but i swear i’m not a cynic

I was on the phone with a friend of mine. She asked me what song I was listening to [that movie The Wedding Singer or whatever is on]. When I told her started laughing and talking about weddings and how she wouldn’t hire a wedding singer; she’d probably have a band and blah blah blah. So I told her there was a pretty decent chance I was never getting married. She was surprised almost to the point of outrage. And of course after long discussions I feel compelled to blog, so here I am.

Here’s the thing about female and weddings… The stereotypical female, which we all know I am not, has this fantasy wedding idea. They think of the venue, their dress, their song, all that shit. It’s perfect, in their heads. But big things like that just don’t go perfectly. SOMETHING, no matter how small, is going to go wrong at your wedding. Mark my words! That’s a promise I make to everyone that I will take to my grave.

Now if you’re chill, this doesn’t matter cause you just roll with whatever happens. Stereotypical female? Over-reactive, over-emotional, and nit picky about EVERYTHING. So what do you have? Wedding drama. Fabulous! And then it’s just “not what you had in your head /sadface”.

I’d almost prefer to skip the hassle, but that’s not part of why I may not get married. That’s just related to my lack of enthusiasm towards them. Don’t get me wrong, I think marriage in and of itself is a beautiful thing, just like love. But both have been bastardized by this sub-human at times culture we’ve wrapped ourselves up in full of lies and teens eager to “be in love” and fucking corruption and gold digging whores and pre-numps and HOLY FUCK SHIT.

I’ve never had a dream dress or dream wedding. In fact, closest I ever came to envisioning my own wedding as a young child was to decide my dress wouldn’t be pure white because I’m tan as fuck and it would have intricate beading and some lace accents, which I still think would be pretty if I could have my ideal. [I’ve never had an actual design in mind though… I rather hate dresses. I have broad shoulders for a girl and no boobs so I tend to shy away from the damn things.] When I was older I thought about weddings a little when I realized most Catholics marry in churches, and then again when I told this naive kid I dated that if I got married, it would probably be in a church. [I don’t know that that’s really true. I think I just wanted to dissuade him from thinking about us getting married.]

So many marriages end in divorce. I don’t think this is because marriage is stupid. It’s because people are in a rush to get married, as if being married makes your love more real. It doesn’t. In fact, it’s really a legal thing [religious for some I suppose…. but in that case you REALLY shouldn’t be jumping into marriage]. It takes years to get to know someone well enough to know that you could marry someone and be in a successful non-divorce ending in marriage. I believe you can fall in love with someone before that time, but not know you could marry them. [I think there are, tragically enough, also people out there who can fall in love but never be married successfully. Successfully = happy and without being divorced.]

If I’m going to marry someone I’m going to know that I love them, I’m IN love with them, and I could live with them for the rest of my life happily with them being happy too. That’s the only circumstance under which I will ever be married. Once I’m married I’m going to stay married. If I get divorced, that’s it. I’m joining the peace corps. or something. And if I fall in love again, so be it, but I won’t be married.

You don’t have to agree with my beliefs though. No one does. I know I come off as a cynic. I feel like at this point in life I almost have to be, to an extent, to filter out all the teenaged rose colored views on love and marriage and believing they are, or even myself is, in love or something. We’re young. We know SOO little about anything and nothing about being married or living with that person we think we could never live without out.

So forgive what seems like a truly cynical view. I’m all for marriage and love. I’m a romantic even, in my own way. I’m just… Very realistic.

So I may never be married, but that’s okay. Finding true love is the second most important thing in my life and only because it’s possible something else out there would make me happier. As long as I can live happy and die happy man… That’s all I care about.

[That’s why true musicians have it easy. True musicians put music before most things, and ALWAYS girlfriends. I would know… I date basically strictly musicians. And I respect that. They’ll always have their music to make them happy. In fact, I envy it. I wish I could be that passionate about playing music, but at this point in my life, I’m not that passionate about anything.]

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