slowly… oh so very slowly…

What makes Christmas? Asking for wine and receiving it. Warm… Who the hell’s bright idea was it to drink wine at room temperature? FUCK that.

So New Year’s Eve… I’ve been pretty good at keeping my substance abuses to a once or twice a week thing since going back to school [uhm… okay sometimes…] and I haven’t been drinking AT ALL. That needs to change…

Time to watch fireworks drunk again! Too bad Elisa’s gonna be in Rhode Island. [We’ll be together in spirit… You can’t separate us 100%. We ARE, after all, one completely bonded inconceivable ball of evil disguised as little and cute. And we get away with everything.]

I’m in a strange mood. This summer… Hopefully within 6 months… It’s supposed to find me on the West Coast exploring the life I don’t need to see to know I’d fall in love with. This slow small town east coast bullshit… It was a good way not to grow up too fast and to develop some morals and strong convictions. I know where I stand now, though. And within the next 2 year I’ve gotta pull it all together and head out and do something with my life. Not because I have to… I want to. I’ve been slacking off and laying back my whole life. It’s time to go push myself to do… something. Anything. I’ve gotta put myself out there and do something though. To hell with the rest of it.

Everyone’s helped carry me this far. It’s time I got out on my own. Someday that may mean leaving everyone behind for a while. If it comes to that, I guess most of this was in vain.

I feel like there’s got to be to it than this though… The constant cycle… Work, drugs, rinse, repeat. What about change and perspective and revolutions? What about transcendentalism?

I would be content to go find a little field surrounded by woods where I could grow my own food and no one could find me. I would spend my days writing words no one would read and dealing with the fact that I can’t force my thoughts on the world. I would draw stupid things and burn them later in drunken fits, and I’d learn to brew some killer shit. I’d take music books and my instruments and spend the rest of days alone surrounded by art and my own love for it.

That’d work for maybe a month. Then I’d get lonely. Let’s face it; I live for people. And I have the best in my life. The most fun, the brightest, the most caring and giving. You can argue it all you want. I know we have our collective flaws. We’re mostly displaced 60’s kids stuck in the 21st century with our own emotional diseases and self defense mechanisms and blatant flaws that we’re blind to. But when it comes down to it, damnit, we’re trying.

We think to much for our own good. That’s why it’s time for New Year’s Eve and getting trashed in good company and passing out on the floor at some obscene hour with the sun already strolling across the 2009 sky.

I wish I wasn’t so pensive in winter. It’s not a bad thing. It just gets annoying after a while. I start to drive me crazy. Then I blog which in turn drives me crazy until months later.

Pointless things mean so much more anyways. Bother…


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