Archive for May, 2009

a long string of meaningless words and phrases

I can’t help but notice, well, a lot of things. Most of which I’ve noticed before but which now I feel like writing about because I feel like I should be writing and it’s my blog and I can do what I want with it free from feeling like I have to write well or cohesively. It’s for me. Not for the masses. [Although, let’s face it, I DO love people reading my blogs and writings. Even when they’re stupid I like feeling like I’ve somehow influenced someone or become a source they could somehow relate to or even just someone they could suddenly look at and think “well… things could be worse. I could be Sarah”.]

First off I don’t understand girls who continuously date douche bags or who feel incomplete outside of a relationship. You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. I don’t care who you are. If you can’t accept who you are at your core and what not, then no, so-and-so isn’t your life and your heart. They’re just a vice to prove to yourself that you’re not as bad as you feel. I’m not saying that’s a terrible thing because I think most of us end up doing/feeling that at some point but you have to learn from it and learn to be comfortable on your own. If me and and Dylan broke up it would suck but not because I was single. [I know what I mean…]

Next, I would like to spend some time maybe not away from Pennsylvania but away from the area and most of the people. I would like a clean slate. A fresh start. Something new. I would really like to visit Alex this summer. Even if it’s only for a few days or a week or whatever it’d be nice to get away. Plus I know I’d miss the shit out of everyone and life back home so maybe then when I came back I wouldn’t be so full of loathing for my toxic home environment I spend so much time bitching about.

If I wasn’t so much of a homesick pussy I’d probably wait til next school year and peace out for a year to start over in Nebraska. If I wasn’t terrified of not being able to come back or losing people here. I would miss a lot of people. I would miss Dylan. I guess I have a definite plan for if we break up. Ahaha… -.-

Next order of business. I never fail to be shocked at the amount of crazy insane girly paranoid shit I can tell Dylan. I always almost have to hold my breath and I always anticipate something about not being so serious about things cause we’re young or about not being worried or something. And I always get told I’m cute or I’m human or whatever I said wasn’t weird. Everything I went through the past few years feeling like I had once been insane for I’m suddenly being told is okay. Not only is it all okay. Oh no. Apparently I’m some super cool super human awesome chick or something.

So all the time I spent sitting around beating up on myself or feeling like I was slipping and wasn’t half as good as I used to be… Nope. Apparently there’s someone out there I still impress despite my tendency to not be in school and the state of my grades right now and my tendency to shirk responsibilities and how I had no job for, like, EVER in large part out of sheer stubbornness.

Like that all wasn’t enough. I mean there certainly exist other people out there who think I’m pretty awesome in spite of my bold and glaring flaws. But Dylan is kind of like the coolest person ever in my eyes. He’s stupid smart and good at art things and mathy science things. He’s responsible and funny and selfless and amazing and he thinks all those good things about ME. I don’t know that I’ll ever FULLY wrap my head around that one…

I always wanted to be the cool girl friend. I wanted to be the girl who dated a guy and his friends would just say or think or whatever it boys do damn, I wish that was my girlfriend or I wish my girl friend was like that. When I thought that was what I was the first time around I couldn’t have been further from the truth [probably literally].

But now things are different. I kind of feel silly with every pang of jealousy I get, no matter how small, but if I bring it up I’m never ostracized for it. It’s normal. Sometimes I snap too or get bitchy but there are always apologies floating around and Dylan and I are both people who are good at seeing from both sides of the fence. Not to mention I actually know Dylan loves me. There aren’t doubts there. I know he’d never try to hurt me. We’re both just human.

I keep stopping writing for long periods of time. Between the end of that paragraph and this a good 15 minutes at LEAST has elapsed.

This whole post seems pointless now. I’ve suddenly lost my love for it.

At the same time something somewhere just made me smile and I’m pretty sure that completely halted whatever was trying to make my motivation melt back into non-existence…

I’m too scattered right now. It’s like 6:40 am. A year ago shit was super fucked and I thought it was all just dandy. Now for as much stress and bullshit as there can be I know I’m on the right path with things with options spread out at my feet once again.

So I got set back a year. Maybe everyone else is just being thrown into life prematurely.

Suck my dick society.