Archive for October, 2008

and tonight in sarah land…

Firstly, it is officially Halloween. Yayz.

But trick or treat night was far more epic. Sit down and put on your reading eyeballs, kiddies. It’s story time in Sarah land.

Once upon a time in a quaint little town in a crack neighborhood lived a small girl named Sarah. During her 19th year of life [aka the time period post her 18th birthday and pre her 19th] she became ill and missed a lot of school. One fateful Thursday, which just so happened to be trick or treat night, she awoke at 12:15 PM and waltzed into school again at 12:30, over coming her crippling… head cold? [We don’t know. Doctor’s appointment is tomorrow.]

After school let out she hopped into her land boat [car] and drove off across her quaint little town to pick up her friend Carrie. Carrie and Sarah got into her land boat and after a road battle (royale) with a big stupid meanie head in a black truck, they were cruising back to the crack neighborhood to pick up Sarah’s costume and some munchies.

Upon arrival at the house Sarah and Carrie were greeted by Sarah’s mother doing d-baggy things as usual. She got into an epic battle of wits with Sarah. An agreement about Sarah’s illness had been made; if she made it into school on that fateful Thursday, she could take her land boat and venture off into the land that was, and is, Newville. Sarah fought long and hard, and then bawled her eyes out, and was finally released from prison.

Sarah and Carrie quickly gathered their things and fled the penitentiary to the land boat for shelter. Off they went in the little car towards a little place called Sheetz.

When they arrived at Sheetz, it was chaos. A riot was on the brink of breaking out and metal goliaths battled to find a pump at which to fill their tanks with life giving gas. After much maze running and misconfigurations, Sarah spotted a pump with just one little Impala and no line. She raced for the spot, and by raced I mean drove there unopposed.

After much cursing and swearing at the tiny man with the Impala to hurry the fuck up and to pay with a credit card and not go the fuck inside, the man entered his car. Sarah sent Carrie in to Sheetz to prepay for her gasoline as she pulled up to the pump. However, after pulling her car in, she remembered Carrie could be ditzy and decided to follow her into Sheetz.

First, she saw a familiar looking lad enter a truck. The truck drove now by her line of sight and the two strapping young lads in it waved to someone else in a mini van. “Stupid red mini van”, Sarah thought to herself, cursing her fate. She knew she would have to walk around it to get into Sheetz.

Then, all of a sudden, the charioteer of this vast red obstruction turned to Sarah, smiled, and waved. Immediately she recognized him as Dylan, her musically inclined companion. She raced towards the mini van now and threw herself superman style, i.e. arms and head first, through the passenger window, squealing. She asked stupid questions, slid out of the van, and continued on about her life putting gasoline in her tank.

Pulling out of Sheetz was another trick, but a kindly blonde woman driving a truck with a blue trailer let her slip out in front of her so that she could make the left turn. She caught a red light anyways, because that was just Sarah’s luck on this fateful day.

Soon, she and Carrie were off, heading down Newville Road and listening to the radio. In a matter of about 15 minutes, they were sitting at Newville’s only red light. Sarah bounced in her seat knowing they were less than a minute for their future haven, the Newville skate park.

Soon the light was green and they took off down the street. One right, and then another into a stone parking lot. However, they were not greeted by the familiar people they had hoped for. Sarah whipped forth her cellular communications device and furiously sent a text to her lovely fiance, miss Maddy.

Just then, someone pulled up next to them. It was back. The red mini van. And Dylan, of course. Carrie, Sarah, and Dylan stood in the parking lot bullshitting for a while. Sarah received a call from Maddy, and then stood waiting for her to make the trek from Pizza express about a block away to the skate park.

Meanwhile, over the expanse came strolling Matt holding a strange white object. Dylan mused as to what it could be. Sarah suggested ice cream, then a sugar cookie, then was dismayed to find it was actually a popcorn ball.

Almost instantaneously Maddy came sprinting, knocking into Sarah in happiness. Sarah, Maddy, Trevor, and Carrie headed off towards pizza express. Meanwhile, Dylan departed towards home, screaming “fuckers” to the pedestrians along the way.

At the pizza shop, Kim and Levi sat at booths awaiting the travelers’ return. Levi sat alone in a booth while Maddy, Sarah and Carrie squeezed onto one seat, and Kim and Trevor shared another. Pizza slices, french fries and soda pop were placed before the teens like a feast. Soon enough, Matt and Ashley waltzed in. The gang was all here.

After some epic bottle cap flicking, french fries being placed on shoulders, and many many pictures, the children decided to go play hackie-sack in the street and depart for the skate park, once again.

Matt decided to drive taking Kim and Ashley with him. Sarah and Levi jumped upon his car en route and remained there until Matt stopped the car, insisting they go back to walking.

At the skate park, there was more hackie-sack and more pictures. There were videos too! Until, finally, the sun was falling low on the horizon and parents with small children were invading the parking lot [SARAH’S parking lot, I may add, as she had the biggest car and it totally would’ve eaten everyone else’s shitty ass stupid fucking cars]. The children decided a transformation to Halloween was necessary.

Sarah and Carrie changed in Sarah’s house boat/land boat/tank/car. Everyone congregated in groups. Jerry Guido, the scene, arrived on the scene driven by Mr. Jordan the epic. After some bullshitting around, Sarah went with Carrie to the group containing characters such as Levon, Kim, Ashley, Brice, Alex, and Scott, who found heckling poor trick or treating 18 year olds to be fun.

After much waiting around and impatience, a group of Maddy, Sarah, Carrie, Jordan, and Jerry set off into the night to collect candy. At some point, Maddy and Jerry broke away. The other three, the trick or treat crusaders, continued on their epic quest for candy led by Jordan the Brave.

Soon enough, with frozen fingers and arms covered in goose bumps, it was time for Sarah and Carrie to find the murder machine and depart back to crack town. The hustled to the skate park where the rest of the group, which contained characters like Megan, Jesse, Joshy, and Dave, had finally, and I do mean FINALLY, arrived.

Sadly, the two could not stay. They departed the skate park, but ran into trouble. An evil d-baggy crossing fag waved the two girls on with his flashing glow stick to make their left [you know the motion… first towards your car, then in whichever direction you’re supposed to drive]. After spotting some kids, he changed his mind, held up his little orange flag, and screamed for them to back up.

They did this. He walked towards the car, and Sarah rolled down the window. It was too late. Despite her sincere apologies and ass kissing, the man screamed and yelled like some creeper with roid rage who probably really needed to get laid. He threatened that another infraction would result in police contact and loss of a license [yeah… because trying to go left when you WAVE SOMEONE TO FUCKING TURN LEFT is grounds to take someone’s license… someone should’ve fucking just run his fat ass over]. Then he snapped “now get out of here!” and proceeded to stand IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LANE THE TWO WERE TURNING INTO. He was a stupid pig. If Sarah ever sees him again, it is rumored that she is going to slit his throat and sell drape his organs over the fountain in Newville. Just a rumor though…

The two continued into Carlisle with no problems. Sarah dropped of Carrie, drove home, and was locked out for 15 minutes. She finally came in and called her boy thing, as she was instructed to do if she arrived home before 8:30, which she had. He was in bed. Sarah was very unhappy seeing as she had just spent 15 minutes in the cold beating on her door and calling her house trying to get someone to let her in.

So, she went upstairs and was met by her little sisters. They didn’t like seeing Sarah so little and sad, especially since she was a little Sarah-sicle and already cold. They attempted to remedy this by showering Sarah with lolli-pops, Butterfingers, pixie stix, and one giant Hershey’s bar with a one dollar bill taped to it.

It worked. Sarah cheered up, took a shower, and then proceeded to not be able to sleep despite it being 1:32 am and her having to wake up at 6 for school. She resigned herself to the fact that she was going to the doctor on Halloween day and not going to get to go to school all dressed up.

She was completely not tired so instead she listened to Comedy Central in the background and wrote a story about her night that was entirely too long considering that it was just one stupid night. She did it mostly to kill time. Then she posted some pictures on her blog, because what’s a story without pictures?

The End.

(Just some info.. Click to enlarge. The joked is Joshy. Jordan is the one surfing on my car. The little blonde is Carrie. The ginger chick in the colorful hoodie is Maddy. The hackie-sackers… There are too many to name. Jerry is the scene kid. I am, obviously, the one in the Carlisle Colorguard hoodie and in the white make up and crazy eyeliner. Any more questions… You won’t have any. Let’s get real.)


and then i saw a rainbow

Today I took a little drive out into the country about, oh, 15 miles from my house. It was raining and the whole drive out in my car was less than fun, to say the least. Never the less, I made it to my destination. I sat around, watched a movie, and developed a stress migraine [I’ve been getting these a lot lately and it’s starting to worry me a bit]. I left early to come home.

The temperature turned from warm to chilly, but it had stopped raining. Hence, I was content. I fiddled with the radio on and off as I drove down back roads in from just outside of Bloserville to Carlisle. I had completely forgotten at this point when I got home I would get to watch Shaun of the Dead [which is on in the background right now].

Turning off of Newville Road onto Orange Street, my car decided to answer a question that really wasn’t burning in my mind. As my left front wheel hit a puddle my car shut off [stalled is probably a better term for it] leaving my brakes locked [i.e. useless] and me drifting around the corner while my car fishtailed. There’s a curb to my right and cars on my left. I’m steering my car, or at least trying to, towards the curb and back into a straight line best I can without brakes so I can restart it.

Car isn’t having that [this is all happening in a matter of seconds beginning to end… just shows how fast the human brain can really process things when need be]. So I put my foot on the brake hard, slam the car into park, turn the key, and the brakes function again. They slam the rest of the way to the floor so I’m almost completely stopped. But seeing as I’m still in traffic I also slam it into drive and straighten the car.

I continue on to the stop signs and down the streets towards my house, heart pounding. I turn the radio dial and that stupid song about taking things one step at time and not rushing stuff and learning to fly and falling in love comes on. I wait at a red light at the intersection of College and West North Streets. It turns green. The song is still playing, and I put my windows down desiring air. Then I notice it; the brightest most brilliant rainbow I’ve seen in years, possibly my life, on the eastern horizon sloping northeast.

It was tremendous. Unfortunately the left turn onto my street [North West] took it out of view. I made a right up B Street as usual and drove up to the alley by the factory to try and capture the rainbow with my phone’s camera. I wasn’t really expecting this to work. Rainbows barely show up when captured by regular cameras let alone the silly one on my phone.

By some twist of fate the rainbow was bright enough for my phone to capture it [only at half its brilliance really, but caught none the less]. I turned left down the one way alley, then left down Pitt Street towards my house. In the one block, the all of about ten seconds, if that, it took me to get back to where I had just taken the picture, the rainbow was gone.

Rainstorms are always times of reflection for me. Something about gray clouds and rainy days just invokes a pensive feeling in me. Seeing the rainbow after all of that, and after everything I had been thinking about driving home which had me at the brink of tears, I knew everything was going to work out.

It was like my own little sign to hang in there, as stupid as that might sound.

I came home and cried anyways cause I was upset and I’ve been tense and stressed lately and sometimes you just need to cry and get toxins out of your body and such. Then I had some Mt. Dew [caffeine; my migraine hadn’t gone away yet] and put on jammies and resigned myself to my room to watch the rest of my movie and relax for the evening.

Recap: storm, stress, sadness, learning my car can in fact drift, rainbow, bawling like a sissy girl, movie.

Don’t grow up. It’s totally over-rated.

sample of sunshine for nocturnal masses

These people, man… They’ve changed my life.

Other matters… Earlier tonight I reread something I wrote this February while I had mono. It needs a lot of editing and tweaking but I’m looking for outside opinions on it. So anyone who has a spare few moments and would like to read this and comment on it [on here of course] for me, I could really use the input.

I only ask that if you hate it, you’re kind about it. I want the truth, I just don’t want people to be mean about it. [What can I say… I’m a softy…]

Here’s a link to it: story


PS: Here. From a bit ago. Enjoy. [I heart pictures.]

one car, too far, red bar, gui-tar

I am writing a research paper on lysergic acid diethylamide.

I am the guru to all matters of illusion, delusion, dementia, and magic.

I am going to sit down, listen to the matches, and let the night take me. If I wake up tomorrow a different person… Meh? Que sera sera, my friends…

Sifting through shooting stars and sheafs of syllabi, we waste and wash away in the individual and indivisible San Tropez’s of our respective and resentful lives.

die for me

I’m a person generally happy with life these days. I’ve mellowed out, matured, and become a responsible person [most of the time at least]. Yesterday was fucking awesome. Josh fell out of my car, I drove over an island, Olivia named me KoKo, Maggie made me a name tag, I saw Chelsea and Justin and had a crazy dance party [not really but I did see them], I tasted this amazing pumpkin spiced Starbucks drink, I spent two hours in Target, and saw a kid called Ben belly dance [and boy was that a sight to see…].

Today wasn’t bad over all I guess… Just little bits. My car dying 10 times from my house to Biddle Mission Park for example. My dad getting drunk and running red lights and making vulgar comments at the parade. People just generally being d-bags…

Two bawl fests, one cryptic text, and several police cars and an ambulance later, I have virtually no nerves left.

Kidnap me. Seriously. Maybe not for a long time… Just a little bit. Get me out of my house. Leave me in the woods with a lot of blankets and some crackers. Leave me out under the stars to watch the universe spin above me [or more so I spin below it…]. Give me some charcoals and a sketchbook. Give me a guitar with light strings.

I’ve got a song in my heart and hope in my head. It’s just kind of hard right now to force a smile across my face. Nights like this really get to me…

oh hot damn

I’m 18. I drive. I’m back in school. I have job oppurtunities lined up and more of an idea about my future. I have a sweet boyfriend and good friends.

I haven’t felt so incomplete in a long long time…

it’s kinda like tetris…

Ahh yes… and we were all tools and d-bags.

And then we wised up a little bit and opened our eyes to the world, at which point in time we became somewhat bitter, calloused even, and skeptical of the notion of “love”.

Eyes closed, we dive in…

It all started because I never was very good at handling stress. It started because this shiny translucent pane suddenly had a new purpose in life. It started because I got older, realized the error of my ways, and went on to make new mistakes.

It started when I grew my hair long again and couldn’t bear to break the promises of old and cut it, so instead I dyed it black and blonde. It started with a rebellious attitude, a love of fast car rides, staying out late, and partying and swearing with the rest of them. It was comprised of a blood lust for drugs and dangerous activities. A need for speed, adrenaline, power, anything but the mundane “boring” life everyone around me was leading.

It hit a point for me where the thought of wasting 7 hours a day locked in a class room so I could go on to work a shitty job and go to college and go on to some boring average Joe American life job with no adventure, became unappealing to me. The dangerous things seemed sexy in that mysterious dark way things have. Kind of that girl in leather and heels sex appeal.

So I made that decision about the sneaking out and drinking. I decided this and that drug was just fine. Who needed school either? So I dropped out. I dyed my hair back to brown, trimmed up my bangs to turn me into a female Ramone, and spent my winter hidden away fading fast from reality and losing touch with my best friends. I got mono. I played a lot of video games.

In spring I emerged possibly wilder than before. I could take the cars out. I could steal prescription medications. There was a nice bottle of orange rum in the fridge that was mine for the taking at will. I was just smart enough, and just sneaky enough and uncaring enough at this point to take advantage of all of that.

To top it off, someone from my past who had disappeared into the shadows with everyone else that winter had recently reentered my life, babying me back to health while I lay in bed ill, and reassuring me that my biggest flaw after mellowing out was my insecurity. Well, that was hardly my biggest flaw, but the facade I was parading around behind made that seem to be the case.

And of course my blatant immaturity and disregard for having any involvement with society or the real world. It was that unity and peace or anarchy baby mindset. It was the complete denial I had delved into convincing myself day in and day out that I had made proper choices.

So it continued… Wheeling and dealing and sneaking out. Playing designated driver without a proper license of the adequately aged people in the car to fulfill the requirements of permit. A life full of party people, just as lost as me, only older and with less time to correct their mistakes, validating my existence as a 17 year old high school drop out.

Why does one drop out with AP and honors courses and straight A’s? And more so, how could someone think they were cool for doing it? Because someone was me and I got lost in the folds of my mind where I created a warped reality for myself that I watched through a horribly distorted vision.

And then there was a figure from the days of black hair and football games who came back and ignited a fire that burned towards success and independence, not merely settling in condemned and accepting of a life of community colleges and minimum wage jobs, living in the slums, day to day, waiting for that welfare check that, with the economy the way it is now, would never come or surely not cover anything. A miserable cold life worrying where every meal would come from or how to pay the bills.

How had I let myself go that far? How had my dreams of graduating from a school like Carnegie Mellon been downgraded so harshly in the matter of a year?

Big life blows take a toll. Fact. But you can’t change life, or people. The only thing you can change is yourself and the only thing you can control is how you react to what happens. That’s it. And I had spent far too much time up until now trying to show everyone the way or make them change for the better. I was trying to find some logic in the terrible life altering events that had happened to me. I found merely confusing half truths and fragments of this or that that were left to personal interpretation, bringing with it worries or digging in too deep or not analyzing some little shred of information enough.

And after all, people and life events are fickle, so even with one thing figured out, 2 minutes later, it could always completely change. And when you realize you’ll never really know anything, let alone it all, that’s all there is. Wisdom. Knowing how much you really don’t know. Peace. Accepting that you’ll never know the 100% truth and you just have to live and deal with that.

All of these realizations aside, I was yet to gain the capacity to exercise them lost still in a sea of confusion trying frantically to pull the last two years of my life into perspective. I begged to find some startling pattern I had missed that would make sense of what had happened. As much logical justification as I could find for the things I had done, it didn’t nor will it ever change the fact that when it comes down to it, for whatever reason, I couldn’t, nay, didn’t want to try to handle the pressure and while I told myself I was being strong, I bowed out, and I ran away. I made a mistake, the likes of which I could never walk away from and forget. It was that kind of mistake you pay for big time, serving your days in shame, knowing you brought whatever miseries you suffer onto yourself.

In the end, swallowing the terror that shook my brain, I bit the bullet and reenrolled in school. I can honestly say it was one of the most terrifying things I ever did. I still feel like an alien there now. An outsider. And in most ways I am. But there’s still so much I don’t understand, and so much I never will. That drives me mad sometimes being that it is that I have an unquenchable curiosity to understand how everything around me works and why it works that way. People are more difficult, and at the same time so basic almost to a crippling point for humanity. So simple and yet so enigmatic at the same time.

I still don’t deal with stress well. I still get caught up in things I shouldn’t worry about. I still make bad choices sometimes. But I’m not out late on school nights, 9 times out of 10. I get more sleep than a majority of CHS students. I do almost all of my homework. I study for things. I pay attention in my classes. Things will never be the same, and come June watching my original class graduate and head off to college is going to be another pain, another product of my stupidity, another consequence of being 17 and deciding I could run my own life.

I turn 18 exactly one week from today. Tomorrow I finally go for my road test again, which I’m apprehensive about naturally. I’ve got goals and job prospects set up. That figure who came into my life and made me stop and really think about the future again is my boyfriend now. He constantly drives me crazy, and who knows if we’ll stay together or not. It doesn’t change the fact that he had a pretty big impact on who I was. He reminds me of me when I was 15 and 16 and it’s been a big part of showing me who I was and why some of the things happened that did. It’s also pretty indicative of how much more I’m probably gonna change before it’s all said and done. And the other figure who nursed me from mono to Sarah again has been around for over 3 years now. He pisses me off more than anyone in the universe, and I have this sinking feeling that someday soon, at least in the grand scheme of things, he’ll be gone to me. Unlike the days of old when we mused about lifelong friendships and being there for each other, I don’t think I believe that will be the case. While I wish that it could be, I know that things happen how they should and for a reason. Whatever comes to pass will serve the greater good and it will never change the impact he’s had on me as well, and I’m sure will continue to in days to come.

I am human. I am flawed. We all are. But I’ve accepted that. I’ve taken responsibility for my mistakes and doubled back, trying to repair what I can of the damage I’ve done. As for the rest, I do all that any of us can and try to chip away and my faults and defects to become a better me. I struggle. We all do. But at the end of the day we can all rest assured that in the very grand scheme of things, for most of us, what we do with our living days on earth won’t even matter once we’re dead and our flesh is reuniting with the ground. Not to morbid or macabre, but it’s a notion that can really throw little dramatic incidents into perspective. Of course we’re all still going to worry. Letting everything go isn’t healthy. Positive stress. First hand I have learned the massive importance of this.

I know it’s supposed to be more smooth, more mature and adult and classy as this point not to broadcast ourselves over the internet. Who doesn’t like a good enigma, or a mystery? They drive me nuts, personally, and draw me to people like moths to light. But I am not a mystery or a puzzle as much as even I would perhaps like to be to people sometimes. I am just a girl, almost 18 years of age, with some realizations, that I’m sure thousands upon thousands of people before me have made, that I want to share with anyone who cares to be shared with.

And that’s it. I’m not a super hero. I’m not a genius. I’m not a philosopher or a psychologist. I’d barely even call myself a writer anymore. I’m just me, a human being who can put some of her thoughts into words. Unstable as any other American teen with a confidence level that waxes and wanes periodically. One kid with a voice trying to be heard over all the other voices in the world. And that won’t happen because I’m not screaming nearly loud enough, but that’s not my intention.

I digress. I’m Sarah. I feel like I’ve got to be completely different from everybody else. I feel like the most compatible people for me I will never meet. I feel like everyone else feels these feelings too and that makes me just like the rest of the world.

And yet it’s all so much more complex than that…

Really though, I should just go to bed. Tomorrow’s close at hand and sleep is a precious precious thing when you’re me.

inside her room, she paints me blue again

Transcendentalist thoughts phase involving a feeling of being superior to everyone else which is inevitably followed by a period of self loathing and reaching out only to be stricken down.

And for the record, 9 out of 10 spontaneous combustions happen when people try to hate me. It’s nearly impossible.

I know you want to, but just try. Try to sincerely hate me.

Let’s face it… I’m regularly aggravating at most. 😀