if i were you i’d hate me too

Hate can spurn from about two hundred gagillion different things. One of them is jealousy. I know plenty of people who don’t like me. In many cases it’s just because I’m this random weird outspoken hippie chick with a blatant disregard for all things conventional. In most other cases it’s minor dislike often in acquaintances or casual friends. It is in those cases that it comes from jealousy.

It’s with good reason though. I’m not artificially pretty. I actually have good looks. You know the kind I mean… Skinny but with hips and a figure. Tan skin. Dark hair and eyes. Good bone structure. Adorable little smile dimples. Everything I do is basically, like, the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. You can’t see me and think “ew” [well… maybe if I’m in rare form… emphasis on rare]. And if you look on with contempt and disgust… Hello green monster of envy. How nice of you to join us!

Moving on. I’m smart. Not like oh-my-God-I-can-spell-most-words-correctly-without-MSWord-correcting-me smart but like I’m basically a genius smart. Yes I have altered and fried my brains a lot but guess what fuckers? Studies show brain cells DO regenerate. Suck on that one critics and skeptics of the world. I can’t be stopped even by my own poor decisions and chemical bodily warfare. I’m invincible. [I’ve probably just jinxed myself…]

I’m fun. Yes I swear and bitch and I’m sarcastic and make no mistake, I WILL beat up on you. I don’t care who you are. I will pick, fuss, scrap, slap, whatever. It’s in my blood. But when it comes down to it I’m almost always a good fucking time. I don’t care if you’re laughing with me or at me, you’re gonna be smiling. Everything about me screams little and cute and people are attracted to that. Oh yeah. I’ve got charisma and spunk built in with my appearance. I don’t even have to have a good personality.

And yet I do. A great one. A magnificent one. Bueno mucho blah blah awesome excellent. Fucking amazing. There is a reason I have Jesus status. The bad things about me are pretty much limited to PMS, SAD, laziness and infrequent co-dependent tendencies. Beyond that, nope. I’ve even managed to beat that little bastard fondly known as bipolar disorder [cyclothymia but no one knows what that is] into the ground sans drugs. You try doing that. For 18 years. You tell me how easy it is kay? [It’s not. I’m really JUST THAT win.]

I took SATs today and was surprised by how easy they were. But now it’s midnight and I can’t sleep and I smell like cigarette smoke and to be 100% honest it’s simply too cold to go out walking. The only real stress on my mind is that I would like to have a job [hmm… well what the fuck else is new?]. That’s not ENTIRELY true…

But I really feel like I’m slowly digging in to the dirt and finding the roots of Sarah again. Just like my damn crocuses… Sun comes out. Temperatures spike up. BAM! Sarah’s back in action baby.

I have survived another turbulent and angst filled winter in cold as balls Pennsylvania. I’ve even held on to this new relationship through it all. [I hate being involved in winter. I’m always bitter, depressed, clingy and moody. It really makes keeping things from crashing and burning a challenge where, normally, I do nothing but exist and carry about life as usual.]

Might have something to do with actually being in love again. Who knows? I know I see a pattern developing and it’s the same one that wove itself into the fabric of my life before. But it started differently and the variables aren’t the same. Hopefully it doesn’t end in the same stitch. Que sera sera. Everything happens for a reason. For now, I’m not worrying about it. I’m simply hoping that with groundations coming to a close, spring arriving, and boy having fun adventures with his buds to look forward to, well, both of us can be in better moods. All of this off and on moody stuff is really getting old. So is the weather.

And the fact that all of our visits for the past, like, month and a week have been limited to laying around or sitting in cars for short bursts of time doesn’t help. Relationships can’t live in that sort of boring stale environment. Especially this one. It’s based around freaky coincidences, hate, love, and largely random trips and adventures and what not. We do random things. They’re always completely stupid and always completely fun [but I’m pretty damn sure only to us…]. This laying around being stuck thing is boring and corrosive.

Three more days til groundation termination. Cross your fingers and toes. Six days til spring. 55 more days of school.

Summer days, drunken nights, and one red couch in a basement nearly twenty miles from here. [And a kiddy pool. That’s kind of the most important part. And the fort too. Yeah…] The first three months of any year don’t count to me. The mood and tone are set come April. Why? I don’t know but it seems to be more of an apex in the advance of years than any New Year’s Eve ever is. This year April will be good. I know there will be a time or two that will make me cringe or crumple my face in disgust and/or aggravation but over all I can’t see anything but blue skies and smiles ahead [especially with the travesties of the past 2 and half months at its back in contrast].

I can feel the uneven spots in my shirt sleeve where it had to be mended. It’s just as pressing, annoying, crushing, and distracting and the obvious tension and unrest growing in the air. Cut it with a knife or poke it with your mental finger of curiosity. To some sense, it’s tangible. Guaranteed. But yin and yang. The world balances itself out. The rest of the year isn’t capable of being anything but orgasmic. I can’t quite say how yet, and even I have become a skeptic, but I still have faith that one way or another, it’ll come through for me.

Time will tell. Until then, we wait it out with synthetic good-times and lots of sex to pass the time. Wait… Did I just recap 2009 up until now in two actions? Hmm… Theory.

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