Archive for September, 2007

I don’t understand today. Or what’s happened. Or a lot of things. It’s now almost 10 and that’s not late, but it kinda is since I’ve been up since 6 yesterday. No sleep.

But I’m horribly confused and kind of disappointed and just restless and… I don’t know. I can’t articulate what I mean. I can’t be coherent.

I’ll be home from Liz’s tomorrow evening. That might make things normal?

I just wanna know wtf is almost EVERYONE’S problem and why everyone is being so… sketchy.

Assholes.

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*rock is dead* long live paper and scissors

This is what Evan Stone’s shirt says. He just walked in the door (at 2:07 am… I know right?). He’s Liz’s college brother for those of you who don’t know. He’s a nice older brother. He shows up good music and helps me play guitar someimes and at the least let’s me borrow his. Very nice.

Once Liz’s mom goes back to bed and Evan runs off to bed land Liz, Elisa and I are going to go see Joseph! I haven’t seen him forever so I def. miss him.

And I got to talk to my pretty Nebraska friend Alex. I’m gonna live with him. He said I could wear his sweatshirts and sleep in his bed. He said he wouldn’t even mind me yelling at him in the morning when I’m cranky. Awww. He’s the sweetest thing ever.

Brainzorz is having a party tomorrow night that I’m trying to go to. I tried to call Justin (why are there SOO many Justin’s I know?) but he was not homezorz. Awww. I feel really bad cause when he called me on Tuesday I was in a terrible mood. But he cheered me up hardcore.

So… Tomorrow. 2-6. South Middleton Park. Cancer Benefit. Be there. Or die. (We paint faces!)

The end. Time to pretend to sleep.

I’m trying to be positive. But I swear if everyone in this damn house doesn’t stop complaining I’m going to fucking kill myself.

We’re ALL under stress around here. Stop bitching about the trivial things to each other. That’s what we’ve all made, say it with me, friends for.

*bangs head into chair* I’m done.

I’m gonna go live with Liz. I like her school more than ours.  I’m sick of everyone in this town.

That’s right.  I mean you. Go to hell.

(If you’re excluded from that, you know because I’m still speaking to you.)

who do you think you are?

 That one line totally made me have a complete paradigm shift. It took the whole blurry picture and made it clear. I understand. And I’m disgusted.

I know a lot of damn good actors, but in the end I have always triumphed.

Furthermore, I’m sick of people playing nice and talking shit on me behind my back. In all fairness, a lot of people I know have grown up past this. But to everyone who hasn’t; stop being such a fucking pansy.

I’m done. I’m not playig the games anymore.

Overall it was a good day. Tomorrow I get to go see Elisa. Yay me.

i got away with muder last night in the parking lot

in cold blood i have murdered parts of us that we forgot

[<3 Head Automatica]

Shakespeare Troupe is always fun but today was a bit of a train wreck. I can’t sleep at night. But maybe tonight I can. I cried a good bit over a good thing and maybe, just maybe, that’ll stop the flashbacks. =/

I can’t help but worry about the people I care about. Yes. That means every stupid thing Nate, Laura, Jason, Sam, Elisa, Liz, Carrie, various other people I know that sometimes participate in risky things do, I worry about.

Tomorrow is homework and freee day. Thursday Chad is taking me to see Elisa (he’s going to of course). Friday I’m planning on going to the football game at Liz’s school but if that doesn’t work, CHS has a home game. Saturday is Knoebel’s with Chelsea. Sunday is church and ELISA! Monday is RCIA. Tuesday is Shakespeare. 0.0 Holy tits. Life.

BTW, most of today made me wanna vomit. The hat and aviators are just so I can go incognito.

Elisa and I have agreed: today was terrible. She cried and I almost did. Seriously, what a suckfest. So naturally we hung out today (like we do every other day of our lives). We also abused Chelsea and Craig at Target (we were with Forest, Jerry and Amanda). Tonight Jimmy’s bringin’ her in town and her, me and Steph are doing ghey girl things. Then she’s hangin’ with Caleb I think.

I’ll be happy cause I’ll be drugged out of my mind. (HELL YES!) And I get out REAL early tomorrow (4 pm) to go sleep over at Liz’s house. We’re going to the football game at her high school and then I think we’re hanging out with Jerry that night.

Jerry has a black Jetta. I am going to rape Jerry (after I and a his girlfriend Amanda are done having our lesbian babies).

Fuck Carlisle. I’m gonna go live with Elisa or Liz. No… Seriously… If I could convince my mom I would. I fucking hate everyone here.

Exceptions: Chelseas, Carries, Lightpole, Steph, the old Adam’s house crew, Laura

Speaking of whom, she texted me today and hopefully we’ll fully patch things up tonight. I was hoping she’d come around cause we’ve been friends since we were 7 and I love her. =]

Do I feel like this right now? Well… no.

Usually the songs I post in here have some reflection to my feelings. Not always. And not in this case. But I started listening to this Boys Like Girls song today and it’s stuck in my head.

The first line of the chorus made me think of something random in my head which is this; you can learn to fall without being hurt. It’s all about confidence and clarity and self esteem and meditation. Maybe not so much that last one but I’m told it helps.

 

Boys Like Girls Learning To Fall Lyrics

Today is the day
The worst day of my life
You’re so content it hurts me
I don’t know why
The cost of misery
Is at an all time high
I keep it hidden
Close to the surface in sight

I’m learning to fall
I can’t hardly breathe
When I’m going down don’t worry about me
Don’t try this at home
You said you don’t see
I don’t want to know that you know, it should have been me

 

Could you be with him?
Or was it just a lie?
He doesn’t catch you like I do
And you don’t know why
You change your clothes and your hair
But I can’t change your mind
Oh, I’m uninvited
So unrequited now

 

I’m learning to fall
I can’t hardly breathe
When I’m going down don’t worry about me
Don’t try this at home
You said you don’t see
I don’t want to know that you know, it should have been me

 

Words screaming in my head
Why did you leave?
And I can’t stop dreaming
Watching you and him
When it should have been
It should have been me

 

Today is the day
The worst day of my life

 

I’m learning to fall
I can’t hardly breathe
When I’m going down don’t worry about me
Don’t try this at home
You said you don’t see
I don’t want to know that you know, it should have been me

Y&G: For kids who wanna turn their hotel room into a co-ed one and smoke pot in it [and later party].

Oh yes. I make good choices.

happy news, overly bouncy boobs, and blah

Good news: Chelsea and I are over-prepared for Shakespeare.

Overly bouncy boobs: Nuff said. How do the girls my size at our school suddenly have huge boobs? Silicon sluts.

Blah: I forget… What was I gonna say? Oh yes… I was going to make one of those random lists that means nothing but makes me feel better because a random string of words that caught my own head off guard needs written down. That probably turned into incorrect grammar somewhere along the way, btw.

So life… It’s to Zen. It’s to not knowing, but trusting it’s there. It’s to the clues your subconscious picks up when you’re too busy zoning out. It’s too late late nights and going to bed at 9 for once. It’s to tiny cups of cappuccino. It’s to the sound of heavy rain on a roof. It’s to lightning. It’s to long walks holding hands. It’s to crying all kinds of tears. It’s to the little words and actions that change you completely. It’s to taking something complicated, and letting the chips just fall where they may.

It’s to letting go, watching the stars, breathing air deep into your lungs, and being happy to be alive no matter what your circumstances are.

Never feel lonely, please, because you’re never alone. Even if your only company is, say, sitting up reading this right now, that means the me sitting here typing right now is with you even if the physical me is asleep.

You’re never alone. The earth is full of people and I promise at LEAST one of them is feeling just like you at this VERY moment. And even though you don’t know them, they exist. And sometimes that’s all you have to take comfort in.

But it’s little things like that that can bring comfort to tough situations.

I don’t know where ANY of that came from, but I like it.

Recap: Live simple. No drama. Stars and deep breathing. No aloney. =] Capeesh?

Awww but I do love you guys. Well, those of you I know. Because you’ve ALL shaped me in some way. And no matter how small, it’s part of who I am now and I owe at least part of it to you. =]

why’s it always you and never me?

The Perishers. Rise Against. Blah.

You know, I was in a basically fantastic mood today. This week has gone well. I got sleep last night. I got cappuccino this morning. The only homework I have is 5 questions in French that I could do standing outside the door before class.

And then along comes dear old dad to crush down my spirit and be a cloud of negativity.  Seriously, I also just left the car and walked home from out by the mall. I couldn’t take him. Yes, that turn WAS wide. I am now driving with one hand and rolling my eyes and taking them off the road quite a bit because I feel very much like slamming on the brakes and exiting the car. This was before the worst parts even.

September 11th: Kiss my ass. It was 6 years ago okay? I know everyone still hurts or whatever but seriously… Stopit.

Yes. I’m a little bitter right now.

I had happy good news but I’m in no mood to share now.

Here’s the real scoop kiddies (because my stomach hurts and I’m in such a bizarre mood and can’t sleep even though I shouldn’t be yet anyways).

I’m trying desperately to eliminate drama from my life. I’m trying to be responsible around my house and at school. I’m joining things and bettering myself. And once I know my work load a little better, I plan to get a job. (I’m still eeking by in some cases.) I got a kitten who is all my responsibility (my precious little Isabel) and so there.

I still do dumb things. I still party on school nights. I still do stupid things. I still make bad choices.

The important thing is that I’m trying to make good choices. All any of us can do in life is try. Said it before; still believe it’s true.

I know this funny feeling now though. This is off my chest and the fog around me is slowly lifting. And I’m sleepy. =]

BTW, disappointment at the disco over the recent immortilization of words that cut like knives. Seriously, betrayal is rough. But hey, whatevs. I’m not pursuing things anymore. I can’t. I HAVE to rid my life of this shit. I have no choice anymore.

[not meant to be emo btw]

And the meek will inherit the earth…

I gotta go get my Rush on. I gotta be up all night. I gotta get that addie buzz but IDK how I am going to accomplish that. Sooo I’ll figure something out. Just, if I don’t twitch my shit soon, I’ll fucking freak. AHHH! Calling Justin. Getting favor?

I went to RCIA with Elisa tonight. If you don’t understand, you don’t need to.

We are the priests of the temples of Syrinx…

Are you waiting for Elisa to get here?

Aww you are!

Giggle giggle. What an awkward last 4 days.

I love the fact that I keep meeting new people. I love that people I barely know have friends that wanna meet me. I love that they love me. I love going to church with Elisa and just chilling. I love doing nonsense with Steph. I love driving. I love Hammond’s rocks. I love kids from Newville. I love sophomores and seniors. I love crowd surfing at Shakespeare Troupe. I’m going to love directing. I love school.

I love life. =] Everything is fabulous.

[And yes, last night was a mess, and I’m still worried about my God child, but, and this will sound cliche as fuck, it’s in God’s hands. And yeah, I really DO believe that.]

Monday and Tuesday nights are now gone. And maybe Wednesdays? Depends on whether or not I end up doing MUN. Eep! =D

So I was told someone I knew died today (well didn’t die today… I was told today). This was due to a drug overdose so naturally, I did what I always do when something devastating happens; I was fine until it set in and I freaked and cried and starting shaking.

By some twist of fate, the person I heard this from heard wrong from who told her. [Short and less confusing version: the person Elisa heard it from said the wrong thing the first time around.] So I was very happy.

But never the less, it made me realize that I’m, and really all of us are entering the time in our lives when people we know and love will start dying because of stupid shit like this.

This kid is a nice, really smart sweet kid and I’m glad he’s not dead.

But now I’m worried about other people.

I’m not gonna try to sit here and preach to anyone about drugs. I’m just gonna say please, for me or yourself or whoever you choose, just be careful guys. TBH, the last time I lost anyone close to me I was 2. I almost lost my mom when I was 13 which perma-fucked me. I’m still getting over the scars and trauma that left me with. We all know I’m a little more fucked up than I should be.

Doing drugs, more so I should say being stupid and irresponsible, is what leads to this shit and no one deserves that.

I can’t convince anyone of anything just saying this. I know I sound stupid and cliche. But it’s all I’ve got to work with right now.

More later. Maybes.