Archive for December, 2008

slowly… oh so very slowly…

What makes Christmas? Asking for wine and receiving it. Warm… Who the hell’s bright idea was it to drink wine at room temperature? FUCK that.

So New Year’s Eve… I’ve been pretty good at keeping my substance abuses to a once or twice a week thing since going back to school [uhm… okay sometimes…] and I haven’t been drinking AT ALL. That needs to change…

Time to watch fireworks drunk again! Too bad Elisa’s gonna be in Rhode Island. [We’ll be together in spirit… You can’t separate us 100%. We ARE, after all, one completely bonded inconceivable ball of evil disguised as little and cute. And we get away with everything.]

I’m in a strange mood. This summer… Hopefully within 6 months… It’s supposed to find me on the West Coast exploring the life I don’t need to see to know I’d fall in love with. This slow small town east coast bullshit… It was a good way not to grow up too fast and to develop some morals and strong convictions. I know where I stand now, though. And within the next 2 year I’ve gotta pull it all together and head out and do something with my life. Not because I have to… I want to. I’ve been slacking off and laying back my whole life. It’s time to go push myself to do… something. Anything. I’ve gotta put myself out there and do something though. To hell with the rest of it.

Everyone’s helped carry me this far. It’s time I got out on my own. Someday that may mean leaving everyone behind for a while. If it comes to that, I guess most of this was in vain.

I feel like there’s got to be to it than this though… The constant cycle… Work, drugs, rinse, repeat. What about change and perspective and revolutions? What about transcendentalism?

I would be content to go find a little field surrounded by woods where I could grow my own food and no one could find me. I would spend my days writing words no one would read and dealing with the fact that I can’t force my thoughts on the world. I would draw stupid things and burn them later in drunken fits, and I’d learn to brew some killer shit. I’d take music books and my instruments and spend the rest of days alone surrounded by art and my own love for it.

That’d work for maybe a month. Then I’d get lonely. Let’s face it; I live for people. And I have the best in my life. The most fun, the brightest, the most caring and giving. You can argue it all you want. I know we have our collective flaws. We’re mostly displaced 60’s kids stuck in the 21st century with our own emotional diseases and self defense mechanisms and blatant flaws that we’re blind to. But when it comes down to it, damnit, we’re trying.

We think to much for our own good. That’s why it’s time for New Year’s Eve and getting trashed in good company and passing out on the floor at some obscene hour with the sun already strolling across the 2009 sky.

I wish I wasn’t so pensive in winter. It’s not a bad thing. It just gets annoying after a while. I start to drive me crazy. Then I blog which in turn drives me crazy until months later.

Pointless things mean so much more anyways. Bother…

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socially posh is just a way to be an elegant catastrophe

1: Someone was a dick-head today. To sum things up, I was catching shit because I’m outspoken, I’m not little and giggly and tinny, I’m a complete smart-ass, I’m sarcastic as shit, and, oh yeah, I act like a male.

Well no shit Sherlock. Welcome to Sarah. I CAN dress all cutesy and act lady like and feminine and cutesy, but what’s the point? That’s not me. It never will be. Sometimes I dress up and do my hair. I wear eyeliner basically 24/7. Sometimes I still get emotional and girly. That’s the extent of it. If you don’t like it, exit my life. No one’s forcing you to be part of anything Sarah related, dig?

You’re free to go as you please, but if you do, don’t expect to just be able to come back any time.

2: I WAS CHANGING IT TO APPLY TO THE CURRENT SITUATION SARAH! (I missed Jake Casey!)

3: When I ignore you persistently, there’s a reason for it. Disrespect on that level flies from no one. I’m sorry. Believe me when I say I wish it could be else. I feel kind of like someone ripped a chunk of me off (as opposed to before when it was damaged but at least it was still there). But my despair at the situation is hardly enough to make me forgive you or reconsider my decision. There’s unconditional love, and there’s being walked on. I’ll never be able to deny that I care about you, but it doesn’t mean I have to let you in my life anymore.

4: Karate chop nooblets. I really need to fight someone [play fight. we all know I’m non-violent.] like right now.

5: Tattoo and/or piercing over break. After the car gets inspected. PLEASE! I’m really fucking excited?

6: I’m anti-social lately. If this applies to you and I’ve ignored you, consider this your sort of apology. It’s all you’ll be getting.

7: Something long about awkward situations, how I used to let myself be walked all over, and how now I have self esteem.

8: Sarah who doesn’t believe in sleep has been sleeping. A lot. I hate it. I’ve decided there’s a reason I stopped sleeping. Life is far better at night.

it’s not over unless you let it break you.

There was an incident tonight I don’t care to go into. The jist of it is that it was bad, brought up some of my harshest childhood memories, and I think as brought about the end of a friendship basically.

But this isn’t about that. That story isn’t for the internet and I’m not here to throw a pity party for myself. I’m actually here to be a total girl, which I may facepalm about and regret somewhat later. Time will tell. For now I just need to get as many thoughts down in five minutes as possible, then play asleep so mom can come wake me up.

Basically the incident tonight made me first think of my first love and how he has changed and isn’t at all who he used to be. I realized I don’t even have much interest in talking to him or seeing him anymore [especially after tonight]. It also made me think of boyfriends I’ve had who have been very into the ‘hey let me pressure you to have sex early on and frequently’ as well as the many douchebags I know who just want in my pants and try often to get there.

I think in particular though of my first love and of my most recent ex. The first kid I ever loved turned into someone totally different. My most recent ex still would like to sleep with me. And my friends [oops, I’m not supposed to know about that]. Both in recent months have spent time trying to get in my pants.

Now, hey, I’m no prude. I like sex as much as anyone else, I’m not gonna lie. But there’s something about expecting it or having it be a planned thing that makes it not fun. Not to mention then if something happens and you don’t feel like it, the other party gets all pissy. Sure, they’ll say it’s fine but they usually don’t mean it. I’m not an idiot.

So I’m laying in bed trying to catch a nap thinking about all of that and about how tonight went not cutely and how I was just upset. And believe me, I was upset tonight. I really wished there was a way I could’ve summoned Elisa to me with my mind powers or something and had her here to talk to. That girl is an amazing person. She’s realistic about things, but is really good at seeing both sides of any situation. She’s like me in that sense and also in that she and I both always tell stories how they happened; if we look like the bad guy, so be it. We’re not around to judge each other.

But I’m getting off track here big time.

So naturally my next thought progressed into the kid I am dating now. [Oh here we go with the Sarah is high and going to rant like a female thing. Apologies in advance. You’ve been warned…]

So basically, I don’t even know where I start with this kid. I’m not sure exactly how or when or why we started talking. I just know that we did. We talked about music and about drugs and about life. Then we didn’t talk for a while. Natural progression of talking to someone online and never on the phone or hanging out with them IRL.

Then when I dated my most recent ex I used  to come home from school and just forward to talking to the kid I’m dating now cause I’d always end up in a good mood again after fighting with my stupid boyfriend.

So eventually we ended up hanging out. First time was a football game where it rained a lot and was lame. [Cause I know everyone cares about the progression of things soo much. My blog. Fuck off.] But when we left my friend Liz just turned to me [well once we were to her house] and said “so you two were flirting a lot” and I shrugged because I didn’t think it was a big deal really. She suggested him having a thing for me and I kind of laughed it off. I recalled what she had t old me sometime before about him “being a player” as she so eloquently put it. [Back in spring. Don’t ask how the whole conversation came up. It involves my bizarre attraction to long haired bassists.]

Anyways, one thing leading to another and we’re dating. [I should note that the one things and the another things were all fun though. And cute according to Justin. Fuck it… Names make life easier. Justin thinks Dylan is the sweetest thing ever and thinks we’re super cute. I think Justin is insane, but he’s my best friend so whatever floats his boat.]

On to Sarah being a girl. /swallows… pride? fear? male tendencies?

(I feel the need to throw in me missing mom coming downstairs and her coming to wake me up and me saying I woke up at 5 cause I went to bed early early and her believing it and being retardedly pleasant to me.)

So here’s the thing about Dylan. Things? Whatever. 

A: He’s younger than me. This no longer bothers me. Age is a number. I taught people that and now someone fed me my own lesson.
B: He’s not a jealous person. He doesn’t freak out when I talk to my ex boyfriends. After the last one, this is refreshing.
C: He doesn’t criticize me for my stupid mistakes and he doesn’t make fun of me for my half amazing but half shitty taste in music. He deals with it. Again, post last one, REALLY FUCKING NICE.
D: He doesn’t think I’m going to fuck random people if I get drunk. He doesn’t care if I got get drunk or do drugs or party and have a good time. This should be a given in a relationship. I didn’t have this in the last one though. Big problem.
E: I don’t know if the feeling is mutual [but I think and hope so] but I love his mom. His whole family really. I love going to his house. His mom is like a real human being. She swears occasionally and is always in pajamas by the time I leave [always… out of the 2 times I’ve been there. /facepalm]. But you can tell she’s well educated and she’s a real classy lady. His stepdad I’ve only met once, but he seemed pretty cool. Then there’s his little brothers… The oldest little one reminds me of Dylan. Like, a mini Dylan really. And has already decided to love me based on giving him X and Y bands [long story]. Well, he loved me for like 30 seconds. Whatever. The middle younger brother is just a riot. He acts like a kid  in that awkward stage between trying to figure out what he can and can’t get away with. Why do I make that connection… I’m not sure. Back to track. His youngest brother is 2 and I’ve decided he’s the next Jesus. Seriously, I adore this kid. He just makes me smile. So the whole family is cool and I’m just like comfortable being over there, which is a feeling I don’t have with a lot of my friends’ houses let alone someone I’ve dated. Another welcome change.
F: He’s not one of those acts nice to you but is a dick to you around his friend types. I’ve had that in probably half of my relationships and I hate it. The other half have been guys who just ALWAYS wanna be all over me and it’s just not acceptable. But I feel like in this case there’s this happy medium. Like, he’s not ashamed to obviously be my boyfriend in front of people. Holding hands and arms around one another and such little things as that. It’s one of the stupidest girliest things for me to point out, but when I’m comfortable with some, I love physical affection. /shrugs. I am female. This is proof…
G: He’s smart. I mean, this kid is REALLY smart. And likes string theory. And I think that alone is enough to make me drool and go all starry eyed and girly.
H: He doesn’t  have a set music genre. Most everyone I’ve dated has been into all metal and rock or all old music or all blue grass, etc. They’re incapable of breaking free from that label and just listening to what they like. That’s what I do. That’s what Dylan does. That works out well because he listens to a lot of metal and stuff that isn’t my cup of tea and I listen to a lot of poppy bullshit that he’d probably rather stab himself in the ear with a paper clip than listen to. But we can find this happy medium in stuff like Primus, The Shins, Dispatch, Radiohead, etc. Stuff last boy was too “hardcore” to listen to and first love thing would just criticize constantly.
I: He’s cute. There. I said it. He’s cute. Suck my dick…
J: I think he probably surpasses me in overall responsibleness and maturity in some ways. I’m a lazy slacker and procrastinator. I get done what I have to but usually just barely. Here’s this kid who just kind of does what he’s gotta do and carries on with life. I feel like that’s a good thing to have in my life.
K: He’s fun. We can go do stuff or just lay around and we’re always having fun. 

I could keep listing things but I’m feeling like too much of a stupid girl carrying on with this. Really. I can’t. I’m too not serious. And it’s just too weird typing this all out when I don’t think I’ve told him any/most of this. I don’t know that I would. Right away. I don’t know… I’m not much of a gusher unless it’s with Justin or Elisa. Then we’re always gushing about how great/great friends we are.

But meh. After tonight, I feel like an idiot. And in general I feel like I’m inadequate as a friend lately and probably as a girlfriend too. Like, a lot of my friends have been neglected lately. It sucks. The one thing I’m supposed to have to give to people is my time, my love and my advice, none of which I’ve had for most of my friends lately and I feel awful about it.

Then there’s the girlfriend aspect. I’m goofy. I’m not often serious because I still have that fear of attachment. I feel like once I start getting serious I’ll end up hurt, but I don’t think I have to be serious for that. I can act as goofy as I like, but this here and my thoughts tonight were a dose of seriousness. The undeniable fact is that I really like Dylan and whether I act serious and mention that to HIM ever or not doesn’t change the fact that it’ true. And that kind of scares me.

See, with Craig, I think there was an initial attraction but I didn’t really know him well and once we were dating he started acting differently and taking advantage of that fact. Little things got blown up and he acted like we were going to get married or something. [Which is ridiculous cause we’re both young and cause I’ll probably never get married.] With Dylan while we were never super close before, we talked. I knew him more than I knew Craig. I knew that he was a good person, which he is. And here’s the thing; especially after events with Jason of the past and again of tonight, I’m terrified of dating someone and like loving them or falling in love with them cause I’m terrified of the same thing happening. I know I can’t let that stop me cause that’s stupid.

See, I don’t date people if I think off the bat it’s gonna be a waste of time, except this one time. I date people because I’m pretty sure I could be in a long term like REAL relationship with them. I don’t wanna say I date because I’m looking for a lifetime soulmate or some shit, but I mean that’s kind of part of dating really. It’s to find that person that you like fall in love in love with and spend your life with. Maybe not for everyone. Maybe that’s just me…

But there aren’t these weird initial doubts with Dylan there were with like Caleb or Craig. There aren’t weird family stigmas. No big problems. Actually, nothing I’d change. I like him for who is his, like, completely.

So, that’s just it. I mean, I like him. A lot. I haven’t even been dating him that long [not that I didn’t like before… well duh]. Liking someone this much… It can lead to other emotions see and that can be a great thing or a really complicated terrifying thing.

I still think it’s goofy to be like this age and find someone you love and you’re sure you wanna be with or whatever. It just doesn’t happen. So how can we even say we love someone? How can we love someone? And yet we do. And especially me. When I like someone, I really like them. I may be a cynic, but I’m also a romantic. But a realist too. So what if this relationship went on for a while [well I’m hoping it will obv.] and I end up loving this kid? And what if it’s not the other way? See, that’s probably what would happen. That’s my luck.

Like I said, I’m not sitting here right now in a relationship looking for a soul mate. I’m not stupid. I know kids my age don’t [ok VERY RARELY] find someone they wanna marry [permanently I should say…]. They don’t find who they wanna spend the rest of their lives with. But how do you love someone and not wanna spend your life with them? People like Justin who I love as friends I always want in my life. It’s kind of a similar concept.

I have all these fears about attachment, basically, that I shouldn’t have. I worry about those fears and then I worry that either having them will hold me back or ignoring them and throwing myself into things will turn out badly.

It’s touch and go though and I’m really not who I used to be. I’m not jealous anymore and I’m not clingy. So maybe, just maybe, I could let myself just fall full force into something and just let my emotions turn into whatever they turn into.

Maybe that’s all I can do. Otherwise, it’s really just lying to myself, which isn’t what I’m about.

…I could’ve finished my DEAR project or my AIDs packet or something else or ALL of it in these past few hours. Instead, I talked to Dave, sent Sarah a stupidly long message, did a survey, and wrote this, which is pointless because all of it that matters I’m probably just gonna say today [speed… yay?]. It is 6:38 and I am sitting here on my bed in the dark in pajama bottoms and a sports bra. I still have to do that DEAR project and AIDs pack [HAVE to] and get myself presentable for school. [Damn not being allowed to wear pajama pants! I may do it anyways…]

I should stop talking and just do. Oh fuck… Leave it up to me to have free time and spend it pointlessly.

But hey, it’s quirks like that that make me so lovable… Right?

the lonely embrace of winter

I don’t know exactly what it is about this season that makes it so depressing and empty, but, at least for me, there’s something.

It could be the lingering cold; the temperatures that plummet so low that you never fully thaw out from being exposed to them. Even indoors wrapped in the snuggest thickest sweaters or hiding under mountains of blankets, that frigid sensation still nibbles at some part of you deep down. That little part that yearns for summer…

More than that, I think it’s the lack of sun. That whole chemistry vitamin D thing comes into effect in a big way. Not to mention that the cold always seems just a little more bearable with the sun out. Once it’s night time that whole cold and stars and black expansive wide sky thing is just cliche in a nearly crippling way.

Whatever it is about winter, it leaves me in a horribly cynical, narcissistic, and depressed mood. Really, winter is the one time of year I should give in to the psychological demand from my brain for xanax and my bipolar medicine. [I’ve refused to be medicated for my neurological bullshit my whole life.] But I won’t give in to those just for winter either. I’m self-destructively stubborn. I am okay with this fact.

I’m not really okay with feeling like crap most of the time once cold weather seats itself firmly in my little northeastern atlantic climactic region, but I suppose I’ll just deal with it.

Probably by bitching a lot and compulsively blogging…

Hi WordPress. You’re favorite preachy teen angst queen is back.
/facepalm…

but i swear i’m not a cynic

I was on the phone with a friend of mine. She asked me what song I was listening to [that movie The Wedding Singer or whatever is on]. When I told her started laughing and talking about weddings and how she wouldn’t hire a wedding singer; she’d probably have a band and blah blah blah. So I told her there was a pretty decent chance I was never getting married. She was surprised almost to the point of outrage. And of course after long discussions I feel compelled to blog, so here I am.

Here’s the thing about female and weddings… The stereotypical female, which we all know I am not, has this fantasy wedding idea. They think of the venue, their dress, their song, all that shit. It’s perfect, in their heads. But big things like that just don’t go perfectly. SOMETHING, no matter how small, is going to go wrong at your wedding. Mark my words! That’s a promise I make to everyone that I will take to my grave.

Now if you’re chill, this doesn’t matter cause you just roll with whatever happens. Stereotypical female? Over-reactive, over-emotional, and nit picky about EVERYTHING. So what do you have? Wedding drama. Fabulous! And then it’s just “not what you had in your head /sadface”.

I’d almost prefer to skip the hassle, but that’s not part of why I may not get married. That’s just related to my lack of enthusiasm towards them. Don’t get me wrong, I think marriage in and of itself is a beautiful thing, just like love. But both have been bastardized by this sub-human at times culture we’ve wrapped ourselves up in full of lies and teens eager to “be in love” and fucking corruption and gold digging whores and pre-numps and HOLY FUCK SHIT.

I’ve never had a dream dress or dream wedding. In fact, closest I ever came to envisioning my own wedding as a young child was to decide my dress wouldn’t be pure white because I’m tan as fuck and it would have intricate beading and some lace accents, which I still think would be pretty if I could have my ideal. [I’ve never had an actual design in mind though… I rather hate dresses. I have broad shoulders for a girl and no boobs so I tend to shy away from the damn things.] When I was older I thought about weddings a little when I realized most Catholics marry in churches, and then again when I told this naive kid I dated that if I got married, it would probably be in a church. [I don’t know that that’s really true. I think I just wanted to dissuade him from thinking about us getting married.]

So many marriages end in divorce. I don’t think this is because marriage is stupid. It’s because people are in a rush to get married, as if being married makes your love more real. It doesn’t. In fact, it’s really a legal thing [religious for some I suppose…. but in that case you REALLY shouldn’t be jumping into marriage]. It takes years to get to know someone well enough to know that you could marry someone and be in a successful non-divorce ending in marriage. I believe you can fall in love with someone before that time, but not know you could marry them. [I think there are, tragically enough, also people out there who can fall in love but never be married successfully. Successfully = happy and without being divorced.]

If I’m going to marry someone I’m going to know that I love them, I’m IN love with them, and I could live with them for the rest of my life happily with them being happy too. That’s the only circumstance under which I will ever be married. Once I’m married I’m going to stay married. If I get divorced, that’s it. I’m joining the peace corps. or something. And if I fall in love again, so be it, but I won’t be married.

You don’t have to agree with my beliefs though. No one does. I know I come off as a cynic. I feel like at this point in life I almost have to be, to an extent, to filter out all the teenaged rose colored views on love and marriage and believing they are, or even myself is, in love or something. We’re young. We know SOO little about anything and nothing about being married or living with that person we think we could never live without out.

So forgive what seems like a truly cynical view. I’m all for marriage and love. I’m a romantic even, in my own way. I’m just… Very realistic.

So I may never be married, but that’s okay. Finding true love is the second most important thing in my life and only because it’s possible something else out there would make me happier. As long as I can live happy and die happy man… That’s all I care about.

[That’s why true musicians have it easy. True musicians put music before most things, and ALWAYS girlfriends. I would know… I date basically strictly musicians. And I respect that. They’ll always have their music to make them happy. In fact, I envy it. I wish I could be that passionate about playing music, but at this point in my life, I’m not that passionate about anything.]

i always get my way

I do I do. Even though SOMETIMES I do something stupid [like, say, this summer for example?]. And sometimes bad things happen, like me getting sick, that don’t necessarily contradict my will.

I hate school too, by the way. [I know you were wondering.]