Archive for August, 2008

i was taught a month ago…

It’s strange how it’s just recently dawned on me all these things that I took advantage of. Maybe a better way to put that would be things  that I took for granted. Things I never would’ve thought twice about that I suddenly realize were huge things. Man, will a day come when I don’t stop and realize something else screwy I did when I was younger?

Oh well… The more things I realize about my past, the more of a leg up I have on my future. The mistakes I realize now that I made I can keep from making again. Well, er, that’s how it’s supposed  to work at least… But I’m special. 😀

I’m the happiest fuck up I know because I still have plenty of time to get my life back together. Oh to be young and stupid… And then realize that you’re young and really really stupid.

It should probably bother me a lot that I made huge mistakes and slacked off but all I can do is look back at the past 3 bizarre crazy years of my life and shake my head and sigh and laugh. And you know what? If that’s insane, I’m okay with that. I’d rather be laughing at myself for realizing what stupid things I’ve done than beating myself up.

Positivity and negativity are both contagious. In my humble opinion, there is far more than enough negativity in this world already. The world could use to smile a little more…

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come down with me

What is it really to exist? To be? To love? What makes anyone who they really are? What shapes your ideas and opinions? Where is the line between being who you are, being an individual, making your own decisions, and letting your friends have a hand in molding you? Is it a conscious decision or one made for you by this point? Are people really all basically the same or is that a horrible misconception about the world? How do you tell the liars from those criminally insane? How do you tell lies from the truth? Can you know someone’s own true feelings better than they known them themselves? Why do our thoughts change so fast and so frequently?

I keep being told lately that I seem miserable or angry or depressed or upset or bitchy. I’m all of those. Some of the factors affecting my mood are obvious and simple things, most of which I have no control over. All I can do is try not to let them get to me. I’m trying. It’s harder for me when I’m alone, but I’m trying. Well, that’s not quite so true. Lately I’ve been letting myself feel my feelings, get the negativity out of myself. It’s rough and miserable, but I think in the end I’ll feel better.

Some of the other factors affecting my mood are more personal and complicated. I find myself having trouble lately letting go of certain aspects of my life and accepting new ones. I’m not even sure how I feel about everything.

But clarity will come in due time I’m certain. Until then I can just try and keep my chin up and my eyes dry as much as possible.

May 27, 1962. What are the odds? 17927. Pennsylvania.

Go do your research kiddies. The world you live in is full of fascinating and unimaginable things, both brilliant and terrifying, and in number exceeding what you could see or take in in a lifetime.

I’ve been plotting out maps and directions all morning. Just wait…
Places like these shouldn’t be forgotten so quickly…

summer 08

So I was sitting here just thinking and wasting time [what else is new?] and decoded I wanted to make a list of some of the things that were memorable that happened this summer seeing as this summer apparently felt like a good time for me to stop blogging… I’m gonna try to start at the beginning but I make no guarantees.

-all the naked dance parties at Connor’s
-Stephen Stone’s graduation party where I got overly drunk and Steve Carmelle moved him arm for a minute and I felt into [and completely smashed] a foam cooler.
-sign thivving with Dave and Elisa
-A random drive in the middle of the night stealing the Buick and driving out in the middle of nowhere with Elisa. She almost died drinking a Sprite parked near what I think is like the only stop sign in Bloserville, then the demon crying boy in boxers that freaked us out. Running over a rabbit in front of Victor’s and doing 85 down Creek Road with me and Elisa playing rap really loud and laughing our asses off.
-Dave almost killing everyone every time we would just go drive around. 😀
-Going up on the mountain in the middle of the night and listening to a hawk annoy Justin and him just telling it to “fuck off” in a really mellow but pissy voice. Then going up again at sunrise.
-Cave exploring drunkenly.
-Hanging out with Gus? Cause it’s random as hell really.
-“Cupcake, do me a favor… Hand my cigarettes.” “Princess, grab my beer.”
-Going to Rehoboth Beach and Ocean City with Carrie.
-The night little Carrie slept over and Jason came over and we all took a nap.
-Jason coming over to cook for me and Elisa and ending up making ramen and getting pissed off as all hell, and then getting over it. 🙂
-The time Chester took me to the Championship and I ran into Craig and who not and all of that goofy nonsense.
-“Nobody drives my car.” And then driving Craig’s car 2 days later.
-Hanging out at April’s a LOT. 😀
-Mike deciding my name is Megan because I look like a Megan.
-Liz and I “decorating” Craig’s car.
-Elisa and I doing the same thing, and Craig getting a LOT more pissed.
-Throwing up in Elisa’s mom’s car.
-Decorating the Ramen Noodle Ball and a baseball.
-“It’s under water!” “No! Pandamonia isn’t! That’s Kinzua, Dave!”
-“This isn’t oxygen, it’s helium!”
-“I’m not on x, I just really like floors!”
-That whole “look it’s a mustang it has a horsey; no you stupid cunt it’s a cobalt” thing that turned into an epic game to be played for centureis.
-“The pony across the river with the marshmellows told me you’re my best friend!” And trying to listen to the fire while looking like that kid in The Grudge.
-Scaring people in the park.
-The world’s most epic, and stupidest, game of manhunt in the park. Oh yes, it made the papers.
-Staying up all night and deciding we couldn’t wait 15 minutes for Nell’s to open, or 5 minutes for chicken, and driving to Wegman’s to wait 10 minutes for chicken and Dave getting pulled over.
-Streaking and then proving that I could run fast when frightened.
-Dave and Craig racing on Creek Road and the beat ass mustang beating the grand am.
-Dropping Elisa’s $200 phone and then throwing mine around.
-“Dave, how pissed would you be right now if I told you I didn’t really have my license?”
-Skateboarding accidents, part 2. Enola is no good. -.-
-That morning everyone switched cars.
-Sleeping in the Target parking lot just so I could say I’d done it.
-Piercing my lip.
-Frequent middle of the night drives to EVERYWHERE with Justin and almost Baltimore one morning.

…My ADD set in. I’ll finish this later.

because we couldn’t have a calm day…

i cannot describe the seething anger in my body right now.
i feel like every image i take in should be fringed in crimson
and every breath should burn my throat. i feel like my veins
should be almost bursting, raising ridges on my skin, and
the blood pumping through them should be like fire.

and yet all i can do is watch my hands shake as i try to type.

i’m so completely and utterly disgusted with the state of
things, and of people, lately. it’s like someone tore a
blindfold off of me and suddenly everything is coming into
painfully sharp focus for me. every edge, every facet of every
person is clearly defined and etched in place. there are no
more questions. no uncertainties. there simply is what is.
there’s no more hidden meanings, no mysteries. everything
just makes sense.

i always thought that i wanted to see the world like this, with no
questions and everything spelled out to me in plain ink. now
that that seems to be the case though, i’m not so sure….

ignorance is bliss. 

the knowledge i have recently stumbled upon sickens me…

 

 

What was I referring to in that particular bulletin? Fucking crazy ass people… See me for further explanation…

a night of new sensations and experiences

Well I just thew up, like legitimately puked, for the first time since I was five years old and had pneumonia so bad. It was interesting. It would sound stupid to say it was fun or something, but I didn’t mind it. Not because it was fun. My jaw felt odd, and it tasted bad, and not cool. But it was something completely new to experience. Something for me that I hadn’t ever felt anything life before, or more so didn’t remember.

Our lesson for today kiddies is that 250mgs of tramadol and food, though perhaps just doughnuts and perhaps simply because of how sugary they are to begin with, do not mix well.

On a brighter note I’m stupidly happy. My best chickadee is on the other end of the couch from me in one of my favorite hoodies and wrapped up in sheets and a table cloth sleeping. We’re leaving for church in an hour and a half. Dave Person the very epic is about 3 inches from my hip resting his head on the couch but laying on floor asleep. Jerry’s playing video games as usual. And here we are just chillin’ at Dave’s apartment [well his dad’s but who’s counting?]. There’s no food, but ramen and cheese. 🙂 And there’s a communal ramen bowl. I decorated it with sharpies, and a baseball.

On top of all of this I feel incredible and happy. Jason, who I feel stupid calling my best friend but who is, is home from Canada and very pleased with how things went. I’m jazzed to tell him about what’s been going on since he left and to hear about Canada.

On top of all of that further, there’s the boyfriend. It’s stupid to sit around being gooey about the situation and sappy. But on the other hand, right now I want to. Let’s face it; sometimes Craig drives me crazy and really severely annoys me. But finding the right person isn’t about finding the perfect person, but rather the imperfect person whose flaws you can love.

Craig is my opposite in a lot of ways. He balances me out. He’s fundamentally everything I’ve wanted. And he’s a lot of things I needed but didn’t realize til I had him. As if being this put together responsible has goals kid wasn’t enough, there’s so much more.

I feel like an idiot going on forever Especially while my eyes keep sliding shut, but I’m gonna continue anyways.

On top of everything else, he cares about me. Like REALLY cares. I know he’s a typical boy like to the max, but I can honestly say he really gives a shit about me. Taking care of every emotional fit I could have may end up being a chore someday. The more comfortable I get with someone the mood I can let my true emotions bleed through.

I digress. I’m not sure exactly what it is about him that draws me to him. What it is that’s practically and inexplicable enchanting. But it’s there. Of all the people, all the places, all the weird circumstances… That I would run into him at a show and that a night of looking to get laid would turn around his views about me. That the next night would turn my views around about him. That that same night at Champ he would call me at like 4 am upon returning from Jimmy’s just to talk. Or that in the days to follow he would text me and talk me into calling him because he wanted to hear my voice before he went to sleep.

How about how he would come in and find me before and after work and lay around with me. That he would play guitar and be amazing at it. That he would remember all the random times that we’d crossed paths before. That he’s be stupidly cute and make the best faces, and dinosaur noises. That he’s be willing to do so much for me and that I don’t understand why.

Mostly, that he would love me. Somehow, despite all the crazy and flaws and sexual shyness and frustration I must put him through, that he would love me. That he does love me, and that I don’t have a doubt about it when he says it. That even though we constantly bicker that I still feel like things are just… RIGHT.

That that all sounds really stupid and immature but I can’t help it. I like him more than anyone should who’s been dating someone for barely 2 months. But I’m like a moth to a  candle with him. Fascinated. Drawn in from the beginning. Something about all of this is just… correct.

Things feel in place here.

So here I am… Same people sleeping and Jerry still playing video games. Here I am thinking about how lucky I would get for my life to work this way. Here I am counting down the hours till boy gets off work because I just have an overwhelming desire to hug him, hold him, latch on to him, whatever, and just stay there for a while and tell him just how much I love him.

I sound like such an idiot right now, and I don’t care.

It’s time to set an alarm for 6 am, take a little 45 minute nap. 🙂

I don’t loveknow you.

mirror in the sky, what is love?

It’s been a long strange summer and I’m just now looking back at the whirlwind that was March through now. Where does time go? Where do the people and the memories go? And why have I not documented it all a little better?

I found this morning I was just full of questions. I was sitting there racking my brain for little forgotten pieces of the puzzle, the chain links that bring everything together in the end to what it is now. I can’t remember some of it and most of what I do remember to this day I can’t explain.

I think maybe what I need is a day alone, and sober, to just BE and not worry. A day to take off, turn off my phone, and just think and exist. But when will that be? I need to apply for a job, do school work, and my company seems to always been in demand by my friends. Don’t get me wrong, I love that people love to be around me and I like being the person people go to, but I think I need a break from all of it before I snap.

Maybe I already have. I don’t think about how I feel anymore though. I don’t have time for emotions.

Maybe that’s the real problem… I’m not real anymore. At my core, I don’t exist. I took everything that was me and locked it up tight never to come out to the real world.

I’m supposed to go to Gettysburg with the boy thing today. Hopefully it will be a nice, long, peaceful drive. But with a ridiculous car and metal I have a feeling my wishes will be dashed.

…I’m not sure where I go from here to be honest…

but was it worth it in the end?

My head is all a jumble. It’s the little details that make or break it. The crack in my face that smiles or frowns and the almost spheres with their optical nerves taking in the world around me. It’s the little things that determine whether they start spouting tears or not.

I haven’t really slept at all since I woke up midday Monday. Now it is Wednesday morning and I’m not tired, just pensive as fuck. Do I cry? Do I laugh? Do I work? I should be doing school work, but I’m not. I’m sitting here wondering when the dope sickness might set in this time… Wondering how little I might eat this time in another sick drugged up experiment of how little Sarah can eat and survive.

I could live forever. At the same time, I could belt myself to the hood of my boyfriend’s car in the rain today while he goes 80 down a windy road and pray. Maybe I won’t do that though.

Maybe really I just want someone to hold me right now, to look me in the eyes, to tell me that things are going to be okay without any doubt or hesitation in their voice. But who do I know that believes that? Well me the majority of the time because I know things will work out but I don’t think other people believe me.

And this morning, right now, with time running together like water colors in the rain, I’m not even so sure. My mind is at a strange place… A fork in the road where the signs exist high above my line of sight and there’s fog rolling in over the pavement but headlights are coming up on me fast demanding a choice.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure what I want.

Actually, I think this is the drugs talking.

with just one push of your tongue

I cover my curtains and sit alone sipping water. I’m on the verge of getting a hangover or puking up all the synthetic opiates I’ve put into my system lately. I’m listening to loud indie music and painting my nails bright blue. My AC is off.

I have lots of quasi plans. I could go see people right now but I’m not out looking because I enjoy Sarah time.

I’m losing my mind, but at least I’m getting shit done.

in too deep

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and i was elusive as fuck too.

People are too fickle, myself included. But how our thoughts and emotions are ever changing, how we’re ever learning, growing, thinking, forming new opinions. And nothing makes sense anymore. And will it ever again? I’ve never been told it gets easier as you get older, just harder. But at some point, it’s got to lighten up a bit right? Well, maybe when we hit our 70’s or something…

And to think, I looked forward to this whole growing up process to some degree. I was a smart 10 year old not to want to age past 16. Then again, I wouldn’t want to be stuck at that age either.

I guess we all have to go through the bullshit. Mostly, I’m glad I never let them put me on any medications. Chemicals man… They’re fun, but I think I’m done with them for the most part. The last thing any of us need, especially me, is something else to complicate our thoughts and the way ours fragile little psyches work.

It’s time for me to grow up now.