it’s not over unless you let it break you.

There was an incident tonight I don’t care to go into. The jist of it is that it was bad, brought up some of my harshest childhood memories, and I think as brought about the end of a friendship basically.

But this isn’t about that. That story isn’t for the internet and I’m not here to throw a pity party for myself. I’m actually here to be a total girl, which I may facepalm about and regret somewhat later. Time will tell. For now I just need to get as many thoughts down in five minutes as possible, then play asleep so mom can come wake me up.

Basically the incident tonight made me first think of my first love and how he has changed and isn’t at all who he used to be. I realized I don’t even have much interest in talking to him or seeing him anymore [especially after tonight]. It also made me think of boyfriends I’ve had who have been very into the ‘hey let me pressure you to have sex early on and frequently’ as well as the many douchebags I know who just want in my pants and try often to get there.

I think in particular though of my first love and of my most recent ex. The first kid I ever loved turned into someone totally different. My most recent ex still would like to sleep with me. And my friends [oops, I’m not supposed to know about that]. Both in recent months have spent time trying to get in my pants.

Now, hey, I’m no prude. I like sex as much as anyone else, I’m not gonna lie. But there’s something about expecting it or having it be a planned thing that makes it not fun. Not to mention then if something happens and you don’t feel like it, the other party gets all pissy. Sure, they’ll say it’s fine but they usually don’t mean it. I’m not an idiot.

So I’m laying in bed trying to catch a nap thinking about all of that and about how tonight went not cutely and how I was just upset. And believe me, I was upset tonight. I really wished there was a way I could’ve summoned Elisa to me with my mind powers or something and had her here to talk to. That girl is an amazing person. She’s realistic about things, but is really good at seeing both sides of any situation. She’s like me in that sense and also in that she and I both always tell stories how they happened; if we look like the bad guy, so be it. We’re not around to judge each other.

But I’m getting off track here big time.

So naturally my next thought progressed into the kid I am dating now. [Oh here we go with the Sarah is high and going to rant like a female thing. Apologies in advance. You’ve been warned…]

So basically, I don’t even know where I start with this kid. I’m not sure exactly how or when or why we started talking. I just know that we did. We talked about music and about drugs and about life. Then we didn’t talk for a while. Natural progression of talking to someone online and never on the phone or hanging out with them IRL.

Then when I dated my most recent ex I used  to come home from school and just forward to talking to the kid I’m dating now cause I’d always end up in a good mood again after fighting with my stupid boyfriend.

So eventually we ended up hanging out. First time was a football game where it rained a lot and was lame. [Cause I know everyone cares about the progression of things soo much. My blog. Fuck off.] But when we left my friend Liz just turned to me [well once we were to her house] and said “so you two were flirting a lot” and I shrugged because I didn’t think it was a big deal really. She suggested him having a thing for me and I kind of laughed it off. I recalled what she had t old me sometime before about him “being a player” as she so eloquently put it. [Back in spring. Don’t ask how the whole conversation came up. It involves my bizarre attraction to long haired bassists.]

Anyways, one thing leading to another and we’re dating. [I should note that the one things and the another things were all fun though. And cute according to Justin. Fuck it… Names make life easier. Justin thinks Dylan is the sweetest thing ever and thinks we’re super cute. I think Justin is insane, but he’s my best friend so whatever floats his boat.]

On to Sarah being a girl. /swallows… pride? fear? male tendencies?

(I feel the need to throw in me missing mom coming downstairs and her coming to wake me up and me saying I woke up at 5 cause I went to bed early early and her believing it and being retardedly pleasant to me.)

So here’s the thing about Dylan. Things? Whatever. 

A: He’s younger than me. This no longer bothers me. Age is a number. I taught people that and now someone fed me my own lesson.
B: He’s not a jealous person. He doesn’t freak out when I talk to my ex boyfriends. After the last one, this is refreshing.
C: He doesn’t criticize me for my stupid mistakes and he doesn’t make fun of me for my half amazing but half shitty taste in music. He deals with it. Again, post last one, REALLY FUCKING NICE.
D: He doesn’t think I’m going to fuck random people if I get drunk. He doesn’t care if I got get drunk or do drugs or party and have a good time. This should be a given in a relationship. I didn’t have this in the last one though. Big problem.
E: I don’t know if the feeling is mutual [but I think and hope so] but I love his mom. His whole family really. I love going to his house. His mom is like a real human being. She swears occasionally and is always in pajamas by the time I leave [always… out of the 2 times I’ve been there. /facepalm]. But you can tell she’s well educated and she’s a real classy lady. His stepdad I’ve only met once, but he seemed pretty cool. Then there’s his little brothers… The oldest little one reminds me of Dylan. Like, a mini Dylan really. And has already decided to love me based on giving him X and Y bands [long story]. Well, he loved me for like 30 seconds. Whatever. The middle younger brother is just a riot. He acts like a kid  in that awkward stage between trying to figure out what he can and can’t get away with. Why do I make that connection… I’m not sure. Back to track. His youngest brother is 2 and I’ve decided he’s the next Jesus. Seriously, I adore this kid. He just makes me smile. So the whole family is cool and I’m just like comfortable being over there, which is a feeling I don’t have with a lot of my friends’ houses let alone someone I’ve dated. Another welcome change.
F: He’s not one of those acts nice to you but is a dick to you around his friend types. I’ve had that in probably half of my relationships and I hate it. The other half have been guys who just ALWAYS wanna be all over me and it’s just not acceptable. But I feel like in this case there’s this happy medium. Like, he’s not ashamed to obviously be my boyfriend in front of people. Holding hands and arms around one another and such little things as that. It’s one of the stupidest girliest things for me to point out, but when I’m comfortable with some, I love physical affection. /shrugs. I am female. This is proof…
G: He’s smart. I mean, this kid is REALLY smart. And likes string theory. And I think that alone is enough to make me drool and go all starry eyed and girly.
H: He doesn’t  have a set music genre. Most everyone I’ve dated has been into all metal and rock or all old music or all blue grass, etc. They’re incapable of breaking free from that label and just listening to what they like. That’s what I do. That’s what Dylan does. That works out well because he listens to a lot of metal and stuff that isn’t my cup of tea and I listen to a lot of poppy bullshit that he’d probably rather stab himself in the ear with a paper clip than listen to. But we can find this happy medium in stuff like Primus, The Shins, Dispatch, Radiohead, etc. Stuff last boy was too “hardcore” to listen to and first love thing would just criticize constantly.
I: He’s cute. There. I said it. He’s cute. Suck my dick…
J: I think he probably surpasses me in overall responsibleness and maturity in some ways. I’m a lazy slacker and procrastinator. I get done what I have to but usually just barely. Here’s this kid who just kind of does what he’s gotta do and carries on with life. I feel like that’s a good thing to have in my life.
K: He’s fun. We can go do stuff or just lay around and we’re always having fun. 

I could keep listing things but I’m feeling like too much of a stupid girl carrying on with this. Really. I can’t. I’m too not serious. And it’s just too weird typing this all out when I don’t think I’ve told him any/most of this. I don’t know that I would. Right away. I don’t know… I’m not much of a gusher unless it’s with Justin or Elisa. Then we’re always gushing about how great/great friends we are.

But meh. After tonight, I feel like an idiot. And in general I feel like I’m inadequate as a friend lately and probably as a girlfriend too. Like, a lot of my friends have been neglected lately. It sucks. The one thing I’m supposed to have to give to people is my time, my love and my advice, none of which I’ve had for most of my friends lately and I feel awful about it.

Then there’s the girlfriend aspect. I’m goofy. I’m not often serious because I still have that fear of attachment. I feel like once I start getting serious I’ll end up hurt, but I don’t think I have to be serious for that. I can act as goofy as I like, but this here and my thoughts tonight were a dose of seriousness. The undeniable fact is that I really like Dylan and whether I act serious and mention that to HIM ever or not doesn’t change the fact that it’ true. And that kind of scares me.

See, with Craig, I think there was an initial attraction but I didn’t really know him well and once we were dating he started acting differently and taking advantage of that fact. Little things got blown up and he acted like we were going to get married or something. [Which is ridiculous cause we’re both young and cause I’ll probably never get married.] With Dylan while we were never super close before, we talked. I knew him more than I knew Craig. I knew that he was a good person, which he is. And here’s the thing; especially after events with Jason of the past and again of tonight, I’m terrified of dating someone and like loving them or falling in love with them cause I’m terrified of the same thing happening. I know I can’t let that stop me cause that’s stupid.

See, I don’t date people if I think off the bat it’s gonna be a waste of time, except this one time. I date people because I’m pretty sure I could be in a long term like REAL relationship with them. I don’t wanna say I date because I’m looking for a lifetime soulmate or some shit, but I mean that’s kind of part of dating really. It’s to find that person that you like fall in love in love with and spend your life with. Maybe not for everyone. Maybe that’s just me…

But there aren’t these weird initial doubts with Dylan there were with like Caleb or Craig. There aren’t weird family stigmas. No big problems. Actually, nothing I’d change. I like him for who is his, like, completely.

So, that’s just it. I mean, I like him. A lot. I haven’t even been dating him that long [not that I didn’t like before… well duh]. Liking someone this much… It can lead to other emotions see and that can be a great thing or a really complicated terrifying thing.

I still think it’s goofy to be like this age and find someone you love and you’re sure you wanna be with or whatever. It just doesn’t happen. So how can we even say we love someone? How can we love someone? And yet we do. And especially me. When I like someone, I really like them. I may be a cynic, but I’m also a romantic. But a realist too. So what if this relationship went on for a while [well I’m hoping it will obv.] and I end up loving this kid? And what if it’s not the other way? See, that’s probably what would happen. That’s my luck.

Like I said, I’m not sitting here right now in a relationship looking for a soul mate. I’m not stupid. I know kids my age don’t [ok VERY RARELY] find someone they wanna marry [permanently I should say…]. They don’t find who they wanna spend the rest of their lives with. But how do you love someone and not wanna spend your life with them? People like Justin who I love as friends I always want in my life. It’s kind of a similar concept.

I have all these fears about attachment, basically, that I shouldn’t have. I worry about those fears and then I worry that either having them will hold me back or ignoring them and throwing myself into things will turn out badly.

It’s touch and go though and I’m really not who I used to be. I’m not jealous anymore and I’m not clingy. So maybe, just maybe, I could let myself just fall full force into something and just let my emotions turn into whatever they turn into.

Maybe that’s all I can do. Otherwise, it’s really just lying to myself, which isn’t what I’m about.

…I could’ve finished my DEAR project or my AIDs packet or something else or ALL of it in these past few hours. Instead, I talked to Dave, sent Sarah a stupidly long message, did a survey, and wrote this, which is pointless because all of it that matters I’m probably just gonna say today [speed… yay?]. It is 6:38 and I am sitting here on my bed in the dark in pajama bottoms and a sports bra. I still have to do that DEAR project and AIDs pack [HAVE to] and get myself presentable for school. [Damn not being allowed to wear pajama pants! I may do it anyways…]

I should stop talking and just do. Oh fuck… Leave it up to me to have free time and spend it pointlessly.

But hey, it’s quirks like that that make me so lovable… Right?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: