turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream

There are puppets on TV, Phish and The Beatles and The Shins playing through my speakers, and I smell boy on my clothes.

I am strangely content.

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oh fuck. some things really never will change.

School. Right now all I wanna do is say to hell with it and sleep all day tomorrow. Why? I fucked off today and did 0 out of my 60 notecards, meaning I have that ahead of me tonight before I get to bed. Ironically, I’m really not tired at all. Two hours of sleep later and I’m just hyper as fuck. I also can’t stop myself from fucking rambling so this seemed the safest outlet to just let my incoherence and babbling out at.

My fucking cat has taken up residence in the very center of my bed. She is just laying there like princess of the fucking palace on MY electric blanket. Isabelle, I know you can’t read, but you are a belligerent cunt and you have my closest source of warmth. That’s fucked up cat. At least do something useful with your days if you’re gonna take my blanket, like learn to cook for me or get up and change the channel on the TV or STOP RUNNING THE FUCK UPSTAIRS LIKE A D-BAG. Seriously, this cat acts like a clingy emotional girlfriend. /sigh

Fucking, the cord on my keyboard isn’t quite long enough to lean comfortably on my bed and type with it. I don’t know how many people have seen the kooky PC set up in my room, but it’s kinda like WTF MAN. There’s my bed right? And my nightstand. Then a chest next to that. So my tower [aka the actual PC] is on the chest. Then the monitor takes up almost my whole nightstand. My mouse hangs out on the corner of that, usually with some empty Mt. Dew cans and my cell phone. Then my keyboard chills on top of my monitor until I need it. This means when I use my computer I am hunched up on the end of my bed with the pillow with the keyboard on my lap. It’s kinda like “WTF Sarah? Why don’t you just have a normal set up?” Well I find chairs uncomfortable. I got too used to laptops and being without mine now this was the closest I could come. I love my bed.

Right now I am leaning against a corner that is cushioned by pillows galore and my keyboard is just chilling in a comfy position. South Park is on and I can’t stop thinking about these damn notecards I have to fucking do.

On another note, I better not have fucking a lot of homework tomorrow. It’s Carrie’s damned fucking birthday and I have to give a stupid speech in Civics already. I mean it’s me! I don’t do speeches! But there’s that Iowa or whatever kid. His hair distracts me. I guess that could be a relief.

See right now twenty thousand little thoughts are in my head and most of them don’t belong there. They are persistent and unwelcome, like my mind has been infected by a virus.

You know I just looked at my research rubric. Missing 25 out of 200 points for not having my notecards is a lot but at the same time I kind of don’t care. I think I’ll just finish those civics worksheets in study hall tomorrow [I forgot all about them til I came across them] (btw, video games commercial, mustang. I have to say it whenever I see one) then make like a notecard for my speech. Then I’ll start my other notecards on index cards. Another computer malfunction. Right on Sarah. High five. I can get some sleep.

I’m still not tired though. One thing is half on my mind. Wondering whether or not I really think what I think I think, any of it, and why the fuck I’m so annoying today but why I will still push a link to this post into the world so that public can read my sleep deprived and insane rantings. I sound fucking strung out and I’m really just tired as shit. Last night was insane. Tonight was fun. Today was… It was Sunday. I don’t do shit on Sundays. Let’s keep it that way.

Mondays are almost always good though. I will hold on to that. And it’s Carrie’s birthday. And I will hang out with both Chelsea’s this week and apply for a job. And if I can’t make my mind virus go away I will pour all of my energy into my research paper.

[No I won’t. But if I were smart, I would. Rather, as much as I’m being driven crazy, my mind hasn’t functioned anything close to this in years and while it’s fucking shitty it’s also kind of amazing in a weird nostalgic young process but modified to a more mature state way. I’m incoherent.]

Why was that long string in brackets? I’m ranting. Just fucking ranting.

I’m gonna sleep in my car some night. Me, my car, a shit ton of blankets and pillows.

Fireworks. I want fireworks. Fucking New Year’s Eve man. The silhouettes of bare trees against the black midnight sky lit up by all those fucking expensive ass multi-colored fireworks. Everyone stands outside freezing their asses off but it’s just kind of okay. And it should snow this year.

I want to get drunk with really cool people, or just drink enough to be warm, and go out right before midnight. I wanna be all bundled up so that just the tip of my nose gets cold while I hold that red plastic cup with my mix drink. I wanna have a little hat and a scarf and possibly even little gloves. I wanna scream, count down the seconds until 2009 is officially here. Then, when midnight hits, I wanna be with someone, whoever that someone is, male, female, or otherwise at that point in my life. I want everyone there to be with someone, or just with amazing friends and happy [but I wanna be with someone]. I want the whole moment to be one of those perfect warm fuzzy apple cidery peach cobblery sweet moments. Then when all those goofy fireworks are done, I want it to snow. Just a nice, soft, quiet fluffy snow. I wanna stay wherever I am, drink a cup of cocoa, and fall asleep is who ever’s arms. Everyone falls asleep smiling and everyone wakes up, well possibly hungover, but still happy none the less.

Things have been getting better and better lately. I hope they continue on that trend.

I feel like I shouldn’t broadcast this post to the public. It’s insane. I’m going to bed.

amen.

I feel like a lot of people don’t understand how I can call dropping of out school a mistake that I don’t regret. Well, this person obviously does…

postcard

Yay postsecret. :]

and tonight in sarah land…

Firstly, it is officially Halloween. Yayz.

But trick or treat night was far more epic. Sit down and put on your reading eyeballs, kiddies. It’s story time in Sarah land.

Once upon a time in a quaint little town in a crack neighborhood lived a small girl named Sarah. During her 19th year of life [aka the time period post her 18th birthday and pre her 19th] she became ill and missed a lot of school. One fateful Thursday, which just so happened to be trick or treat night, she awoke at 12:15 PM and waltzed into school again at 12:30, over coming her crippling… head cold? [We don’t know. Doctor’s appointment is tomorrow.]

After school let out she hopped into her land boat [car] and drove off across her quaint little town to pick up her friend Carrie. Carrie and Sarah got into her land boat and after a road battle (royale) with a big stupid meanie head in a black truck, they were cruising back to the crack neighborhood to pick up Sarah’s costume and some munchies.

Upon arrival at the house Sarah and Carrie were greeted by Sarah’s mother doing d-baggy things as usual. She got into an epic battle of wits with Sarah. An agreement about Sarah’s illness had been made; if she made it into school on that fateful Thursday, she could take her land boat and venture off into the land that was, and is, Newville. Sarah fought long and hard, and then bawled her eyes out, and was finally released from prison.

Sarah and Carrie quickly gathered their things and fled the penitentiary to the land boat for shelter. Off they went in the little car towards a little place called Sheetz.

When they arrived at Sheetz, it was chaos. A riot was on the brink of breaking out and metal goliaths battled to find a pump at which to fill their tanks with life giving gas. After much maze running and misconfigurations, Sarah spotted a pump with just one little Impala and no line. She raced for the spot, and by raced I mean drove there unopposed.

After much cursing and swearing at the tiny man with the Impala to hurry the fuck up and to pay with a credit card and not go the fuck inside, the man entered his car. Sarah sent Carrie in to Sheetz to prepay for her gasoline as she pulled up to the pump. However, after pulling her car in, she remembered Carrie could be ditzy and decided to follow her into Sheetz.

First, she saw a familiar looking lad enter a truck. The truck drove now by her line of sight and the two strapping young lads in it waved to someone else in a mini van. “Stupid red mini van”, Sarah thought to herself, cursing her fate. She knew she would have to walk around it to get into Sheetz.

Then, all of a sudden, the charioteer of this vast red obstruction turned to Sarah, smiled, and waved. Immediately she recognized him as Dylan, her musically inclined companion. She raced towards the mini van now and threw herself superman style, i.e. arms and head first, through the passenger window, squealing. She asked stupid questions, slid out of the van, and continued on about her life putting gasoline in her tank.

Pulling out of Sheetz was another trick, but a kindly blonde woman driving a truck with a blue trailer let her slip out in front of her so that she could make the left turn. She caught a red light anyways, because that was just Sarah’s luck on this fateful day.

Soon, she and Carrie were off, heading down Newville Road and listening to the radio. In a matter of about 15 minutes, they were sitting at Newville’s only red light. Sarah bounced in her seat knowing they were less than a minute for their future haven, the Newville skate park.

Soon the light was green and they took off down the street. One right, and then another into a stone parking lot. However, they were not greeted by the familiar people they had hoped for. Sarah whipped forth her cellular communications device and furiously sent a text to her lovely fiance, miss Maddy.

Just then, someone pulled up next to them. It was back. The red mini van. And Dylan, of course. Carrie, Sarah, and Dylan stood in the parking lot bullshitting for a while. Sarah received a call from Maddy, and then stood waiting for her to make the trek from Pizza express about a block away to the skate park.

Meanwhile, over the expanse came strolling Matt holding a strange white object. Dylan mused as to what it could be. Sarah suggested ice cream, then a sugar cookie, then was dismayed to find it was actually a popcorn ball.

Almost instantaneously Maddy came sprinting, knocking into Sarah in happiness. Sarah, Maddy, Trevor, and Carrie headed off towards pizza express. Meanwhile, Dylan departed towards home, screaming “fuckers” to the pedestrians along the way.

At the pizza shop, Kim and Levi sat at booths awaiting the travelers’ return. Levi sat alone in a booth while Maddy, Sarah and Carrie squeezed onto one seat, and Kim and Trevor shared another. Pizza slices, french fries and soda pop were placed before the teens like a feast. Soon enough, Matt and Ashley waltzed in. The gang was all here.

After some epic bottle cap flicking, french fries being placed on shoulders, and many many pictures, the children decided to go play hackie-sack in the street and depart for the skate park, once again.

Matt decided to drive taking Kim and Ashley with him. Sarah and Levi jumped upon his car en route and remained there until Matt stopped the car, insisting they go back to walking.

At the skate park, there was more hackie-sack and more pictures. There were videos too! Until, finally, the sun was falling low on the horizon and parents with small children were invading the parking lot [SARAH’S parking lot, I may add, as she had the biggest car and it totally would’ve eaten everyone else’s shitty ass stupid fucking cars]. The children decided a transformation to Halloween was necessary.

Sarah and Carrie changed in Sarah’s house boat/land boat/tank/car. Everyone congregated in groups. Jerry Guido, the scene, arrived on the scene driven by Mr. Jordan the epic. After some bullshitting around, Sarah went with Carrie to the group containing characters such as Levon, Kim, Ashley, Brice, Alex, and Scott, who found heckling poor trick or treating 18 year olds to be fun.

After much waiting around and impatience, a group of Maddy, Sarah, Carrie, Jordan, and Jerry set off into the night to collect candy. At some point, Maddy and Jerry broke away. The other three, the trick or treat crusaders, continued on their epic quest for candy led by Jordan the Brave.

Soon enough, with frozen fingers and arms covered in goose bumps, it was time for Sarah and Carrie to find the murder machine and depart back to crack town. The hustled to the skate park where the rest of the group, which contained characters like Megan, Jesse, Joshy, and Dave, had finally, and I do mean FINALLY, arrived.

Sadly, the two could not stay. They departed the skate park, but ran into trouble. An evil d-baggy crossing fag waved the two girls on with his flashing glow stick to make their left [you know the motion… first towards your car, then in whichever direction you’re supposed to drive]. After spotting some kids, he changed his mind, held up his little orange flag, and screamed for them to back up.

They did this. He walked towards the car, and Sarah rolled down the window. It was too late. Despite her sincere apologies and ass kissing, the man screamed and yelled like some creeper with roid rage who probably really needed to get laid. He threatened that another infraction would result in police contact and loss of a license [yeah… because trying to go left when you WAVE SOMEONE TO FUCKING TURN LEFT is grounds to take someone’s license… someone should’ve fucking just run his fat ass over]. Then he snapped “now get out of here!” and proceeded to stand IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LANE THE TWO WERE TURNING INTO. He was a stupid pig. If Sarah ever sees him again, it is rumored that she is going to slit his throat and sell drape his organs over the fountain in Newville. Just a rumor though…

The two continued into Carlisle with no problems. Sarah dropped of Carrie, drove home, and was locked out for 15 minutes. She finally came in and called her boy thing, as she was instructed to do if she arrived home before 8:30, which she had. He was in bed. Sarah was very unhappy seeing as she had just spent 15 minutes in the cold beating on her door and calling her house trying to get someone to let her in.

So, she went upstairs and was met by her little sisters. They didn’t like seeing Sarah so little and sad, especially since she was a little Sarah-sicle and already cold. They attempted to remedy this by showering Sarah with lolli-pops, Butterfingers, pixie stix, and one giant Hershey’s bar with a one dollar bill taped to it.

It worked. Sarah cheered up, took a shower, and then proceeded to not be able to sleep despite it being 1:32 am and her having to wake up at 6 for school. She resigned herself to the fact that she was going to the doctor on Halloween day and not going to get to go to school all dressed up.

She was completely not tired so instead she listened to Comedy Central in the background and wrote a story about her night that was entirely too long considering that it was just one stupid night. She did it mostly to kill time. Then she posted some pictures on her blog, because what’s a story without pictures?

The End.

(Just some info.. Click to enlarge. The joked is Joshy. Jordan is the one surfing on my car. The little blonde is Carrie. The ginger chick in the colorful hoodie is Maddy. The hackie-sackers… There are too many to name. Jerry is the scene kid. I am, obviously, the one in the Carlisle Colorguard hoodie and in the white make up and crazy eyeliner. Any more questions… You won’t have any. Let’s get real.)

and then i saw a rainbow

Today I took a little drive out into the country about, oh, 15 miles from my house. It was raining and the whole drive out in my car was less than fun, to say the least. Never the less, I made it to my destination. I sat around, watched a movie, and developed a stress migraine [I’ve been getting these a lot lately and it’s starting to worry me a bit]. I left early to come home.

The temperature turned from warm to chilly, but it had stopped raining. Hence, I was content. I fiddled with the radio on and off as I drove down back roads in from just outside of Bloserville to Carlisle. I had completely forgotten at this point when I got home I would get to watch Shaun of the Dead [which is on in the background right now].

Turning off of Newville Road onto Orange Street, my car decided to answer a question that really wasn’t burning in my mind. As my left front wheel hit a puddle my car shut off [stalled is probably a better term for it] leaving my brakes locked [i.e. useless] and me drifting around the corner while my car fishtailed. There’s a curb to my right and cars on my left. I’m steering my car, or at least trying to, towards the curb and back into a straight line best I can without brakes so I can restart it.

Car isn’t having that [this is all happening in a matter of seconds beginning to end… just shows how fast the human brain can really process things when need be]. So I put my foot on the brake hard, slam the car into park, turn the key, and the brakes function again. They slam the rest of the way to the floor so I’m almost completely stopped. But seeing as I’m still in traffic I also slam it into drive and straighten the car.

I continue on to the stop signs and down the streets towards my house, heart pounding. I turn the radio dial and that stupid song about taking things one step at time and not rushing stuff and learning to fly and falling in love comes on. I wait at a red light at the intersection of College and West North Streets. It turns green. The song is still playing, and I put my windows down desiring air. Then I notice it; the brightest most brilliant rainbow I’ve seen in years, possibly my life, on the eastern horizon sloping northeast.

It was tremendous. Unfortunately the left turn onto my street [North West] took it out of view. I made a right up B Street as usual and drove up to the alley by the factory to try and capture the rainbow with my phone’s camera. I wasn’t really expecting this to work. Rainbows barely show up when captured by regular cameras let alone the silly one on my phone.

By some twist of fate the rainbow was bright enough for my phone to capture it [only at half its brilliance really, but caught none the less]. I turned left down the one way alley, then left down Pitt Street towards my house. In the one block, the all of about ten seconds, if that, it took me to get back to where I had just taken the picture, the rainbow was gone.

Rainstorms are always times of reflection for me. Something about gray clouds and rainy days just invokes a pensive feeling in me. Seeing the rainbow after all of that, and after everything I had been thinking about driving home which had me at the brink of tears, I knew everything was going to work out.

It was like my own little sign to hang in there, as stupid as that might sound.

I came home and cried anyways cause I was upset and I’ve been tense and stressed lately and sometimes you just need to cry and get toxins out of your body and such. Then I had some Mt. Dew [caffeine; my migraine hadn’t gone away yet] and put on jammies and resigned myself to my room to watch the rest of my movie and relax for the evening.

Recap: storm, stress, sadness, learning my car can in fact drift, rainbow, bawling like a sissy girl, movie.

Don’t grow up. It’s totally over-rated.

sample of sunshine for nocturnal masses

These people, man… They’ve changed my life.

Other matters… Earlier tonight I reread something I wrote this February while I had mono. It needs a lot of editing and tweaking but I’m looking for outside opinions on it. So anyone who has a spare few moments and would like to read this and comment on it [on here of course] for me, I could really use the input.

I only ask that if you hate it, you’re kind about it. I want the truth, I just don’t want people to be mean about it. [What can I say… I’m a softy…]

Here’s a link to it: story

-EDIT-

PS: Here. From a bit ago. Enjoy. [I heart pictures.]

one car, too far, red bar, gui-tar

I am writing a research paper on lysergic acid diethylamide.

I am the guru to all matters of illusion, delusion, dementia, and magic.

I am going to sit down, listen to the matches, and let the night take me. If I wake up tomorrow a different person… Meh? Que sera sera, my friends…

Sifting through shooting stars and sheafs of syllabi, we waste and wash away in the individual and indivisible San Tropez’s of our respective and resentful lives.

die for me

I’m a person generally happy with life these days. I’ve mellowed out, matured, and become a responsible person [most of the time at least]. Yesterday was fucking awesome. Josh fell out of my car, I drove over an island, Olivia named me KoKo, Maggie made me a name tag, I saw Chelsea and Justin and had a crazy dance party [not really but I did see them], I tasted this amazing pumpkin spiced Starbucks drink, I spent two hours in Target, and saw a kid called Ben belly dance [and boy was that a sight to see…].

Today wasn’t bad over all I guess… Just little bits. My car dying 10 times from my house to Biddle Mission Park for example. My dad getting drunk and running red lights and making vulgar comments at the parade. People just generally being d-bags…

Two bawl fests, one cryptic text, and several police cars and an ambulance later, I have virtually no nerves left.

Kidnap me. Seriously. Maybe not for a long time… Just a little bit. Get me out of my house. Leave me in the woods with a lot of blankets and some crackers. Leave me out under the stars to watch the universe spin above me [or more so I spin below it…]. Give me some charcoals and a sketchbook. Give me a guitar with light strings.

I’ve got a song in my heart and hope in my head. It’s just kind of hard right now to force a smile across my face. Nights like this really get to me…

oh hot damn

I’m 18. I drive. I’m back in school. I have job oppurtunities lined up and more of an idea about my future. I have a sweet boyfriend and good friends.

I haven’t felt so incomplete in a long long time…

it’s kinda like tetris…

Ahh yes… and we were all tools and d-bags.

And then we wised up a little bit and opened our eyes to the world, at which point in time we became somewhat bitter, calloused even, and skeptical of the notion of “love”.

Eyes closed, we dive in…

It all started because I never was very good at handling stress. It started because this shiny translucent pane suddenly had a new purpose in life. It started because I got older, realized the error of my ways, and went on to make new mistakes.

It started when I grew my hair long again and couldn’t bear to break the promises of old and cut it, so instead I dyed it black and blonde. It started with a rebellious attitude, a love of fast car rides, staying out late, and partying and swearing with the rest of them. It was comprised of a blood lust for drugs and dangerous activities. A need for speed, adrenaline, power, anything but the mundane “boring” life everyone around me was leading.

It hit a point for me where the thought of wasting 7 hours a day locked in a class room so I could go on to work a shitty job and go to college and go on to some boring average Joe American life job with no adventure, became unappealing to me. The dangerous things seemed sexy in that mysterious dark way things have. Kind of that girl in leather and heels sex appeal.

So I made that decision about the sneaking out and drinking. I decided this and that drug was just fine. Who needed school either? So I dropped out. I dyed my hair back to brown, trimmed up my bangs to turn me into a female Ramone, and spent my winter hidden away fading fast from reality and losing touch with my best friends. I got mono. I played a lot of video games.

In spring I emerged possibly wilder than before. I could take the cars out. I could steal prescription medications. There was a nice bottle of orange rum in the fridge that was mine for the taking at will. I was just smart enough, and just sneaky enough and uncaring enough at this point to take advantage of all of that.

To top it off, someone from my past who had disappeared into the shadows with everyone else that winter had recently reentered my life, babying me back to health while I lay in bed ill, and reassuring me that my biggest flaw after mellowing out was my insecurity. Well, that was hardly my biggest flaw, but the facade I was parading around behind made that seem to be the case.

And of course my blatant immaturity and disregard for having any involvement with society or the real world. It was that unity and peace or anarchy baby mindset. It was the complete denial I had delved into convincing myself day in and day out that I had made proper choices.

So it continued… Wheeling and dealing and sneaking out. Playing designated driver without a proper license of the adequately aged people in the car to fulfill the requirements of permit. A life full of party people, just as lost as me, only older and with less time to correct their mistakes, validating my existence as a 17 year old high school drop out.

Why does one drop out with AP and honors courses and straight A’s? And more so, how could someone think they were cool for doing it? Because someone was me and I got lost in the folds of my mind where I created a warped reality for myself that I watched through a horribly distorted vision.

And then there was a figure from the days of black hair and football games who came back and ignited a fire that burned towards success and independence, not merely settling in condemned and accepting of a life of community colleges and minimum wage jobs, living in the slums, day to day, waiting for that welfare check that, with the economy the way it is now, would never come or surely not cover anything. A miserable cold life worrying where every meal would come from or how to pay the bills.

How had I let myself go that far? How had my dreams of graduating from a school like Carnegie Mellon been downgraded so harshly in the matter of a year?

Big life blows take a toll. Fact. But you can’t change life, or people. The only thing you can change is yourself and the only thing you can control is how you react to what happens. That’s it. And I had spent far too much time up until now trying to show everyone the way or make them change for the better. I was trying to find some logic in the terrible life altering events that had happened to me. I found merely confusing half truths and fragments of this or that that were left to personal interpretation, bringing with it worries or digging in too deep or not analyzing some little shred of information enough.

And after all, people and life events are fickle, so even with one thing figured out, 2 minutes later, it could always completely change. And when you realize you’ll never really know anything, let alone it all, that’s all there is. Wisdom. Knowing how much you really don’t know. Peace. Accepting that you’ll never know the 100% truth and you just have to live and deal with that.

All of these realizations aside, I was yet to gain the capacity to exercise them lost still in a sea of confusion trying frantically to pull the last two years of my life into perspective. I begged to find some startling pattern I had missed that would make sense of what had happened. As much logical justification as I could find for the things I had done, it didn’t nor will it ever change the fact that when it comes down to it, for whatever reason, I couldn’t, nay, didn’t want to try to handle the pressure and while I told myself I was being strong, I bowed out, and I ran away. I made a mistake, the likes of which I could never walk away from and forget. It was that kind of mistake you pay for big time, serving your days in shame, knowing you brought whatever miseries you suffer onto yourself.

In the end, swallowing the terror that shook my brain, I bit the bullet and reenrolled in school. I can honestly say it was one of the most terrifying things I ever did. I still feel like an alien there now. An outsider. And in most ways I am. But there’s still so much I don’t understand, and so much I never will. That drives me mad sometimes being that it is that I have an unquenchable curiosity to understand how everything around me works and why it works that way. People are more difficult, and at the same time so basic almost to a crippling point for humanity. So simple and yet so enigmatic at the same time.

I still don’t deal with stress well. I still get caught up in things I shouldn’t worry about. I still make bad choices sometimes. But I’m not out late on school nights, 9 times out of 10. I get more sleep than a majority of CHS students. I do almost all of my homework. I study for things. I pay attention in my classes. Things will never be the same, and come June watching my original class graduate and head off to college is going to be another pain, another product of my stupidity, another consequence of being 17 and deciding I could run my own life.

I turn 18 exactly one week from today. Tomorrow I finally go for my road test again, which I’m apprehensive about naturally. I’ve got goals and job prospects set up. That figure who came into my life and made me stop and really think about the future again is my boyfriend now. He constantly drives me crazy, and who knows if we’ll stay together or not. It doesn’t change the fact that he had a pretty big impact on who I was. He reminds me of me when I was 15 and 16 and it’s been a big part of showing me who I was and why some of the things happened that did. It’s also pretty indicative of how much more I’m probably gonna change before it’s all said and done. And the other figure who nursed me from mono to Sarah again has been around for over 3 years now. He pisses me off more than anyone in the universe, and I have this sinking feeling that someday soon, at least in the grand scheme of things, he’ll be gone to me. Unlike the days of old when we mused about lifelong friendships and being there for each other, I don’t think I believe that will be the case. While I wish that it could be, I know that things happen how they should and for a reason. Whatever comes to pass will serve the greater good and it will never change the impact he’s had on me as well, and I’m sure will continue to in days to come.

I am human. I am flawed. We all are. But I’ve accepted that. I’ve taken responsibility for my mistakes and doubled back, trying to repair what I can of the damage I’ve done. As for the rest, I do all that any of us can and try to chip away and my faults and defects to become a better me. I struggle. We all do. But at the end of the day we can all rest assured that in the very grand scheme of things, for most of us, what we do with our living days on earth won’t even matter once we’re dead and our flesh is reuniting with the ground. Not to morbid or macabre, but it’s a notion that can really throw little dramatic incidents into perspective. Of course we’re all still going to worry. Letting everything go isn’t healthy. Positive stress. First hand I have learned the massive importance of this.

I know it’s supposed to be more smooth, more mature and adult and classy as this point not to broadcast ourselves over the internet. Who doesn’t like a good enigma, or a mystery? They drive me nuts, personally, and draw me to people like moths to light. But I am not a mystery or a puzzle as much as even I would perhaps like to be to people sometimes. I am just a girl, almost 18 years of age, with some realizations, that I’m sure thousands upon thousands of people before me have made, that I want to share with anyone who cares to be shared with.

And that’s it. I’m not a super hero. I’m not a genius. I’m not a philosopher or a psychologist. I’d barely even call myself a writer anymore. I’m just me, a human being who can put some of her thoughts into words. Unstable as any other American teen with a confidence level that waxes and wanes periodically. One kid with a voice trying to be heard over all the other voices in the world. And that won’t happen because I’m not screaming nearly loud enough, but that’s not my intention.

I digress. I’m Sarah. I feel like I’ve got to be completely different from everybody else. I feel like the most compatible people for me I will never meet. I feel like everyone else feels these feelings too and that makes me just like the rest of the world.

And yet it’s all so much more complex than that…

Really though, I should just go to bed. Tomorrow’s close at hand and sleep is a precious precious thing when you’re me.

inside her room, she paints me blue again

Transcendentalist thoughts phase involving a feeling of being superior to everyone else which is inevitably followed by a period of self loathing and reaching out only to be stricken down.

And for the record, 9 out of 10 spontaneous combustions happen when people try to hate me. It’s nearly impossible.

I know you want to, but just try. Try to sincerely hate me.

Let’s face it… I’m regularly aggravating at most. 😀

you’re what keeps me believing this world’s not long dead

Oh Say Anything. Oh old blog posts that I’ve been reading. Oh Sarah. Oh my baby sister sitting next to me. Oh memoir writing for English class. It has me thinking. [Sidenote: Having an assignment in school involve the soundtrack to your life excites me.]

I’ve started back to school. I now know barely anyone in my graduating class. I don’t mind this. In a sense, I have a fresh start. Seeing everyone is good. As well, I don’t care about walking with people, or not being alone, or being liked.

I know who my real friends are now. That’s a good thing.

I’d type more but Samantha needs the computer and I am being called away by my phone, as usual.

Strength in my bones and the words in my head. They pour out to paper. It’s all for you. Cause that’s what you do…

give us life again

I feel like I’ve been erased in all ways from it. I can only force myself somewhere I don’t truly belong for so long. But we all know how I feel about going after something you love. I’ve always felt if you have a passion for something you should pursue it relentlessly.

So, when do you know where to quit? Where’s the line between giving up/in and being sensible?

I’m guessing I passed it somewhere back at 7 years old, but I swear this isn’t over…

I won’t give in until I’m dead. I made that promise, and I never go back on my word.

I’ll take the truth at any cost.

white light?!

Peace Frog – The Doors

1: That is a fun-tastic song and if you read this without listening to it, I am going to be one upset little Sarah [I mean Peace Frog by The Doors by the way, just in case I decide to add more music later to this post].

2: The rest of the blog post is 2.

So I’m speeding, which makes me want to talk anyways. Then I talked to Jason which makes me want to blog [when I talk to him for extended periods of time, like 4 hours -.-]. But then I got on my blog which made me want to post pictures so I shall post a few interspersed with me ranting and writing… MAYBE.

Actually, no. I was thinking about posting pictures of Elisa and I BUT I can has company.

you know…

I could have that normal life. I could have a full time job and stay in school and have everything be peaches. On the other hand, I could do that for a little while, until I’m old enough to legally get into trouble and wind up washed up in some filthy underground scene riddled with drugs and prostitution and people doing crazy, illegal, reckless things.

I know which choice is smarter, wiser, obviously better.

But at the same time that’s hardly going to quench my blood lust. Maybe blood lust isn’t the right word… I’m not entirely sure what it is…

I need to feel alive.

i was taught a month ago…

It’s strange how it’s just recently dawned on me all these things that I took advantage of. Maybe a better way to put that would be things  that I took for granted. Things I never would’ve thought twice about that I suddenly realize were huge things. Man, will a day come when I don’t stop and realize something else screwy I did when I was younger?

Oh well… The more things I realize about my past, the more of a leg up I have on my future. The mistakes I realize now that I made I can keep from making again. Well, er, that’s how it’s supposed  to work at least… But I’m special. 😀

I’m the happiest fuck up I know because I still have plenty of time to get my life back together. Oh to be young and stupid… And then realize that you’re young and really really stupid.

It should probably bother me a lot that I made huge mistakes and slacked off but all I can do is look back at the past 3 bizarre crazy years of my life and shake my head and sigh and laugh. And you know what? If that’s insane, I’m okay with that. I’d rather be laughing at myself for realizing what stupid things I’ve done than beating myself up.

Positivity and negativity are both contagious. In my humble opinion, there is far more than enough negativity in this world already. The world could use to smile a little more…

come down with me

What is it really to exist? To be? To love? What makes anyone who they really are? What shapes your ideas and opinions? Where is the line between being who you are, being an individual, making your own decisions, and letting your friends have a hand in molding you? Is it a conscious decision or one made for you by this point? Are people really all basically the same or is that a horrible misconception about the world? How do you tell the liars from those criminally insane? How do you tell lies from the truth? Can you know someone’s own true feelings better than they known them themselves? Why do our thoughts change so fast and so frequently?

I keep being told lately that I seem miserable or angry or depressed or upset or bitchy. I’m all of those. Some of the factors affecting my mood are obvious and simple things, most of which I have no control over. All I can do is try not to let them get to me. I’m trying. It’s harder for me when I’m alone, but I’m trying. Well, that’s not quite so true. Lately I’ve been letting myself feel my feelings, get the negativity out of myself. It’s rough and miserable, but I think in the end I’ll feel better.

Some of the other factors affecting my mood are more personal and complicated. I find myself having trouble lately letting go of certain aspects of my life and accepting new ones. I’m not even sure how I feel about everything.

But clarity will come in due time I’m certain. Until then I can just try and keep my chin up and my eyes dry as much as possible.

May 27, 1962. What are the odds? 17927. Pennsylvania.

Go do your research kiddies. The world you live in is full of fascinating and unimaginable things, both brilliant and terrifying, and in number exceeding what you could see or take in in a lifetime.

I’ve been plotting out maps and directions all morning. Just wait…
Places like these shouldn’t be forgotten so quickly…

summer 08

So I was sitting here just thinking and wasting time [what else is new?] and decoded I wanted to make a list of some of the things that were memorable that happened this summer seeing as this summer apparently felt like a good time for me to stop blogging… I’m gonna try to start at the beginning but I make no guarantees.

-all the naked dance parties at Connor’s
-Stephen Stone’s graduation party where I got overly drunk and Steve Carmelle moved him arm for a minute and I felt into [and completely smashed] a foam cooler.
-sign thivving with Dave and Elisa
-A random drive in the middle of the night stealing the Buick and driving out in the middle of nowhere with Elisa. She almost died drinking a Sprite parked near what I think is like the only stop sign in Bloserville, then the demon crying boy in boxers that freaked us out. Running over a rabbit in front of Victor’s and doing 85 down Creek Road with me and Elisa playing rap really loud and laughing our asses off.
-Dave almost killing everyone every time we would just go drive around. 😀
-Going up on the mountain in the middle of the night and listening to a hawk annoy Justin and him just telling it to “fuck off” in a really mellow but pissy voice. Then going up again at sunrise.
-Cave exploring drunkenly.
-Hanging out with Gus? Cause it’s random as hell really.
-“Cupcake, do me a favor… Hand my cigarettes.” “Princess, grab my beer.”
-Going to Rehoboth Beach and Ocean City with Carrie.
-The night little Carrie slept over and Jason came over and we all took a nap.
-Jason coming over to cook for me and Elisa and ending up making ramen and getting pissed off as all hell, and then getting over it. 🙂
-The time Chester took me to the Championship and I ran into Craig and who not and all of that goofy nonsense.
-“Nobody drives my car.” And then driving Craig’s car 2 days later.
-Hanging out at April’s a LOT. 😀
-Mike deciding my name is Megan because I look like a Megan.
-Liz and I “decorating” Craig’s car.
-Elisa and I doing the same thing, and Craig getting a LOT more pissed.
-Throwing up in Elisa’s mom’s car.
-Decorating the Ramen Noodle Ball and a baseball.
-“It’s under water!” “No! Pandamonia isn’t! That’s Kinzua, Dave!”
-“This isn’t oxygen, it’s helium!”
-“I’m not on x, I just really like floors!”
-That whole “look it’s a mustang it has a horsey; no you stupid cunt it’s a cobalt” thing that turned into an epic game to be played for centureis.
-“The pony across the river with the marshmellows told me you’re my best friend!” And trying to listen to the fire while looking like that kid in The Grudge.
-Scaring people in the park.
-The world’s most epic, and stupidest, game of manhunt in the park. Oh yes, it made the papers.
-Staying up all night and deciding we couldn’t wait 15 minutes for Nell’s to open, or 5 minutes for chicken, and driving to Wegman’s to wait 10 minutes for chicken and Dave getting pulled over.
-Streaking and then proving that I could run fast when frightened.
-Dave and Craig racing on Creek Road and the beat ass mustang beating the grand am.
-Dropping Elisa’s $200 phone and then throwing mine around.
-“Dave, how pissed would you be right now if I told you I didn’t really have my license?”
-Skateboarding accidents, part 2. Enola is no good. -.-
-That morning everyone switched cars.
-Sleeping in the Target parking lot just so I could say I’d done it.
-Piercing my lip.
-Frequent middle of the night drives to EVERYWHERE with Justin and almost Baltimore one morning.

…My ADD set in. I’ll finish this later.

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