve decided many people just aren’t worth the effort. And some people have been shafted lately and not given enough time. And other people have been abused.

Man I just feel fucking flipped on my head… I’m gonna go take a sleeping pill or something. Yuck.

oh em gees. I love lifes. I really do. And putting the letter ‘s’ on the end of words. Even plural ones. i.e. words becomes wordses. YAY!

[Life’s short. Take pleasure in simple things.]

So this whole week just flew by. Like bam! Friday comes in 2 hours and 20 minutes. Indeed.

Tomorrow night is big giant after dark water gun fight and after party. Saturday night is Elisa, Sarah and Steph party night. Tonight I don’t know nor care. And Mary is coming to Carlisle tomorrow night. =] Yay for that too.

Life is abso-fucking-lutely fantastic. Seriously.

[To be completely honest, I spent some time today crying which I haven’t done in like almost a month… But things with bills and health care and my parents and family and jobs are all fucked up again and the stress is getting to me behind my back but don’t worry about it cause I’m carrying on and being awesome.]

{Carrying on makes me think of Styx…}

Some people are so fucking immature that it’s not even funny.

On another note, drama is over which is good. And some people that were immature seemed to have grown up which I guess is good but you know little late for that one. I’m not letting myself get wrapped up in a bunch of shit again. It just won’t happen.

Chelsea’s uterus hurts. But back to other matters… (She wants the world to know that.)

The beach was cool. My hair is cut and black and pink and amazing.

Phil, Josh, and accoustic guitar boys on the boardwalk rock.

Hmmmmmm……. I’m not in a horribly typy mood? AAANNNDDD

I dunno. I have questions to ask persons and people fucking with my plans. You asses.

Now for cards and drinks. Ole! [I think I drink too much lately and pop too many pills… I really should stop… Maybe tomorrow… Or in a few years… You only live once anyways.]

im jello, baby

Copy pasted from xanga. PS Justin is going to Cali on Sunday permanently. Hm.

Elisa and Nate are my favorites.

I hung out with them tonight after I dropped Justin off at Sam’s. First me and Elisa sat in an alley and then we hung out with Nate. Yay! And then we went to my house and chilled. Then we went back. Yay for us!

Now I’m on the phone with Mary. =] I loves her too.

Aww man life is good. Except for the stupid tech support people that my mom makes me call for her cell phone. They’re all accenty can’t pronounce anything. Rawr at that!

Oh, and, by a show of hands please (I swear, I was going to be mature and not bring this up but I don’t really care to be mature about this matter anymore) how many of you think that I cause more drama than Jason?

See, my theory is this; Jason has always created drama between the two of us and gotten pissed when he did something retarded and I got upset. So I got news for you, kid; if anyone should stop talking to anyone over drama, it’s me stopping talking to you.

By the way, what happened to wanting to “make that bitch cry” anyways? Seems like the only one in a bad mood tonight was you. Aww… That’s so cute. Please. I’d like to see you try and hurt me.

You can’t hurt someone who doesn’t care. And I do care about you, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t give a damn what you think about me. It’s all bullshit and everyone but you knows it. And I tried to make things cool between us you know. Settle this bullshit and never talk to you. But you wanna act 5 about it and keep twisting things around and pretending like this is all my fault? Ok. Have your way.

I don’t care. Did you see anyone put up a fight tonight when you went in? Did you not see Elisa leave to go hang out with me? And not go back to talk to you?

I sound like a total bitch right now. And I know it. And I dunno that I like this side of me, but I’m done fighting to make things nice.

If you wanna apologize or call a truce and be done with this shit, you let me know. Until then, I don’t care.

from the past…

Reading over this blog and considering reposting things for the sake of getting my point across. But rather, I’ve picked just one thing. See, Liz called me last evening and read me a poem she wrote (well three but the serious one is the one I have in mind right now) and then when I read this I decided to post it again…

Up until the end
I’ll try to reconcile again
And wonder if we could’ve been friends.
But please don’t pretend
that this whole time
I didn’t know exactly what I was doing.

It was something that just sort of came into my head one evening, I remember. And I’d like to see it edited and lengthened into something good, but on the other hand it’s perfect just the way it is. It explains everything so fucking simply.

I don’t really care if you like it or not. I don’t post my work because I give a damn about your feedback, I do it because it’s a thought in my head and I love sharing my head with the world. It makes me content like.

Lately, I’ve been in a very bitter, immature mood. But you know what? I don’t care.

My good friends know who they are and know I’m always there if they need me (the Chelseas, the Carries, Liz, Elisa, Katie, Michelle, Nate, Sam, the Justins, etc.) and people like Erin or Connor or random ass people know they can go to me. And even Jason should know that if he ever decides to stop pretending there’s any reason to hate me, I’m here.

Why? Because I’m not that girl; the one who freezes people out and gets bitchy and pretends she doesn’t give a damn. I’ll fight to the death to keep things settled and calm. But sometimes you just can’t fight anymore.

That’s why I’m going to the beach. =D

the words you say have no meaning

I am so utterly sick and tired of drama. Apparently, something I said to Jesse was misconstrued (I tend to think it’s someone’s new tendency to try to find reasons to hate me… isn’t that cute?). I called Jesse and he said he knew I was being sarcastic. Meaning the problem is with fuck head. I yiy yiy…

I saw Nate today which was spiffy I s’pose. Nick and Justin stopped by briefly. Justin got pissed at me because of what I was supposed to tell him from Chelsea. (And the cycle of drama continues….)

I leave for the beach in three days! 11 am Sunday morning I’m the fuck out of here. (Hallelujah!) I absolutely cannot wait. Need the hell away from here…

On the upside of things… Umm… Well I’m in a good mood so whatever. The rest doesn’t really matter now does it? Well except maybe the eccentric people chasing me around… And my mom going psycho about me having a knife (oops… forgot to mention that one). Meh. C’est la vie, oui?

Gonna go to the beach and get a tan and go to H2o or H2o2 or both. =] Gonna sit on the beach at night. Gonna freeze… Gonna swim in the pool at the hotel. Gonna have nice fluffy hotel towels…

Gonna miss my family and my best friends. =[ I love you all. I do.

Even you, shit head. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wanna see your face for a long ass time, and fuck you cause I’m really pissed off at you, but I’m not gonna pretend I don’t give a damn. [Though right now I’m inclined to laugh at your misfortune over help.]

It doesn’t matter. I don’t know who reads this, but I know he doesn’t. Safe haven, at last.

[Oh let’s be honest… we’re never safe.]

did i really write that?

I jinxed myself. I decided to write out that I hoped I never stopped speaking to Jason permanently. And what happened? Tonight happened. And I suppose now I will never speak to him again. Not that I think he minds terribly because he desperately wants some space and probably honestly thinks I’m stark raving mad.

Well hopefully someday he’ll realize I’m not crazy; just 16, and over emotional, and I love him and all of the back and forth that went on took its toll on my head. Er… maybe I am just a little crazy (less than my family, more than the average street walker… well maybe not that last one; this IS Carlisle after all…).

And now my mother has gone and probably gotten him in trouble which is lovely. I feel really awful about that too. I told her not to say anything when she insisted on getting involved on behalf of my sister. Damnit. I don’t even know what I did today. It’s rather terrible really.

I’m going to be rather mood swingy and touchy over the next few days I suspect. If you require an explanation, my cell’s always on, and we all know I love to talk.

I hoped my kitty cat dying today was it, but then this, and after all this shit I find out my dad might have cancer.

PS Life is swell…