Archive for July, 2008

skin and bones

The pink patch, containing 5-HTP which supposedly will make you lose weight, and be energized and happy. I know about something like that… But it comes in a variety of colors and sizes and it can kill you.

But at least if that’s how I died, I would die happy…

Challengers by The New Pornographers

[it’s quantum physics on a mission…]


if i don’t make it…

know that I loved you all along.

but sara i only expect to see the whole thing a little bit clearer

It’s raining in Maryland today.

My head isn’t set on straight today.
I want to paint a dragon in a sea with a small burning galleon,
but my artistic abilities don’t stretch that far.
My knowledge of all things technical is failing me as of late.

Is it your face that’s got you down?

usually when people tell me their families are against them i tell them they’re full of it…

I’m moving out. I’m dropping out. I don’t want any part of this mess of a family anymore. These people who just lie to each other all the fucking time. People who say one thing to your face and the exact opposite behind your back. Sure, teenagers do that. My friends do that. Hell, I do that. I’m not proud of it and so I’ve tried to stop and I’ll be damned if I haven’t made progress. But my own damn family?

If you have something to say, say it to my face. I already know you’re not proud of me and you think I fuck everything up but the really fucked up part of all of that is that you’re the one whose fucking habits sucked out the only chance for half normal teenage lives my sisters had, the one who made my whole life until 15 when I met people I felt I could trust, and then just didn’t care anymore, the who made my life a lie, a fucking secret.

You made me ashamed to live the way that YOU choose to live. You’re the reason I don’t feel bad doing the things I do and you’re the reason that at 85 pounds I can hold my liquor better than 95% of my friends and have to fake being drunker than I am so I don’t seem like a freak.

You’re the reason for every secret screaming in my soul that I’ve never spoken.

And you know what? I’m fucking tired of keeping quiet…

yoshi island!

So tonight ended up better than expected. I went for a walk and met up with Jason. We walked around a bit and saw Erik and said yo what up. Then we came back to my house and sat up and talked for like 5 hours and had a really really good conversation. There was no sad, no tears this time, nothing but good. I told Jason that I’m really glad we can just be friends again and things are perfect. And they are. Before he left [well got in Justin’s car so we could drop him off before going to Justin’s] I gave him a hug and told him I loved him and he said it back. And duh of course we love each other and of course not like that anymore. Point is this kid verbalizes things I think but never say and I like it. And he told me tonight that he’s glad he can talk through things with me. And I am too. I missed us being like biffles. Ditto with Elisa who things are back to old ways with and I can’t explain the overwhelming awesome that brings me.

Then me and Justin played video games. 🙂

By the way… So I have this boyfriend thing now and it makes me happy and I think I like it more than anyone should for the short amount of time I’ve been hanging out with him. But basically, I think about him and smile and it’s just about retarded.

I can has be happy kid? Cause I’m definitely happy. 😀

hollywood hills and suburban thrills. hey you, who are you kidding?

I’m not like them. I won’t buy in.

So there’s this little thing called drama that results in badness. And there’s a little thing called drama right now because of a little thing called lying. So here it is; occasion for another rant about how there are only two things that REALLY matter in any relationship [I don’t throw in love or caring or understanding or anything like that because they’re things that you can’t force… like immature people can’t always understand and like you can’t force love and such].

1: Honesty
2: Respect

That’s all I expect. I used to be an over-reacting psycho bitch. Now, I think I’m more of an overly-apathetic chick thing with a very male personality. You could be dating me, get REALLY fucked up and fuck some other chick, and ya know if you were TRULY sorry, I could understand and work things out. I WILL trust people if they can be honest.

I don’t know… I suppose that leaves me open to get fucked over but I have friends… GOOD friends and lots of them and everything ends up out in the open eventually. And why? I think me never lying adds to it somehow. Maybe it doesn’t, but..

I don’t even know. I suppose sometimes people aren’t what they first appear to be.