Archive for August, 2007

ill start this broken heart

I’ll fix it up so it can work again, better than before. ❤

The evidence is circumstantial, but it’s pointing to the obvious.

Ever been stuck between a rock and a hard place?

How about this whole being stuck between the ground and the atmosphere?

If I could just touch a star… If I could be up there in vast darkness and infinity and peace… What would life be like if I vanished for a time?

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I stole a ring from the flying horses.

They’re much happier to be on their own…

Today I came home from school and lay down and cried.

See http://www.xanga.com/pseudo_socialite

That should explain it a little clearer.

But I can’t really be totally honest anymore at all.

Slept all night, but don’t remember or feel it. The best feeling in the world today would be to get some hugs and some laughs. I wanna come home to no homework and no plans and just lay with myself in bed all afternoon till bed time. I want phone calls. And numbers and plans concocted.

I miss school cafeteria shitty cappuccino and I cannot wait to get my hands on it. =]

I’m not proud of being a lazy procrastinator, but I’m not unhappy about wonderfully BS-ing my entire AP English essay.

Geeze what a chore…

i’m a little pissed

1: School is tomorrow. That doesn’t piss me off; it just sucks.

What pisses me off… Well several things.

1: My mom totally bashing Catholicism and not supporting me in what I’m doing. It sucks a lot actually… I wish she could be more open minded. But I’ve got an Elisa (and her mom who rocks hardcore) and I guess that’s gonna have to be enough to do this.

2: Wes going around running his mouth accusing me of going to church and RCIA for show? Wtf Wes. You have NO fucking right to say that. You have no idea. I really can’t stand that. Maybe I don’t come off as spiritual because, hey, I just don’t talk about it a lot. But if I say I am and I’m putting time and effort into it, you have no right to say shit like that. Seriously, it really pisses me off! Me and Elisa went to church 3 times the one day. Was that for show? No. It was because It really does just get to me. I almost cried today when I thought we weren’t going to mass because I really needed it.

Take that as bullshit if you want, but it’s one of the truest things I’ve ever said.

On that note, I have an email and an essay to compose.

get off the bandwagon and put down the handbook

It’s never until you can stand back and look at the mess you were just in that you truly realize it’s size, be it bigger or smaller than you thought.

This won’t turn out well. I may just have been forced out of the way of the next atomic bomb. And I fear for those still in its path.

Oh well. It’s high school. The strong will survive, and the weak will off themselves.

That is why it is pointless to be “attached” to anyone.

Not that this has stopped any of us…

The storm today was terrifying and awesome. Something broke and cracked. And TV is broken. And someone I still haven’t started this other stupid book… Hm.

irresistable

To Buy List:

-that pear lotion that makes people wanna do me

-ballet shoes [NOT stupid fucking flats, real ballet slippers]

{I wanna walk on point again. =D }

-new laptop [or motherboard]

-iPod [or battery]

-purse

-socks

-shirts

-new camera

I’ma need to get me a job… Fuck.

I kinda wanna take ballet again too. And a new guitar and a bass wouldn’t hurt. (I do believe that the bass I was going to get has been revoked due to my, er, behavior this summer…)

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

This whole “being responsible” thing fucking sucks. =[

well shit

My room is as clean as I want it to be. And now that I have stayed up past being tired (what else is new?) I’m just going to sit around all night and play guitar [until my pretty thin little fingers bleed?] and enjoy it.

Tomorrow Chelsea brings books by and maybe a brownie and entertains my grounded ass.

And maybe Carrie and me go purse hunting. Or maybe just me…

And I read and write an essay.

Yesss… I think this might work just yet folkses.

HOLY SHITZ! DA LAZR GUNZ IZ GUNNA GITCHOO!

[Are school officials EVERYWHERE this retarded? I have no hope for the future of our nation or our nation’s children.]

I looked back at pictures from December. I realized how different and aged we all look. Some of us have lost that innocent sparkle from our eyes and some of us have lost the look of life in our eyes all together.

I am happy to report that even though I must look a little more bitter and cynical and aged than before, I still look alive. There’s still something in my eyes that I love.

Hey… I know I’m alrite and I’m alive and that’s really all that matters right now. (That and the 20 thousand things I have to do before school starts and the fact that I can’t sleep…)

egocentrics

It’s that one choice that stole the shine away from those eyes. So the picture is gone. I’ll always look back at it with a smile, but that smile is dead.

RIP. I never thought I could move on and live without you, but now that you’re dead, I’m going to have to.

It’s tough to lose someone, never get to say good bye, and accept that they’re never coming back. But I’ll be okay.

The past has me in a headlock. I have questions about only myself to ask. Only opinions. And once I know life will be as it’s chosen for me until I go otherwise.

Why? Because something in me says this is how it should be.

These next few days are going to be hell. And I’m crazy as well.

No more lip ring. This makes a lot of people happy. A lot of people didn’t wanna see my face with a piercing in it. My mom scratched me open. Today was long and pretty much terrible. I feel like shit. There’s one person I wanna see. One thing I wanna say. One thing I want to know. And then I can just… be.

But it’s not what you think.

I can’t ever see this person. Not anymore. Too late. You can’t talk to someone who doesn’t exist anymore.

There are parts of my life I’ve never spoken to anyone about and now they’re haunting my dreams and my waking world. And I’m handling it all wrong. I need help, but not like this.

So this is the first night all week I’m without Elisa (even though she just left no more than 20 minutes ago and I’m already talking to her on AIM…). My lip is unswollen. I may or may not keep the piercing. Meh.

Not a lot to say. Been up since 11 am yesterday. =]

Oh! Oh! I know! Soooo… Me and Elisa went to mass last night. Then we went to the chapel (at midnight…). Then we walked to mass in the rain this morning. (Why? Because I really really like mass.)

Elisa tells this story better than me… So I won’t try to tell it. I’ll just get to the point… No fuck I don’t even say it right.

Fine… Tomorrow I’m posting pictures and Elisa will probably be here again (if not I know she will be Saturday) and I’ll make her type it out.

BTW, pants don’t go on the roof… It makes people angry.

I would do it right.

When Elisa sends me pictures, I like them enough that I’m going to place them here.

I pierced my lip too.

fake tales on san francisco

Let’s be honest for a few minutes since generally the only times I blog are when I’m so happy I could burst or I’m depressed. And while lately I’ve been down it’s been an amazing summer. My trial with a certain drug set my life in line and helped me over my last relationship. It set my life in order.

My room is clean. My mom found things maybe she shouldn’t have but she’s yet to confront me so whatever. I need food and maybe to not be so nocturnal. I need to write some nonsense for school (ew). I need… I don’t know?

I need a cigarette and a shot of orange rum and my guitar. Yes, this would make me QUITE a happy child at this point in life.

Seriously though… A working even piece of shit car, a job I can stand, a pack of Djarum blacks, my guitar, my music, pen and paper… I think I could be happy for life.

But really, I missed the meteor shower cause I was at Adam’s and just forgot about it till now. Well shit… Whatever.

I’m happy with life. It needs improvement but I can make that happen any day. Why I don’t yet is beyond me… But I’m sure I will eventually.

It’s safe to say that even though things may suck now, when I look back on them in a few months I’m going to remember today and these times as funny and amazing and forget I was sad.

But at the moment, I just want to cease my existence for a while…

all alone in space and time

Last night everything in life was so clear to me. It all fell into place. I knew what should be for my life to turn out best.

But today I felt different. All the clarity fogged over.

Tonight I fall apart and in on myself.

I know it sounds really emo but that’s how I feel right now… Like my soul is screaming and I’ve been ignoring it and finally whatever condition has afflicted it has become terminal. I’m nowhere near death, but my spirit and my soul and my heart are.

And maybe this is just a moment and it’ll pass (I certainly hope so) and maybe I’ll just be a shallow shell and live a miserable empty life. But at least those who don’t care can’t be hurt.

For no reason at all, I really hurt right now.

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