yellow sunshine LSD

It’s funny looking back over old blog posts from circa 6 months ago. I wrote about feelings of inadequacy and needing to fix my life and would I ever do that. I wrote about being in love and how I would always love my first love.

Here I sit now simply sighing and shaking my head at my former self. It seems my writings had a bigger impact on my subconscious than I’d realized.

I DID pull my “shit” together and set my life back on track. I’m actively looking for a job, I’m back in school [and doing pretty well I might add], I’ve got my license, and my relationship with my mom has finally been mended. There’s really few secrets and everything has drastically improved in those respects.

And that first love I would never get over? Well check that off my list. And that falling in love again part? The part that I was always sort of skeptical about? Check that off too.

See, okay, let’s start by saying that this blog is a minimally censored glimpse into my mind. That being said, I’m a little fucked up and just coming into the afternoon after a pretty great night. Bearing these things in mind, I feel like being a girl and so I’m just gonna go for it.

So I met this kid, though how and when neither one of us seems to recall. We started talking and conversation just came easily and freely. He won me over easily with The Shins and string theory and we started hanging out. The thing about that was that every time we would hang out we would have fun and I would just feel comfortable around him.

So we ended up dating. So here’s this kid who I’m still astounded even started to like me let alone love me and not to sound too cliche, and Lord help me I’m about to, but he’s everything I could ever ask for and more.

He doesn’t have weird jealousy or insecurity issues. He’s not controlling. He’s intelligent. He knows nerdy things AND art things so I can talk to him about everything from theoretical physics to philosophy to painters. He plays bass, and a mean bass at that. We can jam, even though I can’t really jam; he puts up with it with a smile somehow. He can write. I don’t think I’ve told him that, but I’ve read it and… Well yeah. We can play fight and be total dicks but we’re… how exactly did he put it…. the “closet romantic couple” which is totally true. We always manage to make everything fun, no matter what. We’re both laid back.

And he’s responsible, which is good for me cause that’s something I’m still working on being better at. He’s one of the most genuinely good caring people I know. That sounds cheesey too but it’s true. He’s always doing things for other people and taking them into consideration, including me. He listens to me talk and bitch about everything and then lets me sleep on him and put his arm to sleep.

But I love waking up on him or next to him or being woken up by him. I love spending time with him just bullshitting or doing whatever it is we decide to do. I love our nerdy little inside jokes and plans. I love the weird coincidences about things from our childhoods or skipping school or, well, the fact that we met and know each other. And I love that I’m the first girl he’s ever loved and I love saying “I love you” and meaning it again.

I love the feeling of falling in love. That’s one of the most girly things I have said in a while, but it’s true. Especially because it’s not that “omg we’re teenagers and we need to be with someone to be happy so let’s say I love you and convince ourselves we do” kind of love. It’s that talked about real life “you just know” kind of love. It’s just there and it feels really amazing.

This is the first kid I’ve dated I’ve had zero problems with. Everything about him I love. I love his little jew curls and his eyes cause they’re gorgeous. I love kissing him. I love the way he approaches life and the things he knows he just has to do. I love the way he’ll drive 60 miles just to take me to his house and bring me home and drive back later. I can’t even fathom it. And I love how he’ll wake up at 4:30 am just so I can stay over the night before.

I love his piercings and his taste in music. I love that he likes to bring me out and “show me off” [that’s just awesome]. I love… everything. I really do. And it’s still just crazy for me to believe that he would love me. Don’t get me wrong, I love who I am and everything, but I can’t believe that he actually enjoys listening to me talk and enjoys all my crazy what I consider to be annoying things and doesn’t mind all my little crazy quirks. I never thought he’d be interested in me let alone that we would date and he would love me.

It’s completely girly. This all is and when I look back at it I’ll probably just sigh and roll my eyes at myself, but I’m in that mood so why not.

I love Dylan. I’m not afraid to say that and really I’m starting not to be so afraid of it either. Things are good right now and all we ever experience is right now. That’s what Dylan told me last night and it’s completely true. No one knows about the future so I’m not gonna worry about it.

Right now, I’m flying high and feeling good. Everything keeps getting better. The trend hasn’t stopped for months. On one hand, I’m waiting for it too. On the other hand, after the childhood and young teen/adult life I had, I think this upward trend for life is deserved.

I always said things would go well for me when I was older. I think that’s just starting now. Everything seems to find a way to work out for itself despite the odds and on top of that I have the best boyfriend, well, in existence. I’m pretty convinced of that. And I love him. And I love life. And it’s all amazing.

I have no way to close this nicely. It’s all been choppy and scattered anyways [I’m not in most coherent or eloquent of mind states at the moment].

I love everything. 🙂

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1 Comment »

  1. fuck Said:

    this is fucking GAY nobody wants to hear about this shit
    damn
    i was expecting some lsd talk or something fuck
    go trip some cid and get layed


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