Archive for November, 2007

cause i’m gonna tell the whole world how you really are

It’s not cute to fucking persistently bug me about a problem. If I want you to know, I’ll tell you. If you ask and I say don’t bother me about it, leave me the fuck alone.

Love of mine, one day you will die.

I can’t wait.

it’s a good day for photos in black and white…

I woke today to gray clouds. The first thing I remember looking at is a picture with Calvin Klein on my wall. It’s black and white and it’s just a man and a woman with the heads bent together on an empty stair case. Every time I see it I just think about how pure things are corrupted and how things are never what they appear.

Tonight I’m staying home. I’m gonna put on some nice comfy jammies and watch a movie and make hot chocolate… Maybe read a book and paint my nails. And I don’t want bothered anymore.

I’m sick of bullshit. I’m sick of lies. I’m sick of accusing. I’m sick of being the one that doesn’t count. I don’t say that out of depression or feeling insignificant. I feel QUITE significant. I say this because that’s how a handful of people in my life are treating me; like I’m below them.

I below VERY few people that I know. I will not put up with this anymore.

And for that matter I’m really tired of the superiority complex Catholics have about EVERYTHING. You’re a RELIGION based on FAITH and not fact so stop acting like a fucking cult. It’s annoying. I know VERY few cool Catholics. [For the record, I’m not bashing Catholicism in and off itself. I plan to become Catholic. I like the religion. I just REALLY hate a lot of the people I’ve come to know who are… very Catholic…]

The question is why am I dreaming of couches and belts and blueberries?

And why are circumstances such that they favor what is not reality? And why does what is reality make no sense?

I’m not even sure what I’m looking forward to right now… That’s kind of depressing actually…

you are EVERYTHING i want cause you are EVERYTHING im not…

That’s a lie.

I make friends with people like me. I wanna be like the people I make friends with. I want the people I like. People that are everything I’m not are either completely different, or have very little going for them.

It could be cool to have that feminine mystery built in; the kind that drives guys crazy. But you know what? I don’t play the be a complete bitch for no reason game. I’m a bitch often enough without that and it’s legit.

I’m smart. I’m cute.I’m observant. I’m cynical. I’m strong for my size. I know how not to get attached. I know how to be a bitch. More importantly, I’m not afraid to strike you when you’re down. In fact, there’s a high chance I will.

I won’t give you enough ammunition to hurt me, just to knock my pseudo ego down a few pegs now and again.

I’ve learned to let go of the little technical questions and let life run its course and trust that it’ll take me where I’m supposed to go. It’s something everyone should learn to do. But many of you won’t your ENTIRE life.

It took me 17 years. That should tell you something. You wanna try to fuck with me? Go ahead. I know more mind games than you and I’ve got more people on my side, some following falsely and blindly, all of them thinking what I’ve decided they should.

It’s nothing more and it’s nothing less. Don’t assume. Don’t try to analyze. This is the only truth right here, baby.

Or maybe this is a cleverly designed lie too.

But the truth is, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to EVER know, 100%, that you know the truth.

13) Have you fallen in love?
ive fallen in a lot of things. the point is that you get up and go on.

I’m in a horrible mood.

look a ficus!

So there’s a lot I could say right now but I think I should keep quiet with the specifics.

People are all changing and acting weird. But suddenly the confusion is for the better.

I’m rather content for the time being.

Okay kiddies listen up; I’m out of school. Apparently this means I’m officially an adult now. =] Go me. And now I need to get a FULL TIME job. *hides* Work and me don’t mix. Yes, let’s be honest, that was a BIG contribution to my leaving school.

That and Halo 3 (I kid).

So music is in my blood and genes, but apparently so is modeling. 😉

“you make me wanna throw you on a bed and have my way with you”

Ah yes… I do have some amazing, although crazy, friends.

Last day of school? Let’s hope so seeing as I’m leaving in two minutes to formally withdraw. Am I doing the right thing? Well I guess we’ll find out. Either way I’m too far in the hole academically at this point and I think if I don’t pull myself out now, school’s kicking me out. I don’t think I’m being given a choice. But I’m a creature of habit and yes I will miss some of you.

But it’s not like I’m unreachable. I’m one of the most horribly reachable people I know. So reach me kay? I’m not out to alienate my school friends or be a recluse.

Speaking of which…

I discovered something today that I didn’t wanna know. It wasn’t being kept a secret from me directly, but on the other hand I guess it was.

I know I don’t make sense and I promised this was the kind of thing I would never pay attention to, but all things considered I temporarily revoke that.

What matters isn’t that you understand what’s going on; it’s that you understand that it hurts and that life is FINALLY getting to me.

I throw in the towel. I’m a little depressed.

and a voice on the other end of the phone says why don’t you write a song about it

Because the piano is the best composition tool but I would far rather play guitar than piano at this point.

Or play some Halo. Or anything. Someone clean the laser in the playstation please? I’m not allowed to touch it [because Lord knows it’s not like I’m good at electronics or anything like that… sarcasm perhaps… yes].

You are in a period of transition. Apparently that means you’re going to drop dead in 2 days. And that is why astrology is a lot of bullshit.

I’m a libra; the only non-animal sign. Therefore I > all of you.

I’m not making much sense these days I realize. I’m not really very grounded anymore, but I wish I was.

ftw

The only word to describe life as of late is crazy. Hands down. There’s also some descriptors that could be thrown in such as rum, driving, cloves, Halo, skipping and more rum but why bother with technicalities.

I’m leaving school. Sick of explaining this story though.

Have a new family. That’s right. Blood wasn’t cutting it. Shocker there right? And one of my best friends like hates me now or something and the other is being zomb’ed out by drugs. T-rriffic right? But I digress…

I wish someone had had the camera tonight. Seriously, maybe it’s the smoke and the rum getting to my head but I felt so neo 20’s street whore… Walking around at 4 am smelling of smoke with a pack in the pocket of my leather jacket (which by the way is awesome) and some 3 or 4 inch heels… And there’s fog and wet streets and street lights that flicker and cut through the mist and meanwhile I’m just clicking along watching my phone as the messages add up again. Ridiculous.

I’ve been in a terribly creative mood. That’s why I’m up, out, and my calf is covered in sharpie.

PS rum and Sarah don’t mix. They do, but I get kinda stupid. Then I sober out and get a headache. Or maybe that’s the addie talking. I’m not sure.

20 thousand people from 30 thousand directions right now. And when it comes down to it, I always end my night on one of those couches either fighting with Caleb and Hambone or falling asleep watching a movie or someone play video games. But Adam’s house is my favorite.

My friends ARE my family and no one takes care of me better. I’m saying that at 17 so maybe I’m naive. Total possibility. But right now I’m a little beyond caring.

School’s in three hours. Oh joy.

Yeah so shit was going down. But it’s gonna be a-ok. Life is getting back on track. Me and Elisa had drama but we’re back on track. Today we just hugged and burst into tears and we both needed it sooo bad. I love her more than anyone else. On earth. And I’m so glad we’re back. =] And better than ever.

I was confused as fuck about some boys but it’s all evened out. Svend just wants in my pants I think and if that’s the case we’re not having that. I thought I liked Caleb, no lie, but I don’t. So hurrah. And then there’s the really sweet little one that I don’t know about.

My head is undrunk right now though. It’s unfuzzed and undepressed and clear and happy as shit.

In other words though, Jason Smith. I miss you. I do. But not like that. Not anymore. I miss talking to you though and hanging out. But we’re busy. We have different friends. But someday I hope things can be like back in the day. We were friends. I don’t wanna weigh you down with my shit. I just miss hanging with you.

This is all that’s on my mind.

Mostly though that I love Elisa. We took a SUPER long bath. She shaved me. We listened to a sweet CD. Now I’m here in her room in just a towel and she’s cleaning and we’re both sooo happy. She saved me from spinning out of control and I saved her from the hospital or death.

We’re perfect. (Not like that.) I love her more than any other and anyone who fucks with her gotsa go through me. We’re forever. And Claire too. She’s pretty rad. =]

Love you all. Love me back. Fuck hate. Let’s all be chill.